On to #2

Apparently my ovaries just weren't up to working this month.
At Friday's appointment, I had only one follicle (for those of you who don't know what a follicle is, it is the thing that develops on your ovary that eventually an egg will grow in and mature ready for conception) Anyway...that one follicle was only 11 mm. So...the count decreased and the size increased barely. 11mm is a far cry from the 18 or 20mm that it needs to be at.

I was angry, I am angry, I am confused, I don't understand and I am utterly devastated. But...I am ok. I am going through my daily motions, living my life and suprisingly enough, I am ok. Mr. Clinger has been wonderful! He holds me when I need to be held, let's me cry when I need to cry and makes me laugh when I need to laugh. I have no idea where I would be in this journey without him!

So we are moving on to the next cycle. We will be doing more aggressive treatments this time. I don't know when the next cycle will start, and that is ok with me right now. I am looking forward to enjoying Valentine's Day and our wedding (and TTC) anniversary with my husband without having to worry about meds, Dr. appts., what I eat, what I drink, etc. I am looking forward to the break. '

Don't get me wrong, I wish we didn't have to move onto another cycle, but a break is welcome right now.

It has truly been a blessing, all of those who have and continue to support Mr. Clinger and I through this journey. We are truly blessed by our friends and family. People we expected support and love from failed us, and those that we never even expected have totally suprised us and have gone above and beyond the support and love we expected. It has definately been an eye opening experience.

So, I may not write for a while, it will at least be two weeks until we can think of starting another cycle.

Lazy freakin ovaries!

The verdict is in...it is not just my opinion, it is FACT that I have lazy ovaries!

They found 5 follicles that were big enough to measure, but even those were small at best. I have 3 that are 8mm, 1 that is 6mm and 1 that is 5mm. My dr. won't even think of triggering me until they are at least 18mm, preferably 20mm...so they have a lot of work to do.

I am thankful that I have not overstimulated, but I am so frustrated that I have to wait longer AND pay more money for more ultrasounds! If they don't do some major growing in the next couple of days, the cycle might be a wash.
Silly me...here I was worrying about hyperstimulation - I should have known better.

(sigh)

I go back on Friday the 9th for another check-up. Hopefully we get better news than we did today.

Holy Ovaries

Now I am not exactly sure, but I think my ovaries are officially the size of grapefruits! I suppose that is a good thing, that means the Femera is doing something! Last night was my last dose of the Femera, now I just sit and wait until my Dr. appt. on Tuesday.

Yesterday I felt pretty crappy. I just felt so exhausted and I could not get comfortable. I felt like every time I sat down I was squishing my ovaries. (Quite the odd feeling I must say!) So i was totally lazy and stayed on the couch almost all day!

I don't really think I am stressed about this cycle. I am kind of just "going through the motions" in a fog. I am trying to detach myself a little because I am terrified of being dissapointed. Those of you who know me, know that I am a pretty emotional (sometimes drama-queen) person. So, the thought of getting my hopes up that this cycle will work ony for them to ultimately be destroyed, is almost more than i can bear.

So, I focus on detaching and turning over this cycle to God so that he may do His will.

Babies...Babies...everywhere

I totally understand that the world does not revolve around me. I do REALLY!

However, I find some recent occurrences in my life quite odd.

Babies are everywhere. The further and further I get into this infertility thing...the more I am convinced that the cosmic universe is really trying to piss me off. Planting pregnant women and newborn babies in every unsuspecting place imaginable.

Example #1: American Idol just started. I thought of all shows, this would be a "safe" show. No babies, no pregnant people, right? Wrong. There was last week. Millions of you saw it. The contestant that missed his wife giving birth to their second child in order to audition on American Idol. They actually took American Idol cameras to her hospital room and filmed dads first look at his baby. Priceless

Example #2: I watch the O.C. Don't hold it against me, it used to be a good show (and a good excuse to get together with my girlfriends on Thursday). I am painfully aware of how bad the show is now, however there are only 4 episodes left, so I can't help myself. Kirsten Cohen (now well into her 40's) ends up pregnant. Then the show goes into great detail of her abortion when she was in High School and her guilt following that abortion. Her only living child is now going off to college and OOPS...she is now pregnant. The OOPS factor is the part that really burns. So I decide to change the channel to my new addiction, Grey's Anatomy

Example #3: On Grey's Anatomy they have opened up a free clinic and the first patient is a 13 year old girl who comes in and confessed that she is sexually active and "that it would really suck if I was pregnant." Yeah...you know what else would suck little girl? That your promiscuity as a teenager would lead to several STD's which prevent you from having children when you are old enough and are ready to have children. Or even worse yet...you get an STD that will KILL you!

(insert rant)

Why is it that young men and women feel that pregnancy is the worse thing that can happen to them if they are sexually active with multiple partners? Pregnancy is not terminal, it will not (under most circumstances) kill you, you will not have to be medically treated for it for the rest of your life, you will not have the obligation to tell every sexual partner you are with for the rest of your life that if they engage in sexual intercourse with you, they may catch it. It will not break down your immune system to the point that you wilt away into nothing and eventually die from it.

So why does our youth have the mentality that pregnancy is the worst thing that could happen to them if they are sexually active? Where have they learned this?

I volunteer at a women's crisis center. I deal with sexually active clients on a regular basis, most of them come to our clinic for pregnancy tests. Whether their test is positive or negative, I am always shocked at the look I get when I ask when they are going to get checked for STD's. What??? Me??? no,no,no...I don't need to get checked...we used a CONDOM...OK, I get that, but you just took a PREGNANCY TEST!!! We are obviously missing something here.

(rant over)

I watch the news in the morning while I am getting ready for work. I guess I am just at glutton for stories about death, rape, murder, robberies, car crashes and the Suns. Anyway...I am getting ready the other morning and a commercial comes on. It is for a new way of "permanent" birth control. Can't remember the name....the main thing I remember about this commercial is a woman probably in her mid to late 30's saying "and my insurance company paid for the entire procedure."

Ahhhh Lady...give me a break here!!! I really don't feel like crying in my Grape-Nuts this morning! My insurance company won't pay for $*&%, but I guess if I ever want to permanently destroy the hope of ever having biological children, my insurance will pay for that. That is really good to know, just in case my body starts spontaneously producing mass amounts of children. I will have to take down that number the next time I see the commercial and put it in my wallet for a rainy day.

(insert vomiting here)

So, the moral of the story is...they are everywhere. Pregnant women, newborn babies, baby toys, baby products, everywhere. Don't get me wrong...I love them. I love pregnant women ( I do, I think they are adorable) I love babies (obviously) I love baby toys, products, everything about them. But right now, at this distinct time in my life, they are all painful reminders of my struggle.

I decided tonight that around 6 in the evening is the best time to grocery shopping because those with children are either at home preparing dinner for their children, putting them to bed, or taking them to soccer practice. Therefore, my chances of running into pregnant women or newborns is decreased.

(When I shared this expert advice to the cashier tonight she said...oh...and where are your kids? ...

My response: "I wish I knew.")

Follicle Fertilizer

Well, took my second dose of the Femera last night and so far I have had no side effects! Totally wonderful! I've been a little moody, but I think most of that is from AF and just the stress of the entire situation.

Mr. Clinger is getting so excited for this procedure, although he has always been involved in this process, this last week he has really expressed an interest and has been amazing! I don't know how I would ever get through this without him! He has showed such strength and he happily listens to any and all updates and never complains.

Any husband that will sit and listen to what I have had to share with him about my anatomy etc., is a wonderful husband!

After tonight, I will only have 2 more doses of Femera, then just wait until my appt. on Tuesday and HOPE that we have only ONE or TWO big follicles that are waiting to be penetrated! :-) I pray that the fertilizer (Femera) does it 's job and doesn't feel the need to overcompensate for lack of follicles in the past. We really only want 1 or 2 big follicles, any more than that will increase our chances of multiples greatly, and may cause the cycle to be cancelled.