Thursday, July 07, 2011

Loved, Remembered, Acknowledged...

This is a complete and total spin-off of my friend PinkaDot's recent blog post. She recently wrote about how difficult maintaining friendships is while going through infertility. It just really struck a cord with me.

She stated that the three fundamental things infertile women (probably men too) need from their friends are to be: Loved, Remembered and acknowledged. I know that this is easier said than done if you are a fertile myrtle trying to be a good friend to a not-so-fertile-myrtle and have never walked in their shoes. However, I couldn't help but realize how true this is!

During my 6.5 years of this craptacular journey I have lost many, many friends. Some of them mutual, some of them not. I think the reason most of them failed was that I didn't feel "remembered and acknowledged". They had their families and distanced themselves from me for fear of hurting my feelings, saying the wrong thing...I don't know, maybe I just turned into a complete b!tch.

So many holidays have come and gone during this journey where I have felt alone and forgotten. I feel like a leper on Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter, Christmas, Halloween and many other days of the year. It's like most people just don't know what to say, don't know how to approach me, so they just don't. Either that or they pretend like everything is hunky dory and they have no idea why certain days are extremely difficult for me. I am not sure which one hurts the most.

It has left me feeling extremely isolated. Like I have some weird disfigurement that no one wants to talk about for fear of hurting my feelings. All it would really take is a simple "I'm thinking of you today" I think that is simple enough isn't it? It gets the point across and there is no need to go into details like "You are on my mind today because I know it is Mother's Day and even after all you have been through, your arms are still empty other than your 3 babies in heaven which deserve to be acknowledged on this day as well."
The very easy "Thinking of you" says all of that. I can read between the lines....really.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently. Thinking about the friends I have, the friends I don't and the friends that are no longer good for me. Unfortunately many of the good friends I have now, live far away. Not all of them, I do have some wonderful friends that live locally as well, but the majority of them live far away. They are friends from High School that I have reconnected with and they are friends that I have met on my Infertility chat board. Not all of them are infertile, but they are all an amazing source of support and love.

They always leave me feeling Loved, Remembered and Acknowledged. So for those of you that are reading this, infertile or not...I challenge you to reach out to someone who is infertile...and be the one that makes them feel Loved, Remembered and Acknowledged.

6 comments:

Anna said...

Very well said, friend. I think most people who are less-than-stellar friends to IFers don't do it on purpose, they just avoid the topic because they don't know what to say. Which leaves us unacknowledged and unremembered. Which in turn, causes us to have hurt feelings and the relationship falls apart. Let me know if you want to help out with that book. ;) (((HUGS)))

Anna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Glass Case of Emotion said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. In fact the MORE losses I had, the WORSE it got. (You'd think they would want to reach out more, but I think before that there were platitudes and then they realized the platitudes didn't help.) It's a tough spot to be in. Well, your blog friensd do love, remember, and acknowledge you! I know it's not the same, but I hope it helps...

Jeremy and Emily said...

Hey Nichole, I want you to know that I think about you almost everyday of the year (seriously. I'm pretty sure I check your blog for updates EVERY day! and wonder how you're doing) I know how hard all those holidays are but just know that even though I'm TERRIBLE at keeping up with people, I AM thinking of you and know what you're going through!

stink-bomb said...

oh Nichole, this post is just perfect and hit the nail right on the head. there will be many of us who can relate to exactly what you wrote and hope for the same thing - just a simple "i'm thinking of you" - it really is an easy thing to say/do - 3 simple words that mean so much to the people you say them to.

on mothers day this year, i sent out a simple message on Facebook to all my friends in my list who are struggling with IF, whether still ttc or having given up - I tagged them individually and just simply stated that on this day that can be so hard for many, that i was thinking of them - i got such positive feedback and so many thank yous for doing that, for taking the time to stop and think of my fellow IFer's on one of the toughest days we have to face. it took me all of about 5 minutes to do but meant so much to the people i acknowledged.

xxx

"His Perfect Timing" said...

Friends are friends, no matter how far away! Most of my friends live far away too.
I also get the comment "I mean to ask, but don't know how to" or "I don't know what to say" ... usually after I tell them the latest news voluntarily. It stinks.