Humbled

I am very humbled by the responses I got from my last blog. It continues to amaze me how I have found friendships in people I have never met. I thank each and every one of you for you continued support! It is so comforting to know that there are people out there who have/are experiencing the pain of infertility...and are surviving. I know some of you have beat IF and have become biological parents, and some of you have not, but no matter where we are in our IF journey, we will forever be sisters in the sisterhood of IF.

I pray for each and every one of you!

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you for being such great friends and supporters for me!

Hello again,
I am not sure if anyone still reads this thing, but it is therapy for me, so I will continue to write when I need/want.

Pace and I have been very busy. We are now business partners in a recreation vehicle rental business. We rent quads, rhino's, rv's, dirt bikes and eventually we will do jet skis and boats as well. It is just something fun to do on the side right now. A way to meet people that enjoy riding like we do and a way to pay for the quad we just bought. The last couple of weeks have been so great because the new business has kept me so busy, I haven't had time to think about being pg. (or NOT being pg).

Spring is definately here, it is warming up outside which means our pool is warming up too. I tried on a bathing suit last weekend that I wore 2 years ago (barely) and haven't been able to squeeze into since. IT FIT!!! I was so excited! I now don't feel like I have to wear a moomoo to the pool I am still overweight, but I have lost 35 pounds and have held it off for 3 months. Ideally, I would like to loose an additional 25 pounds, but I am just going to take it easy and enjoy the 35 I have lost thus far.

I am anxiously awaiting my dr. appt. in May. I will hopefully get some information on Clomid and the cost associated with doing a Clomid cycle. I have a very dear friend who was going to start taking Clomid this month, however she was unable to cause AF is MIA. (no unfortunately she is not pg) So, she can't be the Clomid guinea pig. I hope she can be the guinea pig, before I have to be the guinea pig cause honestly, Clomid scares the poop out of me. I have heard some horror stories.

Anywho...that is the update on us for anyone who still reads this.

Not sure what to think

So I know I haven't blogged in a while. For multiple reasons.

Number one, I have been VERY busy. My parents were in town for a week which was wonderful! We were finally able to show off our house to them. I finally broke down and let Pace buy a quad. It is so much fun! Then Pace rolled the quad. No real damage to either of them, just a few scrapes and bruises.

Number Two: I have just been sad. I don't like to blog when I am sad because then I look back at what I wrote and think "God I sound like a pathetic whiny brat" so I refrain.

Last month (the 26th to be exact) marked 3 years of marriage and Trying To Conceive. A very bittersweet day for Pace and I. So, I have just been sad. I started taking Provera to bring on AF on our anniversary (ironic isn't it?).

This is nothing new for me, for the last 6 months I have taken Provera to bring on AF. Every month, I take it for 10 days and on day 11 AF is here in all of her glory. So imagine my surprise when I woke up on day 12 and AF still hadn't come. Of course my body goes into full "Hey lets trick her into thinking she is pregnant" mode. And mass chaos ensued. I became a manic, symptom seeking, moody, boob poking, frequently urinating idiot.

I still have no resolution. I have taken pg tests, all negative, but still no AF. I have no idea what my body is doing, but I figure either 1. I AM pregnant and it is just too early to tell via pg test. (After all my cycles are SO screwed up I have absolutely NO idea if/when I ovulate) or 2. Something else is wrong with my body and I am moving farther and farther away from actually conceiving.
*sigh*
Why can't my body just cooperate. Why do we have to play these silly little games? Am I pg or not? So silly! I have no idea what to think, but I have decided that maybe I should just give thinking up all together. That way, I won't over obsess, won't over analyze and make myself absolutely crazy.

And besides...men love women that don't think! It could be my own little anniversary present to Pace!


**Update** AF is here. This month is a bust and once again I have wasted 5 days of my life worrying and obsessing about this shit.

Insanity...

My mother always told me that the definition of insanity is:
the act of doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

This makes me think about my infertility. Every month we try for a baby. Every month I pee on a stick, I pop pills, I prop my hips, I hold my breath, I take my temp, I eat right, I exercise, I do all of these things in hopes for two lines. The same thing over and over again. But each month...I get the same thing. One line. No matter how many months I try...one line. I think I have oficially crossed over the threshold into insanity.

I actually had my hopes up last night. I was at my sisters and when I went to the bathroom...there was...pink. The very very lightest pink you ever saw ... and for a moment...I had hope...I thought to myself...implantation spotting! Implantation spotting! This could be it! Since I am still taking my Provera...I should NOT be having my period...so it just HAS to be implantation spotting.

I prayed my hardest, most enduring prayer and went to bed last night a little smug. I just KNEW that I was going to wake up in the morning, the spotting would be gone and I would start barfing my brains out and I would just start laughing and enjoy morning sickness.

However...

When I got up this morning, I saw red. Literally and Figuratively. There she was in all of her glory...Aunt Flow. I was ok at first, but then it hit me. I REALLY allowed myself to believe that there was a chance last night. I thought for a moment that maybe this was my shot. My time. I thought for an evening how nice it would be to not have to go through another season of Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day with nothing to show of our efforts to have a child for 3 years.

I thought for an evening that I had cheated the system, that I had gotten pg just under the wire of the dreaded 3 year mark. ... I thought.

Now I am just sad. I am angry at myself for even letting myself get my hopes up. After 35 months of trying to get pregnant and failing miserably... how could I let myself get all worked up over a little pink.

I am DEFINATELY losing my grasp at sanity.

Road Blocks

I humbly start this by saying that I am not trying to throw a pity party for myself (I have learned to not like throwing parties...the clean up afterwards is just too time consuming) However, this blog is simply a reflection on life in general.

Road Blocks...we have all hit them at one time or another, most of us, multiple times in our lives. I find myself asking...maybe I need to find a different road, cause the road I have been on for the last 26.5 years has been riddled with road blocks. I constantly find myself looking for detours and I always have one foot on the brake just waiting for the next road block to be around the corner.

I had a good childhood. I have two loving parents and the most amazing group of brothers and sisters. Really on the dysfunction scale I think we rate pretty close to the "normal" family. We have had our battles with addiction, poverty, wealth, trust, health etc., but I think most of the stuff we have been through, has been pretty typical for a large family. I had a traumatic event happen to me at a young age. An event that caused me to grow up way too fast, caused me much pain, grief, and overall quality of life for many years. However...I overcame that. I am now a better, stronger person because of it. I persevered and I conquered my "childhood trama".

All the time I was going through that trauma in my life, I kept telling myself...this is it Nichole...this is your horrible thing that will happen to you. You will grow from it and in the end benefit from it in some way. You will get over it, have a story to tell and the rest of your life will not be as traumatic. That childhood trauma was my red card. My penalty. My big hurdle in life.

I was wrong.

In 26 days, Pace and I will have been trying to conceive our first child for 3 years. In that time, many of my friends have had "oops" pregnancies, have had their babies and many of them are pregnant with their second baby. Britney Spears has had 2 children in this time. My mother in law has had a child in this time. My sister who was not even trying has had a child and is now trying again in this time. Too many celebrities to count have had kids during this time (many of them unplanned) and I have had...none. I have not gotten pregnant once.

Some days I have so much faith that it will happen and I just tell myself to be patient and I pray for my baby.

Some days I have so little faith and I just pray that God would take away my desire to have children all together.

I know now that my childhood trauma was not my red card at all. Infertility is. By far this has cost me more spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially than my childhood trauma ever did and it almost makes my childhood trauma seem obsolete. Maybe that is the point. All pain heals with time, but the pain if infertility only gets stronger as time goes on.

My first wedding anniversary I was just starting to see doctors and the fear had just set in that we may not have a baby of our own. My second wedding anniversary I was in the midst of my first IUI cycle and I had so much hope for that treatment to work. As I near my third wedding anniversary, I just feel helpless. I feel that nothing I will or can do will ever make me have a baby. My hope is diminishing as my pain is increasing.

My period never came on it's own...I am still on the Provera. My weight loss is not coming as easy as it was and sticking to my diet is even harder. My bitterness is slowly creeping back in and my willingness to fight it is shrinking.

I feel like I need to get a break soon or I will hit my breaking point. It makes me wonder what my breaking point will be. Will I ever be able to get to the point where I don't care? Will I ever get to the point that I will be "ok" with never carrying my own child, or with never being able to look at my child and see Pace and I's resemblance? Will I ever be able to accept that as my fate and my destiny? And if so...how long will it take?

I read the bible verse "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." This verse makes me feel like a total Christian hypocrite. I don't feel this way right now. I do feel that the Lord is my shepherd, however there is something that I want...desperately and I don't feel like I am beside quite waters, I feel like I am standing on the edge of Niagra's Fall.

I know that I picked the road less traveled many years ago...now I know why that road is less traveled....to many Road Blocks.

Tyra...I pray for you...only cause Jesus told me I should.

OK...you can ask Pace...I am an Americas Next Top Model junkie. I watch reruns over and over again. I watch the Tyra Banks show when I can as well. However, never again will she appear on my TV. Not after this. I ran across this from a fellow infertile blogger. Apparently Tyra wants to do a show on infertility. Here is their description of the show:

DO YOU KNOW A WOMAN OBSESSED WITH BECOMING PREGNANT?
Do you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom? Have you seen and heard her struggle for years, felt her unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand? Have you watched silently for too long as she gets her hopes up only to be disappointed and heartbroken when she can’t conceive? Has she tried extreme methods and spent a lot of money to get pregnant with no luck? Do you want to finally tell her she needs to stop the emotional and physical stress on her body and seriously consider adoption or a surrogate alternative? If you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom and getting pregnant, then SUBMIT BELOW.
Please do not submit unless you are willing to appear on “The Tyra Banks Show".

And then here is my response to Tyra:

I am appalled and embarrassed at the description of the show on women trying to become a mom. I am one of those women who have struggled for 3 years now to look into my child's eye and see the reflection of my husband and I. No one has the right to tell a woman that she needs to "give up" on her dream of carrying a child in her belly. Each woman must make that decision for herself when she is ready. You have no idea the pain and anguish women facing infertility go through and the description of your show shows ignorance and insensitivity on the subject of infertility. You are going to feed the American people full of crap and stigmas that those of us struggling with infertility already struggle to overcome on a daily basis. I would expect as a woman and a voice for the American people that you would educate Americans on infertility and reduce some of the stigmas instead of add to them. Do you really think we don't face people telling us to give up on a daily basis? I used to be a fan of yours, however, I am very disappointed and will no longer watch your shows. Any of them!

Ok - so this response will do no good, no one will read it, it certainly won't get Tyra's attention, but it made me feel better.

Overall, I am feeling ok. Yesterday was the first day I didn't feel like I was going to upchuck all over myself. Yep...wonderful side effect of the Met.formin. The nausea gave me a little taste of what it COULD be like IF I EVERY get pregnant. Ha!

Anyway...I am praying for Tyra and that she may stop being ignorant and that she try to educate America on infertility, the emotional pain, the physical reasoning behind it and the various types of treatment. Amen.

I am a pill popping junkie

OK, so not REALLY, but actually...yeah, really. I got a call back from my dr. and he wants me to take the provera for another 3 months and double my dose of Met.formin. I am ok with that as long as the Met doesn't make me feel sick, at this point I will take all the pills in the world if it would mean I could close out 2008 with a baby.

I have a good feeling about this though. I really feel like my turn might be coming. For once I REALLY feel some hope. I am not sure why, I really have no scientific reason to think I would get pregnant anytime soon, but...I do. In fact, I am so confident I have started taking prenatal vitamins again. I haven't been taken prenatal vitamins for eight months. I guess I just gave up hope and decided that I shoudn't even waste my time or my money taking prenatal vitamins

However...

I started taking them last night, that is right...another pill - so here is my pill schedule.

Wake up: Take thyroid meds

One hour later: met.formin

One hour before dinner: thyroid

with dinner: met.formin

one hour after dinner: prenatal vitamin

bedtime: provera

Whew....see...I told you I was a pill popping junkie...the first step is admitting it.

Happy Freakin New Year!

Well, here we are 2008, Next month is our official 3 year mark of trying to have a child. I am not sure how I feel about it. Bitter and angry of course, but as the years go on, I feel more numb than anything. I have a very dear friend who is suffering from Recurrent Miscarriages and now recently AF has gone missing. She is such a wonderful person and is going to be a great mom, I just don't understand why this seems to happen to the good people.

I am sure there are not so good people out there that are infertile, but maybe it is just cause they don't care that they are infertile. They don't want to have kids, so in a way for them it is a blessing.

AF still hasn't shown and I haven't called my dr. I am not sure why, on one hand I want a baby SO bad, but on the other side, I am SO tired of going to doctors, trying new meds, new diets, new shots, new tests, more dr. appt, second opinions, more research, and on and on and on. It just gets so overwhelming. But, I am going to make the call. Today. I will call today and find out what the hell we are supposed to do now.

I requested a financial statement from our RE. I am not sure how I am going to be able to handle seeing all on one page HOW MUCH MONEY we spent on IUI's this year. I am terrified to look at it, but I know I need to see if we can write it off on our taxes this year. Maybe I will just keep it sealed until I have to give it to my tax man and let him open it up.

The last couple of months have been a little easier for me cause we have been so busy with the house. We are having a housewarming party at the end of the month and I can't wait to show all of our friends our new home. I am rambling...I know. I think that is just how I am getting through life right now, just keeping myself busy and just ramble from one thing to the next so that I don't think of how old our child should be had we been able to get pg right away.

Oye...Calgon take me away!

First it was Jessica Alba

then it was Lily Allen

and now...Jamie Lynn Spears @ 16 years old!!!

Grrrrr!

These stupid famous women having unplanned pregnancies. what great role models. I hope Jaime Lynn does get fired from Nickelodeon. Kids today already have enough delinquent role models...do they really need any more.

Damn Fertile Myrtles!!!

Yes...I am bitter. I am hurt, confused, pissed and bitter.

Pics...as promised

Ok...well I am still here, still waiting on AF. Stupid winch.

Anyway...here are a couple before and afters. Hope you enjoy!

Here is main hall looking out from the kitchen...BEFORE

Here it is AFTER

I will add more before and afters. I need to take some of the kitchen after I finish a few more touches, but this gives you an idea.

UPDATE....

She cancelled. I shouldn't be surprised. I don't know why after an entire year of not communicating she all of a sudden wants to make contact, but then when I do respond to her and schedule something, she cancels. It feels like a slap in the face. She said "I will call you on Saturday to set up another time to meet." It is Monday now and I still haven't heard from her. Some people never change. I am done trying with her, the ball is in her court.

As the holidays grow closer, it makes me sad. I miss my parents and the snow and it actually FEELING like Christmas outside. Christmas just isn't the same here in Arizona. I miss my family traditions like spending an entire Saturday listening to Christmas music with my mom while we decorate the house. I miss baking cookies and goodies with my mom, putting plates together and delivering them to our neighbors.

I wish Pace and I had kids so we could start our own family traditions and so I could carry on some of my family's traditions. I just can't imagine being able to celebrate Christmas morning with our own child and how amazing that will be. Being able to see the Spirit of Christmas through the eyes of a child. To be able to teach them about Baby Jesus and why we celebrate Christmas. Only in my most amazing dreams!

Friendships and houses

The boxes are unpacked, the air fresheners are up and the house is actually starting to look like our house. I absolutely love our house. I love coming home, I love just sitting and staring at the walls, the floors, the cabinets...everything. I love being in the front yard, I love being in the backyard, I love being in every room of the house!!!

OK...that is enough love...

AF still hasn't shown up. I am not really sure what I am supposed to do if she decides not to come this month. I guess I will call my dr. at the beginning of the year if she isn't here.

I have some new stuff going on in the "friend" department. I have been hanging out with this really cool chick I will call her "J". She has suffered through 3 miscarriages in the last 3 years and I must say it is wonderfully amazing to have a friend in real life that suffers from infertility as well. ..Well...she isn't infertile, she has no problem GETTING pregnant, she just hasn't been able to HOLD a pregnancy yet. Anyway...she has been a great friend. We cry to each other, make each other laugh, vent our baby frustrations to each other and at the end of the day we know that we will wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.
I enjoy talking to her because she is very funny, sarcastic, smart and man does she know her politics!

I know I said I would post pics of the house, but I just haven't taken the time to download them to my computer yet. I promise I will get them to you soon.

Oh...another new thing in the friend department. If you have been following my blog for any length of time, you will remember the story about my friend from a year ago when we had a HUGE blowout regarding my infertility and her utter disrespect for my sensitivity to the subject. We haven't talked since that day, and tomorrow morning at 7:15 am I will be sitting across the table from her at Starbucks. I don't know why I continue to feel this desire to have a friendship with her. But I do, and apparently she does to. I am very nervous to see her. I really hope she is at least sensitive enough to not bring her son. Although I would love to see him, I just don't want to see him right now. So, I will fill you in on the conversation as soon as I can. Again, I have no idea what to expect or what will happen.

Life Choices

Wow! A lot has transpired in a week! Pace and I have moved into our new home and I don't know who loves it more...us or the dogs. It is so much fun to watch Lucky run around the backyard with the sense of freedom and carelessness.

The house is coming along. I will post pics soon. The flooring is done, the painting is done, the unpacking is...NOT. This has been the hardest move for us for some reason. I think we are just putting more pride into where things are going, how things look than we did before in the rental homes. I don't know, I just can't explain it.

On the TTC side...we are just waiting. This is my first month without taking Progesterone to bring on AF. We will see if she shows or not. I would really prefer that she NOT show, and a positive pregnancy test show up instead. What an amazing Christmas present that would be! I can't even imagine.

There is a possible adoption thing in the works. I don't really want to divulge any details right now just because there is so many things that are unknown surrounding this situation and I don't know if Pace and I are even ready to move forward with that right now. We would be adopting a brother & sister combo - the mother does not want them separated. The girl is 9 and the boy is 10 months. Please just pray for us as we do some serious soul searching and praying to determine what the Lord has planned for these two children and Pace and I.

Thank you!

Home Ownership

I have officially owned a home for 2 and a half days and here is what I know so far...

1. Dealing with plumbing sucks. No matter how new the fixtures are...they will leak if you breathe on them incorrectly.

2. Garage doors can be a nightmare. Don't try to save money and scrimp on the garage door. Just replace the damn motor and be done with it already.

3. Very special people were placed on this earth just to caulk...I am not one of them.

4. My husband has many talents and abilities...woodworking is not one of them. This is where the caulking gun comes in.

5. People rarely follow through with what they say...especially in the service industry.

6. Pneumatic tools ROCK! I LOVE BRAD NAILERS!!!!!

7. Travertine floors are BEAUTIFUL!

Update...Update...Read all about it!!!

First of all...I know it has been WAY too long since I have blogged. I am so sorry for leaving you all hanging in suspense of my strep ridden tonsils!

Shortly after I healed from strep throat, we found THE house. The perfect house for Pace and I. So ever since then, we have been frantically running around like chickens with our heads cut off dealing with mortgage brokers, real estate agents, title companies, etc. We FINALLY closed today and I feel like I have a little bit of breathing room. We are so excited to finally have a place of our own. A place we can REALLY call home. We are going over to the house tonight to do a little bit of work, drink champagne and just soak in our new house.

Tomorrow the fun begins. The flooring guys will arrive at 8:00 am to start tearing out the hideous pink and blue tile from the house and start laying the beautiful new Travertine floors. That will take about a week and then the new carpet will go in. Right after the carpet is in, the painters will come in, put a fresh coat of paint on the place and bam....we can move our stuff in. It is going to be a crazy hectic next couple of weeks, but it is all worth it. The best part...it has a pool, so in the summer time, we can lounge in our very own swimming pool. Plus our pool can't be seen by any of our neighbors and there are no houses behind ours, so our backyard is totally private. (Except for big brother in outer space) :-)

As for the baby making thing....I have lost weight - almost 20 pounds. I am still taking the Progesterone to bring on my periods but this month is the last month for that, so we will see what my body does in December. I had a follow up appt. with the doc a couple of weeks ago and he said that my thyroid levels were absolutely perfect. They couldn't have asked for better results. He was very optimistic that my cycles would return on their own and we MAY be able to get pregnant within the next 6 months. I am not going to hold my breath and thankfully this new house thing is keeping me occupied and my mind off of babies. Well...except for the fact that I am going through the second phase of friends having kids. That's right folks...we made it through the first phase childless and now we are entering the second stage where the previous mentioned children are now at least 1 and their moms are pregnant with #2 now. Delightful.

Since the holidays are here, I am getting a break from the Women's Center which is a good and much needed thing. Although I love volunteering there, sometimes it is just more than I can handle. The last couple of weeks I have had many hard cases and I am just ready for some time off.

I was in a wedding last weekend. I was the bridesmaid for a girl I had never even met. Huh? you say??? Well, Pace and I are very good friends with her now husband (Jared) but Jared has been in the army for the last 2 years, so we hadn't been able to meet this girl (Tiffany) he had met while away at the army. They got engaged, she asked me to be in the wedding and let me tell you...it is GREAT to have GREAT friends! Tiffany is a wonderful person from a wonderful family. She lives in Texas and that is where the wedding was. I must say to all you Texans out there...You sure know how to be hospitable! I had such a great time in Texas, I was not ready to come back to AZ! Here is my shout out to Jared and Tiffany ... I love you guys and hope that you have a wonderful, healthy and long life together! Tiffany, it was so great to meet you and I really look forward to a wonderful friendship for the next 80 years or so!

That is my update for now everyone! Thank you all for continuing to check up on my blog even though I haven't blogged for so long!

Smooches!

Strep throat no more...

Yep..I am back amongst the living. Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I am feeling MUCH better now and actually feel like I might live to see another day.

So...I have been on my new meds and my new diet for almost 3 weeks now. Guess what?....I have lost 8 lbs and one inch off my waste. I can't remember the last time I put on a pair of pants that USED to be tight on me and...they actually FIT!!! Now that I don't have strep throat anymore, I will be returning to the gym with Pace so hopefully the results will come even quicker from here on out.

I just really hope this works, that my cycles return to normal and we can actually have some hope at conceiving in 2008. I just can't imagine not being able to carry my own child in my womb.

Pace and I are actively looking for a house to buy now. We saw 5 houses on Saturday - only 2 remain on the "maybe" list. Neither one of them have just jumped out and grabbed me. Thankfully we have some time. We will begin the communication with our mortgage broker later on this week and then the real stress kicks in...Money talk!

Pace and I have been going to some marriage classes at our Church for the last month and yesterday the lesson was on confession and forgiveness. I think it is really what I needed to hear. Through this whole infertility mess, I have been hurt so many times by friends, family members etc. Sometimes I spoke up, sometimes I just let it slide, never the less, I was still hurt and I still carry that hurt with me. I am really feeling the need to forgive my friend (whom I haven't spoken to in almost a year) that totally crushed me, was totally unsupportive, insensitive and blatantly mean to me. I don't know if we could ever be friends again, but I know that I need to forgive her. I need to get rid of that emotional junk so that I can be healthy.

Anyway...that is my update for now. I hope you all are doing well!

I'm pissed

More than pissed, I am in pain and at the end of my rope. I have strep throat. The only time I have left my house since Monday was yesterday to go to the dr. My tonsils are so swollen, sometimes it is hard to breathe and they FRICKING HURT!!! I don't know if any of you have ever had strep throat before, but I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I feel broken and totally defeated. I am frustrated and so sick of this pain. The closest thing to solid food I have eaten since Monday was a muffin and a piece of chicken, both of which made me want to cry with pain. Even drinking water makes me wince with pain.

On top of all that this just happens to be the week that Pace is scheduled to work nights. So I have been here all alone during the night which is the most difficult time for me, and then he has slep all day while I am up watching crap on tv.

When I went to the doc he gave me a prescription for 800 mg of Ibuprofen he said to start on that and see what it does for the pain. Uh.....NOTHING! He also gave me a prescription for Oxycodone if the Ibuprofen didn't work. I have NEVER taken a prescription pain killer before. I have never taken a narcotic like Oxycodone and it kind of scared me, so I talked myself out of filling it. Now, I am kicking myself in the a$$ for not filling it cause I am in SO MUCH PAIN.

I just had to vent, I had to get this off of my chest, I just had to let you all know where the hell I am right now and what I am going through.

Insulin Resistance

Well...I am insulin resistant, pre-diabetic, and have a sluggish thyroid.

That is what the dr. said today. So...I am back on icky nasty Metformin, on thyroid medication and estrogen to induce my periods. I am excited to look to the day when I will actually have a period on my own. With no drugs, not shot, just a real, natural period.

Another great thing about this plan is that I should lose weight hopefully a lot of weight. Apparently my body doesn't process breads and sugars properly. I end up having a huge surge of insulin which my body doesn't use, it ends up storing it as fat around my tummy. So, by eliminating carbs and going to the gym, I may actually see some results.

The dr. I saw was WONDERFUL!!! He made me feel so at ease and really made me feel positive about our future. There are absolutely no guarantees...we still don't know what damage has been done to my eggs at this point. We don't even know if this will restore my periods, but at least it is a step in the right direction. And...it cost MUCH less than an IUI cycle.

So that is my update for now.

A little overwhelmed...

So...the vacation was wonderful. The weather was gorgeous, nice and cool - warm in the afternoon, cool in the morning and evening. The company was even better. I met a couple of Pace's aunts that I had never met before. They were lovely. They were warm and welcoming, we spent time with his Nana, his grandma and most of all, his (our) nieces. We have not seen them since our wedding 2 and a half years ago and I can't believe how big they have gotten. They are beautiful girls with so much love to give! They absolutely love uncle Pace! We took them shopping and bought them both He.ely's. (The shoes with a wheel in the heel) It was so fun! They were the first things we bought and the rest of our time with the girls was spent trying to teach them how to use them!

On a different note...I have met someone...haha - don't freak out. I mean I have met someone else in real life that is suffering from infertility. Well...she is fertile, but she suffers from Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. We were brought together through the Women's Center I volunteer at and she just so happened to open up to me that she was currently going through her third miscarriage. I feel like I have been friends with this woman for years and I have never even met her in person yet. We plan on getting together soon for dinner or something, but I am just ecstatic that I have found someone that lives within blocks of me that I can talk to and that will sympathize with where I am at.

I had my bloodwork done last week. It was a defining moment - it was a clear, distinct reminder that my body is broken, it is dysfunctional and malfunctioning. It also made me remember that Pace and I have been trying to start our family for over two and a half years. It all just hit home very quickly and brought me right back to that bitter pissed off Nichole I left behind a couple of months ago when we went on a TTC break. It makes me wonder if that will ever go away.

On a dramatic note...I told my roommate (our foreign exchange student) that she needed to find new living arrangements. I gave her until the end of the month. I just reached my breaking point and I just can't have someone in my house that doesn't respect my house or my husband. Pace and I both tried to talk to her tonight about her constantly rude disrespectful behavior and she had the audacity to tell Pace "why do I have to follow your rules?" and constantly interrupting him while he was talking. That is when I lost it. I told her that the conversation was over, if she couldn't respect my house and my husband then she needed to live somewhere else. I explained to her that I was tired of her behavior and was not going to put up with it anymore.

It is a bittersweet move. I really wanted it to work with her and I really wanted to be able to help her while she was in college here, but I just can't take the tension she brings to my house.

So...life is crazy, still, again...whatever. It is just dramatic. But, it is mine.

Life Is Crazy!

So life is just absolutely crazy right now. Work is probably the most peaceful place for me to be and that says a lot cause work is STRESSFUL!!! Our foreign exchange student is back and just as I expected...it is NOT working. ALREADY! Pace is pissed off all the time, I am not sure I remember the last time he and I just sat back and had fun together. It seems it is all business lately. Home buying, exchange students, work, finances, family yada yada yada.
It is absolutely DRAINING! I mean how much serious stuff can you take before you just crack?

Pace and I are going on vacation this weekend. I can't wait. I am so sick of the heat here. We broke the record number of days over 110 today. What a freakin record! Yep...29 days so far this year with temperatures over 110. GRrrrrr. I just want it to be cool outside, and this weekend, I will at least be able to get a taste of that. We are going to Salt Lake City to see Pace's family. Family that we have not seen in almost 3 years. It will be a good trip. I love staying in hotels...sadly that is the part I am looking forward to the most.

We have been looking at homes. The market here has been nuts for the last couple of years, so right now we are just kind of taking our time, looking at different houses trying to get a feel for what we are looking for, where we want to live and how much we want to spend. I am excited yet a little scared about buying a house. Not only for the financial obligation, but for what it means to our future. I mean we have been saying for the last couple of months that once we buy a house, we will get back to the Dr. and start TTC treatments again. Just the thought of it makes me shutter.
I think about infertility every day, but it doesn't control everything I do. There was a time when we were in the middle of IUI cycles when every single thought I had revolved around TTC. It took me so long to get out of that mentality and frankly, I am scared to start TTC (with treatment) again because I don't want to lose myself to it again. I don't want to become the monster I was. Granted...I still have monster days when seeing a pregnant women, a cute little family walking into a restaurant, or a dad playing catch with his son makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I just can't help it.

We are back in church and dealing all the time with our faith and infertility, and I am learning more and more about myself all the time.

I have been deeply saddened the last couple of weeks as one of my blogger and myspace friends Lara as well as one of my in real life friends are both healing from very sudden and recent miscarriages. Please keep these women in your prayers and ask for peace, and healing for them.

I will post some pics of our vacation when I get back! Have a great Labor Day weekend and I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately...LIFE IS CRAZY!!!