Update on Little Miss Negative (pun intended)

I can't believe it has been almost three weeks since I have blogged. I don't have any good excuses, I just haven't felt like blogging.
Lucky for you all that still read this, I mainly feel like writing when I am in a crappy mood. So...you all get to see the lovely side of me all the time.

Everything just sucks right now. Work is so hard and busy right now cause we have new owners and it has just been a nightmare. I am constantly busy (also a reason for me not blogging as much), the new owners know NOTHING about the business and I am just tired of always having to carry such a heavy load at work.

Pace and I have decided to wait until next spring to start trying to conceive again. I am devastated. Logically, I know it makes the most sense, after all, we are buying a house in December or January and trying to conceive while trying to buy our first home may just put me over the edge. But at the same time, It just breaks my heart. I no longer belong to any group. I am not in the "trying to conceive" group, I am not in the "IVF" group, in the "2WW", in the "adoption" group....nothing. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I had a dream this morning that for some reason I decided to take a pregnancy test and IMMEDIATELY it came up POSITIVE! I peed on another test and yelled for Pace to come into the room. He looked at it and hugged me, we hugged and we cried and then immediately started calling our families. It was everything I had ever imagined, but will most likely never experience. Even if we do get pregnant, it will so be so planned, and I will know almost immediately with BETA tests and everything else. So when I woke up this morning, I had to try to rebound from the utter devastation while still half asleep. I am not sure what brought on the dream, I had been doing so well, I can't even remember the last time I had a "baby" dream. IT SUCKED!

One of my very dear friends and his son are moving away from us. He and I went to High School together and hadn't spoken in about 6 years when we found each other again on Myspace and realized he lived in only 20 minutes away from me! Talk about crazy! So for the last year and a half, we have really become close. His son calls Pace's little sister HIS little sister. It is so cute! They have just become a part of our family and now I am so sad that they are leaving. They are moving only like 5 or 6 hours away...but still. It is rare that I am ever 30 minutes away from home, let alone 5 or 6 hours!

My responsibilities at the women's center are really kicking my butt as well. I told the Exec. Director months ago, that I really wanted to cut back on my counseling hours because it is too hard for me to counsel women facing unplanned pregnancies, women who are wanting abortions etc., well...my counseling hours have NOT been cut back and have actually just increased because she has been ill. I know that my services there are much needed and that I have obligated myself to be there, but it is just becoming too much. I already work 50 hours a week at my job, then I am at the womens center every Tuesday evening counseling. I get phone calls every day either when I am at work or when I am at home, I get 5-10 emails every day and things are ALWAYS in a constant state of change there which makes training (which is what I am supposed to be in charge of) VERY difficult. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out there.

Pace and I have started going back to church thanks to my dear friend Grace and her husband. I am so glad to be back. I cry every Sunday, without fail, but for some reason, it helps. I am still angry with God, I don't know when I will get over that, but at least I am at a point where I can tell him that I am angry with him. I am at least communicating with him at this point.

I am just in a very tough season right now. I feel very lost, and feel like my mind and my heart are just full of turmoil. I just want to go to some distant island and stay there until next spring.

I am still going to the gym and LOVING it! For the first time in my life I am actually enjoying working out! - See...there is a positive thing. I am not completely Little Miss Negative!

Aren't you glad I started writing again? You all missed my depressing antics didn't you?

Life update

This week, I have found multiple topics of conversation and things that I would like to share with all of you out here in blogger world with me, so here we go!

Exercising

Pace bought me a gym membership for my birthday (don't try to cyber-smack him...that is what I ASKED for for my birthday) and last night was the first time I ventured in. I have always been afraid of the gym. Not because it would become a clear reality how out of shape I was, not because I would have to work out next to Barbie (ok...that had a little to do with it) but mostly because of my social anxiety. My fear of being in public with a large group of strangers.

So last night I conquered that fear and I walked into the gym with my head held high and my stomach in my throat. It really was not as bad as I thought! It was actually fun, and I actually look forward to going tomorrow. I am sore in places I never paid much attention to, but it feels great!

Boating

That's right folks...boating...and swimming...in wild water. If you followed my past link "social anxiety" you already know that I am terrified of the water. I learned to swim only about 6 years ago, and still don't care to be in water so deep that my feet don't touch the ground. However, another fear conquered this week! Pace and I went out on a boat with my co-worker and her husband this week and I JUMPED IN THE WATER....AND SWAM!!! I know...I can hardly believe it too, but it was really nice! Being out on the water, on the jet boat, it really was a lot of fun and I really look forward to doing it again.

Work

All I can say is CHANGE SUCKS! My company (of which I have helped build over the last 6.5 years) was sold last week to a new guy. And when I say new guy...I mean NEW. He knows nothing about the service we provide (flood and fire damage restoration) he doesn't know how to work with Quick.books, he doesn't even know how to check his email, but I am working for HIM! Grrrrr! It is so frustrating. Meanwhile, my previous (pretty cool) bosses are out spending their millions while I am pining away with the old man who doesn't know a damn thing about what I do all day.

Infertility

You didn't think I would leave THAT out now did you??? Pace and I talked a little bit about our future and having children. He would like to try IVF before we try adoption and he wants to wait until spring of next year. We are buying a house in Dec. or Jan. and he wants to get moved in before we start up again.

Now...this really struck me and made me realize how much infertility really changes a person. I am a fairly logical person. I think decisions through...almost to a fault. I am rarely spontaneous (it takes a couple fruity drinks to get me to be spontaneous), I think I am intelligent and a well rounded person. Pace is also well rounded and intelligent, but he is also very spontaneous, he likes to "fly by the seat of his pants" he doesn't always think decisions through, but that is ok. We compliment each other well and we make it work beautifully.

But during this discussion I realized that when it comes to infertility, our roles are reversed. I am being completely illogical, not making much sense, not making wise decisions and being a total emotional wreck. Pace on the other hand is cool as a cucumber. When we talk about infertility decisions, he is very matter of fact and has really given these decisions a lot of thought. He has thought through the end of the year, the buying of a house, the whole nine yards, and all I can think about are babies.

I surprise myself sometimes...sometimes I don't know who I am anymore....

working out...

boating...

swimming...

new hair color...

tattoos...

Very unlike me.

Yep.

I have lost the old me.

THE VIDEO

I found this video on a couple of fellow blogger's blogs and I have to tell you, I haven't felt this true, raw emotion for such a long time. It made me realize just how much I mask my feelings about infertility.

So...here it is. The Video! I hope it helps fellow infertiles relate and I hope it helps fertiles understand why we hurt so much!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Birthday Blues

This week has been a tough one. (and it isn't even over yet)

First of all, I had a birthday. I remember when birthdays were fun, when you actually looked forward to them. The last two birthdays have just been painful reminders of one more birthday without kids. One more year to add onto the Trying To Conceive marathon. One more year of failed treatments. All three of my sisters waited until they were 27 or 28 to have kids so they think I am a little crazy for trying so soon in my life. They think 27 is the magical number to have kids. Maybe. For them. But when they wanted to have kids, they just tried for a couple of months and then poof! They were pregnant. Not so for me. I am so scared that one day I am going to wake up and realize that I am 28 and the "magical" year for having kids has past me by. Meanwhile, my sisters continue to have children and totally lap me AGAIN on the baby making track.

*Although I MUST say that my husband has been AWESOME to me this birthday! He has really pampered me and totally spoiled me rotten! (I LOVE IT!)

Secondly, I received a call from my mom yesterday to let me know that my aunt was put in a home and is on Hospice care right now. They aren't expecting her to make it through the end of the week. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. That is it. She had no clue she had cancer until about 4 or 5 weeks ago. That is all the warning she (we) had. She tried to fight in the beginning and we thought she was going to beat this, but then last week she got VERY ill and has been in the hospital since. She doesn't know where she is and is very confused. She told my brother that she is just ready to give up. She is in too much pain to keep trying.

This is the same woman who (other than giving birth to her kids) has NEVER been in the hospital. She was the care taker of the family and was such a firecracker! It has been a devastating blow to my family and especially my father. He loves his sister so much!

Thirdly, Pace and I are throwing a birthday party for his little sister. She just turned 2, so we spent the majority of yesterday shopping for her gifts, party treats, birthday cake, Dora The Explorer hats, plates, napkins, banners, etc. I purposely avoid the baby section of any store, but I couldn't avoid it yesterday. We shopped for little girl toys, little girl clothes...it was heartbreaking.

I thought I had been doing so well recently, but yesterday really just set me back. I know that I will be fine on Saturday cause I absolutely love Pace's little sister and it is going to bring me such joy to throw her a birthday party, it is just the planning and shopping that is getting to me.

You know that little voice that says "You should be doing this for your own kid, if you had gotten pregnant when you first started trying you would be planning YOUR child's second birthday"? Well, that damn voice just won't go away. I am hoping that a stiff drink tonight will at least drown her a little bit.

Stolen

I used to write poetry. I used to write A LOT of poetry. My deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings I have poured out onto paper so many times. However, for some reason, I have not been able to write a poem about my infertility. I attempted to write one poem (which is on this blog) but it was more about my best friend that I lost because of infertility rather than about infertility itself...So, when I met this online friend of mine I instantly felt a connection with her as she has true passion (and an amazing ability) to write poetry. She received some very bad news today. She found out that she will never be able to carry her husband's child, no amount of medical intervention will ever make that dream a reality for her.
My heart aches for her and I am just so sad for her. I wanted to share this poem that she wrote because it truly spells out the dark reality of infertility.

Stolen

By Sarah A******

I'll never check the calendar smiling, thinking "hey I may be late".

I'll never suprise our parents with the news of their "grandparent" fate.

You've stolen all the joy that making a child is supposed to bring.

You've taken a beautiful moment and turned it into an ugly thing.

I'll never once experience the thrill of the three minute wait.

It's more like a tortured time, when one minute feels like eight.

I'll see there is no line and once again we'll have no child.

I'm bitter, angry and confused and that's to put it mild.

I had visions of telling my husband, a Dad you're soon to be.

To see the look upon his face, his hands on my belly.

We'll never argue over names or the colors for the room.

We'll never giggle over the little kicks that are coming from my womb.

You've taken from me a joy that I'll never get to know.

You've stolen what was rightfully mine, striking a sinking blow.

Why does this happen to me, to my love and to our life?

I didn't see this coming, "mother" belongs right after "wife".

Infertility is the thief that snuck into our lives.

Infertility steals the child from the husbands and the wives.

Infertilty should be a crime but the punishment is not it's own.

It belongs to the couples who suffer, whose child does not come home.