I'm pissed

More than pissed, I am in pain and at the end of my rope. I have strep throat. The only time I have left my house since Monday was yesterday to go to the dr. My tonsils are so swollen, sometimes it is hard to breathe and they FRICKING HURT!!! I don't know if any of you have ever had strep throat before, but I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I feel broken and totally defeated. I am frustrated and so sick of this pain. The closest thing to solid food I have eaten since Monday was a muffin and a piece of chicken, both of which made me want to cry with pain. Even drinking water makes me wince with pain.

On top of all that this just happens to be the week that Pace is scheduled to work nights. So I have been here all alone during the night which is the most difficult time for me, and then he has slep all day while I am up watching crap on tv.

When I went to the doc he gave me a prescription for 800 mg of Ibuprofen he said to start on that and see what it does for the pain. Uh.....NOTHING! He also gave me a prescription for Oxycodone if the Ibuprofen didn't work. I have NEVER taken a prescription pain killer before. I have never taken a narcotic like Oxycodone and it kind of scared me, so I talked myself out of filling it. Now, I am kicking myself in the a$$ for not filling it cause I am in SO MUCH PAIN.

I just had to vent, I had to get this off of my chest, I just had to let you all know where the hell I am right now and what I am going through.

Insulin Resistance

Well...I am insulin resistant, pre-diabetic, and have a sluggish thyroid.

That is what the dr. said today. So...I am back on icky nasty Metformin, on thyroid medication and estrogen to induce my periods. I am excited to look to the day when I will actually have a period on my own. With no drugs, not shot, just a real, natural period.

Another great thing about this plan is that I should lose weight hopefully a lot of weight. Apparently my body doesn't process breads and sugars properly. I end up having a huge surge of insulin which my body doesn't use, it ends up storing it as fat around my tummy. So, by eliminating carbs and going to the gym, I may actually see some results.

The dr. I saw was WONDERFUL!!! He made me feel so at ease and really made me feel positive about our future. There are absolutely no guarantees...we still don't know what damage has been done to my eggs at this point. We don't even know if this will restore my periods, but at least it is a step in the right direction. And...it cost MUCH less than an IUI cycle.

So that is my update for now.

A little overwhelmed...

So...the vacation was wonderful. The weather was gorgeous, nice and cool - warm in the afternoon, cool in the morning and evening. The company was even better. I met a couple of Pace's aunts that I had never met before. They were lovely. They were warm and welcoming, we spent time with his Nana, his grandma and most of all, his (our) nieces. We have not seen them since our wedding 2 and a half years ago and I can't believe how big they have gotten. They are beautiful girls with so much love to give! They absolutely love uncle Pace! We took them shopping and bought them both He.ely's. (The shoes with a wheel in the heel) It was so fun! They were the first things we bought and the rest of our time with the girls was spent trying to teach them how to use them!

On a different note...I have met someone...haha - don't freak out. I mean I have met someone else in real life that is suffering from infertility. Well...she is fertile, but she suffers from Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. We were brought together through the Women's Center I volunteer at and she just so happened to open up to me that she was currently going through her third miscarriage. I feel like I have been friends with this woman for years and I have never even met her in person yet. We plan on getting together soon for dinner or something, but I am just ecstatic that I have found someone that lives within blocks of me that I can talk to and that will sympathize with where I am at.

I had my bloodwork done last week. It was a defining moment - it was a clear, distinct reminder that my body is broken, it is dysfunctional and malfunctioning. It also made me remember that Pace and I have been trying to start our family for over two and a half years. It all just hit home very quickly and brought me right back to that bitter pissed off Nichole I left behind a couple of months ago when we went on a TTC break. It makes me wonder if that will ever go away.

On a dramatic note...I told my roommate (our foreign exchange student) that she needed to find new living arrangements. I gave her until the end of the month. I just reached my breaking point and I just can't have someone in my house that doesn't respect my house or my husband. Pace and I both tried to talk to her tonight about her constantly rude disrespectful behavior and she had the audacity to tell Pace "why do I have to follow your rules?" and constantly interrupting him while he was talking. That is when I lost it. I told her that the conversation was over, if she couldn't respect my house and my husband then she needed to live somewhere else. I explained to her that I was tired of her behavior and was not going to put up with it anymore.

It is a bittersweet move. I really wanted it to work with her and I really wanted to be able to help her while she was in college here, but I just can't take the tension she brings to my house.

So...life is crazy, still, again...whatever. It is just dramatic. But, it is mine.