I haven't been around much lately. I just feel stuck. Then I got sick and the fever kind of zapped my creative juices.
My friend had her baby on Friday. A beautiful, healthy baby girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.
My other friend sent me a text yesterday to let me know that they found out that their baby was a little girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.
I didn't go to any of my support group meetings this month. I feel stuck.
I have so much anger inside. Anger for a particular person that I know very well that has a beautiful little girl that she doesn't take care of. Well, she takes care of her, but doesn't really protect her (it's a long story) and I feel stuck.
I had a dream last night that Pace and I were getting ready to make love and then all of a sudden a picture flashed on the computer of one of my friends from college and she was about 8 months pregnant. I didn't even know she was pregnant, it totally ruined "the mood" and I broke down in tears...I feel stuck. (for the record, this was only a dream. As far as I know she is not pregnant)
I am sick with something similar to the swine flu (may be the swine flu, but they are only testing in extremely bad cases, so they are treating me for it). So I have literally been on the couch or in bed since Sunday. My only entertainment was a book that I finished yesterday morning and a magazine that Pace bought me last night, so I have turned to television. Ughhhh BAD IDEA! Have you every tried to watch daytime television? OMG! I would rather be at work. With the "Brin.ging Home Ba.by", "A Ba.by Story", "I Didn't Kn.ow", "Bi.rth Day", "Run.way Moms", "Del.iver Me", "Adop.tion Stories", you just can't catch a break and for me it is like a train wreck. I know I SHOULDN'T watch and I should change the channel...I just CAN'T and I feel stuck.
I want off this roller coaster. I just want to be a mom. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to hold my own child in my arms and feel complete.