Monday, February 11, 2008

Insanity...

My mother always told me that the definition of insanity is:
the act of doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

This makes me think about my infertility. Every month we try for a baby. Every month I pee on a stick, I pop pills, I prop my hips, I hold my breath, I take my temp, I eat right, I exercise, I do all of these things in hopes for two lines. The same thing over and over again. But each month...I get the same thing. One line. No matter how many months I try...one line. I think I have oficially crossed over the threshold into insanity.

I actually had my hopes up last night. I was at my sisters and when I went to the bathroom...there was...pink. The very very lightest pink you ever saw ... and for a moment...I had hope...I thought to myself...implantation spotting! Implantation spotting! This could be it! Since I am still taking my Provera...I should NOT be having my period...so it just HAS to be implantation spotting.

I prayed my hardest, most enduring prayer and went to bed last night a little smug. I just KNEW that I was going to wake up in the morning, the spotting would be gone and I would start barfing my brains out and I would just start laughing and enjoy morning sickness.

However...

When I got up this morning, I saw red. Literally and Figuratively. There she was in all of her glory...Aunt Flow. I was ok at first, but then it hit me. I REALLY allowed myself to believe that there was a chance last night. I thought for a moment that maybe this was my shot. My time. I thought for an evening how nice it would be to not have to go through another season of Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day with nothing to show of our efforts to have a child for 3 years.

I thought for an evening that I had cheated the system, that I had gotten pg just under the wire of the dreaded 3 year mark. ... I thought.

Now I am just sad. I am angry at myself for even letting myself get my hopes up. After 35 months of trying to get pregnant and failing miserably... how could I let myself get all worked up over a little pink.

I am DEFINATELY losing my grasp at sanity.

3 comments:

Fertilize Me said...

i am so sorry - sending you hugs

Dreamer4agift said...

After all the research and educating myself that I've done over the past 2 1/2 yrs , you'd think I wouldn't jump at every little twinge either. Dealing with pills, shots, u/s, blood work, etc...well, you'd think I'd give up on something as simple as getting a bfp the natural way...but I don't. I still read into everything my body does. I'll jump on the insanity wagon right along next to you:) ((hugs))

r_is_moody said...

I have thought many times that this TTC rollercoaster is pure insanity. But I haven't gotten off yet, so I guess I enjoy the insanity of it all. Or I'm a just a glutton for punishment!

I have been doing this over 3 years and i still over analyze every twinge and spot hoping for the elusive bfp.

Hoping it does happen for you. (HUGS)