Here is a poem I wrote today. Just part of the healing process I guess. Thank you all for your loving words and for your support.
My Precious Baby
You came to be
A little life in my womb
A gift from heaven
Taken too soon.
My heart is broken
My spirit, crushed
I don’t understand
Why your life was rushed.
We’ve waited so long
To be blessed with you
Now your gone…
My joy is too.
I dream of holding you
Of calming your fears
Of holding your hand
For the rest of my years
My precious baby
My angel above
I’ll miss you always
And forever will love.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Mommy to an angel
I lost the baby today. I went to the ER but when they did the u/s...the baby was already gone.
I am devastated and so angry right now. Please understand that I won't be blogging for a while. Thank you all for your supportive words. You are some of the best friends I have every had and most of you I have never met.
I love you little baby...I will see you in heaven.
I am devastated and so angry right now. Please understand that I won't be blogging for a while. Thank you all for your supportive words. You are some of the best friends I have every had and most of you I have never met.
I love you little baby...I will see you in heaven.
Short Update
I called the dr. office yesterday to get my results (just like my dr. told me to do) only to be told that they could not release that info over the phone. I was furious, irate is more like it. I had to beg and plead, but they were able to get me an appt. for Saturday morning so I could get the results of both Betas.
I rested last night and the spotting seemed to slow down...until this morning. I woke up with horrendous cramps and red spotting now.
I am numb, I am confused, I am scared and I have no idea what is going on. I am trying to be faithful and believe that this baby will make it and all will be ok. I am trying to talk myself into the fact that I will look back on this in 10 months while I am breastfeeding my baby and laugh at how overly emotional I was....but it is so hard.
I rested last night and the spotting seemed to slow down...until this morning. I woke up with horrendous cramps and red spotting now.
I am numb, I am confused, I am scared and I have no idea what is going on. I am trying to be faithful and believe that this baby will make it and all will be ok. I am trying to talk myself into the fact that I will look back on this in 10 months while I am breastfeeding my baby and laugh at how overly emotional I was....but it is so hard.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Unexptected Ride
Wow. The last 4 days have just been a whirlwind of emotion. We told everyone about our pregnancy. We were so excited we just couldn't hold it in. I know it is smartest to wait until after the 12 week mark...but after 3 and a half years...we just couldn't wait.
Tuesday...I started spotting. I of course totally freaked out! I left a message for my dr. and went to bed praying and praying and praying.
Wednesday...My dr. called back wanted to see me at 3:10 pm. I arrive with Pace at 3:05 and checked in with the secretary. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and asked her where they were. I went to the bathroom and then joined my husband again in the waiting room. About 10 minutes later a nurse came out and asked me if I had left her a urine sample in the bathroom. "NO...no one told me I needed to." She said "well...I need you to leave me a sample."
So I trotted back off to the bathroom to squeeze out what I could and rejoined my husband in the waiting room.
20 minutes went by and the same nurse came out and said "Nichole can you come here for a moment...I need to ask you something." I walked down the hallway with her then she asked me the question that sent fear and devastation down my spine. "When you took your home pregnancy tests...how long did you let them sit?" I replied. "I didn't, the first one came up within a few seconds, the second one took a little longer but it was a dollar store test, so I didn't think much of it." She said "well your test came back negative."
Of course at this point I started bawling. She tried to cover her tracks by saying "it might just be our tests...sometimes we get bad ones, I am doing another test right now, please don't cry." She told me to go back to the waiting room and the dr. would be with me shortly.
So I go back and sit in the waiting room with all of the "obviously" pregnant women and just wrapped my hands around my belly and started praying. 10 minutes later the same nurse called me back again, took my weight and escorted me to an exam room. She said that "Jocelyn said it was a faint positive, so I need to get some history from you." (Jocelyn is my dr. and don't you think the nurse was SO convincing?)
So after she took my history and left the room, the tears started flowing again, then Jocelyn came into the room saying "Congratulations!" Then she caught a look at my face and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her (between sobs) that the nurse had told me that the test was negative and i was totally freaking out. She said that it was a faint positive, but it was positive and told me not to worry. At this point I was crying so hard I swear the stupid paper gown they had me wearing was dissolving.
She did the pelvic exam and determined that my cervix was closed and that the spotting I was experiencing was old blood and said that she was not concerned about it at all. She said that she was going to send me to the lab to have a Beta drawn, and to check my progesterone and thyroid. She again said "Congratulations" (this word now makes me cringe because I have no idea WTF is going on with my BABY!)
So here is where I am at. I should get the results of my first Beta today (and my progesterone) then I go back to the lab on Friday to have another Beta drawn and the numbers from the Beta on Friday should be double the number of yesterdays Beta. As long as the numbers double...everything is fine and I can relax and try to enjoy being pregnant again, however if they don't double. It's over. I am miscarrying.
I am trying to hard to have FAITH. Surely God would not bring me up to this point and then take the baby away from me right? I mean I have very strong Women of God around me who have told me that God has revealed to them that I would have a baby in my arms by May of next year. Well...correct me if I am wrong, but that means that I would have to be pg now and be able to carry this baby that I am currently carrying... to term. So surely God isn't going to allow these revelations to be false right? I am really reaching out here to you women of Faith...I really need some encouragement right now. I need every prayer you can muster up right now.
I will update my post with the Beta and Progesterone results when I have them.
God Please Don't Take My Baby Away!
Tuesday...I started spotting. I of course totally freaked out! I left a message for my dr. and went to bed praying and praying and praying.
Wednesday...My dr. called back wanted to see me at 3:10 pm. I arrive with Pace at 3:05 and checked in with the secretary. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and asked her where they were. I went to the bathroom and then joined my husband again in the waiting room. About 10 minutes later a nurse came out and asked me if I had left her a urine sample in the bathroom. "NO...no one told me I needed to." She said "well...I need you to leave me a sample."
So I trotted back off to the bathroom to squeeze out what I could and rejoined my husband in the waiting room.
20 minutes went by and the same nurse came out and said "Nichole can you come here for a moment...I need to ask you something." I walked down the hallway with her then she asked me the question that sent fear and devastation down my spine. "When you took your home pregnancy tests...how long did you let them sit?" I replied. "I didn't, the first one came up within a few seconds, the second one took a little longer but it was a dollar store test, so I didn't think much of it." She said "well your test came back negative."
Of course at this point I started bawling. She tried to cover her tracks by saying "it might just be our tests...sometimes we get bad ones, I am doing another test right now, please don't cry." She told me to go back to the waiting room and the dr. would be with me shortly.
So I go back and sit in the waiting room with all of the "obviously" pregnant women and just wrapped my hands around my belly and started praying. 10 minutes later the same nurse called me back again, took my weight and escorted me to an exam room. She said that "Jocelyn said it was a faint positive, so I need to get some history from you." (Jocelyn is my dr. and don't you think the nurse was SO convincing?)
So after she took my history and left the room, the tears started flowing again, then Jocelyn came into the room saying "Congratulations!" Then she caught a look at my face and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her (between sobs) that the nurse had told me that the test was negative and i was totally freaking out. She said that it was a faint positive, but it was positive and told me not to worry. At this point I was crying so hard I swear the stupid paper gown they had me wearing was dissolving.
She did the pelvic exam and determined that my cervix was closed and that the spotting I was experiencing was old blood and said that she was not concerned about it at all. She said that she was going to send me to the lab to have a Beta drawn, and to check my progesterone and thyroid. She again said "Congratulations" (this word now makes me cringe because I have no idea WTF is going on with my BABY!)
So here is where I am at. I should get the results of my first Beta today (and my progesterone) then I go back to the lab on Friday to have another Beta drawn and the numbers from the Beta on Friday should be double the number of yesterdays Beta. As long as the numbers double...everything is fine and I can relax and try to enjoy being pregnant again, however if they don't double. It's over. I am miscarrying.
I am trying to hard to have FAITH. Surely God would not bring me up to this point and then take the baby away from me right? I mean I have very strong Women of God around me who have told me that God has revealed to them that I would have a baby in my arms by May of next year. Well...correct me if I am wrong, but that means that I would have to be pg now and be able to carry this baby that I am currently carrying... to term. So surely God isn't going to allow these revelations to be false right? I am really reaching out here to you women of Faith...I really need some encouragement right now. I need every prayer you can muster up right now.
I will update my post with the Beta and Progesterone results when I have them.
God Please Don't Take My Baby Away!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Tag! Yeah! I love being tagged!
Thank you for the recent tags...I wasn't really on the Internet this weekend, so I am going to answer a few tags first before I get to the nitty gritty:
Hope2Morrow Tagged me on this one:
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? Honey
3. Your hair? blondish
4. Your mother? compassionate
5. Your father? unrealistic
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? unsure
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? pregnancy
10. The room you're in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? miscarriage
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? retired
14. What you're not? bored
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. One of your wish list items? truck
17. Where you grew up? Kansas
18. The last thing you did? ate
19. What are you wearing? capris
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pet? dogs
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? Yeah
25. Your car? white
26. Something you are not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? friends
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today
River's Bend tagged me for this sort of random activity...here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about myself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.Here are 6 random things about myself:
1. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. At one point we had 22 cats living on our farm. This is no joke. Seriously...we were feeding all 22 of them. Thankfully they were all outdoor cats.
2. I can roller blade but I cannot roller skate. I tried to roller skate a couple of years ago with my niece and as soon as I stood up on them...I was on my butt (very embarrassed and in a lot of pain) However, strap me into some roller blades and away I go. (well I don't know so much anymore...but I USED to be REALLY good!)
3. I fell asleep at the wheel one night when I was on my way home during High School. It wasn't even that late, It was only like 8:30 pm. I never felt tired, I just remember waking up to grass whizzing by me as I was driving in the ditch. I over corrected, ended up on the other side of the highway and then over corrected again to the right side of the highway and ended up in the ditch. No damage to my car, and the only damaged I suffered was the fear of driving. My mom came to the accident sight as they towed my car out of the deep ravine I (we) landed in and she made me drive home!!!
4. I didn't learn how to swim under water until I was 20 years old. When I moved to AZ, my niece and nephew were in swim lessons and I would take them to their lesson and then take them to the pool afterwards. Well...I finally asked them (they were 7 and 8 at the time) if they would teach me what they were learning in swim lessons...and they did!!! So know I can successfully swim under water thanks to my loving niece and nephew!
5. I am horrible about putting my shoes away. I leave them all over the house. I leave them in the living room, in the entry, in the hallway, in the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the kitchen I leave them everywhere. I don't know why, I just kick my shoes off wherever I want and then I get too lazy to pick them up I guess. My husband HATES this about me. Out of all of my quirks...this is the one that bugs him the most...I just can't break it.
6. I'm PREGNANT!!! OMG...I tested on Saturday evening because AF hadn't shown and we were getting ready to go to a party. I wanted to be safe in case I decided to have a few drinks...so I tested and it was POSITIVE!!! I am so over the moon, it feels so surreal and I am still in total shock! Thank you all so much for all of your support and your love that has helped me get to this point. I am forever grateful to you! My first dr. appt. is on Monday so I will have more info (hopefully all good) then!
I am tagging: Bec @ Crazy Lady Ramblings, I believe in Miracles, Mama Wanna Be , The Weber Family, The Life of a Miracle Baby, and Serenity Now!
Hope2Morrow Tagged me on this one:
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? Honey
3. Your hair? blondish
4. Your mother? compassionate
5. Your father? unrealistic
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? unsure
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? pregnancy
10. The room you're in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? miscarriage
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? retired
14. What you're not? bored
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. One of your wish list items? truck
17. Where you grew up? Kansas
18. The last thing you did? ate
19. What are you wearing? capris
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pet? dogs
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? Yeah
25. Your car? white
26. Something you are not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? friends
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today
River's Bend tagged me for this sort of random activity...here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about myself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.Here are 6 random things about myself:
1. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. At one point we had 22 cats living on our farm. This is no joke. Seriously...we were feeding all 22 of them. Thankfully they were all outdoor cats.
2. I can roller blade but I cannot roller skate. I tried to roller skate a couple of years ago with my niece and as soon as I stood up on them...I was on my butt (very embarrassed and in a lot of pain) However, strap me into some roller blades and away I go. (well I don't know so much anymore...but I USED to be REALLY good!)
3. I fell asleep at the wheel one night when I was on my way home during High School. It wasn't even that late, It was only like 8:30 pm. I never felt tired, I just remember waking up to grass whizzing by me as I was driving in the ditch. I over corrected, ended up on the other side of the highway and then over corrected again to the right side of the highway and ended up in the ditch. No damage to my car, and the only damaged I suffered was the fear of driving. My mom came to the accident sight as they towed my car out of the deep ravine I (we) landed in and she made me drive home!!!
4. I didn't learn how to swim under water until I was 20 years old. When I moved to AZ, my niece and nephew were in swim lessons and I would take them to their lesson and then take them to the pool afterwards. Well...I finally asked them (they were 7 and 8 at the time) if they would teach me what they were learning in swim lessons...and they did!!! So know I can successfully swim under water thanks to my loving niece and nephew!
5. I am horrible about putting my shoes away. I leave them all over the house. I leave them in the living room, in the entry, in the hallway, in the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the kitchen I leave them everywhere. I don't know why, I just kick my shoes off wherever I want and then I get too lazy to pick them up I guess. My husband HATES this about me. Out of all of my quirks...this is the one that bugs him the most...I just can't break it.
6. I'm PREGNANT!!! OMG...I tested on Saturday evening because AF hadn't shown and we were getting ready to go to a party. I wanted to be safe in case I decided to have a few drinks...so I tested and it was POSITIVE!!! I am so over the moon, it feels so surreal and I am still in total shock! Thank you all so much for all of your support and your love that has helped me get to this point. I am forever grateful to you! My first dr. appt. is on Monday so I will have more info (hopefully all good) then!
I am tagging: Bec @ Crazy Lady Ramblings, I believe in Miracles, Mama Wanna Be , The Weber Family, The Life of a Miracle Baby, and Serenity Now!
Friday, August 08, 2008
Rain, Cars and Football
It rained last night. And it was beautiful. I love the monsoon storms in Arizona, it doesn't rain often here, but when it does...look out! The storms come in quickly, full of power, full of lightning, it dumps the rain and then it is just calm and quiet.
I am kind of in a funk the last couple of days. Pace has been working a lot of hours the last couple of weeks. As in...working the day shift AND the night shift! So I kind of feel a little isolated from him right now. I am sure the stress of waiting for AF has something to do with it as well. I have been pretty proud of myself for not testing yet. I am a POASaholic...so this is taking much restraint and determination for me, but I DON'T want to go into work after another BFN. If AF hasn't shown up by Sunday morning, I will probably test.
I am not all that hopeful for this cycle with the screwy OPT and the lack of any symptoms whatsoever...but who knows. It is in God's hands and nothing I do about it at this point will do any good. I just need to have faith that He knows my plan.
I have decided to sell my car and get a truck. We need something that will haul all of our camping stuff and the quads up north when we want to go camping or riding and I am ready for a change. It is kind of bitter sweet though. As I was washing off my car so I could take pictures I started reminiscing about buying this car. It was seven years ago, I was single and buying my first car and I had two priorities. Two things that were a must when purchasing a car.
1. a CD player
2. backseat that would comfortably accommodate a car seat.
Yep...that's right. I wasn't dating anyone, I wasn't trying to conceive but my priorities were to be prepared to have children. It makes me sad to know that one of the main intentions was to put a baby in the car and that never happened (at least not my baby) only my mother in laws baby.
So...it is a little bitter sweet for me to get rid of my car. My first big purchase. My first big independent move as an adult. My first car.
I am so glad today is Friday! Work has been such a depressing place lately. Almost everyone I work with is a non-believer (or at least not active believers) and it makes me sad. When I come to work it is full of tension, full of anger and resentment. I remember when coming to work was the highlight of my day. It used to be fun, uplifting and pleasant. I used to feel good when I left, not stressed, drained and ultimately beat up. I can be so filled with the Holy Spirit on Sunday and by midday on Monday...I am zapped. Just drained. I need to find ways to fill myself during the week so I don't feel so defeated by the end of the week.
On a high note: FOOTBALL PRE-SEASON HAS STARTED!!! I am SO happy football season is here. It is my favorite sport and I was so excited to see football on my TV last night!!!
This weekend should be ok. We are going to a going away party for Pace's best friend on Saturday evening. He is getting ready to move to another state. Other than that, not really any other plans for the weekend except...HOPEFULLY getting a BFP on Sunday!
I am kind of in a funk the last couple of days. Pace has been working a lot of hours the last couple of weeks. As in...working the day shift AND the night shift! So I kind of feel a little isolated from him right now. I am sure the stress of waiting for AF has something to do with it as well. I have been pretty proud of myself for not testing yet. I am a POASaholic...so this is taking much restraint and determination for me, but I DON'T want to go into work after another BFN. If AF hasn't shown up by Sunday morning, I will probably test.
I am not all that hopeful for this cycle with the screwy OPT and the lack of any symptoms whatsoever...but who knows. It is in God's hands and nothing I do about it at this point will do any good. I just need to have faith that He knows my plan.
I have decided to sell my car and get a truck. We need something that will haul all of our camping stuff and the quads up north when we want to go camping or riding and I am ready for a change. It is kind of bitter sweet though. As I was washing off my car so I could take pictures I started reminiscing about buying this car. It was seven years ago, I was single and buying my first car and I had two priorities. Two things that were a must when purchasing a car.
1. a CD player
2. backseat that would comfortably accommodate a car seat.
Yep...that's right. I wasn't dating anyone, I wasn't trying to conceive but my priorities were to be prepared to have children. It makes me sad to know that one of the main intentions was to put a baby in the car and that never happened (at least not my baby) only my mother in laws baby.
So...it is a little bitter sweet for me to get rid of my car. My first big purchase. My first big independent move as an adult. My first car.
I am so glad today is Friday! Work has been such a depressing place lately. Almost everyone I work with is a non-believer (or at least not active believers) and it makes me sad. When I come to work it is full of tension, full of anger and resentment. I remember when coming to work was the highlight of my day. It used to be fun, uplifting and pleasant. I used to feel good when I left, not stressed, drained and ultimately beat up. I can be so filled with the Holy Spirit on Sunday and by midday on Monday...I am zapped. Just drained. I need to find ways to fill myself during the week so I don't feel so defeated by the end of the week.
On a high note: FOOTBALL PRE-SEASON HAS STARTED!!! I am SO happy football season is here. It is my favorite sport and I was so excited to see football on my TV last night!!!
This weekend should be ok. We are going to a going away party for Pace's best friend on Saturday evening. He is getting ready to move to another state. Other than that, not really any other plans for the weekend except...HOPEFULLY getting a BFP on Sunday!
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The summer is coming to a close
As I drove to work this morning...I saw school buses. Which means that summer is ending. It makes me a little happy because that means that the weather will cool down again (well, at least it will cool down in a couple of months) but it makes me a little sad too because it is another season change with no pregnancy...no baby.
I am trying to remain faithful and it has been very helpful for me recently because I found some fellow Infertile Christian bloggers. They have been a HUGE blessing for me and a major inspiration.
On Friday evening we had our "House of the Refining Fire" gathering. It was AWESOME!!! The Pastor from Africa was incredible. She was so passionate, so alive with the Lord and just saturated in the Holy Spirit! She prayed over me for my infertility and she said that God told her that by this time next year I would be holding a baby. So...if my math is correct, that means I should be pregnant in the next couple of months.
I am really trying to be faithful and just KNOW that it is TRUE and it will happen, but after 3 and a half years of waiting, I am not nearly as optimistic as I should be. So I pray in the morning that God will help me believe, that he will keep me encouraged and my heart light. I know that it is all in His timing...I just wish I knew His timing!
On Saturday I test drove a truck. My little Pon.tiac is finally about to kick the bucket and we need something big enough to haul our trailer with the quads on it. So...I test drove a Toy.ota Tu.ndra. I LOVED IT!!! It drove so easy and parked even easier! So now we are just trying to figure out how much (or how little) I can get for my little car and then go for it. Pace's truck will officially be paid off in a couple of days, so we can just swap his payment for a new one. Grrr I really wish we had the money to pay cash! (of course if we did have that kind of cash...we would probably hang on to it for IF treatments)
Cycle update: Still have no idea where I am in my cycle, however IF I ovulated this month, I would be 13DPO today. I am still trying to stick to the don't test, just wait for AF method this cycle. In order to get the most accurate test, you should use first morning urine and I can't handle testing before work, getting a BFN and then going to work again. Last month that really backfired on me, so I am going to try and avoid that this month. I woke up this morning and my bb's weren't nearly as sore, so I am not sure that is a good sign...but only God knows what he is doing with my body!
So...Seasons come and Seasons go. I sincerely hope that the Lord is bringing my Season of Infertility to a close.
I am trying to remain faithful and it has been very helpful for me recently because I found some fellow Infertile Christian bloggers. They have been a HUGE blessing for me and a major inspiration.
On Friday evening we had our "House of the Refining Fire" gathering. It was AWESOME!!! The Pastor from Africa was incredible. She was so passionate, so alive with the Lord and just saturated in the Holy Spirit! She prayed over me for my infertility and she said that God told her that by this time next year I would be holding a baby. So...if my math is correct, that means I should be pregnant in the next couple of months.
I am really trying to be faithful and just KNOW that it is TRUE and it will happen, but after 3 and a half years of waiting, I am not nearly as optimistic as I should be. So I pray in the morning that God will help me believe, that he will keep me encouraged and my heart light. I know that it is all in His timing...I just wish I knew His timing!
On Saturday I test drove a truck. My little Pon.tiac is finally about to kick the bucket and we need something big enough to haul our trailer with the quads on it. So...I test drove a Toy.ota Tu.ndra. I LOVED IT!!! It drove so easy and parked even easier! So now we are just trying to figure out how much (or how little) I can get for my little car and then go for it. Pace's truck will officially be paid off in a couple of days, so we can just swap his payment for a new one. Grrr I really wish we had the money to pay cash! (of course if we did have that kind of cash...we would probably hang on to it for IF treatments)
Cycle update: Still have no idea where I am in my cycle, however IF I ovulated this month, I would be 13DPO today. I am still trying to stick to the don't test, just wait for AF method this cycle. In order to get the most accurate test, you should use first morning urine and I can't handle testing before work, getting a BFN and then going to work again. Last month that really backfired on me, so I am going to try and avoid that this month. I woke up this morning and my bb's weren't nearly as sore, so I am not sure that is a good sign...but only God knows what he is doing with my body!
So...Seasons come and Seasons go. I sincerely hope that the Lord is bringing my Season of Infertility to a close.
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