Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Sober Dreams

Each of us has a dream. We have an idea for how we want our lives to mature and the goals we want to accomplish along the way.

My dream for the last 27 years was to have a family. I wanted to be a mom so badly and every time I envisioned my future - I was always in the mom role. Not always the "wife" role but always the mom role.

As I am preparing to let go of that dream I am feeling utterly lost. I no longer know what I want out of my life. I have spent the last 8 years of my life (and my entire marriage) trying to have a family and now I am not certain who I am. I don't know what my passion is, what my goals are or even how to rebuild a dream that I have had for so long that doesn't involve having a family.

It's completely overwhelming and isolating. It's exciting and adventurous. It's thrilling and terrifying.

I have caught myself wondering if this is what it feels like to have a mid-life crisis. I look at my life and realize that it isn't anything like what I thought it was going to be. I have lost myself somehow in this drive to have a family. I lost sight of all other passions I had. I lost sight of my role as a wife, as a friend, as a daughter and sister. Almost every aspect of my life has drenched in fertility treatments, support groups, blogs, adoption certifications, research, testing, failed cycles, miscarriages and failure.

I have conflicting feelings on making the choice to live child-free. After having a dream for so long, it is extremely difficult to just let that go. However at the same time, I feel like I am a free basing crack whore coming down from a wild trip. I am definitely having infertility withdrawals and withdrawals from the dream I once had, from the identity I wanted and from the goals I sought to achieve. Now I am this freshly sober person fumbling around like a new born pony trying to find a different identity for myself, a different goal and a different dream. It is a bitch.  

How do you build a new dream for yourself after you have had the same one for so long?

4 comments:

Mali said...

How do you build a new dream for yourself? First, let yourself grieve the loss of the previous dream. Then you'll be able to open up to all the new exciting things you can do. And second, don't expect to suddenly know what you want, and to have your life all mapped out. In my experience at least, it doesn't work that way. Good luck!

Mali said...

How do you build a new dream for yourself? First, let yourself grieve the loss of the previous dream. Then you'll be able to open up to all the new exciting things you can do. And second, don't expect to suddenly know what you want, and to have your life all mapped out. In my experience at least, it doesn't work that way. Good luck!

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I like what Mali said ... don't suddenly expect to know what you want. Give yourself time. Easier said than done, I know. I'm not great at giving advice, but wanted to comment to let you know I'm praying for you and for God's guidance to give you some direction.

the misfit said...

Infertility DOES steal your identity. I am curious how that will work out for those who were "successful" - who, after years of infertility treatments, are caring for an infant (or several). Caring for small people tends to put your identity in suspension - there's no time or energy left over for "finding yourself." If your identity had already been stamped out for years before the baby came on the scene, where will you look for it when the babies are grown? I suspect the long-term fallout from the success stories is going to be uglier than for us failures (because we're dealing with the problem now).

I think Mali's comments are wise. I would also offer these ideas: embrace things that bring you joy. (That doesn't mean that shoe shopping is going to be your new calling in life, but it's good to exercise those faculties of knowing what you want.) Say "yes" to more invitations - maybe all of them. Ask yourself what social issues are important to you, and find a couple of places to volunteer. Get a couple of magazine subscriptions. And maybe cancel a couple. Go through your closets and look for projects that you started and forgot when infertility treatment took over your life.

I'm still working on finding what major initiative will define my life, but I have crazy awesome hobbies, a lot of new friends, and I've taken a hard look at my marriage and what needs to be better and I'm doing that work (uncomfortable though it may be). Ten years from now, I aspire to be a woman who is living her life 100%.