Tuesday, October 20, 2009


I haven't been around much lately. I just feel stuck. Then I got sick and the fever kind of zapped my creative juices.

My friend had her baby on Friday. A beautiful, healthy baby girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.

My other friend sent me a text yesterday to let me know that they found out that their baby was a little girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.

I didn't go to any of my support group meetings this month. I feel stuck.

I have so much anger inside. Anger for a particular person that I know very well that has a beautiful little girl that she doesn't take care of. Well, she takes care of her, but doesn't really protect her (it's a long story) and I feel stuck.

I had a dream last night that Pace and I were getting ready to make love and then all of a sudden a picture flashed on the computer of one of my friends from college and she was about 8 months pregnant. I didn't even know she was pregnant, it totally ruined "the mood" and I broke down in tears...I feel stuck. (for the record, this was only a dream. As far as I know she is not pregnant)

I am sick with something similar to the swine flu (may be the swine flu, but they are only testing in extremely bad cases, so they are treating me for it). So I have literally been on the couch or in bed since Sunday. My only entertainment was a book that I finished yesterday morning and a magazine that Pace bought me last night, so I have turned to television. Ughhhh BAD IDEA! Have you every tried to watch daytime television? OMG! I would rather be at work. With the "Brin.ging Home Ba.by", "A Ba.by Story", "I Didn't Kn.ow", "Bi.rth Day", "Run.way Moms", "Del.iver Me", "Adop.tion Stories", you just can't catch a break and for me it is like a train wreck. I know I SHOULDN'T watch and I should change the channel...I just CAN'T and I feel stuck.

I want off this roller coaster. I just want to be a mom. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to hold my own child in my arms and feel complete.


Kate said...

Your post just struck such a deep chord with me. I am starting to accept that the IF journey is one of phases and that even when I am in a phase I hate at least I know the phase will change eventually. You will get beyond this phase. I'm sure being sick doesn't help. Hang in!

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

Baby girl, I am so sorry you are feeling like you are stuck in such a rut. I wish I could be there to hold you and let you cry out all your frustrations and heart ache. I miss you so much. Love you girl.

Anna said...

Hey girl. I hear ya on the daytime television stuff. I was home for a week after my lap, and then another week for Fall Break and I thought I would go insane! It was EVERYWHERE!!!

Wish we lived closer so we could lean on each other (i.e.- go out and drink and bitch. LOL)

Jess said...

I'm sorry you are sick! G is very sick too! I keep teasing him that he has the swine flu. It sounds like you both have the same symptoms.

So, B is having a girl? HAH! I knew it, how perfect-one boy and one girl! Life is so not fair sometimes.

I feel your pain babe! I hate that we have to struggle and go through hell to have a child when others lay down and get preggo so fast.

We will be amazing mothers tho and someday we we look back at this and smile because we will never take our babies for granted. We will adore every stage...hang in there...it will happen!


addingtothepack said...

I'm sorry you're stuck. But rest assured you are stuck in good company.

I hope you feel better soon!

Hillary said...

Sometimes I think "stuck" is the BEST word to describe infertility. ((hugs))

Hope you feel better soon!


the misfit said...

I'm sorry. Daytime TV is evil. Better: the internet ;). Not everyone here is having babies!

Anonymous said...

Oh hon, nothing to say but I wish I could just hug you!