Dear Cashier: Mind your own business!

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY! I haven't been this excited about a weekend in a long time. What a wonderful one it is going to be. We get to spend the evening and tomorrow morning with Pace's 2 year old little sister, then we get to have date night tomorrow night with the big *surprise* for Pace after that, Sunday will be church and our appointment. I think (other than getting bad news at the appt.) I have eliminated any time for bad news/or bad things happening.
Yes. I am EXCITED!
My ovaries felt very large and achy last night. This morning I convinced myself that it is all in my head (since the achy ovaries were obviously figments of my imagination last time)and now they are not near as achy. (Crazy how the mind works isn't it?) It kind of worries me cause if they are not achy it makes me feel like there is nothing going on in there. I am just trying to be patient, keep a level head and not get my hopes up.
Pace gets to give me my final shot tonight. I am so thankful that he is going to be giving me the shot, I don't want to give myself a shot ever again. I am so glad my parents never tried to talk me into being a nurse - my patients would hate me!

Here is something I don't understand and I welcome all thoughts on this subject:
Pace and I went grocery shopping last night and we were getting some Easter candy and stuff for his niece's, nephew and his little sister. We were at the checkout stand and the cashier asked who all of the candy was for - Pace explained then she said "Well, when are you guys going to have kids?" My first thought was "here we go again." I turned bright red holding back tears looked at her and politely said "someday". Why do people think it is any of their business? Having children or not is a very personal subject. A personal decision that a person (or couple) has to make for themselves. Why does every stranger out there feel that they have a right to that information? I decided after last night that I am going to come up with a couple of responses for next time I get asked this question (which will be soon I am sure). Here are some - feel free to add some if you have any ideas.

"When all the infertility drugs and inseminations start to work."
"We have kids already, they are just locked in the closet at home."
"We probably won't - I am infertile...thanks for asking."
"I don't know, my ovaries don't work."
"When pigs fly."
"(Just burst into tears and run away sobbing)"
"That is none of your business."
"Do you really care when I am going to have kids?"
"When I have enough money saved up to do In-Vitro Fertilization, since you care so much would you like to donate to the cause?"

Ohhhh if only I could think of these when people actually ask me that. I usually just turn bright red and want to go hide under a rock.

2 shots down...2 to go. (hopefully)

Well, Pace (I really don't think there is a reason for Mr. Clinger anymore) had to work late last night, so I had to give myself the shot. ALL BY MYSELF. My husband must have taken some medical classes or something when I wasn't looking cause when he gave me the shot, it didn't hurt AT ALL! But it hurt like hell when I did it! It even throbbed for a good 5-10 minutes afterward and is all bruised up. (The pic is of him giving me the shot. I couldn't manage to give myself the shot and take a pic at the same time) But, the good news is, I only have one more shot of the Follistim and if all goes well, I will have the trigger shot and then that is it!
My anticipation is growing for our appointment on Sunday. I want so bad for this cycle to work. The pressure financially, emotionally and spiritually is just too much and I want Pace and I to be able to close this chapter in our life and start our family already. I don't want to get my hopes up like I did last time, so I am trying to expect the worst and hope to be surprised!
I am feeling better today than I have all week. If you didn't guess, the weekend and beginning of the week was a little rough for me, but I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have arranged a surprise for Pace for our anniversary and I can't wait! I can't write about it here cause I don't know if he reads my blog or not, but I will tell you all about it on Sunday after my appointment. Hopefully I will be able to get some pics of his reaction! Teehee

Feeling Human

I am doing a little better today. The migraine has subsided some. It is still there, but at least I don't feel like lodging a sharp object into my brain for some relief. I am back at work today and feeling a little more human.
Of course, I get to do another Follistim shot tonight, so we will see how that effects the headache dept. I may have to do this shot on my own though because Mr. Clinger has to work late. I would much rather him do it, but ya got to do what you have got to do!

My mom and dad did the sweetest thing for Mr. Clinger and I - I was talking to her on the phone yesterday and she said that she asked the priest in her church to say a mass for us on Friday morning. I was deeply touched! We need all the prayers we can get!

Mr. Clinger and I are finally going to make time to celebrate out anniversary (a month late) this weekend. We have dinner reservations and may hit a movie or something - not completely sure yet. I am so excited - we have not been out on a date for quite a while and since the last couple of months have been so rough, it will be wonderful just to have some alone time with the love of my life!

Bundle of sunshine

I survived the first shot of follistim. It was actually not bad at all! I am on the verge of a migraine headache. Not sure if the meds have anything to do with that or if it is my current emotional instability. Either way... it sucks!
I think Mr. Clinger actually enjoyed giving me the shot a little. Not that I can blame him, with the way I have been acting lately, I want to stab myself with a sharp object!
I am a little bloated today, very tired, and very crampy. I am quite the bundle of sunshine!

My Emotional Trauma

What a rough time right now. AF finally arrived on Saturday. It was actually perfect timing because I was able to go camping and not have to worry about driving back to go to the dr. I had my CD3 appt. today. Everything looks great. Lining was great and both ovaries had multiple little follies on them but nothing over 2mm. So...I start my Femera and Follistim tonight. I will take 1 Femera a day for CD 3-7. I do 75iu of Follistim on CD's 3, 5 and 7. I go back to the dr. for another ultrasound on April Fool's Day. I hope for their safety, no one decides to try and play a trick on me this year...it would not be good.

I have had a lot of time to do some major soul searching this weekend, and I have decided I am more screwed up than I thought. I have discovered some real issues that I have not dealt with and are totally affecting me personally, but even more so, my marriage.

I blame myself for my IF so much. Not really blame myself, because I don't really know if there is anything I could have done differently to prevent it. But I definately carry around a lot of guilt for it. I hate myself. I feel broken and incomplete. I feel damaged and kind of like a leper. I hate my body. I hate that it doesn't work right, it doesn't feel right and it definately doesn't look right. I hate how depressed I have been lately. I hate that i can' t enjoy my life with my husband (who adores me for some reason...I have no idea why) because I am too consumed with infertility. I realized today that I have robbed our marriage of so many things because I was so consumed with starting a family.

I blamed him for not understanding how I feel, for not listening and not "getting it" but the truth is, he didn't know what he was supposed to understand cause I wasn't telling him. I never told him how broken I feel, how I feel I have failed him as a wife, how I feel unworthy of being loved. I couldn't tell him those things because I didn't even know I was telling myself those things. Until this weekend, I had no idea just how damaging my own thoughts were to my self-esteem.
My poor husband. I have taken this frustration out on him time and time again and for some reason he can still look at me with love in his eyes. How can I be loving and passionate with the one man that I love more than anything when I hate myself?

I am truly blessed in that I have married the most understanding and loving person I have ever met. He loves me through my faults, my weaknesses and my strengths. He has seen me at my worst, but loves me just the same.

I didn't write this blog for sympathy, I didn't write this blog for any reason other than healing. To get it out there so I can do something about it. So often people are critical of infertile couples going through treatments etc., but I really don't think that many people truly understand the complexity of emotional trauma that comes with infertility. So, there it is...my emotional trauma for all to see/judge/learn from whatever the case may be. But at least now that it is out in the open, I can see it, learn from it and do something about it so that I can once again be the wife for my husband that I promised to be over 2 years ago.

Mr. Clinger: You are my rock, you are my world. I am so grateful for you. I love you.

Hurry up and relax already!

Today is Friday. 5 days since my last pill and nothing. I had a little bit of cramps yesterday, but that is it. No spotting, no nothing. So today...I pulled out all the stops. I wore my favorite undies (with no pad) and very light cream pants. I figure if it is one thing that will bring on AF, it is fav undies and white pants! So...we will see.

I tried the relaxation technique Pastor Joe from our church taught me. Apparently in our last counseling session he decided I needed to relax more. Hmmmm...ya think? The relaxation technique went ok, I was very impatient though. **Yeah...I get the irony...I am even impatient when trying to relax.** "hurry up, why don't I feel relaxed yet? It isn't working, I don't feel anything." Grrrr. I wish I would just shut up already!

Eventually I think I just gave up and fell asleep. I slept well though and woke up feeling rested.

Mr. Clinger and I are supposed to go camping this weekend with a friend of ours, but it rained all day yesterday, is supposed to rain all day today, through the night and tomorrow morning. And we live in Arizona - the soil doesn't soak up the rain as well as it did in KS. Instead we get flash floods and mudslides up in the mountains. So I don't know if camping is such a great idea this weekend. It is just as well I guess, but it would have been nice to get out of the city for a weekend before we start this next cycle.

Provera...Out

Whew...Mr. Clinger and I survived. It was not easy...but we survived another dose of Provera. I don't remember being THIS moody on Provera before, but OH MY GOSH!!! My poor husband! He couldn't do anything right! The worst part was that I knew I was being completely ridiculous, but I couldn't stop!!!
Anyway...my last pill was Sunday night, and I can slowly feel myself getting back to normal. We are hoping to go camping this weekend, just waiting for AF to show up to determine if that would be possible or not. I wish she would just hurry up and get here so we can do CD 3 ultrasound before this weekend. I would really LOVE a nice, relaxing weekend out in the wilderness before all of the craziness begins!
I am starting to kind of freak out about the whole injections thing. I mean, it just isn't normal. I am getting very used to needles, but I am used to needles in a hospital environment with a nurse who had to go to school for MANY years before being able to give me this shot. I am NOT used to being responsible for mixing the meds and injecting them in my own home. That is a lot of pressure for a Human Services major!
My marriage has survived another dose of Provera - although Mr. Clinger is looking into renting a white padded room and a straight jacket for the remainder of the cycle.

Ahhh...Provera, we meet again.

My parnter in crime...Provera. Together we shall conquer that stubborn Aunt Flo and drag her to my doorstep kicking and screaming.
I started taking the Provera yesterday and it is already getting to my head. The crabiness and the painful bloating has set in. I am officially in my biggest clothes ever. Between the infertility drugs and the quitting smoking, I am quite a mess. Mr. Clinger and I started bike riding together at night. Right now the weather is perfect for that, but within a couple of months it will still be 100 degrees at 9:00 at night, so I don't think we will be doing a lot of bike riding after that.
My spirits are ok I guess. Mr. Clinger and I are going to get connected with a couple in our church that has gone through infertility. It will be nice to have a person face to face ( I have many infertile friends online) that is going through or has gone through what I am going through. Especially since my entire family and all of my friends happen to be the most fertile people EVER! Seriously, their husbands/significant others look at them in a loving manner and 6 months later I am getting a baby shower invitation!
Ok...so maybe I am still a little bitter. Not bitter towards the fertiles in my life...but bitter towards my situation in particular. I am very happy for those in my life who have been blessed with children and would never wish infertility on ANY of them. (I wouldn't even wish this on my enemies!) It is a very jagged pill to swallow. So, we are trucking along. Hoping for insemination the first couple of weeks in April, but I am not going to get my hopes up this time. I will try my hardest to take it one pill, one injection, one ultrasound, one insemination at a time.

Thanks for all of your love and support - Especially you Melissa! I really enjoy reading your blog, and am thankful that I can share some of the same emotions and feelings with someone else! Good luck testing in the next couple of days!

Chicken

Yes...I am still alive! I haven't written for a while because...well I needed some time to lick my wounds from my last cycle. (Analogy borrowed from a dear friend of mine...Cindy Jo) I really felt like I prepared myself for the worst last month. I was so wrong! I was (and am) completely devastated. I am terrified to start the next cycle. I don't want to face anymore dissapointment and I know that I don't have the power to control my level of excitement for being a mom. I want it so desperately!
Mr. Clinger and I are trying to muster up the strength and the money to go through another cycle. God help us if IUI doesn't work because there is no way we could afford IVF. It is hard enough to scrimp and save for the IUI's. If we got to that point, we would have to move to an infertility coverage mandated State so we could at least have a chance at insurance coverage.
So we are officially on our 25 month of trying. I have made it 3 months without a cigarette (barely) this last week has been the hardest for me!
I don't really know what to write here. My mind is spinning as I sit here at the computer. I want people to know we are still here...still alive. But medically, I really don't have any updates. Within the next few weeks AF should be here in all her raging glory and we will go for it again. Attempt #2 hope for the best, expect the worst and hope at the end of the day you can muster the strength to go on.