Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Relationships

I received a comment from my previous blog which I thought was worth exploring. The question was this:

Why is there so much contact between the birth parents and the potential adoptive parents prior to placement?

I feel that there is a lot of controversy over this subject. On one hand, it sets the PAP's (potential adoptive parents) up for heartbreak if they bond with the BP's (birth parents) and then they ultimately change their mind. On the other, it can give the PAP's an opportunity to experience some of the pregnancy and really get to know the BP's.

I am not sure what the proper answer is, however I can definitely see a benefit to having a close relationship with the BP's after all, you are going to be in each other's lives in some fashion for life, so having a good relationship is very important. In addition, it is so important to build trust between each other. Pre-placement the PAP's have to trust that the BP's are being truthful, legitimate and to not take advantage of them. Post placement the BP's have to trust the PAP's in that they will follow through with the "openness" that they agreed to pre-placement and that they are going to cherish and love the baby and provide it a secure, happy home. I can think of no better way to establish that trust than from the very beginning. The BP's need to feel secure that the PAP's are "the" family for their child and in order for them to be able to do that...they have to feel comfortable.

Of course this only applies to open adoptions, which is what ours will be. The level of openness will be determined after we are matched and after discussing comfort levels with the BP's.

That is my $.02 anyway...anyone else want to add?

Home study meeting is tomorrow, I am trying not to freak out and just take it in stride. I am excited to get the process going after tomorrow we will be one step closer to our new addition.


♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

Girl, please be sure and let me know how the home study is going :) miss you love you "YALL"

The Barreness said...

Here from LFCA.
Also Christian, also have adopted (well, in the process, hoping to finalize in the next few months on three precious and monsterous children aged 4, 5 and 6!)
Wanted to let you know that there is nothing to worry about during the homestudy. The social worker wants you to be able to be a parent. they are not there to find reasons why you can't be.. they are there to write a beautiful life story about you and your husband so that the best match can be made for your family.
Ours went great, and so have all my other friend's who have adopted. Be prepared to answer honestly and you'll do just fine. Enjoy the fact that you get to spend several hours talking about yourself and not having to worry if you've asked enough questions to the other person (if you're like me, secretly socially challenged).

Have fun and I can't wait to read the update!

Danielle said...

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck with the homestudy!! As far as relationships, you're right, it is a difficult line to walk at times. We had a failed match in September and we had A LOT of contact with that birth couple during the match time. I regret getting too close now because in hindsight, they were not being honest and sincere about things. It's a complicated story but we now have doubts that she was ever even pregnant. For next time, I know that we'll be more cautious and keep a comfortable distance until we get to know them better. It's the result of being burned one time!