Thursday, March 28, 2013

I Am Enough

I have struggled with self esteem issues the majority of my life. I am the youngest of six children and I always found myself struggling to find my own identity in the sea of my large family. I wanted to be unique, I wanted to be my own person but I just wasn't quite sure how to do that.

I have felt this strong desire for as long as I can remember to be accepted by everyone and was so terrified to disappoint people. I am not sure why, people disappoint me all the time. I still love them, I still respect them and life moves on. Our 8 year infertility journey has been 8 years of me feeling like a disappointment every month - do the math...8 years times 12 months - that is 96 times that I disappointed people (and that is just due to infertility - I have disappointed plenty of others for plenty of other reasons). On purpose? Of course not, but it was the failure of my body that caused the disappointment nonetheless.

I disappointed our friends who desperately wanted us to have kids so our kids could play together. I disappointed them because us being able to have kids would have taken the big fat elephant out of the room and eased the tension when we were around each other. I disappointed my family who wanted another baby at Christmas time, or another grandchild, niece, nephew, cousin etc. I disappointed my husband in so many ways - all un-intentionally of course, but I disappointed them all. Much to my dismay... my friends are still my friends (the good ones anyway - the ones that just couldn't hang were cut loose) my family still loves me dearly and my husband adores me. I Am Enough.

The necklace I bought myself as a daily reminder
I was a healthy weight when I met Bam and about a year after we met my insulin resistance (although I didn't know that is what it was at the time) kicked in and I gained a huge amount of weight and have continued to gain as I have pumped my body full of hormones and drugs encouraging it to produce an egg and then maintain a pregnancy. Then my depression kicked in after months of infertility and I started eating to cover my feelings and I didn't reduce my carb intake because I wanted to feel normal damn it. Everyone else around me can eat it and I just want to be a part of the group - I don't want to feel left out. As I got heavier, my depression worsened, my self image was wrecked and the cycle continued.

I know now that I need to give myself a fucking break. My body, my mind, my heart and my emotions have been through hell and back over the last 8 years. I did the best I could at the time, and now the only thing I can do is try to do better. When I look at myself in the mirror, I need to think kind thoughts and quit telling myself that I am a "fat slob", "unattractive" and "unlovable" just because I don't have the measurements of Heidi Klum, I don't look good in a bikini and I have stretch marks and cellulite. Bam still thinks I am sexy, so why shouldn't I? I have been living with this mentality that as long as I hated myself and hated my body, I would be motivated to lose the weight when in all actuality it is the self hate that has kept me where I am. I have to love myself for who I am, for what I am and the weight I am before I can love myself enough to change the things that I would like to change. I Am Enough.

I Am Enough. I don't NEED to have children in order to be a successful woman. I don't NEED to have children in order to fit in with my friends and family. I don't NEED to have children in order to be loved by others. I don't NEED to be a size 6 in order to be lovable. I don't NEED to lose weight in order to look and feel sexy.

I Am Enough. I DO need to be healthy mentally. I DO need to stop being so hard on myself. I DO need to tap into my creative side. I DO need to accept myself for where I am and who I am. I DO need to exercise more and live a more healthy lifestyle because heart disease runs in my family - NOT because I NEED to be skinny to be cute.

I AM ENOUGH - and so are YOU!


Andrea Cherevka said...

These words are beautiful Nichole. You brought a smile to my face, now I have a daily mantra :)

Mitzie said...

You ARE enough. I AM enough. This blog couldn't come at a more perfect time, thank you for posting it! I will certainly keep checking your blog more often (and posting on mine for that matter)!