Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Epiphanies, smileys and needs.

I want to start off by sincerely thanking Serenity for her post today. It really helped me put into perspective what I have been trying to say for so long but haven't been able to.

I have often wondered why Infertility has changed every aspect of my life. Why I have lost so many friends because of it, why I feel like a completely different person now than I was 2 and a half years ago. Here it is:

I am hurt, more hurt than I have ever been in my entire life but I am stuck in some sick, twisted game of "pretend"
Most of the time I put on my happy face and pretend like I am just fine. Nothing is bothering me. I am strong. I won't let infertility bring me down. The problem with that is it is very dishonest and unhealthy. There is no level of my being that is "ok" with my infertility. I can't wrap my head around the fact that my body is broken. Don't tell me it isn't broken, cause it is just that. Broken.
I would consider myself a fairly intelligent individual. I am intelligent enough to know that my friends do not want to see my "real" feelings and emotions about infertility all of the time. It is uncomfortable and even the ones that have stuck by me so far have probably had their moments of "I really wish we could talk about something else." They are completely entitled to that.
So...I pretend when they are around and then fall apart when they leave. Leaving my husband to pick up my pieces.
It is kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If I show my true feelings and emotions about infertility, I lose friends, make people uncomfortable, and ultimately alienate myself from almost everyone I know in real life.
If I pretend to be ok, I am lying to myself, shaming myself and not handling the situation in a very healthy manner.

There has to be some sort of happy medium right? I mean GOOD friends are supposed to be there for me when I am down. But at what point do friends get a "clearance" card to back away and not feel bad about it because they just can't handle being around me (and my infertility) anymore?

On a lighter note I am feeling smiley happy and Kate tagged everyone to play this little here is my Google results with smileys to make it a little more fun:

Nichole needs: all the prayer she can get (yeah no kidding. Is that the Lord telling me something or what? Angel

Nichole needs: to get hooked on some Twinkies (that is the LAST thing I need to do!)
Fat Woman 2
Nichole needs: to get over to Flckr and start posting some random pictures.
Nichole needs: to gain some weight ( I assume they are most definately talking about Nicole Richie and NOT ME!)
Fat Woman 4
Nichole needs: a loving family that can be patient with her
Aunt Niece Cousins Nephew Uncle Great-grandma Great-grandpa Grandma Mom Dad

Nichole needs: a spanking! (I SWEAR google said this. I did NOT make this up, although not a bad idea!) Shy Whistler

Nichole needs: more help than any of us! (Hmmm you may have a point there)
Lord Help Me
Nichole needs: to maintain contact with her younger sister.
Greatest Sister Ever
Nichole needs: to get outta the house
Camp Fire
Nichole needs: to RIP (mmmm gonna leave that one alone.


Hope you enjoyed my "needs" Have a great one!


Jenn said...

I think the hurt of infertility is just so all consuming. It effects absolutely everything. People who haven't gone through it just can't get it. In my better moments, I'm glad they don't get it. In the more frequent moments, even that makes me bitter.

serenity said...

Thanks for the call out!

That's the thing. There should be a middle ground - somewhere. It might mean cocooning when you need it (I need to do that right now). It might mean coming out and telling a good friend that you're so hurt and sad and need someone to commiserate and say "wow, that really sucks."

But at the same time you can't be "that friend" - the one who's always the energy drain.

*sigh* I tell ya, the coping part of IF is the hardest part. Really.


Inconceivable said...

That Nicole Needs - SOOO funny ... i say whip out that box of twinkies you are hiding and share DANGIT!!

LJ said...

That was pretty funny (the smileys part).

For me, it was really helpful to stumble upon one friend in real life that I could talk to about this stuff. It made me feel like I wasn't holding it in all the time, just saving it for later.

So, I don't know if you have a good friend that you could broach the subject with but, doing a brain dump with her could help, and knowing you could do it every now and then (and vice versa if she needed you...)

Ok, end of my assvice.

Changing Expectations said...

Thanks for visiting my blog today!

IF is all encompassing - physically and emotionally. I understand what you mean about putting on the happy face and pretending that everything is okay. It is so difficult and most people just do not and will never understand.

Hang in there, I know that this is so hard. I am thinking about you.

Stacie said...

Stacie needs: let people know that the reason she is what she is is because of God and his help for her.

...her own forum! be the perfect roll model. go fill up her car with gas and leave right now. lose 15 pounds.

...a fragrance that expresses her elegance and flair cards to use when she attends international student meetings.

...all check donations by May 13.

...and deserves support.

IF just sucks. Serenity said it so well.

As for the needs game, perfume makes me ill but I am amused that I need check donations.

The Town Criers said...

I don't think they get the clearance card. That's the thing--you can't step forward ONLY when times are easy. At the same time, dealing currently with a friend who is severely depressed and has been for a long time, it's hard. It's hard to keep sticking in there. But I do it. Because that's part of being a friend. And I have faith that one day her life will be different.

Leah said...

Goodness knows I understand how you feel. I just wish I wasn't the person that had to worry about driving her friends away with her depression and obsessive IF chatter! I have to believe that we will all come through this intact, and that when we do, we'll still have our families and a handful of good friends at our sides.

KarenO said...

Infertility changes everything about you for ever. It's the worst thing that happened to me ever. I so understand what you're going through. Don't be too hard on yourself! We're here for you when you want to rant and rave and all the other emotions too :)

Kate said...

The friendship issue seems to be the theme of the week *sigh*. I hope you can find what you need from your friends.