Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Fine lines

We went to our adoption support group meeting last night. It was great seeing so many familiar faces. I knew everyone there except for one from the infertility support group meetings we go to, so it was like long lost friends going out to dinner!

The meeting did take the wind out of my sails a little bit...which i needed. I needed to hear the truths of adoption and get out of the little fantasy world in my head. Adoption is hard. It is hard for the birth parents, it is hard on the adoptive parents, and I am so grateful that I was able to hear both the good and the bad stories last night.

There are so many fine lines to walk when pursuing adoption. I want to walk very carefully and make certain that whichever birth parents choose us really want to follow through with the adoption. I don't want them to be influenced by their families, by me, or by anyone else. I want to know in the end if/when they relinquish their rights, that they feel that they made the best decision for themselves and for the baby. I do not want there to be an ounce of regret.

I heard a wide variety of stories last night, from birth parents asking for substantial financial assistance (above and beyond needs for the birth mom and baby) to birth moms changing their mind a week before they deliver, to the birth mom and adoptive mom becoming best friends throughout the pregnancy and process. Hearing all of these stories solidified for me how difficult of a decision this is for the birth parents and how easy it would be for the adoptive parents to get caught up in their desire to be parents that they unknowingly influence the birth parent's decision.

It would be so easy for adoptive parents to give into every request/need that the birth parents may have, whether it be financial, emotional or otherwise. It would be so tempting to just say yes, yes, yes but is that really in the best interest of all parties involved? I think we have ALL heard stories of adoptive parents that were taken advantage of by the birth parents who really had no intentions of placing their baby for adoption. Or on the other side, the adoptive parents that manipulated and coerced the birth parents into placing their child for adoption. These stories are scary and I want to walk that line. I don't want to be taken advantage of, and I don't want to influence the birth parent's decision either.

This is such a very fine line. And to be quite frank with you...I SUCK at walking fine lines.


Christa said...

I found your blog on the Lushary. I look forward to hearing about your adoption process. My husband and I started our first IVF but we've been talking seriously about adopting so it will be nice to see first-hand how it all goes. The process seems so overwhelming to me right now. Good luck!

Misty said...

what I like about our agency is that we aren't required to pay anything for the birthparents until we have been officially placed. That was something I was worried about, that I would pay $10,000 then she would change her mind then here I would be out 10 grand and still no baby. It's good to know that won't happen with my agency. Adoption is very hard!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog on Lushary. We have thought seriously about adoption too and I'm not sure what our future holds...we could be pursuing that down the line. I wanted to wish you LOTS of luck!!! LOTS!!!

Kristi said...

Good luck on your home visit I pray you pass with flying colors.

Hillary said...

I could relate to a lot of your post - these are a lot of the fears I have about adoption. You summed it up well: "Adoption is hard. It is hard for the birth parents, it is hard on the adoptive parents." I think that is one of the many reasons infertilty is so hard, is that the so-called 'easy solution" is also really, really hard. There are unique things to deal with that are different than having bio children (not that bio children are easy, but I guess those are the sorts of problems we expect. Not like the ones you mentioned in your post).

That said, I don't mean to be sound down on adoption. What a gift you would give to the child AND the birthparents, and what a joy it will be to be a mother...and God will walk you through the hard stuff.


Bec said...

Adoption is filled with so different pitfalls, but I guess there is a huge payoff in the end.

the misfit said...

Fine line is a brilliant way to put it. I've heard tell of those possibilities too, though from less direct sources. Here's something I've been wondering: how is it that the birth parents and adoptive parents have so much contact to begin with (before the baby is born)? It seems like without that, most of these problems couldn't happen at all.

Danielle said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Looking forward to following your adoption process! I can relate to your post....lots of questions and unknowns in the adoption process. Guess we are all taking leaps of faith! Good luck to you!