If it's not one thing...it's another

Apparently tender ovaries aren't always a good thing. Every time I felt my ovaries getting tender during a Clo.mid cycle, it was always reassuring to me. It meant that they were doing something.

Well...that isn't always the case.

I went to the Dr. on Friday for my Day21 check. The ultrasound showed a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. This isn't the type of cyst that goes away on its own. The kind that requires us to take a month off of fertility treatments...nope. This cyst requires surgery. (Just a warning...don't goo.gle Der.moid cyst - the pictures are disgusting) I keep referring to it as my alien.

I am disappointed beyond belief, however we are getting a second opinion. We have decided to fork out the money to our previous RE and have him do an ultrasound. For one, I think my GYN is a crackpot. Note to self: find a new one. Second of all, I trust my RE and I would like to have an ultrasound done where I can ask questions during the u/s and get some answers! So my RE is supposed to call on Monday to set up an appt.

Also, my GYN said that they did not see any follicles on my u/s. First of all, the u/s tech did an external u/s to begin with. I am not a Dr. but I am pretty sure you have to have an internal u/s to look for follicles don't you? She ended up doing an internal u/s as well because she could not find my left ovary. It was at this time I started to get really excited because I saw on the screen 3 or 4 big black holes on each ovary. However, she didn't measure them. When we were doing artificial insemination and I had follicle checks, that is exactly what they looked like. Big black holes. So here I am thinking that we have a good chance this month. When I saw the NP - she said they really didn't see any follicles. WHAT? How can that be? Again, I am not a Dr., but I am PRETTY sure I know what I saw. So...a second opinion it is. I am not going to sign a consent for another surgery until I have someone who knows what the heck they are doing give me their opinion.

So I am feeling a little defeated, but we are going to continue doing OPK's (haven't ovulated yet) and see what this month will bring. So far 2009 is not turning out much better than 2008.

I was so hopeful

Update and prayer request

Hello all, I need to start out with a prayer request. My nephew's step-brother was accidentally shot and killed this weekend. I don't have a whole lot of details yet, but he was 12 years old and the entire family is in shock right now. I know my nephews are trying to be strong, but this is tearing them a part. Their little brother is no gone. Please pray for them to grieve, and when they are ready find peace and know that their brother is in a much better place now.

As for me - Pace and I went to the beach for Memorial Day. It was a wonderful trip. Just he and I. We didn't visit any friends, we didn't' call anyone, we just went out there and really enjoyed each others company. We had a fantastic time and I came back so relaxed and refreshed. I am still waiting to "o" I go in on Friday for a Prog.esterone check and internal u/s to see what we are working with. Hopefully it is good news!

Please pray for my nephews and their family. My heart is just breaking for them!

Thank you all!

Well Said My Friend!

I read a post this morning that rang SO true to me. I just had to immediately get on and write. If you would like to read the post that inspired this one, please click here. I have had comments (on line and in person) from people that question why we haven't done IVF yet, I mean you have been trying for over 4 years...what are you waiting for?

It seems that some people in the IF community compare notes and try to "one-up" the next IF couple. For example, some people judge the "level of infertility" on what treatments people have gone through. Due to the fact that Pace and I have never done IVF, some people do not consider us as infertile as the couple that has been trying for 2 years and have done 2 IVF's.

Others judge the "level of infertility" on time. We have been trying for 4+ years, so does that make us more infertile than those who have only been trying for 2? NO

Well here is what I have to say to that: Everyone has there own level of infertility pain. It doesn't matter where we are in the journey, we are infertile, no level of treatment or time makes us more or less infertile than the other. There are many people out there who have done IVF that aren't IF. So what does that mean? Why do so many have this sense of being the "top infertile dog?" It really upsets me. I am glad that Pace and I are taking our time and going through each step possible (even though we are taking different steps than many other people would choose) because that is the best route for us. We aren't doing IVF and we have multiple reasons why. This is a personal decision that does not have any bearing on "how" infertile we are.

Still being at the "Clo.mid" level (even after 3 failed IUI's and over 4 years of trying) doesn't make us any less infertile, it doesn't make us any more infertile and it certainly does not mean that we want a baby any less than those going through IVF or other more invasive treatments.

I need a new attitude (as sung by Patti LaBelle)

I'm not really sure where to begin this post. I have been pondering this post for the last week, it has changed directions many times. I decided to hold off on posting because I was under the influence of Clo.mid which is dangerous and frightening. LOL

It was an extremely rough week. No part of my life went untested. I was exhausted, cranky, emotional, frustrated, and overall just felt like crap. I have devoted myself to two more Clo.mid cycles and after that, NEVER again. I can't handle the side effects. I just can't bear it any more. I will HAPPILY go back to injections for a couple of reasons. 1. I had virtually NO side effects 2. It gave Pace something to do in this process (he didn't really LIKE sticking me with needles - but he was really good at it!)

We went to our monthly Res.olve meeting and I was hit in the face with a truth that I was really trying to hide. I need to give myself a break. Not a physical break, we have been on a forced break since December (due to endo and surgery) I need to give myself a mental break. I need to minimize my blogging (don't worry...I am not leaving you) I realized last Wednesday that I check/read/update my blog at least 10 times a day. 10 TIMES!!! That is a bit compulsive and totally obsessive don't you think.

Not only do I have this blog, I have an infertility chat board, I am a part of another infertility chat board on Face.book, I get daily Christian infertility support emails, I am starting an infertility support group at my church, I follow 36 infertility blogs, I attend monthly infertility support group meetings, and I own probably 15 infertility related books. Needless to say...I need to give myself a break. I have been eating, breathing, sleeping infertility for far too long and it has not only taken a toll on me, but also my marriage.

I need a vacation (not necessarily having to leave and go on a trip, I just need a vacation for my brain). So I will be pulling back from blogging a bit (and by pulling back I mean limiting myself to checking my blog roll only 2 times a day) LOL. I just need to refocus. My pity party has lasted long enough - I need a break, my husband needs a break and our marriage needs a break.

I spent about an hour yesterday looking at pictures of the last 7 years Pace and I have been together. I miss those days. There were so many smiles, laughs, goofy moments...I sat back and wondered how long it had been since we shared moments like that. It has been far too long.

The pressure of infertility has weighed on us so heavily I feel like we have kind of lost ourselves. We put on our "happy" faces at work and then we both come home and crumble because we don't have to put on happy faces at home, at home we can be real. Work is our escape, but as soon as we walk into the doors at our house, we are reminded of our infertility, the stress, the loss, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow. We are mourning when we are home. Mourning is ok, it can be healthy, but it can also be a rut that you never get out of. We can still be ourselves, we can still talk about infertility, we can still do all of those things, but we also need to have fun. We need to enjoy our time together, love each other, support each other and be each other's best friends again.

We tried to watch Mar.ley and Me last night. I was warned by my friend Jess about the miscarriage scene, but I didn't realize that the large majority of the movie was about them starting a family, having kid #1, accidentally getting pregnant again, having kid #2 and struggling to manage it all. We stopped the movie. Neither one of us could handle watching any more of it. I am sure it is a wonderful movie, the author of the book is amazing, but neither one of us are in a space to handle it.

So that is where I am. I am done with Clo.mid, waiting to "O" and struggling to find a new outlook on life, marriage, family and infertility.

I just need to vent...

Fair warning: this is probably the Clo.mid speaking, but here goes anyway.

I have been very open about our IF, treatments, miscarriage etc. (Some days I am thankful for that, some days I want to kick myself for that). Today is one of the days I want to kick myself. My co-worker, I will call her"J" came up to me this morning and said "Oh, I talked to my DIL last night, I thought they had decided to give up on the baby thing, but apparently her GYN put her on a high protein diet, lots of vitamins and told her it is only a matter of time, her Dr. said she may even have twins!"

For the record, I don't think her DIL has been trying for very long. They are getting married in the fall, she is 38 he is 41. They each have children from previous marriages.
J goes on to say that they don't have to go to a fertility Dr. because DIL ovulates and SIL "shoots thousands of sperm" All of this is fine and dandy...I am ok with this conversation, it is a little odd to be having this conversation in front of my entire office, but again, I chose to be open about this...so whatever.

Then she said something that makes my blood pressure sky rocket (even when I am not hopped up on Clo.mid) she said "Nichole you are lucky you are so young...you have plenty of time." My response to her was this "Well, I was young over 4 years ago when we first started trying too, but so far my age hasn't done anything for me. Every month that goes on, every year that we are still trying I am getting older and my chances are becoming smaller and smaller. Just because I am younger than your DIL, does not make this journey or conceiving any easier for me." I got up from my desk and went into the bathroom to gather my composure.

I hate it when people say that "Oh, your young yadda yadda yadda" I know that age may be on my side right now, but it seems that is the only thing on my side, which doesn't help.

Please keep your unsolicited assvice to yourself. Especially when I am hopped up on Clo.mid (for the record and J's defense, I haven't told anyone except my cyber friends and one IRL friend that I am on Clo.mid - I am done with being open right now) it can be a very dangerous place.

On a lighter note: My mom sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers yesterday. I should have known that she didn't forget me! I cried, and cried and cried. I love that woman. She has been an amazing support - I only wish she lived closer. I would love to crawl up on her lap and have her rock me in her chair right now! (ok - I realize I am to big for this and would probably crush my mom, but a girl can have dreams)

The Marriage Made in Heaven

I would like to introduce you all to a couple that I have known for a while. Well I have known the two individuals separately, but never knew they were married. Now I know that they are most definitely married and are probably the best couple I have ever met.

First you have Murphy. He is a very sarcastic fellow with a strange sense of humor. He really tends to make people mad and actually he isn't liked by very many people.

Then you have Flo - She is pretty snarky, she makes un-announced appearances in people's lives, she causes pain and suffering. She typically comes around when people don't want her to, occasionally she doesn't come around at all leaving people wondering what they did to upset her. They are both very high maintenance, however they are the best couple I have ever met.

Murphy Law and Aunt Flo - you two are peas in a pod, you work together to tear people apart.

You see, after all of the stress and tears and anger of having to wait another month, take Es.trace and have to wait another month (did I mention we had to wait another month) Aunt Flo made an appearance. Apparently Aunt Flow and Murphy Law got together and decided they need to mess with me. Boy did they. I was so upset, so sad, so angry and then She came. On her own with no warning. She was here.

So that my friends is the greatest couple I have ever known - they are indeed a match made in heaven.

So today is CD3 - time to start Clo.mid - I most definitely will be a monster for the rest of the week and probably a week or two to follow - just so you know! - you have been warned.

My M-Day was actually ok. I was a little upset I didn't get flowers from my mom this year. She sent me flowers last year which meant so much to me, but this year I got nothing. Pace bought me a dozen roses - they were BEAUTIFUL! He also bought me a card and on the front of the envelope he wrote "Mommy To An Angel" I love him - he is AMAZING!

Stuck with a Capital "S"

Short and sweet cause I am tired and upset and thinking this is NOT a great way to start M-Day weekend.

Talked to Dr. Monotone's nurse (she was actually nice), I have a script for Est.race and Pro.vera waiting for me at the front desk. Here's the catch - I have to take the Est.race for 25 days...that means we are being set back yet another f'ing month.

I am really looking forward to sitting by the pool and drinking fruity alcoholic drinks tomorrow!

So much for 2009 being a fantastic year

I hate being stuck. This is now month 4 of being stuck and I am not liking it one bit.

Viva la pool and fruity drinks!

CD Freakin 72

That's right folks - still no AF. I took the dreaded Pro.vera - turned into a total monster, and still haven't seen AF. I know that it can take up to a week, but I am just sick of waiting and all other times I have taken Pro.vera, AF has happily showed up within a day or two. If she doesn't show by this time next week, I am supposed to call my Dr. and then have to go on Est.rogen supplements and then Pro.vera again to try to bring her on. Damn it! Why is this happening?

I should have my baby in my arms right now and should be getting ready to celebrate my first M Day with my beautiful alive baby.

Instead, it is just a VERY painful reminder that my baby isn't here. My baby is somewhere in heaven, but most definitely not here. Not even close to being in my arms. Instead of having a child that can send my mom something on M Day, I am forced to acknowledge that once again, a M Day is coming and going with no living children.

I am so tired of waiting. I was doing ok for a while, I think I had actually convinced myself for a little bit that we should just try living childless for a while. Well Baby Fever is back and has hit me with a vengence. Along with that has come the anger, resentment, sadness, bitterness and despair.

This will by far be the most difficult M Day yet.

Sh.ane Co. - I am appalled

I don't know if any of you have heard the most recent Mo.ther's Day ad from the Sh.ane Co. Every time I hear it, I want to chuck my radio right out the darn door. I am just blown away by the misconceptions, and blatant stereotyping that is in this ad.
If you haven't heard it, the intro goes like this:

"What do your wife and your mother have in common, other than you? ...Children of course."

There are many things that upset me about this ad but the one thing that stands out the most are the words "of course" So this morning after hearing this ad once again on my way to work, I decided to write Mr. Shane an email - here it is:

Mr. Shane - I live in the Phoenix area and am quite familiar with all of the advertising your company does here. I was absolutely appalled when I heard the most recent Mother's Day ad it starts out "What do your wife and mother have in common other than you? Children of course."

Well guess what, there are women out there that are unable to give their husband's children and as if Mother's Day wasn't hard enough for these women, an ad like that just puts fuel on the fire. What about the couples that choose not to have children? Where do they fit into your advertising campaign? Is a wife less important or significant because she is not a mother? Does that make her less of a wife?

I understand that you can not cover all demographics in your advertising; however I think it is extremely brazen for you to assume that being a wife means being a mom. That is often not the case. The words "of course" at the end of the advertising statement make it sound like a no brainer and that obviously if you are a wife, then you are a mom.
Well Tom, for me and millions of other couples in your marketing demographic, that is not true. It is a painful, agonizing struggle to start a family and the stereotypes in your advertising make it that much more difficult.

I am extremely disappointed in this ad and the blatant untruths in it.

Sincerely,
Nichole

It probably won't do any good, it may not even be read, but it made me feel a little better.