Thursday, June 16, 2011

Struggling

I am REALLY struggling the last couple of days. The desire to have a child completely consumes my thoughts. I literally (I am NOT making this up) have 16 friends that are pregnant right now. 16!!!!!!!! I just can't handle one more pregnancy announcement!

I look at pictures of my nieces playing in the park and think to myself "I would LOVE to have a little girl to take to the park in the morning."

I see posts on facebook about my friends' little boy requesting pancakes for breakfast and I think to myself " I would LOVE to have a little boy to make pancakes for in the morning"

I see my friends screaming little baby and she looks at me as if to say "are you sure you want kids" and I think to myself "I would love to have a screaming little girl to console and rock to sleep"

I just want a family. I am going to start looking into updating our adoption certification and adoption attorneys. I am exhausted. The last almost 7 years of my life has been devoted to starting a family and what do I have to show for it? 3 angels in heaven, seemingly endless heartache, a stressed marriage and lost friendships.

Something has got to give.

11 comments:

CrysHouse said...

Nicole...

I am really sorry you are going through this. I had to get off Facebook because I just couldn't handle the announcements and random nonsense about life with children I couldn't have. I am thinking of you...and reading...and praying every time you post.

"His Perfect Timing" said...

Oh. My. Gosh. Its raining fertiles. How do 16 people get pregnant at once that you know?!?!? I am so sorry that you are bombarded with people who don't realize how blessed they are to have children. I can sympathize with your feelings - and I just want to say I'm sorry that it sucks for you right now. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I was at 12 once and it was THE HARDEST year for me, and it was right after a m/c also. Sigh. Sending you positive vibes and hugs.

Elana said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this Nichole. I am praying that you finally get your sticky baby and you can be pregnancy #17!

Anna said...

I'm so sorry. When it rains, it pours fertiles. :( I have no words of wisdom, only (((((HUGS)))))).

Dana said...

I know that nothing I write will ease the pain! I know that your heart is broken into a billion pieces and you feel are aching! I pray for you Nichole and I pray soo hard that God gives you peace and fills your arms with children!! Your suffering is NOT in vain!! Please seek Him! Sending you tons of love sweety!!!!!!

Cori said...

16???!!! UGHHH. I am so with you on the whole I wish I had ... It is the worst for me when I hear people complaining about their lack of sleep, no time, energy yada yada... all I can think while I hear it is I wish it were me. Sending you lots of love to you!

nikkiindenver said...

I want you to know that I have been in shoes similiar to yours. I did take that step toward foster care, and am now adopting our son, who has been with us for more than a year. I beat my head against the same brick wall of infertility for 5 years, took all the meds, had the procedures and surgeries, mourned 3 failed pregnancies, and endured the feelings of failure month after month. I felt like I was falling down a black hole that had no end. The more I searched for a way out, the faster I fell - and no one understood what I was going through. I felt like I was conceding when I agreed to try fost/adopt, begrudgingly moving forward because I thought I had no other options. I found that our experience has been amazing. I found a child who was meant in every way to be in our family. There is no possible way I could love him more. You can continue to attempt pregnancy while you move forward to adoption, but don't deprive yourself of motherhood in the meantime. You will change a child's life and find so much joy. I will never stop remembering the babies I lost, and the dreams that didn't come true - but all of that pales in comparison to the job of being a mom to an adoptive child who needs me, and that happiness he brings to every day. I encourage you to pursue this. I know you'll be a great mom, no matter how you get there. (And you WILL get there!)

Bec said...

I get it hon. It is so freaking hard. My SIL is due any day now and not sure how I am going to cope.

16 friends is just plain ridiculous. Look after yourself, we all care about you x

Jeremy and Emily said...

I'm so sorry Nichole. I know how hard it is. I have faith that you WILL be a mommy. One way or another. And you'll be awesome!

the misfit said...

SIXTEEN?! I'm counting carefully and I can't get higher than five or six at a time for me...maybe ten if you count all the bloggers too. But not that many people I interact with regularly. Sixteen is TOO MANY. Sometimes I'm not sure we're not called to carry more than we can handle - or what qualifies as the "handling" that we're supposed to manage. You've been so tough - I hope you don't have to shoulder this burden much longer!