I have often wondered why Infertility has changed every aspect of my life. Why I have lost so many friends because of it, why I feel like a completely different person now than I was 2 and a half years ago. Here it is:
I am hurt, more hurt than I have ever been in my entire life but I am stuck in some sick, twisted game of "pretend"
Most of the time I put on my happy face and pretend like I am just fine. Nothing is bothering me. I am strong. I won't let infertility bring me down. The problem with that is it is very dishonest and unhealthy. There is no level of my being that is "ok" with my infertility. I can't wrap my head around the fact that my body is broken. Don't tell me it isn't broken, cause it is just that. Broken.
I would consider myself a fairly intelligent individual. I am intelligent enough to know that my friends do not want to see my "real" feelings and emotions about infertility all of the time. It is uncomfortable and even the ones that have stuck by me so far have probably had their moments of "I really wish we could talk about something else." They are completely entitled to that.
So...I pretend when they are around and then fall apart when they leave. Leaving my husband to pick up my pieces.
It is kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If I show my true feelings and emotions about infertility, I lose friends, make people uncomfortable, and ultimately alienate myself from almost everyone I know in real life.
If I pretend to be ok, I am lying to myself, shaming myself and not handling the situation in a very healthy manner.
There has to be some sort of happy medium right? I mean GOOD friends are supposed to be there for me when I am down. But at what point do friends get a "clearance" card to back away and not feel bad about it because they just can't handle being around me (and my infertility) anymore?
On a lighter note I am feeling smiley happy and Kate tagged everyone to play this little game...so here is my Google results with smileys to make it a little more fun:
Nichole needs: all the prayer she can get (yeah no kidding. Is that the Lord telling me something or what?
Nichole needs: to get hooked on some Twinkies (that is the LAST thing I need to do!)
Nichole needs: to get over to Flckr and start posting some random pictures.
Nichole needs: to gain some weight ( I assume they are most definately talking about Nicole Richie and NOT ME!)
Nichole needs: a loving family that can be patient with her
Nichole needs: a spanking! (I SWEAR google said this. I did NOT make this up, although not a bad idea!)
Nichole needs: more help than any of us! (Hmmm you may have a point there)
Nichole needs: to maintain contact with her younger sister.
Nichole needs: to get outta the house
Nichole needs: to RIP (mmmm gonna leave that one alone.
Hope you enjoyed my "needs" Have a great one!
