It has taken me three days to write this blog. I have had more trouble writing this blog than any other blog I have written.
I had my follow up with my RE on Wednesday. Doesn't look good for me right now.
He told me it was too risky to move forward with IUI. There would probably be many more cancelled cycles either due to lack of follicle maturation or having too many mature follicles. (Finding the happy medium between the two is going to be very difficult) The risk of multiples (more than 2) is very high and I would probably be faced with multiple miscarriages. *Boy doesn't that sound cheery*
So, our options are adoption and IVF (InVitro Fertilization). One IVF alone costs $16,000. Granted, Dr. R said he feels very strongly that I would get multiple embryos (which we could freeze and use at a later date) which kind of softens the financial blow a little bit...but...$16,000!!!
It isn't just the money either. It is everything. I haven't been able to allow myself to mourn the last cancelled cycle as well as this news from Dr. R. I am sick of being sad! I am tired of being bitter. I went to the grocery store last night and every pregnant woman I saw, I made a face at. (not to her face, of course cowardly behind her back) Every pregnancy test commercial on TV I flip the bird to. It is childish, immature, and ridiculous but I don't know how else to handle this.
Every time I see previews for the movie "Knocked Up" I want to put my fist through a wall or throw up all over our 42" T.V. I don't want to watch T.V. because I am scared I will see a baby or pregnancy test commercial or birth control commercial. I don't want to go in public because I don't want to see pregnant women, newborn babies or just kids in general.
I just want to dig a tunnel to some deserted island and go there. By myself. So I can kick, scream, cry, throw my temper tantrum, cuss, bite, throw sand etc. I want to have a full on two year old's temper tantrum. I want to bang my head on the wall, stomp my feet, cry until there is snot covering my face, and hold my breath until I pass out.
Because I don't how to handle this. I don't know how to handle the sadness and depression I feel, I don't know how to handle the inadequacy I feel, I don't know how to handle the shame I feel, I don't know how to handle the anger I feel, I don't know how to handle my church and my *tested* faith, I don't know how to handle the fact that I don't feel like a woman. At all.
I have started doing research on both IVF and adoption. We will be attending an IVF orientation class either in late June or July. I have also contacted some local adoption agencies and have requested information packets from them. **sigh** Sometimes I wonder if all of this shit is worth it. I don't know how much more of this I can handle emotionally.