Sunday, June 03, 2007

June...empty, yet uplifting

It has been strikingly odd the past couple of days. I haven't worried about when I need to start my meds, when (if) my period is going to start, what cycle day I am on, if we have enough money to do another cycle. Nothing. It is actually an empty yet uplifting experience.

I kept myself busy this weekend so I didn't have to think about my infertility and our upcoming decisions. (To the best of my ability anyway...I will explain more in a sec.) Saturday morning Pace and I went to the women's center where I volunteer and did some physical labor (Pace did most of the physical labor, I supervised) Then we had dinner with his mom, watched a movie and went to bed. We got up this morning, changed the oil in my car, cleaned and vacuumed the inside, same with Pace's truck, organized all of the papers (crap) in our office, did laundry, went to dinner and then to the movies.

While sitting at dinner, there was a young girl (roughly 22 or 23) with an infant. Maybe two or three weeks old. Broke my heart. Here she was enjoying an outing and I was angry about it. Then I got angry at myself for being angry about it.

I remember the good 'ole days when I saw a baby and smiled. I remember seeing a pregnant woman and thinking to myself how cute she looked with her baby belly and smiling at her. I remember walking down the baby isle in every store I went to in order to get ideas for my future children and having so much hope and joy in my heart. I remember anxiously awaiting the phone call from my sister to tell me that her and her husband were expecting. I remember the day when I couldn't wait for my friends to have babies so I could throw them baby showers, enjoy the pregnancy with her, buy things for her baby, babysit for her.

Now all I feel is...anger and sadness. I cringe when I have to go in public, I get angry at pregnant women, I cry when I see babies, I take every route possible at the store to avoid the baby isle, my heart stops briefly when my sister calls and I hate checking the mail for the fear that there may be a baby shower invitation looming inside the box.

Will this ever go away? Will I ever be able to be the happy, relatively non-bitter person I once was?

I don't know.

To close out a relatively great weekend...we saw Shrek the Third. Great movie. I have loved all of the Shrek movies. It has kid humor in it, but enough adult humor to keep it interesting for the adults as well. While sitting in the theatre, waiting for the previews to start Pace turned to me and said "We are the only adult couple here without kids."
Cue the tears.
I know what he meant. He was making an observation about how kid like we still are, and that he thinks it is cute and enjoys the fact that we can enjoy kid movies together. We love animated movies, we love cartoons. We love Shrek! But the way my mind interpreted it was "You are the only childless loser sitting in a theatre filled with beautiful families. You should have seen something else. Why would you go to a kid movie when you don't have kids, YOU DON"T BELONG HERE!"
Cue the panic attack. Heart racing, palms sweating, quickened breath.

I was able to talk myself down. We watch kid movies because we are kids at heart. We enjoy the humor, they aren't filled with cuss words and violence, and hey...we needed a laugh. Which is exactly what we got.

Aside from the almost constant reference to babies and pregnancy in the movie, it was great. If I wasn't going through this infertility crap, I would give it 5 stars, but, I am. I am a different person than I was even a year ago and I am finally coming to realize (and will accept someday) that I will never be that person again.


LJ said...

You are a brave woman, going to see Shrek 3. But no mistake, it doesn't make you anything but strong and awesome.

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry that things are so hard right now. The whole thing really sucks. I'll keep praying for you (for peace, strength, and healing.)

mandolyn said...

I think one of the hardest things about infertility is trying to pretend that every little thing that you come across on a daily basis doesn't make you choke back tears. I'm so sorry that it makes everything difficult. I wish that made it all better.

Anonymous said...


Hang in there, girl.