Battle...over

That battle of psychological warfare is finally over. Today is CD1

Didn't have to start the prov.era which I am grateful for!

I have been reading a lot of blogs this week (ICLW week ya know) and I have made up my mind that I am going to become more involved with advocating for infertility rights. I used to be pretty good about it in the beginning, but I guess after 5 years, I just lost steam. I will write a blog about my ideas on how to spread the word and stomp out ignorance soon.

So we are here, our first fertility treatment cycle in ...well...a while. I am so thankful that DH and I have the strength to go down this road again. I hope it is worth it!

Psychological Warfare

There is only one thing I hate about being infertile more than the actual act of being infertile. That is the psychological warfare that goes along with it.

I especially struggle now because I have been pregnant twice. The first pregnancy was during a Clo.mid cycle, the second was completely un-medicated and unexpected. Both ended the same...miscarriage.

The first miscarriage I was very passive with the doctors, I just didn't believe that after everything we had gone through, that this wouldn't "just work out". Well, it didn't and they believe that progesterone (or lack thereof) is the cause.

The second pregnancy I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was 6.5 weeks along - about as far along as when I lost the first baby. This time I immediately called the doctor, I demanded that they check my progesterone even though the dr. did not believe in progesterone therapy. The one thing I did not do is request a rush on the tests with a phone call the same day informing me of my progesterone numbers. So a week went by before I got the results and by the time the results came, it was too late. I was beginning to miscarry. My progesterone was 6.4 at 6.5 weeks - not enough to sustain a pregnancy...shit.

So now, I take ovulation tests, if I ovulate, I start progesterone right away, test in 2 weeks, call the RE immediately to have blood drawn and will be considered high risk with close monitoring at least through the first trimester.

There is a problem with that scenario however, I don't ovulate regularly and AF has gone missing again. So over the last couple of weeks when I started having some similar symptoms to when I was pregnant both times before, I tried to brush them aside. I was NOT going to allow my mind to dream this up again. I brushed it aside very well up until yesterday.

By breasts had become so sore, I could literally think of NO OTHER reason other than being pregnant. My mind started going 100 miles per hour. I did the Clear.blue easy fer.tility monitor 2 months ago - never even showed a small rise let alone a smiley face. So I stopped taking the tests when the machine told me too and waited for AF. I am still waiting. I started taking pregnancy tests (the really cheap ones I bought on the internet) last week because of the sore bb's and missing AF. They were all negative.

Yesterday evening I just couldn't take it anymore. I asked DH to pick up some pregnancy tests so I could test in the morning with a higher quality test. Maybe the internet cheapies were bunk.

That is when the psychological warfare began.

Surprisingly enough, I fell asleep rather quickly only to wake up at 12:30 am. My mind started racing. I was trying to convince myself I wasn't pregnant followed by a quick analysis of why I thought I was pregnant.

Then I thought about upcoming trips, holidays and how wonderful it would be to be pregnant during those times.

Then the thoughts of "crap" I haven't been taking proge.sterone, am I going to lose this baby too?

Then "if I am pregnant, I am calling my RE first and then my sister second, I will have her go with me to the RE tomorrow for support."

Then "how would I handle it if this pregnancy didn't work out?"

Then "you stupid girl, you don't even know that you are pregnant, your mind probably made up those symptoms just to "f" with you"

Then "why are you doing this to yourself? After five and a half years you think you would handle this better"

Then "There is no sense in staying up arguing with yourself, go back to sleep"

Then "Oh my heart is pounding I think I am having an anxiety attack."

Then "If you are pregnant, anxiety is not good for the baby, you need to relax."

This psychological warfare went on in my head in the middle of the night for over 3 hours. At 3:45 am I finally got out of bed and POAS. I was exhausted and I just wanted my brain to STOP.

BFN.

Crawled back into bed, sleep a few hours, got up and cried and now I am moving on.

Long Overdue update

Ok - I have been a crappy blogger and a crappy commenter...I know. There is so much going on right now, I just haven't felt like I could organize it into a well thought out blog. So...her goes a try. I cannot guarantee it will be organized or well thought out, but here it is:

Pace and I went on vacation. First to KS to visit my family (which can be challenging since they all have children) then to San Diego to just relax and enjoy the cool weather. The trip to KS actually went amazingly well. Of course it was hard seeing my niece and nephew knowing that I should have a child that is a month younger than them. It was even more difficult watching my niece take her first steps knowing that I should be reveling in this milestone with my own child. But...I survived.

I spent some wonderful time with my brothers, sisters, cousins and parents. I was relaxed and actually thought about non-IF related things more often than I thought about IF.

San Diego was AMAZING. Ok - it was cold and cloudy. A lot of people complained about that, but not me...I LOVED it! I loved every minute of walking on the beach with my husband and my dogs with a jacket on while looking out into the gray, gloomy cloudy sky. Heaven.

While I was in SD, I got to meet a longtime Internet friend that is on an infertility chat board that I have been a member of for *gasp* 5 years. It was so wonderful meeting her I just can't explain it. She has been such a wonderful friend and supporter over the last 5 years, it was beyond awesome to wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug!

So do you all remember how I was kind of bragging about how regular my cycles have been since my m/c in February? I mean 28-30 cycles are more than phenomenal for me! Well....that wonderful season is over. I am currently on day 56. Grrrrr so frustrating. So we are going to wait another week and then take some meds to bring AF to town. Then...we are moving on to our first Fem.ara cycle in 3 years. Our previous Fem.ara cycle was our very first IUI back in '07. It didn't work - at all. I have much more faith now however because I have my thyroid stabilized and I am on Met.formin. Neither of which was in place when we were doing IUI's before. We will not be doing IUI with the fem.ara, just trying the plain old traditional way.

I started seeing a life coach about a month ago and I can't believe I waited so long. I love her and I love what I am learning about myself! She is a fellow IF, so she absolutely "gets" where I am, where I struggle and how frustrated and out of control I feel. That is an amazing feeling! I am hoping to stare these next cycles right in the face and go forward full steam feeling positive, hopeful and as relaxed as possible.

Thank you to those that are still reading my blog even though I am not very good at updating. I am still reading yours as well, even though I don't comment often enough. The majority of you are pregnant now or have just recently had children which is wonderful, I just hope you understand that sometimes it is difficult to read or comment.