Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I'm still here...physically anyway

Just wanted to check in. Don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but just in case...
yes. I.am.alive.
Barely it seems. I am still on a much needed (although much loathed) trying to conceive break. That's right. No shots. No hoo ha probing. No Exam Room 4.
Just me in all of my overweight, anovulatory, infertile glory.

I feel very isolated right now. For the last 4 years I have belonged to a "group" of some sort. When Pace and I got engaged I was the "bride" in the Wedding Planning group. I surrounded myself with women who were picking out there dresses, colors, ministers, music, etc. It was great to have that connection with other women.
When we first started trying to conceive, I belonged to this TTC (trying to conceive) group. A group of people who were traveling down the same road as I. Starting out on this amazing quest to become a mommy.

Then, when I was unable to become a mommy, I moved on to the TTTC (Trouble Trying to Conceive) group. Ahhhhh, I belonged again, I had a group I could call my own. Women who were facing the same struggles and adversity as I.

Now...I don't belong anywhere. Not in the wedding planning group, not in the TTC group, not in the TTTC group, not in the mommy group, nowhere.

I haven't been able to bring myself to go to church for the last 2 weeks. I used to love going to church. That was my pick-me-up for the week. That is where I felt alive, revived and in control of my life. Now I just feel guilty for not going, guilty for not wanting to go, guilty for not tithing and am just waiting for my punishment.

I think back to High School and college and am frighteningly aware of this cycle. This cycle I remember so well. I have been down this road so many times. For many different reasons, but so many times.
She's back.
I really am miserable to be around right now. I pity those who have to be around me. I try to put on a happy face as much as possible, but inside I am just writhing in anger and frustration.

I'm smoking again. I lasted five months and then broke. I can't tell my family cause they would be so disappointed. (then probably tell me that smoking is probably the reason I can't have kids) I don't smoke a lot, one or two in the evening in my backyard with Pace. Just something to take the edge off. Something to make me feel like I belong somewhere. The best part about it is that Pace doesn't judge. He never has. Even after all of the times I have screwed up, after all of the emotional rants, the tears, the screaming, the yelling, he has never judged me. Just loved me and accepted me for who I am.

I do have my dr. appt. tomorrow. I haven't really wanted to put in a lot of time or energy into creating a list of questions to ask. So...now that I have procrastinated that down to the last minute, I will have to do that tonight. Sit down and figure out what I should/need to ask, I have to dive back into that open wound and explore it, at least for a little while before I can cover it up with dirt again and pretend it isn't there.

So, I may not be blogging much, but I am reading your blogs, I am still here supporting and cheering on my fellow infertile myrtles who are vicariously carrying the TTC torch high and proud in my absence. Please know that I love each of you and am hoping and praying that this current cycle you are on will be THE ONE!


Melissa said...

I'm still reading, Nichole - and praying for you to have some peace in your heart. This infertility stuff is just so freaking hard. I hope you feel better soon.

LJ said...

Of course I'm still here reading, wouldn't miss it for anything.

I am so sorry you are having a rotten time with it, and there's not much I can say to soothe, except we're all here for you too.