Well, I have officially completed the 9 shots of follistim. My right thigh has turned into a calming hue of blue and purple. I am exhausted, ALL THE TIME, and beginning to have anxiety attacks about our appointment today.
I guess that is one of the most amusing things about infertility. There are so many hurdles you have to jump through and so many "defining moments" throughout this journey. It isn't just the anticipation of the two week wait. It is the anticipation of EVERY STEP!
You anticipate every single appointment, every single ultrasound, every single blood test, or HSG, or insemination, or pregnancy test. Everything we do during this journey carries with it a nice fat dose of anticipation.
You anticipate this test...you pass WHEW...or... you fail SHIT... Change directions, start over, more tests....anticipate....pass WHEW.... then...BFN... SHIT....change directions, new protocol, wait...wait...wait...shots...shots...shots....anticipate...no follicles SHIT...cancel cycle ... change directions, new protocol...anticipate...shots...shots....shots... anticipate... 1 follicle...OK...IUI... wait.2.weeks...BFN...SHIT... change directions...
You see where I am going with this right? We are in a constant state of inconsistency. Oh...and we are not supposed to stress, cause that can affect your fertility...right.
I know I have lazy ovaries, they have proven their indolence for the last 15 years. They are quite successful at being lethargic. That is what they do best. I can't say it is all my ovaries fault. It is kind of a chain of command issue. I personally think it all started with the pituitary gland. Who could trust anything named "pituitary"? It just sounds like a rebel without a cause. I am not sure what happened to make my pituitary gland mad, but it was something big and "he" is holding quite the grudge.
Maybe now since I am taking the hormone he is supposed to be producing through a shot, he is realizing that he could lose his job very quickly if he doesn't change his attitude and increase his productivity! He IS replaceable. (By the way... I am not really sure why I decided that my pituitary gland is a man, now that I think about it, he is probably a she...after all...women are the only beings that could hold a grudge for 15 years!)
So here I sit, anxiously awaiting the results of my ultrasound. I am terrified that it will not be good news. If we have to stim for any longer, I am not sure we will be able to afford the meds. We have used up the meds that were graciously donated by one of my online friends. I have been praying extra hard for financial peace. I know that God will provide...He always does, but the fear in me is still there and not being financially "sure" is a scary place to be.
I guess I just need to turn that "fear" over to Him and let Him deal with it. It will work out, it has to. I am not sure I could face another disappointment.