Friday, February 01, 2008

Road Blocks

I humbly start this by saying that I am not trying to throw a pity party for myself (I have learned to not like throwing parties...the clean up afterwards is just too time consuming) However, this blog is simply a reflection on life in general.

Road Blocks...we have all hit them at one time or another, most of us, multiple times in our lives. I find myself asking...maybe I need to find a different road, cause the road I have been on for the last 26.5 years has been riddled with road blocks. I constantly find myself looking for detours and I always have one foot on the brake just waiting for the next road block to be around the corner.

I had a good childhood. I have two loving parents and the most amazing group of brothers and sisters. Really on the dysfunction scale I think we rate pretty close to the "normal" family. We have had our battles with addiction, poverty, wealth, trust, health etc., but I think most of the stuff we have been through, has been pretty typical for a large family. I had a traumatic event happen to me at a young age. An event that caused me to grow up way too fast, caused me much pain, grief, and overall quality of life for many years. However...I overcame that. I am now a better, stronger person because of it. I persevered and I conquered my "childhood trama".

All the time I was going through that trauma in my life, I kept telling myself...this is it Nichole...this is your horrible thing that will happen to you. You will grow from it and in the end benefit from it in some way. You will get over it, have a story to tell and the rest of your life will not be as traumatic. That childhood trauma was my red card. My penalty. My big hurdle in life.

I was wrong.

In 26 days, Pace and I will have been trying to conceive our first child for 3 years. In that time, many of my friends have had "oops" pregnancies, have had their babies and many of them are pregnant with their second baby. Britney Spears has had 2 children in this time. My mother in law has had a child in this time. My sister who was not even trying has had a child and is now trying again in this time. Too many celebrities to count have had kids during this time (many of them unplanned) and I have had...none. I have not gotten pregnant once.

Some days I have so much faith that it will happen and I just tell myself to be patient and I pray for my baby.

Some days I have so little faith and I just pray that God would take away my desire to have children all together.

I know now that my childhood trauma was not my red card at all. Infertility is. By far this has cost me more spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially than my childhood trauma ever did and it almost makes my childhood trauma seem obsolete. Maybe that is the point. All pain heals with time, but the pain if infertility only gets stronger as time goes on.

My first wedding anniversary I was just starting to see doctors and the fear had just set in that we may not have a baby of our own. My second wedding anniversary I was in the midst of my first IUI cycle and I had so much hope for that treatment to work. As I near my third wedding anniversary, I just feel helpless. I feel that nothing I will or can do will ever make me have a baby. My hope is diminishing as my pain is increasing.

My period never came on it's own...I am still on the Provera. My weight loss is not coming as easy as it was and sticking to my diet is even harder. My bitterness is slowly creeping back in and my willingness to fight it is shrinking.

I feel like I need to get a break soon or I will hit my breaking point. It makes me wonder what my breaking point will be. Will I ever be able to get to the point where I don't care? Will I ever get to the point that I will be "ok" with never carrying my own child, or with never being able to look at my child and see Pace and I's resemblance? Will I ever be able to accept that as my fate and my destiny? And if long will it take?

I read the bible verse "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." This verse makes me feel like a total Christian hypocrite. I don't feel this way right now. I do feel that the Lord is my shepherd, however there is something that I want...desperately and I don't feel like I am beside quite waters, I feel like I am standing on the edge of Niagra's Fall.

I know that I picked the road less traveled many years I know why that road is less many Road Blocks.


AwkwardMoments said...

Oh Hun- i am so sorry! I am so sorry that you are ovverwhelmed. It's so hard not to be in all of this - saying prayers for you

C said...

What a well said post...

I know you are hurting, and for that I am truly sorry.

I can identify with the whole "standing by niagra falls" issue...what a perfect way of putting it. You are in my prayers, Nichole, and I will stand beside you in faith that one day we will find the quiet waters we both long for.

Teri said...

You've said all my heart's words exactly...when will it all end? :(

Rian said...

The road less traveled is so hard sometimes. It is so hard to see that He has a plan in this crap somewhere, somehow.

Praying you(and I) can find HIS peace.

Emily Weber said...

I'm telling you Nichole, that after that 3 year mark, you will start to go a little numb. You know what I've been through, and I know what you've been through, and what you're going through right now. I know that you aren't of the same faith that I am, but in my religion we believe that those of us who don't have the chance to be mothers in this life will still have that opportunity, even after death. That thought always gave me SOME comfort. When Christ atoned for our sins, he not only felt the pain of sin, but he felt OUR pain, the pain YOU feel every time you look at a new mother or a pregnant woman. He KNOWS what you're feeling and he'll help you bear the burden if you let him. It's not just about having faith that you'll get pregnant, it's about having faith that there's a good reason for why you have to wait for that blessing that you long for. I love you to death, and I'll keep you in my prayers. I hope you don't take offense to anything I've said. I just know that those things have brought me comfort in my own struggles. sorry to make this so long.

Shawn and Aimee said...

Nichole, this may be the road less travelled but there are still quite a few of us on it. I echo your sentiments precisely. I too had a "traumatic" event several years ago (i use traumatic loosely b/c there are far more traumatic events than what I went through but it was traumatic for me) and I too thought that that was that and I wouldn't be faced with that kind of emotional pain again. Was I wrong!! But don't forget, God doesn't give you more than you can handle. You CAN handle this. You have the choice to make infertility you're entire life, or only part of it. Not all choices are easy, but this really is your choice.