2009 In Review

January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.

February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.

March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.

April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.

May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.

June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.

July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!

August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.

September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.

October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.

November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.

December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!

*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.

2009... you will NOT be missed!**UPDATED**

What a very Merry Christmas! I haven't really had time to blog recently, so I apologize for my absence. I had a wonderful Christmas with Pace, E and my MIL. Pace and I went to church on Wednesday night (thought there would be less of a crowd, and less babies)...it was AWESOME! One of the most moving and memorable Christmas services I have ever attended. It was so good Pace went again on Christmas eve with his mom.

My MIL and E spent the night with us Christmas eve, we set out cookies and egg nog for Santa, and read all about the birth of Jesus before bed. It was great knowing that E is now old enough to know the real reason for the season! Friday morning we woke up and watched E tear through all of the goodies that Santa left her. Then we made the traditional family breakfast and exchanged gifts. It really was a wonderful day with great friends, family and awesome food!

I have a little bit of news to share and I am VERY cautiously optimistic...

I work with this woman who has a grandson that is my age. His gf is currently pregnant with #2 and they are considering adoption. The economy has really taken a toll on them and they are finding it difficult to make ends meet. How selfless to consider this option, I really just can't get over how much I admire a birthparent's sacrific of giving their child a better chance. My co-worker mailed her grandson a letter telling him all about Pace and I and included our Christmas letter we sent out which does indicate that we are looking to adopt in 2010. My co-worker called me on Christmas Eve to tell me that she had sent them the letter and would call as soon as she heard something from them...she called this morning. She said she didn't want to discuss anything while I was at work and to call her when I was on my way home. Eeeeek

I called my sisters and my mom on Christmas Eve and asked for them to be praying for this couple. Even if they decide not to allow us to adopt their baby, they need prayers. They are struggling right now and facing difficult times. So to all of you that are of the praying type. I ask that you pray for them as well. Pray that the Lord may lead them in the right direction, that He may carry their struggles and their burdens and that they may know Him!

Pace and I are off to the sand dunes again this year for New Years. I am super excited. My co-worker (same one listed above) let us borrow their tent trailer, so it will be nice to have our own place to stay. We won't have to share, it will just be our little home. It's going to be awesome to have some alone time with Pace. Please pray for a SAFE TRIP!!!

I will try to get on and update as soon as I talk to my co-worker. What a wonderful way to start out 2010 THAT would be!!!!

**UPDATE** My co-worker spoke to her grandson and they already went through an adoption agency and have matched with a couple. She is due in a month or so and the adoptive couple they chose have been really great to them. I am really happy for the adoptive couple that will have their dreams come true very soon! Although this situation didn't work out, it did at least instill a little bit of hope again in my heart - a feeling I haven't had for a while. Thank you for all of the well-wishes.

Emily - Know that I am ALWAYS praying for you guys! I love you!

Christmas is A' comin

Christmas is up on us and it has not been without any drama! The last couple of weeks have been the most stressful -not TTC related- weeks that I have had in a long time.

I was all geared up for Christmas when it was Thanksgiving, but as the stress increased and the time till Christmas decreased, I found myself more of a scrooge than an elf. In an attempt to counteract that...I have prepared myself for the Great 2009 Bake-Off. Every year Pace and I spend a day in the kitchen baking up a whirlwind of cookies and treats, packing them up and delivering them to friends and family. Tomorrow shall be that day for me.

This year we get to provide "Santa" for Pace's little sister, E. Santa is going to bring her a bike with training wheels this year and probably a baby doll as well. I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees what Santa has brought her.

I am feeling very homesick this Christmas. We get together with my family every other year for Christmas and this year happens to be the "off" year. This is the year to spend with the in-laws. Pace and I will be hosting dinner for my MIL and our friends K (the one that I wrote about here) and her husband.

I really miss my family though. With everything going on, I would just love to be at home in the safety of the rustic old farmhouse I grew up in and just relax. I would love to go out and wander the fields that I grew up in for hours without every crossing the same path twice. It is so quiet there, so little drama, such an easier way of life....

I'll be home for Christmas...if only in my dreams!!!

Merry Freakin Christmas

So - would you all like to know what I got for Christmas from my company?

A 20% pay cut effective next week and a 2 week furlough in which they want me to drive 25 miles one way to work and back everyday for half the pay...nice...

I would have preferred a turkey or ham...

Ladies...you never fail me

Anytime I need to be lifted up...you all are there and I can't tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of your comments!

I took a little time for myself last night and that really helped. My dear friend "K" is probably one of the funniest people I know. We have only been friends for a little less than a year, but we feel like we have known each other for years. The best part about her, she makes me laugh. No matter how crappy I may be feeling, she always makes me laugh. She lifts me up and shows me that the least I can do for myself is enjoy a good laugh when life is pooping on me.

So last night we went to a paddle auction for Prin.cess House. It was a lot of fun. K and I were the youngest there, but we both won some stuff and laughed until we cried. One thing you have to know about K is that she and her husband have no children. They have not tried to have kids and don't plan on trying in the near future. She has had some issues and isn't even sure if she will be able to have kids a this point. So they have one dog and two horses that are their "children".

So, at the auction the funniest/most awkward/most exhilarating moment came when they started handing out random tickets. So the lady would say, if you are wearing red...you get 2 tickets, if you have a dog...you get 3 tickets and so on. Then...the inevitable came: If you have sons...give yourself one ticket for each - this is where it got interesting - here is how the dialogue went

Lady: If you have sons, give yourself 1 ticket for each
K: What about male pets?
Lady: Sorry, no pets...we will do pets later
K: Well what about those of us that can't have kids
Lady: *silence*
K: My pets are my children, I think they should count
Lady: sorry, we will do pets later

Lady: Ok, I love my son, but daughters are sweeter, so give yourself 3 tickets for each daughter you have (all the fertiles in the room squeal with delight and are overjoyed at their overabundance of children)
K: Do you have tickets for infertiles?
Lady: *silence* awkward look in our direction
K: What about those who can't have children?
Lady: *silence* even more awkward looks
(meanwhile I am almost peeing my pants because K is totally making this woman and other women in the room totally uncomfortable and I am LOVING THIS!)
K: I think those of us without children should get 10 tickets
Lady: *silence* Okay moving on...our next item.....

I almost had to be excused. I can't explain why I got such pleasure in the public exposure of my infertility, I guess it was very freeing to have someone just lay it out there instead of playing into the taboo of "we can't talk about it, it's uncomfortable" It helped me get through the uncomfortableness of not having kids, and I got a good laugh about it.

Then I get home and hopped on Face.book (of course to farm my Farm.ville farm because that is my reprieve) and I had a message from a woman I met at the infertility support group meeting and have kept in contact with her since. She sent me a message to let me know that she had some leftover meds and she wanted to donate them to me so if we decide to proceed with treatment next year, I will already have the meds. YAY!!!!! I love free meds!

I have had no bites on the job market, but I am going to really hit it hard this weekend and send out as many resumes as I can. There still has been no "official" announcement from the owners of my company, so I have no freaking clue what is really going on.

Lord, I know you have a plan for me, and I know you are testing me right now, not to make me stress, and worry but to teach me to have faith in you and to believe that you will take care of me because that is what you have promised. Lord, you are testing me in all of my weakest areas and I am trying so hard to "let go and let God" but it is very difficult for me. Please be patient with me and show me the way you want me to walk. I am lost Lord and I need your lighthouse to direct my way. Please allow me to see the lighthouse soon as I am tired Lord. So tired. Amen

A very low post

My blogger friends, I need to be lifted up today. I am struggling, I am stressed and I am hurting.

This time, only a small amount of that is related to IF. To break it all down in a very short but sweet way, I am losing my job. The company that I work for is going out of business. There is an 85% chance my company will not survive the next 3 months. I have worked for this company for 9 years. These people are my family, they are my friends. This job has meant financial security for us while Pace is building his career and that is all being stripped away from us.

Right when we were ready to jump back in the treatment or adoption wagon. So that is now put on hold which devastates me. I have always been a firm believer that you can't put stuff off because you never know what the future will bring. So now after an over 6 month break of TTC, we are ready to start trying again and now we have no money or financial security to do it.

I am sad, but really just kind of numb. I thought that winning the home study was a sign of what 2010 was going to bring. Now, I am not so sure. I am trying to not be all doom and gloom, I am looking for work, I am sending out my resume in hopes of finding something as good if not better. However, I am a realist and I know what the job market is here.

On top of all of that my mother in law has fallen on some very hard times right now and Pace is the only relation she has near her, so we are preparing ourselves for having to take some financial responsibility over her and her 4 year old daughter. (like them possibly having to move in with us) They have lived with us before and all I can say is it was very difficult.

All of these things have been very tough on our marriage, finances, TTC, family issues I just feel incredibly down right now. I try to be a good person, I try to be a good friend, daughter, wife and sister, so I don't understand why God continues to test me. Over and over and over again I feel like a crash test dummy that continues to be put in the car and slammed into a brick wall.

I just need a break. I want to run home to my mom and dad and have them tell me that everything is going to be ok. I want to stay with them for a while and just feel the comfort and security of being home.