The Year...2010

So as you all know, we are currently on a break. I guess that's why I haven't blogged much. There really isn't anything going on in the TTC department. It has been total torture for me some days. It has been a blessing on others.

January 2010 we will be back in the game and as it gets closer, I feel the need to start preparing myself. I am not sure if we will go back to treatments or move forward with adoption, but either option we choose, there is a lot of preparation that needs to be done. Here is a "short" list of my recent ponderings.

Treatment
Start saving money
Start taking pre-natal vitamins again
Get serious about losing more weight
Start saving money
Get serious about my no/low carb/sugar diet
Find a new RE
Start saving money

Adoption
Start saving money
Research adoption agencies/attorneys
Start finding pictures for profile
Start saving money
Make some decisions on what we are open to
Get documents together
Start saving money

Do you see a common denominator? I sure do. Money.

The problem (other than not having the money)...beginning to prepare means "no longer on break" do Pace. You see, he asked for us to take the rest of the year off. No research, no treatments, no research, no anything fertility or family building related. I agreed to take a break, but I have no idea how to get through the next couple of months of our "break" without starting to prepare.

There is a family building symposium coming up on November 7th that is put on by Res.olve. It is a full day of family building information. There will be information on adoption and information on treatment. There will be adoption and fertility specialists. There will be success stories, birth moms the whole nine yards. I am SO EXCITED for it! It is like the Bridal Fair of infertility!

However, I will be going alone. Pace doesn't mind me going, but he isn't prepared to dive into it again. Although I understand where he is coming from, it makes me sad that he doesn't see this as an opportunity the same way I do. This is an opportunity to get many of the "things to do before TTC in 2010" crossed off the list.

I feel like I am in a very tough situation. A battle of sorts. Trying to be supportive of our decision to take a break, but also taking advantage of these amazing opportunities as they come. I don't want to cross "the line" of TTC/Not TTC but it is a really fine line to walk.

So that is where we are, I just wanted to check in, update you and let you know that I am still reading all of your blogs even though I haven't been writing a whole lot lately.

Much love!

Stuck

I haven't been around much lately. I just feel stuck. Then I got sick and the fever kind of zapped my creative juices.

My friend had her baby on Friday. A beautiful, healthy baby girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.

My other friend sent me a text yesterday to let me know that they found out that their baby was a little girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.

I didn't go to any of my support group meetings this month. I feel stuck.

I have so much anger inside. Anger for a particular person that I know very well that has a beautiful little girl that she doesn't take care of. Well, she takes care of her, but doesn't really protect her (it's a long story) and I feel stuck.

I had a dream last night that Pace and I were getting ready to make love and then all of a sudden a picture flashed on the computer of one of my friends from college and she was about 8 months pregnant. I didn't even know she was pregnant, it totally ruined "the mood" and I broke down in tears...I feel stuck. (for the record, this was only a dream. As far as I know she is not pregnant)

I am sick with something similar to the swine flu (may be the swine flu, but they are only testing in extremely bad cases, so they are treating me for it). So I have literally been on the couch or in bed since Sunday. My only entertainment was a book that I finished yesterday morning and a magazine that Pace bought me last night, so I have turned to television. Ughhhh BAD IDEA! Have you every tried to watch daytime television? OMG! I would rather be at work. With the "Brin.ging Home Ba.by", "A Ba.by Story", "I Didn't Kn.ow", "Bi.rth Day", "Run.way Moms", "Del.iver Me", "Adop.tion Stories", you just can't catch a break and for me it is like a train wreck. I know I SHOULDN'T watch and I should change the channel...I just CAN'T and I feel stuck.

I want off this roller coaster. I just want to be a mom. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to hold my own child in my arms and feel complete.

It's Howl-a-ween time!

Pace and I put up our Halloween decorations this weekend and I was also approached by a friend at church to help out with the annual Hallopalooza for our church this year.

All of this got me thinking, and actually made me kind of sad. No doubt about it, Halloween is a holiday for kids, and this time of year starts a very active season of children and family related holidays.

I told Pace last night that since we don't have a little one to dress up for Halloween, I was going to dress up the dogs. He wasn't thrilled, but I am pretty sure he was amused.

Here are a few ideas:

This would be for my little sugar, she is a very hyper-active mut. Looks like she is mixed with a wiener dog and chihuahua.

This would be for my bigger dog, Lucky. He thinks he is the biggest, baddest guard dog on the planet. He is also a mut. Kind of looks like Rhodesian Ridgeback and sharpei (not sure if that is spelled right)

Here is a pic of my furbabies:

I love these guys. They are my savior some days. They truly show me the meaning of unconditional love.

Pregnancy Announcements

This year has been full of them. I am once again in the phase where it seems like almost everyone I know is pregnant. I actually have a "fall" and a "spring" phase for whatever reason, so here I am. I have given a lot of thought to pregnancy announcements over the last couple of weeks and would like to share some of them with you.

Pregnancy announcement #1: Via myspace. This was a person that I used to be related to via marriage and who knows about our struggles.

Pregnancy announcement #2: In private on our way to dinner with some girlfriends, my friend told me she was expecting.

Pregnancy announcement #3: At a party in front of all our friends, my friend tells me that she is pregnant. She and her husband know everything about our infertility and we considered them some of our closest, best friends

Pregnancy announcement #4: Via an email, my cousin announced her pregnancy to the family

Pregnancy announcement #5: Via the news. Haha - don't let your mind jump to conclusions. It is actually the weather lady on the news that I watch EVERY morning while getting ready for work. (ok, so I don't KNOW her and she certainly doesn't KNOW me, but it is a pregnancy that I am faced with every day) LOL

Pregnancy announcement #6: Via text message. A friend and sort of relative announced that she and her husband are expecting

All of these announcements have occurred between February '09 and today. All of them were announced in different ways and each made me feel like I was punched in the stomach.

I don't know what the best way of announcing a pregnancy to an infertile woman is, but I can tell you the one that destroyed me the most was the one that was announced in public at a party. That was by far the hardest announcement to go through. Especially when both of them knew how badly we want a child of our own. It was down right cruel.

Anyone care to share a pregnancy announcement? Good or Bad? Leave a comment I would love to hear of your experiences!

AWARDS!!!

Thank you Jess and "The Unproductive One" for nominating me for the

award! I have always imagined myself as a little "Over the Top" so why would my blog be any different!

Ok so I have to answer the below questions with only ONE word answer:-

1. Where is your cell phone?DESK

2. Your hair? STRAIGHT

3. Your mother? COURAGEOUS
4. Your father? STRONG

5. Your favorite food? SUSHI

6. Your dream last night? YAMS

7. Your favorite drink? COFFEE

8. Your dream/goal? SERENITY

9. What room are you in? OFFICE

10. Your hobby? BLOGGING
11. Your fear? CHILDLESSNESS
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? KINDERGARTEN

13. Where were you last night? HOME
14. Something that you aren’t? SERENE
15. Muffins? NO
16. Wish list item? CHILDREN

17. Where did you grow up? KANSAS

18. Last thing you did? READ
19. What are you wearing? SHORTS

20. Your TV? OFF

21. Your pets? DOGS

22. Friends? GREAT

23. Your life? BLECH

24. Your mood? DISCOURAGED

25. Missing someone? YES

26. Vehicle? TRUCK

27. Something you’re not wearing? SOCKS
28. Your favorite store? MARSHALLS

29. Your favorite colour? GREEN

30. When was the last time you laughed? YESTERDAY

31. Last time you cried? TODAY

32. Your best friend? UNDECIDED

33. One place that I go to over and over? WORK

34. One person who emails me regularly? DEBI

35. Favorite place to eat? OREGANOS

I'm passing this award onto: Anyone who is reading this because let's be honest...opening up about our infertility, sex life, bodies, health, relationships, grief, miscarriages, treatments etc. on the Internet makes us ALL a little "Over the Top"!