Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I choose to lump it.

Well Ladies and Gents, I have done it again. I have survived a Mother's Day and failed a cycle in a matter of 2 days. My appointment yesterday didn't go well. I still have lots of follicles, but they are all small. Actually smaller than they were on Saturday.

So...cycle cancelled...
After spending thousands of dollars on ultrasounds and meds (even WITH some of them being donated)...
after lowering myself to beg for meds so we could afford this cycle...
after taking 16 injection shots to stimulate my ovaries...
after getting my hopes up that "third time is a charm."
after all of this...

I am beyond pissed. Pissed doesn't even come close to describing how I feel right now. The last thing I wanted to do today was drag my lazy ovary ass out of bed and go to work. No one understands, they don't know how it feels, sure they may look at me with pity, but they have no idea that my heart has just been shattered.

I am so ashamed to look at my husband. I feel like I have let him down, I have let everyone down. I have to accept the fact that I may never carry my husbands child in my belly. I may never have the opportunity to put Pace's hand on my belly as he waits to feel our baby kick back at his hand, I may never have the opportunity to watch my husband rock our baby to sleep. Meanwhile there are women getting pregnant and having abortions every day. Women who are addicted to drugs, women who have no desire for children, women who have no business procreating. They have no problem getting pregnant, multiple times even.

And people say to me...It's God's will. Oh, ok great thanks. That makes me feel a whole lot better! Why didn't I think of that before? It totally makes sense. God would MUCH rather the meth addict that lives under the overpass give birth to and raise His children, than Pace and I...yep. I get it. Perfectly Clear.

So God just wants to torture me and watch me writhe in my own pain, devastation and self-doubt? Is that God's will? Maybe that is how YOUR God plans the universe, but mine does not. I have no idea why this is happening to me, but if it is God's will for Pace and I not to have children, why does he make us want them so desperately?

Why can't we be the type of people that just hate kids. Why can't we see them as an inconvenience and a waste of money. Something to stand in the way of our goals? That would make life a whole lot easier and much less expensive! Then I could go back on birth control (to regulate my periods so my body isn't completely overcome by breast and ovarian cancer) and live my happy, skippy, childless life.

But Pace and I don't feel that way. We love children, and we can't imagine our life without them.
(Actually, I am beginning to imagine our life without children, this seems like more of a reality to me every day.)

Adoption is an option we will consider, but right now, there is no way we could afford it. So...I am just done for now. I just can't take pain like this. I battle depression when life is good, when something like this happens, it totally consumes me. Every inch of me. My body is lifeless and my heart hurts. Physically hurts right now.

We are going to take a couple of months off, no Dr. appts, no meds, no shots, no pregnancy tests, no nothing. I am going to eat sushi until I puke, smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink a case of beer or a bottle of wine daily. There. That is my therapy.

Like it or lump it. Cause that is what I am having to do. I choose to lump it.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry, Nichole. That really sucks. I hope that your break helps to heal your heart and renew your hope.