Monday, March 26, 2007

My Emotional Trauma

What a rough time right now. AF finally arrived on Saturday. It was actually perfect timing because I was able to go camping and not have to worry about driving back to go to the dr. I had my CD3 appt. today. Everything looks great. Lining was great and both ovaries had multiple little follies on them but nothing over 2mm. So...I start my Femera and Follistim tonight. I will take 1 Femera a day for CD 3-7. I do 75iu of Follistim on CD's 3, 5 and 7. I go back to the dr. for another ultrasound on April Fool's Day. I hope for their safety, no one decides to try and play a trick on me this would not be good.

I have had a lot of time to do some major soul searching this weekend, and I have decided I am more screwed up than I thought. I have discovered some real issues that I have not dealt with and are totally affecting me personally, but even more so, my marriage.

I blame myself for my IF so much. Not really blame myself, because I don't really know if there is anything I could have done differently to prevent it. But I definately carry around a lot of guilt for it. I hate myself. I feel broken and incomplete. I feel damaged and kind of like a leper. I hate my body. I hate that it doesn't work right, it doesn't feel right and it definately doesn't look right. I hate how depressed I have been lately. I hate that i can' t enjoy my life with my husband (who adores me for some reason...I have no idea why) because I am too consumed with infertility. I realized today that I have robbed our marriage of so many things because I was so consumed with starting a family.

I blamed him for not understanding how I feel, for not listening and not "getting it" but the truth is, he didn't know what he was supposed to understand cause I wasn't telling him. I never told him how broken I feel, how I feel I have failed him as a wife, how I feel unworthy of being loved. I couldn't tell him those things because I didn't even know I was telling myself those things. Until this weekend, I had no idea just how damaging my own thoughts were to my self-esteem.
My poor husband. I have taken this frustration out on him time and time again and for some reason he can still look at me with love in his eyes. How can I be loving and passionate with the one man that I love more than anything when I hate myself?

I am truly blessed in that I have married the most understanding and loving person I have ever met. He loves me through my faults, my weaknesses and my strengths. He has seen me at my worst, but loves me just the same.

I didn't write this blog for sympathy, I didn't write this blog for any reason other than healing. To get it out there so I can do something about it. So often people are critical of infertile couples going through treatments etc., but I really don't think that many people truly understand the complexity of emotional trauma that comes with infertility. So, there it emotional trauma for all to see/judge/learn from whatever the case may be. But at least now that it is out in the open, I can see it, learn from it and do something about it so that I can once again be the wife for my husband that I promised to be over 2 years ago.

Mr. Clinger: You are my rock, you are my world. I am so grateful for you. I love you.


Anonymous said...

Nicole I am so happy that you have found true love!! It is the most amazing feeling to know someone loves you no matter what. I wish you luck with everything you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers!


Anonymous said...

I know just how you feel. I take so much out on my husband without realizing why I'm even doing it. He just takes it (most of the time). We've had some pretty deep talks about how this whole infertility thing makes me feel, but I often forget that it affects him too. It's great that you can realize it and get past it. You're lucky to have such a great husband.

Melissa said...

Oh my gosh, Nichole - I have had those feelings to. I feel like damaged goods because my body is spectacularly failing at the one thing that makes me a woman. Although I don't think this is something we can just get over, I hope that you can heal enough that you protect your marriage.