Friday, May 02, 2008

I got thrown from the saddle, and broke my heart

OK, so there is A LOT for me to update you on just over the last week. So sit back, relax and enjoy my shitty week. This is by far the longest post I have ever written, but I needed to get all of this out.
Sunday: Pace and I had invited some friends, his mom and little sister (E) who is almost 3 to our house to swim and have a BBQ. Everything was going great, the weather was great, the pool temperature was great, it was a wonderfully relaxing Sunday afternoon. Now, we have a pool slide on our pool. It is absolutely hideous and we had plans to remove it, however this would require repairs to the pool decking etc. So we decided to keep it in until we had the money to do the necessary repairs. Here is a pic of our pool slide:


So we were all having a grand time sliding down the slide, we decided that it was so much fun that we were going to keep the slide. It is a BLAST!

Even E was going down the slide! She had two little arm floaties on and a ring floaty around her waste, so as soon as she hit the water she just bobbed up and down, her hair didn't even get wet. It was so much fun watching her excited face as she came down the slide. Then...tragedy struck. E fell off of the stairs to the pool slide. I had just gone down the slide and was at the opposite end of the pool getting ready to get out when I looked over just in time to see her fall. The worst part: She didn't scream. In fact she didn't move at all. She was unconscious. My MIL was right by her side as I ran into the house to have Pace call 911. Of course keep in mind that I had just jumped out of the pool, so I was soaking wet. Needless to say, as soon as I ran off the cool deck onto the concrete patio, my feet went out from under me and I smashed my head into the concrete. I was able to get up and scream to Pace to call 911. I got back over to where E was lying and she started whimpering a little and then eventually started crying. She sat up and grabbed onto her mom, but wouldn't open her eyes.

The EMT's got there, said that all of her vitals were good, but that they were very concerned with her head injuries and the fact that she still wasn't opening her eyes. They air lifted her to a hospital in Phx, so off to the hospital we go. They did a CAT scan and said that she did have some swelling on the brain, but no more than what they expected to see, however she did have a laceration on her liver from the fall. (I had never heard of this, but I googled it and sure enough, this is a very common injury in children that experience blunt force trauma). So they admitted her to ICU to stay overnight so that they could monitor her liver function. My MIL stayed with her at the hospital and Pace and I went home.

Monday: I went to work as usual. Of course I woke up with an awful headache and my body was extremely sore. My mind raced all day thinking of E. I watched her fall over and over and over in my head all day. But I hadn't cried. Which is very odd for me cause I cry at EVERYTHING! I cry at commercials for pete's sake! So I started to get down on myself a little wondering why I hadn't cried or really showed any emotion at all. (I convinced myself that it was because I had bashed my head and wasn't thinking straight) After work, I got to my car to go home and I just completely fell apart. I was a blubbering mess by the time I got home. I just couldn't keep myself together.

I got home and I gathered my composure so Pace and I could go to the hospital to see E. We got there around 5:00 pm almost exactly 24 hours since the accident. She looked so pitiful. She was hooked up to 5 different machines and had 10 cords coming out from all around her. She was still a little loopy from the morphine drip, but she immediately reached out to Pace and I. She didn't say much, she was really tired, she was just really fussy and kept crying for her mom. They had her on an all liquid diet so they could monitor her liver function and one of the first things she said to us was "I want Donalds" (McDonalds of course) That made us all smile and we knew that under the sleepy little girl was our little rambunctious E. I prayed over her and she napped a little bit and then Pace and I drove home in silence.

I got a text from my MIL about 2 hours after we got home stating that they had moved E out of ICU and they removed all of her tubes and wires. She was able to move into her own room and walk down the hall to see the fishies.

Tuesday: I woke up to the arrival of AF. I was still taking my Provera and was not expecting her for a couple of days, but here she was, coming whenever she darn well pleases as usual. I was ok with that because I had a dr. appt on Wednesday, so the earlier AF got here, the sooner we could start my first Clomid cycle. I started to get excited. The time had finally come and we were actually going to do this!

I headed to work and got a text from my MIL stating that they were finally feeding E food. She was eating a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast! Then about noon I got another text stating that they were on their way home. I was so grateful and relieved that she was finally able to leave the hospital. I left work a little early and Pace and I headed over to MIL's apartment to see E. It was GREAT to see her moving around like she was. She was still a little sleepy, but you could tell she was feeling MUCH better. They released her from the hospital on "restricted activity" as they wanted to make sure she didn't jump around, fall and hurt her liver again. This meant that E was not able to go to daycare as they couldn't take on the responsibility for her until she was on full medical release.

E remembers very little about the accident, but she was sure to tell us that she DID NOT want to go back to the hospital! LOL

My MIL is a single mother and there was no way she could afford to stay home with E for the rest of the week, so I offered to use a couple of my vacation days to stay home with E Thursday and Friday.

Wednesday: I got to work feeling better than I had all week, I could finally tell that E was going to be just fine and I relaxed a bit. I headed off to have my ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts before we started our first Clomid cycle. I enter the OB/GYN's office and...of course...the waiting room is full of pg women. Not just pg women...VERY pg women! A dear friend of mine recently sent me the book "Conquering Infertility" so I kept my head low and just read, trying to ignore the pregnancy talk going on around me.

Going to the dr. is always an experience, but I think when you are dealing with IF, dr. appts are even MORE interesting. First of all, when you go in for an external ultrasound, you have to go with a full bladder. So I arrived with a full bladder and then there I sat in the waiting room with a full bladder. And I sat, and I sat and I sat. Just when I thought I was going to have to strangle someone just out of pure discomfort, my name was called.

I laid there patiently as the tech pushed on my bladder, took pictures, pushed a little more and then finally told me she was done and I could go to the bathroom. All was great with my ultrasound, no large cysts, so they sent me back to the waiting room to wait to see the dr. About 5 minutes later a young nurse called me back, and walked me into the room to meet the dr. As she was taking my blood pressure, she complimented me on my shirt and asked me where I got it. "Target" I replied. To which she responded with a story about how before she had her son, she couldn't buy clothes at Target cause she was a size 1, and they didn't carry sizes that small. "Oh how difficult that must have been for you." was my response. She didn't catch onto my witty sarcasm, must be an age gap thing. Then she asked the question that made me want to poke her in the eyes even more. "So, do you have any kids?"

Here is where I should have said "Do you know how to read? Did you even LOOK at my chart before you called me back? What an insensitive question from the place that is treating my Infertility." But, I didn't. I just replied "No" and quickly realized it was going to take me a while to get used to this again. To get used to the questions, the dr, the whole scenario.

She replied back to me stating that "Kids are a handful" "A handful of what?" I asked. Blank stare was returned and she excited the room. I smiled to myself and thought. "You dumb little twit. You have no idea why I am here, you didn't take the time to look at my chart and I really don't give a rats ass about your expanding waistline OR your ill behaved child.

The dr. came in, gave me the all clear to start Clomid and went over the protocol with me again. The excitement inside me raised. We were back on track. We were back in the game. I was no longer sitting on the bench, I was back in the saddle. I left with a hope and excitement that I hadn't felt in a long time. I left with a smile.

I went back to work and later that afternoon, Pace calls me to tell me that his company had approached him with the possibility of working in Hawaii. This would be a great opportunity for him and would also be a great excuse to visit Hawaii. However, they wanted him to go in a week and a half (aka right after I am done taking Clomid, aka most fertile period, aka during the time when I should be ovulating!) I could hear the desire in Pace's voice. His department has been really slow, and this was not only an opportunity to make some money, but also to gain experience in his industry. I explained to him that if he went to Hawaii, we would have to cancel our cycle, we couldn't move forward and my dr. appt. this morning was a waste of time. He said he understood that, but this work opportunity doesn't come along every day. So I told him that he should go. It broke my heart to say this, I was dying inside, but I was stuck between being an infertile woman facing another Mother's Day who desperately wants a child of her own and being a supportive wife and supporting my husband's career.

I told him that this was going to be very difficult on me and I needed some time and space to once again grieve a cancelled cycle. The wind was stripped out my sails and I felt utterly defeated.

Thursday: I woke up feeling depressed. Not just sad and tired. Depressed. I went to meet my MIL and picked up E. We had a great day together, we played barbies, we colored, we played dress up we had so much fun just being girls. Then Pace came home and my hurt and anger returned ten fold. I was so mad! I knew that he was coming home with details on his Hawaii trip and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear them. After E and MIL left, he laid it on me.

He said that Hawaii wasn't ready yet, that it would be at least an extra week or two, if it even panned out that he would go. I was relieved, I was so excited! This meant that we could move forward and continue on. Then he kept talking. Instead of going to Hawaii, his work was sending him to California for the week. He was leaving Monday (like as in 4 days) and would be back on Friday. I just didn't have it in me to discuss this anymore. The emotional roller coaster was just too much so I went to bed.

Friday: When I got up this morning, I woke up with a little more clarity and so when I talked to Pace, I told him that if he was just going to be gone this week, then we could move forward with our Clomid cycle, he would be back in town right before I stopped taking the Clomid. We could make this work. His response " I think we should just hold off this month, cause I don't know if I will be in Cali just this week, or if it will be a multiple week thing." Devastation. Again.

So here I am, I was thrown from the saddle, had the most stressful week of my life and I feel so let down and dismissed. Infertility SUCKS and I HATE that this is happening to us. Everyday the bitterness grows and if I have to watch one more commercial where the adorable little girl is making breakfast in bed for her mommy and her daddy brings mommy this beautiful diamond necklace, I think I might rip the TV off of the wall and throw it in our pool.

3 comments:

Bec said...

Oh my goodness hon, no wonder you feel like you are on a rollercoaster ride - you really have been! No ass-vice here hon, you have every right to be upset, it's normal to feel like that. Be kind to yourself, it's been a rough week. Thinking of you xx

Jeremy&Emily said...

Nichole, I'm so sorry. what a horrible time you've been through! I'm glad E is ok though. I'm sorry about your cycle. I know how disappointing that is. I'm so sorry. If you need anything, let me know.

Dreamer4agift said...

Wow, I think I just experienced your rollercoaster while reading it! I am so sorry Nicole. You deserve some ice cream. Take some time to grieve, you deserve it. I know you don't want to cancel the cycle, yet you feel you have to...can I ask a question? What if you went ahead and took the clomid, took your chances, and then if E was home-great!, if not, then okay, you had already expected that. I know that would mean you'd be spending money on a med that might be flushed down the toilet, but I was just wondering. Not trying to give ass-vice, just a concerned friend. Now, know that I'm thinking and praying for you, and I'm going to go eat some ice cream for you:)