First of all, I wanted to update you all and tell you that I had "the" talk about my sister trip with my mom the other night. It was AMAZING and for the first time, I really opened up to her about the emotional side of all of this crap. She was so much more understanding and compassionate than I ever could have asked for. It was such a great conversation and I realized how much I have allowed myself to suffer in silence, when I should have been calling my mom and crying on her shoulder begging for words of encouragement.
Then...I had the first conversation with one of my sisters about the infamous "sister trip" I told her I wouldn't be making it for the sister trip this year. I told her we would be knee deep in fertility treatments and I really needed to focus on that. I also told her that it would be very difficult for me to be around her new baby as well as my other sisters new baby (5 weeks and 10 weeks old respectively). I told her that I was still just too raw. There was a pause on the other end and then she said "I totally understand, I am so sorry, I didn't even think about that."
Enter sigh of relief here
I need to talk to my other two sisters, but for now, I think they won't be bothering me about the sister trip anymore.
There has been something that has been plaguing my mind the last week or two and I am just going to lay it out there and hope that everyone that reads it understands and doesn't take this the wrong way:
Is it just me or are a much higher rate of my fellow infertile bloggers getting pregnant?
It seems like every day there is a new pregnancy announcement on my blog roll which is WONDERFUL! That is absolutely amazing - and Bec - I hope to see yours tomorrow.
I just want a piece of that pie too - whatever all my blogsters are doing out there it seems to be working. Pass some of it over here ok? I'm not sure I can stomach another holiday season without a baby in my belly.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A plan...of sorts
The appointment went as I imagined.
We will call my Gyn...Dr. Monotone, because he has absolutely no bedside manner and well...speaks in monotone. Thankfully I was not forced to sit in the waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women (the last time Dr. Monotone made me sit out there for an hour and a half - TORTURE!) Oh...and the nurses there - I like to call them Ms. Illiterate because apparently they can't read medical charts OR body language. Not just one or two of them...I have not found ONE nurse there I like!
So Ms. illiterate calls me back, does the normal blood pressure stuff (which by the way was 118/80) :-) and then started asking me a series of questions...but not really questions. She didn't ask me "When was the first day of your last period?" She would say "So the first day of your last period was...*akward silence*" I finally realized she was waiting for me to fill in the blanks. I don't like to play fill in the blanks, if you want to know something I want you to ask me. Ask me correctly.
So I grit my teeth, fill in the blanks for her and then she tells me that Dr. Monotone will be in shortly. 35 minutes later (thank goodness I stopped and bought a trashy celebrity magazine on my way so I didn't have to read one of their pg magazines) Dr. Monotone came in. He reviewed my fill in the blank answers and then asked a few of his own. Then he asked me what I wanted to do from here...and I told him.
"I want a prescription for Pro.vera so that I can bring on AF, I want a prescription for 100mg of Clo.mid. I want to come in on/around Day 21 of my cycle so you can check my Progest.erone. If you can confirm that I ovulated and my progest.erone is low like I suspect it will be given recent history, I want to be put on progest.erone supplements. As soon as I get a positive HPT I want to come in the same day for a progest.erone check and a Quantitative BETA. I want to adjust my progest.erone if needed and do a repeat BETA 48 hours later. - repeat as necessary"
"Well," he says, "sounds like you know where you want to go from here."
"Yep." I replied.
I went further and showed him my lab results from my appointment with Dr. Hormone yesterday. and he actually seemed a little peeved (why is it that Dr.'s think that patients should only be seeing one Dr. not multiple? Are they afraid that the other Dr. won't agree with their diagnosis or treatment? Well, that is one of the reasons I work with two Dr.'s. I always have a second opinion at my fingertips)
He asked me "So are you going through these steps with Dr. Hormone or did you want us to monitor you."
I reply. "I wold love to have Dr. Hormone monitor my cycles, however insurance doesn't cover him and their office is far away, so I would like to have you monitor them."
He seemed semi-content with that so he ordered up a pg test (I think that was his way of getting me back for two-timing him with Dr. Hormone.) of course it was negative and Ms. Illiterate made sure to tell me that...quite frankly - apparently that is one thing she can read...pee sticks.
I got my prescriptions and marched out the door feeling proud of myself, I got to my truck, called Pace...and then fell apart. We are right back where we were a year ago. A freaking year ago! I am so damn scared of getting pregnant and miscarrying again - I know that will be my final straw.
So there ya have it - Take 4. Pro.vera, Clo.mid, Progest.erone blah, blah, blah
We will call my Gyn...Dr. Monotone, because he has absolutely no bedside manner and well...speaks in monotone. Thankfully I was not forced to sit in the waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women (the last time Dr. Monotone made me sit out there for an hour and a half - TORTURE!) Oh...and the nurses there - I like to call them Ms. Illiterate because apparently they can't read medical charts OR body language. Not just one or two of them...I have not found ONE nurse there I like!
So Ms. illiterate calls me back, does the normal blood pressure stuff (which by the way was 118/80) :-) and then started asking me a series of questions...but not really questions. She didn't ask me "When was the first day of your last period?" She would say "So the first day of your last period was...*akward silence*" I finally realized she was waiting for me to fill in the blanks. I don't like to play fill in the blanks, if you want to know something I want you to ask me. Ask me correctly.
So I grit my teeth, fill in the blanks for her and then she tells me that Dr. Monotone will be in shortly. 35 minutes later (thank goodness I stopped and bought a trashy celebrity magazine on my way so I didn't have to read one of their pg magazines) Dr. Monotone came in. He reviewed my fill in the blank answers and then asked a few of his own. Then he asked me what I wanted to do from here...and I told him.
"I want a prescription for Pro.vera so that I can bring on AF, I want a prescription for 100mg of Clo.mid. I want to come in on/around Day 21 of my cycle so you can check my Progest.erone. If you can confirm that I ovulated and my progest.erone is low like I suspect it will be given recent history, I want to be put on progest.erone supplements. As soon as I get a positive HPT I want to come in the same day for a progest.erone check and a Quantitative BETA. I want to adjust my progest.erone if needed and do a repeat BETA 48 hours later. - repeat as necessary"
"Well," he says, "sounds like you know where you want to go from here."
"Yep." I replied.
I went further and showed him my lab results from my appointment with Dr. Hormone yesterday. and he actually seemed a little peeved (why is it that Dr.'s think that patients should only be seeing one Dr. not multiple? Are they afraid that the other Dr. won't agree with their diagnosis or treatment? Well, that is one of the reasons I work with two Dr.'s. I always have a second opinion at my fingertips)
He asked me "So are you going through these steps with Dr. Hormone or did you want us to monitor you."
I reply. "I wold love to have Dr. Hormone monitor my cycles, however insurance doesn't cover him and their office is far away, so I would like to have you monitor them."
He seemed semi-content with that so he ordered up a pg test (I think that was his way of getting me back for two-timing him with Dr. Hormone.) of course it was negative and Ms. Illiterate made sure to tell me that...quite frankly - apparently that is one thing she can read...pee sticks.
I got my prescriptions and marched out the door feeling proud of myself, I got to my truck, called Pace...and then fell apart. We are right back where we were a year ago. A freaking year ago! I am so damn scared of getting pregnant and miscarrying again - I know that will be my final straw.
So there ya have it - Take 4. Pro.vera, Clo.mid, Progest.erone blah, blah, blah
Monday, April 27, 2009
One down ... One to go
I had my appt. with my hormone dr. today.
Here is the report:
Estrogen: 36
FSH: 6.6
Testosterone: 143
TSH (thyroid): 1.10
So this means that my estrogen totally SUCKS ASS and my testosterone is way too high.
He couldn't really give me an explanation for my missing menses, but he was very kind, compassionate and understanding. I really LOVE this doctor. He was of the opinion that Clo.mid was the best bet for us as a "next step" and also said that I need to make sure the Gyn was monitoring my Progesterone very closely so I don't miscarry again. He said that if my Gyn didn't want to monitor my progesterone, he would do it for me. LOVE HIM!
Next up ... GYN tomorrow. Yeah!
Here is the report:
Estrogen: 36
FSH: 6.6
Testosterone: 143
TSH (thyroid): 1.10
So this means that my estrogen totally SUCKS ASS and my testosterone is way too high.
He couldn't really give me an explanation for my missing menses, but he was very kind, compassionate and understanding. I really LOVE this doctor. He was of the opinion that Clo.mid was the best bet for us as a "next step" and also said that I need to make sure the Gyn was monitoring my Progesterone very closely so I don't miscarry again. He said that if my Gyn didn't want to monitor my progesterone, he would do it for me. LOVE HIM!
Next up ... GYN tomorrow. Yeah!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Two Faced
So after my last post I decided that it is due time that I stop being 2 different people. My blogger friends know me. They know the raw, angry, bitter, jealous me. They know my deep hurts, they know my struggles, they know it all. For better or worse - you all know me better than probably anyone in real life.
I decided that it just isn't fair. It isn't fair to my husband, it isn't fair to my IRL friends and it certainly isn't fair to myself. The fact is, I need people IRL to love me, accept me for who I am and support me through my dark moments and through the good ones too. They need to see the paint that infertility has caused, they need to see how this has changed me from the person I once was to the person I am today.
Being 2 different people certainly isn't fair to my IRL friends, it makes it harder for them to know what I need. It makes it harder for them because they don't really know me. They don't know how it makes me cringe when they talk about their pregnant friends, they don't know how much it hurts me to hear how their morning sickness is kicking their ass, they don't know that saying "maybe you should relax, what about donor egg, have you thought about using a surrogate?" absolutely makes me want to wretch - after I punch a wall. They don't know this because I have never told them. I always just stuff my feelings down, smile and nod, put on a good show and wait until later when I am by myself to fall apart. Or I wait till I can get to my computer so I can pour my heart out to you all.
It most definitely isn't fair to Pace. In the beginning, I was very candid about my feelings. He knew that having a baby consumed my thoughts 24/7 - I had no problem telling him that. He knew that all of my Internet time was spent researching and educating myself. I cried to him, I screamed, I punched things and he supported me. Then time marched on.
After my miscarriage last August, Pace saw me at my worst. He saw the raw me, crumpled up, broken, unable to eat, unwilling to get out of bed, angry, pitiful, desolate, cold, lost me. I didn't have the energy to put on a show, I couldn't pretend I was ok for anyone else. I just was.
Since then I have become more censored. After four years of this shit, I know Pace is tired of seeing me cry, he is tired of seeing me hurt, he is tired of the anger, jealousy and fear. I know he loves me dearly and he is just such a wonderful man, but he knows that we need a life outside of IF too. So I try to put on a happy face. He deserves to have the woman he married back. The fun girl, the partier, the spontaneous woman he fell in love with. I just can't be that person right now. Maybe someday, but not right now.
However, in the meantime - he deserves to at least have his wife. I have become so secluded from him, from everyone. It is my defense mechanism, it is my survival technique - it is crap. It is lonely, it is depressing and it is doing absolutely no good.
So I'm going to try my damnedest to just be honest, be true to who I am and be candid. I didn't realize how bad I was until my dear friend pointed out to me today that she wants to be here for me, but I push her away. She doesn't know how to be my friend because I don't allow her (or anyone) to see the real me. How dreadfully unfair.
So first off, I think I am going to talk to my mom and get her advice on the "sister trip" Honestly, it pisses me off that my sisters haven't thought "hmmmmm it might be hard for Nichole to be around us and our newborn babies, especially since if her baby hadn't died, she would have a newborn too - maybe we should leave the kids elsewhere." It really pisses me off that I have to be the one to say "ummmm no thanks." My mom knows all of us so well, I know she knows that I have been hiding, but then again, she knows that is how I usually deal with things. I just need her advice - I hope she understands, I hope the conversation goes well, I am always nervous talking to my mom about this stuff - I never know what her reaction will be.
Whew....that was a long one
INFERTILITY SUCKS!
I decided that it just isn't fair. It isn't fair to my husband, it isn't fair to my IRL friends and it certainly isn't fair to myself. The fact is, I need people IRL to love me, accept me for who I am and support me through my dark moments and through the good ones too. They need to see the paint that infertility has caused, they need to see how this has changed me from the person I once was to the person I am today.
Being 2 different people certainly isn't fair to my IRL friends, it makes it harder for them to know what I need. It makes it harder for them because they don't really know me. They don't know how it makes me cringe when they talk about their pregnant friends, they don't know how much it hurts me to hear how their morning sickness is kicking their ass, they don't know that saying "maybe you should relax, what about donor egg, have you thought about using a surrogate?" absolutely makes me want to wretch - after I punch a wall. They don't know this because I have never told them. I always just stuff my feelings down, smile and nod, put on a good show and wait until later when I am by myself to fall apart. Or I wait till I can get to my computer so I can pour my heart out to you all.
It most definitely isn't fair to Pace. In the beginning, I was very candid about my feelings. He knew that having a baby consumed my thoughts 24/7 - I had no problem telling him that. He knew that all of my Internet time was spent researching and educating myself. I cried to him, I screamed, I punched things and he supported me. Then time marched on.
After my miscarriage last August, Pace saw me at my worst. He saw the raw me, crumpled up, broken, unable to eat, unwilling to get out of bed, angry, pitiful, desolate, cold, lost me. I didn't have the energy to put on a show, I couldn't pretend I was ok for anyone else. I just was.
Since then I have become more censored. After four years of this shit, I know Pace is tired of seeing me cry, he is tired of seeing me hurt, he is tired of the anger, jealousy and fear. I know he loves me dearly and he is just such a wonderful man, but he knows that we need a life outside of IF too. So I try to put on a happy face. He deserves to have the woman he married back. The fun girl, the partier, the spontaneous woman he fell in love with. I just can't be that person right now. Maybe someday, but not right now.
However, in the meantime - he deserves to at least have his wife. I have become so secluded from him, from everyone. It is my defense mechanism, it is my survival technique - it is crap. It is lonely, it is depressing and it is doing absolutely no good.
So I'm going to try my damnedest to just be honest, be true to who I am and be candid. I didn't realize how bad I was until my dear friend pointed out to me today that she wants to be here for me, but I push her away. She doesn't know how to be my friend because I don't allow her (or anyone) to see the real me. How dreadfully unfair.
So first off, I think I am going to talk to my mom and get her advice on the "sister trip" Honestly, it pisses me off that my sisters haven't thought "hmmmmm it might be hard for Nichole to be around us and our newborn babies, especially since if her baby hadn't died, she would have a newborn too - maybe we should leave the kids elsewhere." It really pisses me off that I have to be the one to say "ummmm no thanks." My mom knows all of us so well, I know she knows that I have been hiding, but then again, she knows that is how I usually deal with things. I just need her advice - I hope she understands, I hope the conversation goes well, I am always nervous talking to my mom about this stuff - I never know what her reaction will be.
Whew....that was a long one
INFERTILITY SUCKS!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Shopping...
Before I share my thoughts on shopping, I wanted to update on the Walk of Hope from Sunday. Unfortunately we did not win the IVF. In fact we didn't win anything. I was/am very dissppointed and frustrated. I knew that "free" was the only way we were probably ever going to do IVF, so I really had my hopes up - stupid me!
There were a lot of kids at the Walk. I knew that there would be people there that were "resolved" (they already have their kids) but I really had no idea how many kids would really be there. It was tough and awkward and just plain difficult. I did get some good information on adoption there as well as some "naturopathic" treatments that seem interesting.
Ever since Sunday I have been in a total funk. I know part of it has to do with the fact that I caught a cold, or horrible allergies, or laryngitis, or something like that. But the main part of it is I just feel stuck. I am currently on CD58 - yep you read that right 5.8. I am just so damn frustrated. My cycles were "average" for the last year up until my surgery in January and now they are all screwed up again. I feel like I am right back to square one and I could just f'ing scream! I have 2 dr. appt.s next week so we can try to figure out what is going on, but I am not getting my hopes up for any answers. It seems no one has the answer, no one knows what to do for me, and the treatments that may work...we absolutely can not afford.
I digress...back to the title of my blog. This was a total revelation for me last night.
I was sitting on the couch and Pace was next to me on the laptop doing some online (window shopping) It hit me how different we really are. When I am on the computer, I am shopping the following:
Pregnancy tests
Ovulation tests
Infertility books
Infertility blogs
Infertility chat rooms
Infertility doctors
Accupuncturists
Infertility support groups
Infertility success stories
Miscarriage information
PCOS information
Endometriosis information
Clo.mid research
Adoption agencies
Adoption success stories
and the list goes on and on and on...
However, when Pace shops...he shops
Wheels for the trucks
Qua.ds
Dirt Bikes
Headlights for the trucks
Winches (not of the lady type, but of the pull Jee.ps out of the mud with his Toy.ota type)
House projects
Toy Haul.ers
RV's
Swimming pool accessories
Big Scre.en TV's
Do you see what is happening here? Do you see the difference? I know that MOST husbands shop and dream of this stuff, but sometiems I wish he would just goo.gle Infertility or just do some research on his own. I have felt very distant from him lately and I think most of it is me, my feelings are hurt, my feelings are tired and my feelings are just so sick of feeling.
I started reading a book last night that was written by a fellow blogger and was given to me by makingmemom (THANK YOU - I LOVE IT!) In this book she gives pointers to "friends of infertiles" one of her pieces of advice is to "do research on your friends diagnosis (or lack thereof) educate yourself on their disease so when they need to talk to you, you have a basic understanding of what they are saying." When I first read it, I thought, "wow, I wouldn't expect my friends to educate themselves on infertility, I think that is kind of an arrogant thing to say" however, this morning it struck me. When my friend was diagnosed with a neurological disease the first thing I did was jump on Web.MD and do research to educate myself. When my neice was born with downs syndrome, I did research, when my nephew had knee surgery, I did research, when my friend went in to have the lap band procedure done, I did research. I did the research because I love these people and I want to know what they are going through - why wouldn't I expect people to do the same for me?
Which brings me back to Pace. I know that I have diarrahea of the mouth when it comes to IF, and he knows a lot about it because I talk about it so damn much, but it would absolutely mean the world to me if one day he came home and said "Honey, I was doing some research and found this dr/treatment/prayer/adoption agency that I think we should look into."
Just once... I don't expect him to jump on the IF bandwagon because honestly, I have set up permanent residency and there just isn't room for both of us.
Not only do I want this from my husband, but I want this from my close friends and family as well. I don't want them to be scared to talk to me, to ask me questions, or even offer suggestions (real suggestions not like - have more faith or relax or crap like that) but real suggestions like, hey I came across this Dr.'s information and they specialize in IF - just thought you may be interested or something like that.
I know that right now being my husband and being my friend isn't easy. I am not that pleasant to be around, I am not that affectionate, I am not that happy, I am very sensitive, and overall just kind of a crap person right now, but I know this will pass and I will break through and get back to the happier Nichole. I just need friends and family to hold out until then.
There were a lot of kids at the Walk. I knew that there would be people there that were "resolved" (they already have their kids) but I really had no idea how many kids would really be there. It was tough and awkward and just plain difficult. I did get some good information on adoption there as well as some "naturopathic" treatments that seem interesting.
Ever since Sunday I have been in a total funk. I know part of it has to do with the fact that I caught a cold, or horrible allergies, or laryngitis, or something like that. But the main part of it is I just feel stuck. I am currently on CD58 - yep you read that right 5.8. I am just so damn frustrated. My cycles were "average" for the last year up until my surgery in January and now they are all screwed up again. I feel like I am right back to square one and I could just f'ing scream! I have 2 dr. appt.s next week so we can try to figure out what is going on, but I am not getting my hopes up for any answers. It seems no one has the answer, no one knows what to do for me, and the treatments that may work...we absolutely can not afford.
I digress...back to the title of my blog. This was a total revelation for me last night.
I was sitting on the couch and Pace was next to me on the laptop doing some online (window shopping) It hit me how different we really are. When I am on the computer, I am shopping the following:
Pregnancy tests
Ovulation tests
Infertility books
Infertility blogs
Infertility chat rooms
Infertility doctors
Accupuncturists
Infertility support groups
Infertility success stories
Miscarriage information
PCOS information
Endometriosis information
Clo.mid research
Adoption agencies
Adoption success stories
and the list goes on and on and on...
However, when Pace shops...he shops
Wheels for the trucks
Qua.ds
Dirt Bikes
Headlights for the trucks
Winches (not of the lady type, but of the pull Jee.ps out of the mud with his Toy.ota type)
House projects
Toy Haul.ers
RV's
Swimming pool accessories
Big Scre.en TV's
Do you see what is happening here? Do you see the difference? I know that MOST husbands shop and dream of this stuff, but sometiems I wish he would just goo.gle Infertility or just do some research on his own. I have felt very distant from him lately and I think most of it is me, my feelings are hurt, my feelings are tired and my feelings are just so sick of feeling.
I started reading a book last night that was written by a fellow blogger and was given to me by makingmemom (THANK YOU - I LOVE IT!) In this book she gives pointers to "friends of infertiles" one of her pieces of advice is to "do research on your friends diagnosis (or lack thereof) educate yourself on their disease so when they need to talk to you, you have a basic understanding of what they are saying." When I first read it, I thought, "wow, I wouldn't expect my friends to educate themselves on infertility, I think that is kind of an arrogant thing to say" however, this morning it struck me. When my friend was diagnosed with a neurological disease the first thing I did was jump on Web.MD and do research to educate myself. When my neice was born with downs syndrome, I did research, when my nephew had knee surgery, I did research, when my friend went in to have the lap band procedure done, I did research. I did the research because I love these people and I want to know what they are going through - why wouldn't I expect people to do the same for me?
Which brings me back to Pace. I know that I have diarrahea of the mouth when it comes to IF, and he knows a lot about it because I talk about it so damn much, but it would absolutely mean the world to me if one day he came home and said "Honey, I was doing some research and found this dr/treatment/prayer/adoption agency that I think we should look into."
Just once... I don't expect him to jump on the IF bandwagon because honestly, I have set up permanent residency and there just isn't room for both of us.
Not only do I want this from my husband, but I want this from my close friends and family as well. I don't want them to be scared to talk to me, to ask me questions, or even offer suggestions (real suggestions not like - have more faith or relax or crap like that) but real suggestions like, hey I came across this Dr.'s information and they specialize in IF - just thought you may be interested or something like that.
I know that right now being my husband and being my friend isn't easy. I am not that pleasant to be around, I am not that affectionate, I am not that happy, I am very sensitive, and overall just kind of a crap person right now, but I know this will pass and I will break through and get back to the happier Nichole. I just need friends and family to hold out until then.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Walk of Hope
By dear blogsters (blog sisters) :-)
Pace and I are walking in the Walk of Hope tomorrow. This is an annual local event that is put on by RE.SOLVE. This will be our first year walking and they have some pretty amazing "door prizes" The main prize - A FREE IVF!
I am really trying not to put too much hope into winning this prize, and there are certainly other women out there that could probably use it better, but it is a little exciting to know that IF we win this prize...we may actually have a shot.
Please be praying for us if you are of the praying type tomorrow - not to win the IVF, but to find peace among fellow infertiles, to be able to use our journey to encourage and strengthen others and to find hope from those who are "resolved."
Tomorrow is going to be an emotional day, but I am so looking forward to it. I am so excited to meet other women in my community that have the same heartache and pain that I do. And honestly...I am REALLY hoping that Pace will meet a really cool guy or two that he would want to hang out with. It would be nice to have more IRL IF friends.
Have a great weekend blogsters...I will update you all either tomorrow or Monday on how the walk went and hopefully with some pics!
Pace and I are walking in the Walk of Hope tomorrow. This is an annual local event that is put on by RE.SOLVE. This will be our first year walking and they have some pretty amazing "door prizes" The main prize - A FREE IVF!
I am really trying not to put too much hope into winning this prize, and there are certainly other women out there that could probably use it better, but it is a little exciting to know that IF we win this prize...we may actually have a shot.
Please be praying for us if you are of the praying type tomorrow - not to win the IVF, but to find peace among fellow infertiles, to be able to use our journey to encourage and strengthen others and to find hope from those who are "resolved."
Tomorrow is going to be an emotional day, but I am so looking forward to it. I am so excited to meet other women in my community that have the same heartache and pain that I do. And honestly...I am REALLY hoping that Pace will meet a really cool guy or two that he would want to hang out with. It would be nice to have more IRL IF friends.
Have a great weekend blogsters...I will update you all either tomorrow or Monday on how the walk went and hopefully with some pics!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Our Easter Sunday
I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for all of your supportive words over the last couple of days - not only regarding the SIL situation, but also for the tough day we were facing. A few of you expressed concern that I would begin censoring myself because of the situation with SIL and I can assure you I will not. What I will do however, is consider my words more carefully and make sure that what I am trying to say is what I am actually writing.
Who would have thought that these prickly buggers could produce such pretty flowers?
This will be our final destination - this was taken right before the hike got kind of steep.
Floating towards the heavens - I love you Baby Becker - I miss you dearly and wish so badly I could have had you in my arms for Easter. Mommy and Daddy love you so much and will never forget you - you will always be our first love!
Pace and I went to church Saturday night instead of going on Sunday which was perfect. There were almost NO children there and it was just an amazing service.
Sunday morning we woke up, had breakfast and put on our hiking clothes. We filled up our camel packs, laced up our tennis shoes, threw on some sunscreen and away we went. The mountain we ended up hiking is actually like 15 minutes away from our house and the views were AMAZING! The desert is in bloom right now and I was able to get some amazing pictures while we were out there.
This is the first time Pace and I have been hiking together, so we weren't sure where the trail we were on was going to take us. We knew it would eventually take us to the top, but we had no idea how we would get to the top, or how long it would take...but we followed. Kind of like the trail of infertility we are on - we know that eventually we will be "resolved" however we have no idea how we are going to get resolved or how long it will take, we just have to keep walking.
We received a wonderful gift from Sarah's Laughter a few months ago. It is a butterfly bag for those mourning the loss of a child. Inside this bag there were 3 white balloons and a packet of Forget-Me-Not flower seeds. We divided the seeds up between the three balloons and had them filled with helium before our hike.
Here is Pace and I at the beginning of our hike
The first picture I took while I was on our hike was of this amazing saguaro cactus. These are everywhere in Southern AZ, but this one in particular caught my eye. The view looking up into the clouds was just amazing.
Who would have thought that these prickly buggers could produce such pretty flowers?
This will be our final destination - this was taken right before the hike got kind of steep.
Pace getting ready to release the balloons from the top of our hike.
Floating towards the heavens - I love you Baby Becker - I miss you dearly and wish so badly I could have had you in my arms for Easter. Mommy and Daddy love you so much and will never forget you - you will always be our first love!
The view on the way back down the mountain
Do you know one of my favorite things about this hike. No kids...No pregnant women. I think I have finally found a place where I can go to get away and I mean really get away. I found such peace emotionally, spiritually and physically being out in this beautiful state that I live in enjoying my wonderful husband and everything that my eyes can take in.
Pace and I decided that this would be our Easter tradition...balloons and all. Whether we end up ever having children or not, this will be our day to celebrate our angel baby and no one can take that from us!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Being Convicted
My fellow bloggers, I need to apologize. I need to apologize to not only all of you, but especially my Ex-sister-in-law and myself as well.
My ex-SIL read my previous blog. I had no idea she read my blog in the first place, but that isn't the point. The point is, it was shallow and unfair of me to describe her in the way I did. I hurt her feelings, made her very upset and rightfully so. I love to write, this blog has given me the opportunity to vent my frustrations to people that "get it" and I cherish that. However, I never meant to hurt anyone and I deeply regret not having the ability to write my last post more eloquently.
Yes, this blog is a place for me to vent, but I did not create this blog to hurt others. I should have been more mindful about what I was writing, who was going to read it and how it was going to be interpreted.
I am not perfect. I am having a very rough time just making it by day to day right now, but that gives me no write to judge someone else. Just as my ex-SIL has never and will never walk in my shoes, I have never and will never walk in hers.
I don't think of myself as a judgemental person, I guess we all are to some degree, but typically I really try not to. The whole IF thing has really put a bitterness in my heart that I never experienced before.
I am thankful I wrote the last blog, I am even more thankful that my ex-SIL read it and called me out on it - and man did she call me out. She let me have it, but I upset her and she had every right to be angry. I am thankful for all of this because it convicted me. It showed me a side of me that I didn't really know I had and a side of me that I DEFINITELY need to work on.
imarriedmrewing - thank you for your comment. I appreciate your honesty, your story, your understanding and most of all the truth. I also appreciate the grace with which you wrote. You made it very clear to me where I had gone wrong without being hurtful.
I am a Christian, but I am even more of a sinner. I have a lot of work to do and this experience has definitely brought that to my attention front and center.
Ex-SIL - I am very sorry for hurting you and upsetting you. You were right - you have never done anything to me and I had no right to write what I wrote about you. You have pretty much raised your son alone with no help from anyone and that takes a strength and determination that not everyone has. I do wish you a very healthy pregnancy, I would never wish any pregnant woman harm. Not you or anyone else. Thank you for your honesty last night even though I feel it was a little harsh, but I thank you non-the-less.
I humbly ask for forgiveness from all of you.
Nichole
My ex-SIL read my previous blog. I had no idea she read my blog in the first place, but that isn't the point. The point is, it was shallow and unfair of me to describe her in the way I did. I hurt her feelings, made her very upset and rightfully so. I love to write, this blog has given me the opportunity to vent my frustrations to people that "get it" and I cherish that. However, I never meant to hurt anyone and I deeply regret not having the ability to write my last post more eloquently.
Yes, this blog is a place for me to vent, but I did not create this blog to hurt others. I should have been more mindful about what I was writing, who was going to read it and how it was going to be interpreted.
I am not perfect. I am having a very rough time just making it by day to day right now, but that gives me no write to judge someone else. Just as my ex-SIL has never and will never walk in my shoes, I have never and will never walk in hers.
I don't think of myself as a judgemental person, I guess we all are to some degree, but typically I really try not to. The whole IF thing has really put a bitterness in my heart that I never experienced before.
I am thankful I wrote the last blog, I am even more thankful that my ex-SIL read it and called me out on it - and man did she call me out. She let me have it, but I upset her and she had every right to be angry. I am thankful for all of this because it convicted me. It showed me a side of me that I didn't really know I had and a side of me that I DEFINITELY need to work on.
imarriedmrewing - thank you for your comment. I appreciate your honesty, your story, your understanding and most of all the truth. I also appreciate the grace with which you wrote. You made it very clear to me where I had gone wrong without being hurtful.
I am a Christian, but I am even more of a sinner. I have a lot of work to do and this experience has definitely brought that to my attention front and center.
Ex-SIL - I am very sorry for hurting you and upsetting you. You were right - you have never done anything to me and I had no right to write what I wrote about you. You have pretty much raised your son alone with no help from anyone and that takes a strength and determination that not everyone has. I do wish you a very healthy pregnancy, I would never wish any pregnant woman harm. Not you or anyone else. Thank you for your honesty last night even though I feel it was a little harsh, but I thank you non-the-less.
I humbly ask for forgiveness from all of you.
Nichole
Thursday, April 09, 2009
I DID IT!
**Edited because my previous post was hurtful and frankly pretty jerky - here is what it should have said.
Tuesday afternoon I found out that my ex-SIL is pregnant. I was DEVASTATED! I was angry, sad, bitter and pissed!
I found out she was pregnant via My.space. She had just taken 2 HPT and posted that she was pg w/ #2 with pictures of the HPT's. Although it would have been nice to hear directly from her that she was pregnant before I was blasted with it on My.space, I also understand her excitement. She is very excited about being pregnant and her My.space is covered in stuff baby and pregnancy related. Totally fine for her - very hurtful to me.
Well, last night was our RE.SOLVE support group meeting and I came to the realization that I really need to be more straightforward to my friends and family about my feelings and emotions. The only people that truly know the emotions of my infertility battle are all of you, one of my co-workers and my husband. After 4 years, I think it is time to break the silence and put my feelings first for once.
So I deleted her. It was my first step in saying "I COME FIRST" from now on. I will no longer put my feelings on the backboard and be a doormat. I will not listen to my pregnant friend CONSTANTLY talk about how sick she feels and how she had no idea how they are going to afford to have this baby. I will be supportive, but she needs to be sensitive to the fact that I would give ANYTHING to feel that crappy.
I sent my SIL a message explaining that I am happy for her and wish her nothing but a wonderful, healthy 9 month pregnancy, but that I had to delete her because it was too hard for me to constantly see pg pictures, posts etc. I am not sure she will understand, she probably won't, but that is ok. I COME FIRST.
Now if I can just figure out how to tell my three sisters that I will not be making it to the sister's trip in June. That is going to be a tough one. (Just so you know, it is not just a trip for the sisters, it is a trip with sister 1, her teenage daughter, sister 2, her 7 year old, 5 year old and 2 month old, sister 3, her 6 year old, her 4 year old, and her one month old...see WHY I can't make the trip now...sigh)
**update: I just got a text back from my ex-SIL It said "I'm sorry nichole:( and I do totally understand. I feel really bad"
Looks like honesty really is the best policy in this case. Thank you God!
Tuesday afternoon I found out that my ex-SIL is pregnant. I was DEVASTATED! I was angry, sad, bitter and pissed!
I found out she was pregnant via My.space. She had just taken 2 HPT and posted that she was pg w/ #2 with pictures of the HPT's. Although it would have been nice to hear directly from her that she was pregnant before I was blasted with it on My.space, I also understand her excitement. She is very excited about being pregnant and her My.space is covered in stuff baby and pregnancy related. Totally fine for her - very hurtful to me.
Well, last night was our RE.SOLVE support group meeting and I came to the realization that I really need to be more straightforward to my friends and family about my feelings and emotions. The only people that truly know the emotions of my infertility battle are all of you, one of my co-workers and my husband. After 4 years, I think it is time to break the silence and put my feelings first for once.
So I deleted her. It was my first step in saying "I COME FIRST" from now on. I will no longer put my feelings on the backboard and be a doormat. I will not listen to my pregnant friend CONSTANTLY talk about how sick she feels and how she had no idea how they are going to afford to have this baby. I will be supportive, but she needs to be sensitive to the fact that I would give ANYTHING to feel that crappy.
I sent my SIL a message explaining that I am happy for her and wish her nothing but a wonderful, healthy 9 month pregnancy, but that I had to delete her because it was too hard for me to constantly see pg pictures, posts etc. I am not sure she will understand, she probably won't, but that is ok. I COME FIRST.
Now if I can just figure out how to tell my three sisters that I will not be making it to the sister's trip in June. That is going to be a tough one. (Just so you know, it is not just a trip for the sisters, it is a trip with sister 1, her teenage daughter, sister 2, her 7 year old, 5 year old and 2 month old, sister 3, her 6 year old, her 4 year old, and her one month old...see WHY I can't make the trip now...sigh)
**update: I just got a text back from my ex-SIL It said "I'm sorry nichole:( and I do totally understand. I feel really bad"
Looks like honesty really is the best policy in this case. Thank you God!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Easter Sunday
I grew up in a large Cath.olic family. Ea.ster was always a BIG deal! New dresses, freshly curled hair, new shoes, colored eggs, new little baskets, chocolate coming out of our ears, 4 days straight of church it was a BIG deal!
Ea.ster is still a big deal to me, but for much different reasons. The story of Ea.ster is amazing, I love the story. It is a story of new hope, new life and eternal salvation. It is a refreshing story and a great reminder of what our Lord did for us. This year however, is a little different for me.
Ea.ster's in the past have been filled with egg coloring, big elaborate meals, family and friends and of course children (obviously not my own). As a little girl I used to take my basket full of colored eggs to church with me and in the middle of the service, the priest would have all of us youngsters come to the front of the church to have our eggs blessed. It was the adults favorite part of the mass because they could "ooh" and "aaah" over the cute little boys all dressed up in their little ties and slacks and the little girls in their ruffles and lace.
A couple of years ago Pace and I hosted an Ea.ster egg hunt and dinner at our house for our friends and family. It was really a lot of fun. It was so cute to see the kids look for the eggs and then we had a contest to see who could roll down the hill in the park the fastest. This year however, is a little different for me.
Pace and I have received many invitations for Ea.ster this year. We were invited to spend it with our friends and their family. We love them and their family! We are part of the family, we always feel so welcome and just love love love them!
I am sure my MIL expects us to do something for them for Ea.ster. All of our previous Ea.ster's have included Pace's little sister, so why should this year be any different? Of course if we planned something, my MIL would find something to be mad at us for and then not show up, or show up 2 hours late. I swear she does that just to pi$$ me off!
We always have an open invitation to go to my sister's house. This is guaranteed to be a good time, my nieces and nephews are in High School now so they are "cool" to hang out with (if you can put up with their teenager attitudes long enough) and my BIL is a lot of fun. The food is always amazing at their house and again, we feel so welcome there. No doubt we would enjoy ourselves there every year. This year however, is a little different for me.
You see, my due date was April 12th, 2009. Ea.ster Sunday of all days of the year was my due date. The date that I should be bringing our beautiful little miracle into the world. So this year I don't think I want to be around anyone on Ea.ster Sunday. My friends and family will have to understand that for once, Pace and I are going to be selfish. We are going to do what WE want to do that day and that will not include any friends or any family. Pace and I talked about it the other night and decided that we were going to do the following on Easter Sunday:
1. Sleep in
2. Talk the dogs for a morning walk
3. Make a nice big breakfast
4. Relax
5. Fill our balloons with the "forget-me-not" flower seeds we got from Sarah's Laughter (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) and have them filled with helium
6. Pack a picnic lunch
7. Go to a nice park or hiking spot somewhere (there are many to choose from)
8. Have our picnic
9. Say a prayer for our angel baby and release our balloons with the seeds in them
10. Dream of where all of the flower seeds are being spread, just like the love we have for our baby, being spread all over the state!
11. Return home and do whatever we want for the remainder of the day.
I am not sure how our friends and family are going to react to this act of self-preservation and frankly they are just going to have to deal with it. This is going to be one of the hardest days of 2009 for me yet and I am not going to push my feelings aside, stuff them down and pretend that everything is ok for the sake of others. Nope - not this year. This year is different for me.
Ea.ster is still a big deal to me, but for much different reasons. The story of Ea.ster is amazing, I love the story. It is a story of new hope, new life and eternal salvation. It is a refreshing story and a great reminder of what our Lord did for us. This year however, is a little different for me.
Ea.ster's in the past have been filled with egg coloring, big elaborate meals, family and friends and of course children (obviously not my own). As a little girl I used to take my basket full of colored eggs to church with me and in the middle of the service, the priest would have all of us youngsters come to the front of the church to have our eggs blessed. It was the adults favorite part of the mass because they could "ooh" and "aaah" over the cute little boys all dressed up in their little ties and slacks and the little girls in their ruffles and lace.
A couple of years ago Pace and I hosted an Ea.ster egg hunt and dinner at our house for our friends and family. It was really a lot of fun. It was so cute to see the kids look for the eggs and then we had a contest to see who could roll down the hill in the park the fastest. This year however, is a little different for me.
Pace and I have received many invitations for Ea.ster this year. We were invited to spend it with our friends and their family. We love them and their family! We are part of the family, we always feel so welcome and just love love love them!
I am sure my MIL expects us to do something for them for Ea.ster. All of our previous Ea.ster's have included Pace's little sister, so why should this year be any different? Of course if we planned something, my MIL would find something to be mad at us for and then not show up, or show up 2 hours late. I swear she does that just to pi$$ me off!
We always have an open invitation to go to my sister's house. This is guaranteed to be a good time, my nieces and nephews are in High School now so they are "cool" to hang out with (if you can put up with their teenager attitudes long enough) and my BIL is a lot of fun. The food is always amazing at their house and again, we feel so welcome there. No doubt we would enjoy ourselves there every year. This year however, is a little different for me.
You see, my due date was April 12th, 2009. Ea.ster Sunday of all days of the year was my due date. The date that I should be bringing our beautiful little miracle into the world. So this year I don't think I want to be around anyone on Ea.ster Sunday. My friends and family will have to understand that for once, Pace and I are going to be selfish. We are going to do what WE want to do that day and that will not include any friends or any family. Pace and I talked about it the other night and decided that we were going to do the following on Easter Sunday:
1. Sleep in
2. Talk the dogs for a morning walk
3. Make a nice big breakfast
4. Relax
5. Fill our balloons with the "forget-me-not" flower seeds we got from Sarah's Laughter (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) and have them filled with helium
6. Pack a picnic lunch
7. Go to a nice park or hiking spot somewhere (there are many to choose from)
8. Have our picnic
9. Say a prayer for our angel baby and release our balloons with the seeds in them
10. Dream of where all of the flower seeds are being spread, just like the love we have for our baby, being spread all over the state!
11. Return home and do whatever we want for the remainder of the day.
I am not sure how our friends and family are going to react to this act of self-preservation and frankly they are just going to have to deal with it. This is going to be one of the hardest days of 2009 for me yet and I am not going to push my feelings aside, stuff them down and pretend that everything is ok for the sake of others. Nope - not this year. This year is different for me.
Back with a plan
Well friends, I am back. I am still a little uncertain of our future, but I am back. Pace and I had a nice long talk over the weekend about where we are and where we will go from here. I have really been thinking about just quiting it all to be honest with you. I am tired of the Dr. appointments, I am tired of peeing on things, I am tired of getting crushed every month, I am tired of feeling depressed and most of all I am tired of missing out on life.
Our talk was so amazing. He is really starting to "get it". We are on the same page, which is WONDERFUL! I just can't believe how much closer we are to each other now than we were even a year ago. I think our angel baby has a lot to do with that!
So Pace and I both shared our current feelings and thoughts on our infertility path, and we came to an agreement. So now we have a plan. A plan that is always subject to change of course, but a plan non-the-less. I have a Dr. appt. this month (although Dr. P pretty much told me that I would be pg, so I wouldn't need the appt. HA!). At this appt. I am going to tell the Dr. which route we are going to take. I am currently waiting on AF to show her ugly face, and as soon as she does, I am starting Clo.mid. If AF shows before my Dr. appt, I will tell my Dr. at that time that I am on Clo.mid and he can like it or lump it.
We will do 3 months of Clo.mid if my mental stability can take it. After that, we are going to be done for a while. I will take a leave of absence and try to save money for IUI's again. I don't know how long my leave will be, but we will just take as long as we need to I guess.
Ever since our first RE.SO.LVE meeting last month, I have really been thinking about our options. I have really been considering just living childless. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me too, but I am just done with all the heartache. I don't think I could be childless forever, but maybe 5 or 10 years, and then we could adopt. In the meantime we could save up money for adoption, and spend a lot of money on ourselves. Let's face it, infertility and children are expensive! Maybe I will just supplement my grief of not having a child into some major retail therapy - that would be my way of "sticking it to the man" LOL
So here i sit on CD37 waiting for AF to start so I can move forward and get the show on the road!
Our talk was so amazing. He is really starting to "get it". We are on the same page, which is WONDERFUL! I just can't believe how much closer we are to each other now than we were even a year ago. I think our angel baby has a lot to do with that!
So Pace and I both shared our current feelings and thoughts on our infertility path, and we came to an agreement. So now we have a plan. A plan that is always subject to change of course, but a plan non-the-less. I have a Dr. appt. this month (although Dr. P pretty much told me that I would be pg, so I wouldn't need the appt. HA!). At this appt. I am going to tell the Dr. which route we are going to take. I am currently waiting on AF to show her ugly face, and as soon as she does, I am starting Clo.mid. If AF shows before my Dr. appt, I will tell my Dr. at that time that I am on Clo.mid and he can like it or lump it.
We will do 3 months of Clo.mid if my mental stability can take it. After that, we are going to be done for a while. I will take a leave of absence and try to save money for IUI's again. I don't know how long my leave will be, but we will just take as long as we need to I guess.
Ever since our first RE.SO.LVE meeting last month, I have really been thinking about our options. I have really been considering just living childless. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me too, but I am just done with all the heartache. I don't think I could be childless forever, but maybe 5 or 10 years, and then we could adopt. In the meantime we could save up money for adoption, and spend a lot of money on ourselves. Let's face it, infertility and children are expensive! Maybe I will just supplement my grief of not having a child into some major retail therapy - that would be my way of "sticking it to the man" LOL
So here i sit on CD37 waiting for AF to start so I can move forward and get the show on the road!
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