I need an "OFF" button for my brain

Our Thanksgiving was great! It was so nice to get away and the scenery in Idaho was breathtaking! There wasn't very much snow, but that is ok, I am still hoping for a white Christmas in Kansas.

We went up to a natural hot spring which was AWESOME! The water was the perfect temperature and it was exhilarating to be outside in the elements when it is 40 degrees outside and strip down to my bathing suit and jump in. Brrrrrr!

Pace spent a lot of his time splitting wood with his dad. Their main source of heat in the house is a wood burning stove, so splitting wood is a very important chore! We befriended a little squirrel that lives in my FIL's backyard. Pace named him Merl - I love him - isn't that adorable!

We took walks back into the woods, ate organic food, plucked feathers out of the turkey and had a deer walk through the backyard literally 10 feet away from us. It was so relaxing and was just a wonderful trip.

However, I wasn't really feeling very well. I was extremely tired the entire trip and man were my bb's sore!!! I just kind of felt like I was in a funk. So of course, I immediately thought exactly what you all are probably thinking now. That I was pregnant. I really tried not to get my hopes up because I didn't want to be devastated (again) but I couldn't help it. The way I was feeling was so convincing. I started imagining in my mind how we would wait to announce our pregnancy until Christmas, and how awesome it would be to announce it then. I could wrap something up in a little gift to my parents and when they opened it in front of everyone...SURPRISE!!!! It would make seeing my two pregnant sisters at Christmas much more manageable and everything was just falling into place. I calculated my estimated due date and started rethinking names.

So I held off testing until Friday and...


WHITE! All white. I just don't understand. I was devastated and spent most of the day Friday speechless. I just wanted to lie in bed all day and not see or talk to anyone. It is just so unfair and to be honest, I am tired. I am almost ready to just give up trying to conceive and start pursuing adoption.

I just want a child. I want to see the magic of Christmas in our child's eye, I want to watch Pace putting together all the new toys on Christmas day and then having to console our child because daddy is playing with all the toys and s/he hasn't had a chance to. LOL

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am just so darn frustrated I could scream.

AF came yesterday, so if I have a repeat cycle this month and ovulate around day 11 again, that would put my test date VERY close to Christmas Eve. I am terrified because I know that as the time gets closer, I will talk myself into the fact that this will be our month, I will take the test on Christmas morning and we will get our little Christmas miracle. It will be the best Christmas ever and God has picked this special time of year to reveal our miracle...and then the test will be NEGATIVE and I will be devastated and miserable for Christmas.

I just wish I could turn off my brain. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this infertility crap.

I'm off...

I am leaving tonight for Idaho, and won't be back until Thanksgiving day. I don't know if I will have the opportunity to be on the computer while we are gone, so I wanted to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I know that dealing with IF makes it very hard to be thankful for things, but I suggest making a list. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for - I know that it sure is helping me get through this week!

I am thankful for:
My blogger and other internet friends who support me and my struggle with infertility from all parts of the world. I am so thankful that I have people that I can pour out my struggles to and not be shamed, or given crappy assvice! LOL

My husband. IF has made some areas of our marriage VERY strained, but he has never given up on me. When I am crazy on fertility meds, or when I am thinking of my miscarriage and I can't stop crying, he never leaves my side. I love that man and someday he is going to make some child(ren) very lucky by being the best dad!

My friends IRL. I have had some really crappy friends in the past, but this last year has opened doors for me to meet some of the most amazing men and women. I am so grateful that I can call these people friends!

Job security - In this very scary economy I am SO thankful that we both have job security...at least for now.

My family - They really have been wonderful. They try to understand my infertility as much as they can, for the most part, they just listen. Which is sometimes all I want/need.

My increasing health - This year my periods have returned on their own, I started ovulating on my own AND I am well on my way to my very first EVER 27 day cycle. - Incredible!

My Faith - This, above all has allowed me to continue this journey. I am so thankful that I serve a Lord that is forgiving, a Lord that never looks at my past to determine my future and a Lord that loves me where I am.

God Bless each and every one of you. May you all have safe travels and a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Pictures...as promised.

OK - a week ago I promised that I would post some pics - so here they are. BTW - the profile picture was taken of Pace and I just hours after we found out we were pregnant with our angel baby.

This is the sign I painted for our friend "J" who was on leave from Iraq

Pic of Pace and I camping

Pace and I with our riding gear - Riding in the mountains of Arizona!

That is all for know. Still in the 2WW. Trying VERY hard to not test early!

Bucket List

My blogger friend Nikki tagged me today. I haven't seen the movie Bucket List, however I understand the theme and that is going to be the theme of this post.

10 things I want to do before I die:

1. Be a mom to an earth baby...a human one. I think that goes without saying.

2. Take my husband to Switzerland. I visited this beautiful country when I was in high school, and I want to badly to share the beauty and history with the love of my life.

3. Renew my vows in the Christian church. When we got married, we hadn't found a church yet. Although we had a "Christian" ceremony, we were not married in a church, and someday I would love to walk down the "aisle" in a real church with my husband standing in front.

4. Go on a cruise. We never really went on a honeymoon, and I would love to go on a cruise with my hubby and pretend like it is our honeymoon all over again.

5. Write a book. I love to write. It is therapeutic and that is the whole reason I started a blog. I would love to write a book about my life sometime, the ups, the downs, the infertility all of it.

6. Not worry about finances. I don't want to be "rich" I don't want to have so much money that I blow it on silly insignificant things. I just want to be comfortable. I want to know that if I want to donate $100, I can. That if I have a miscarriage and haven't met my insurance deductible yet, that I can pay it off in one lump sum and not have it put a dent in my account. I just want to be comfortable. I don't want to have to worry about having enough money to cover our living expenses.

7. I want to be a spokesperson for infertiles. I want to travel and educate people especially insurance companies and state legislatures. I want to be a part of mandated infertility treatment coverage for everyone, in every state.

8. I want to be happy with my appearance. Thanks to my PCOS, I have gained a substantial amount of weight since meeting my husband. I managed to lose 35 pounds last year, and so far have managed to keep 30 of it off. However, I am still very critical of how I look. I am not sure who I am trying to impress, or what I am trying to prove. I just want to look in the mirror and think "Dang...I look hot today!" "you go girl"

9. Travel the world. There are so many things out there to see, to experience, to learn about. I want to take a year and just travel the world. Hopping from country to country and learn as much as I can about this beautiful planet I live on.

10. Buy my family farm. I have absolutely no intentions of ever living on my family farm, but I want to have enough money to purchase it when the day comes that my parents get to go be with Jesus. I don't want it to turn into a dilapidated farm, or to have it go to someone else that doesn't appreciate it. My grandfather built that house and it needs to stay in the family.

So...there is my bucket list. I am not going to tag anyone in particular, but this really is a neat thing to do...so if you feel so inclined...be my guest!

Infertile Mas.ochist

That's right folks...as I was warming up my lunch here at work...I was struck by something and just had to let you all in on it.

Infertility is turning me into a mas.ochist!

As I was in the kitchen warming up my lunch, I caught myself thinking "hey...my bb's are still pretty sore today" Then I thought..."Dang, I wish they were more sore"

Seriously...During the 2ww I spend a great portion of my day wishing for the following:

Implantation cramping
Sore nipples
Headaches
Cramping
Nausea
Bleeding Gums
and the list goes on.

As I look at this list I think "SERIOUSLY???????" It is frightening how utterly miserable I want to feel in order to be over the moon happy.

It's sick - it really is. I can not believe that I have succumbed to this and that I am actually happy when I feel crappy during the 2ww.

It is just a little humorous and a little more disturbing isn't it...but...the best part of it is...
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If you are fertility challenged and are reading this blog - you feel the same way!

HA!!!!

So all those thoughts of how crazy I sound when you were first reading the blog...apply to you as well.

LOL

Hey...misery loves company right?!

But out of all seriousness...it really is a little disturbing!

4DPO

I had a great weekend. It was exhausting and I have a cold now, but overall it was a great weekend. We spent the weekend with good friends. We went to a zoo on Saturday and then yesterday we all went shooting. It was fun - I like shooting guns. Especially when I can hit the one target that NONE of the guys could hit. Haha!!!

It was a little bittersweet because now my friends "T&J" are gone - J is going back to the war and I don't know when I will ever see them again. "T" is moving to Hawaii in Jan in order to get on the list for housing there so that when J gets back from the war he will have a home to come home to. I am going to miss them so much!!!

Having a cold has really drained me and I have been doing more sleeping lately than I should..but I don't mind. I LOVE to sleep!

Pace talked to his father and it looks like we may get a Thanksgiving dinner now. I guess plans have changed and we may be having Thanksgiving dinner on Wed. night instead. That would be awesome!

Today I am 4DPO - nothing too exciting going on. My bb's are a little sore today, but I am not reading into it. I am just going to keep on living like nothing is going on. I am not going to quit drinking coffee, I am not going to deny myself of anything during this 2ww. Call me selfish, call me ignorant, whatever, but after almost 4 years of being careful and getting nothing in return - I am going to be a rebel and see where that gets me.

Update for the day

Just tested...Houston we have ovulation. This is absolutely crazy. I have NEVER ovulated this early.
In June I ovualated on CD22
In July I ovulated on CD18
In August I was pg - so no ovulation
In September I was too depressed to monitor ovulation
In October I did not detect ovulation

November...I am ovulating on Day11!!! I am well on my way to a 27 day cycle. I HAVE NEVER HAD A 27 DAY CYCLE. (Well except when I was taking Provera to bring on AF) Holy crap! I am just over the moon. My body is doing something right!

So...that means I will be testing on Thanksgiving. Woopie. At least we will be traveling on Thanksgiving and not around family and such. I hope I have a lot more to be thankful for this year!!!

I like to procrastinate

I know I haven't written in a while. I hate it when I go this long without writing. There were so many things I wanted to write about, but I wanted to attach photos as well...and I just haven 't downloaded my camera darn it. So... I am updating. I am writing with no pictures to add, but at least I am writing.

Warning...this will be a long post LOL.

Pace and I had a garage sale Saturday morning. It was fun - we got to hang out with some of our neighbors and we made a little money off of our junk. We didn't have a lot to sell, but we sold a lot of our stuff. While Pace was slanging our junk, I painted a Welcome Back sign for our friend "J" who is back from Iraq. (This is where a picture would REALLY come in handy) I will try and get those posted cause I am really proud of the sign.

Then Saturday night we had a little party for our friend "J". We had so much fun. We had friends over that we had not seen in a really long time. Overall it was a very successful night. We had drinks, snacky foods and lots of conversation. I think a fun time was had by all.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my friend "B" that I lost in our early stages of IF. It was heartbreaking because not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lost all of the friends I had met through her as well as her family. Well...we went to dinner about a month and a half ago and have forgiven each other and moved on. I am SO happy she is back in my life. I have missed her and her husband so much. It is like things are just how they should be right now (of course except the baby thing).

So Sunday we all went off-roading together. A big group of us went out to the mountainous desert and made a day of it. We had 2 jeeps, 2 rhinos and 3 quads all out enjoying the beautiful scenery, the even more beautiful weather and the great companionship. I got to catch up with people that I haven't seen in 2 years and meet new people as well.
I am kind of a chicken when it comes to doing daredevil stuff. My husband would love to take me me off road more often, but I have this major anxiety issue (even more so since my miscarriage)
I get so nervous, I yell at him to
"slow down"
"take it easy"
"it's too bumpy"
"...Oh My Gosh! You hit a squirrel."

I can kind of get frantic, usually I end up in tears and my poor husband is frustrated beyond belief. Then I feel guilty for ruining the trip for him and feel the need to make it up to him later. This time...I did really good. There were a few times I started freaking, but thankfully I was able to calm myself and bring myself back into reality. It was so nice to be out there without any major panic attacks. I think that shows HUGE improvement!

On the baby front, no real news. Still waiting for ovulation. I am really enjoying not being on any hormonal drugs this month. It is amazing how much clearer I am thinking and how much more rational I am. I am really at peace with these next few months and I am just going to keep the faith that maybe this break is just what we need to get pregnant.

We hung our Memory Box. In the living room. During the party on Saturday, it was a great conversation piece. It brought a few tears, but it also brought some great comfort as well. I love looking at it when I am sitting in the living room. It has just really helped me gain closure so that I can move on without the fear of forgetting.

Pace and I decided to head to the snow for Thanksgiving. We are finally going to see his dad in Idaho. I am excited to see the snow, Pace says he is going to take me skiing, which TERRIFIES me! I have never done any sort of snow sport, I have never been on a ski lift and just thinking about it makes my hands go ice cold and my heart skip a beat. The crappy thing is that we will miss out on Thanksgiving dinner. We have to leave on Thanksgiving day, so we will be traveling while they are having dinner, so I think Pace and I will have a dinner of our own at our house on Friday with Pace's mom and little sister.

Pace and I are working on a little (ok...kind of a big) backyard project right now. We are building a built in fire pit. We did the pavers last summer - bad idea. Yard work when it is 110 degrees outside is NOT a good idea, but we did it. So a few weeks ago we did the concrete work for the foundation for the seating. Then we went and bought the block to build the seat and also the veneer stone we will use to cover the seating. All of this is lying in our backyard in true construction site style. It is kind of a mess right now, but I know it is going to look amazing when it is done.

I went to the Women's Crisis Pregnancy Center that I guess I am still a director at yesterday. After my miscarriage, I just couldn't return there. I went there to drop off some paperwork and it really was wonderful seeing my fellow volunteers. My stomach was tied in knots as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, but thankfully there were no pregnant clients there and I immediately snuck back to the back office to visit with everyone so I didn't run the chance of seeing any clients. I miss the women there, I don't miss the clients, I don't miss the pain and heartache...but I miss the women I worked with there. They are some of the most amazing Christian women I have ever met. I am still unsure as to when/if I will ever return as a volunteer.

Pace and I are getting involved in our church. We have been members for a few years, but have only attended church once since our miscarriage. It is so hard and I just end up a crying, blubbering mess. So we decided to get involved in a different way...in a way we haven't been involved before. So we are going to a meeting tonight to see how we can help out with an upcoming car show. I figured this way we can meet some people, build up a network and hopefully that will make the transition to consistently going to church a little easier.

Whew.....so that is my update...wow sorry it is so long. I will post pics of the sign, our backyard project and maybe a few from our party when I finally get the camera downloaded!

Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading all of your posts and am praying for each and every one of you!

Humbled

I am totally taken back and humbled by all of the support from you...my blog readers...most of you are strangers to me in real life, but know me better than most of my in real life friends. Thank you for encouraging me to "be me" and to post honestly about where I am in the moment. You are some of the most amazing people I have ever had the opportunity to "meet" and I thank you.

AF arrived. I am SO thankful that this cycle is over. I am looking forward to the next two cycles. We are going au natural this time and I am really looking forward to seeing what my body does without drugs. I am not going to get my hopes up, I am going to look at this as more of an experiment than anything.



Halloween wasn't as hard this year as last year. We had Pace's little sister and he stayed home to hand out candy while I took her trick or treating. She was so much fun and looked absolutely adorable. We didn't have very many kids come, so we have TONS of candy left over (yeah) that has really come in handy with AF being in town.



My dear friend "J" is back in the states from Iraq. It was so awesome to see pics of him and his wife together again (finally) he is back in town for 2 weeks and then will go back to Iraq for 3 months. I wish he could just stay here. I hate him being over there and I know his wife does too. I can't wait to see him - we are going to throw him a little "WELCOME HOME" party on Saturday.



Pace and I made a memory box for our angel baby a few days ago. I cried like a baby putting it together. It just seemed so final. We haven't really decided where we are going to hang it, we thought about keeping it in our bedroom because I really think some people think I am loony for taking this whole miscarriage thing as far as I have. After all...miscarriages are common...why am I making such a big deal about it? My answer to that is...I waited and struggled for this child for 3 and a half years. Our angel baby may be the closest we will ever get to a biological child and s/he WAS a child. OUR child. I don't want anyone to forget. I don't want to forget. Our baby deserves to have a place on our wall since s/he will never have a place in the nursery.



My friend Jess (who has 3 angel babies herself) suggests that we hang it in our living room. Hang it proudly and always know that our little baby is right there with us. I think I agree with her. The whole point of doing the memory box is so that we will remember...so...here it is...it isn't hung up yet, but will be soon.

The thing on the left is the poem that I wrote 3 days after my miscarriage. My two positive pregnancy tests are in there, there is a calendar saying from my desk calendar for August 9th, 2008 - the day I found out I was pregnant. The pacifier is part of the "congratulations" package we received from OBGYN, the footprints at the bottom is part of the program from the "Walk to Remember" we participated in a few weeks ago. The cross I bought and painted and the roses are from the flowers we received from Jess and her husband when we found out we were pregnant. I love this box. Every time I see it, I smile. (and then usually cry) but I am sure that will pass....someday.