Today marks 4 years of marriage to my husband. We have been through so much in the last 4 years, but I looked at him this morning and felt closer to him than I ever have.
We are watching his little sister (she's 3) this week while her mom is out of town at work. Last night I was at the kitchen table working on signs for our church's 4th Annual Car Show (kind of ironic isn't it?) that is this weekend. I had his sister next to me coloring on her own paper and Pace came in, sat beside her and colored with her for about a half an hour. He didn't just color with her, he took time to teach her how to draw shapes and then color them in while staying within the lines. They drew circles, squares, triangles and rectangles. I watched them for a while and admired him for his patience and I got a glimpse of what a wonderful father he is going to be. And I fell in love even more.
Later in the evening he read her a bedtime story and tucked her in. And I fell in love even more.
Today is so bitter sweet. I have cried off and on for a multitude of reasons.
*I have cried tears of joy. Joy for how far Pace and I have come and the wonderful marriage that we have. I thank God for the wonderful man he brought into my life. He is not only my husband, he is my partner and my best friend.
*I have cried tears of frustration. I spoke to God this morning. Something I haven't really done since my miscarriage. I told Him that I wasn't mad at Him but that I felt like I was broken. I was confused and I wasn't sure who to turn to. I told Him that I felt like He had let me down and that the miscarriage was a cruel thing to do. I told Him that I was weary and I did not know what He wanted me to do or where He wanted me to go. Then I told Him that I trust Him. I love Him and I know that He loves me. I told Him that I wanted to return to church, but that I needed His help. I need comfort and I need to know that if I break down and cry the entire service, then that is ok.
*I have cried tears of sadness. Sadness for the baby that should still be in my belly but instead is tattooed on my back. The baby that we should be decorating a nursery for right now, and scheduling baby showers for and that we should be able to feel kicking in my belly. The baby that we so dearly loved, that we waited so long for and that we continue to grieve for. How different today would be if I was still pregnant. How different everything would be.
My friends and co-worker loaned me a book last week called "Sisterchicks" by an author I have never heard of and honestly, I couldn't tell you her name now. I love reading, and I was excited to have a new read. This book has totally surprised me! The book if obviously written by a Christian woman, there are bible verses quoted in it and really tells the story of two women who go off to Finland with no real plans, only to rely on God and what he provides for them. Boy does He provide. This book has really watered that seed inside me that yearns for that relationship I used to have with Him. It is an EXCELLENT book! My friend that loaned it to me does not attend church. She believes that God and Jesus exist, but her "faith" pretty much stops there. I can't wait for her to read this book and give me her feedback - maybe it will water the seed in her as well!
Overall I am in a good space today. I am at work (obviously not working teehee) and can not wait to spend the evening with my dear, sweet husband and his beautiful little sister!
Bec - I wanted to shout out to you and thank you so much for your comment. It is amazing how we live on opposite sides of the world, but I feel that you get me and more times than not, your comments bring tears to my eyes. Thank you my friend for being so good to me!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Long update
I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written. I'm not sure why I haven't written - just haven't really been motivated I guess. So I have a lot to blog about.
I got my tattoo and I love it! I am so glad I finally did it! The pictures are a little rough because of the flash, but here is a basic idea.
Here is one literally seconds after he finished:
I got my tattoo and I love it! I am so glad I finally did it! The pictures are a little rough because of the flash, but here is a basic idea.
Here is one literally seconds after he finished:
And here is one Pace took today - it is all healed up. Keep in mind I did adjust the color to try and get the shine to go away but it is kind of blurry and there is quite a bit of shine still.
The pictures really don't do it justice, I will try to get a better picture soon.
Last weekend Pace and I took his little sister (she's 3) to a cabin up North with our friends and their 2 year old son. It was awesome! We played in the snow, we went sledding, we played pool, we played Mad Gab and just had an awesome time. The weather was beautiful and I can't wait to go back again!
On the "Still TTC Front"
Last Thursday the cramps started. I tested Friday morning at 14DPO *negative*. I was ok, after all that just meant that I could have some drinks on our weekend away and I didn't really have a lot of hope anyway since I ovulated so late. The cramps were fairly intense over the entire weekend, but AF never showed. This is really weird for me because usually literally minutes after the cramps start, AF shows her ugly face. Not this time though. I wasn't going to complain though - that was one less thing I had to worry about over the weekend.
*TMI ahead warning READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*
Sunday night Pace and I did a little BDing *wink wink* that is when I fell apart. Immediately after I got the WORSE cramps! The kind of cramps that make you HATE being a woman. The kind of cramps that no woman, no matter how spiteful she may be would EVER wish upon her worse enemy! They hit me like a freight train. They were so bad I was curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor crying hysterically. Poor Pace he felt totally helpless. The cramps got so intense I actually started throwing up.
I have had cramps like this before, not in a long time, but I had them before but I was so mad this time cause I thought that the surgery would make my periods better...not worse. The vomiting eventually turned into dry heaving and after about 20 minutes the cramps subsided. I went to bed, got up and went to work yesterday - nothing. No AF.
All that cramping for nothing. This was really starting to freak me out. I had some typical cramping last night, but nothing major, went to bed, got up and went to work this morning - again...nothing.
Then after being at work for an hour. The horrible-God-please-take-me-now cramps returned. I ended up balled up on the bathroom floor dry heaving at WORK! There she was in all of her Glory - AF. Finally you stupid wench, what did I do to piss you off SO much that you would put me through all of this?
I toughed it out for about another hour until I just couldn't take it any longer. The pain was so bad I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I told my boss I needed to go home and bawled all the way home. Those cramps stuck with me for about 3 and a half hours and have been off and on all day since then.
I hear you asking - Nichole why didn't you take anything? I did...I have taken Mi.dol, Al.eve, Ty.lenol you name it, I have taken it and have taken more than the recommended amount.
So here I sit...CD1. This Thursday marks 4 years. Four years of being married to the most wonderful husband I could have ever asked for and 4 years of trying to start our family. Very bitter sweet.
So that is the update in a nutshell on me. I thought you all would think this is cute: Pace's little sister saw my tattoo while we were camping this weekend and she said "I like your stamp" I said "Thank you - do you know who it is?" She replied, "Yep...it's baby Jesus...he's sleeping"
Priceless!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Sleep makes things better
Many of you have asked how I am holding up. I am doing much better today. Pace and I resolved our differences, I got some sleep last night and am in much better spirits.
Honestly, I felt like crap yesterday. I felt like the worst person and worst sister ever. Here my sister was celebrating the birth of her new baby and I was sad. I was happy for her, but very sad for me. This is her second child during the time that we have been trying for one and I was sad yesterday. That made me feel even worse.
What kind of a sister is sad about her sister's new baby? What kind of person have I become? What kind of sister have I become? So that just sent me even lower. This morning however, I woke up feeling different. I felt like I had a little bit of clarification. I was sad yesterday because I was grieving. I was realizing that I should be getting ready to give birth in 2 months. I should be big and fat and pregnant and preparing my own birth plan. But I'm not. I wasn't sad that my sister had a baby, I was sad that mine was no longer here.
Truth be told, I am estatic for both of my sisters. They are both wonderful mothers and the world definately needs more good mothers out there. They are both able to stay home with their kids, they are both financially stable, and VERY deserving.
I threw my pity party last night, and now I am over it. Instead I am diving into other things. I am trying not to think about being in the 2WW. I am keeping myself busy at work, reading a lot of books, spending lots of time with friends and just trying to get through the next 2 weeks without freaking out and without looking into any symptoms.
I saw pics of my new little nephew and he is adorable! He looks exactly like his brothers and sisters.
Also - I have oficially decided that I can't watch P.riva.te Pr.actice anymore. Everyone sleeping with each other, horribly parenting, badly depicted fertility treatments, it is all just too much. I still love Gr.ey's An.atomy and will continue watching that.
Honestly, I felt like crap yesterday. I felt like the worst person and worst sister ever. Here my sister was celebrating the birth of her new baby and I was sad. I was happy for her, but very sad for me. This is her second child during the time that we have been trying for one and I was sad yesterday. That made me feel even worse.
What kind of a sister is sad about her sister's new baby? What kind of person have I become? What kind of sister have I become? So that just sent me even lower. This morning however, I woke up feeling different. I felt like I had a little bit of clarification. I was sad yesterday because I was grieving. I was realizing that I should be getting ready to give birth in 2 months. I should be big and fat and pregnant and preparing my own birth plan. But I'm not. I wasn't sad that my sister had a baby, I was sad that mine was no longer here.
Truth be told, I am estatic for both of my sisters. They are both wonderful mothers and the world definately needs more good mothers out there. They are both able to stay home with their kids, they are both financially stable, and VERY deserving.
I threw my pity party last night, and now I am over it. Instead I am diving into other things. I am trying not to think about being in the 2WW. I am keeping myself busy at work, reading a lot of books, spending lots of time with friends and just trying to get through the next 2 weeks without freaking out and without looking into any symptoms.
I saw pics of my new little nephew and he is adorable! He looks exactly like his brothers and sisters.
Also - I have oficially decided that I can't watch P.riva.te Pr.actice anymore. Everyone sleeping with each other, horribly parenting, badly depicted fertility treatments, it is all just too much. I still love Gr.ey's An.atomy and will continue watching that.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Here we go - Round One
I just got the text. My sister is on her way to the hospital. Gonna be a rough day.
Slept 2 hours last night
Fought with Pace this morning
Sister is in labor
I'm exhausted... Gonna be a long day
I will soon know whether I have a new niece or a new nephew!
Slept 2 hours last night
Fought with Pace this morning
Sister is in labor
I'm exhausted... Gonna be a long day
I will soon know whether I have a new niece or a new nephew!
Monday, February 09, 2009
What a weekend!
I had a fabulous weekend! It started out Friday night with a Rock Band concert in my living room with our best friends and Pace and I starring! It was a blast! We had Pace's little sister all weekend so she got to play with our friend's son and they are just so cute together! It kind of made me sad because I so wish that we had a child to play with their son, since we have been friends we have dreamed of our kids growing up together - we better hurry up and get pregnant, cause their son (and Pace's sister) are growing too fast!
Saturday afternoon Pace and I went tattoo shopping. (Well, more like tattoo shop/artist shopping I already know what tattoo I want done) It was quite an experience. I have never been in a tattoo shop, so it really was interesting. We went to 3 different shops and had 3 very different experiences.
The first one was a really nice shop however the guy that worked there was not so nice. He was obviously high on something and was very vulgar. He asked Pace if he really thought it was a good idea to have that tattooed on my back cause it might spoil it for him during sex. *nice*
The second one was an "ok" shop. The inside was really small, it was clean but they were playing heavy death metal music that gave me a headache instantly. The tattoo artist I talked to however was VERY nice and seemed like he really wanted to do my tattoo. I wasn't sure I would be able to sit and listen to that music for 2+ hours though.
The third shop was perfect. It was clean, VERY professional, pornography free and everyone was so nice there. This is the same one that my husband's best friend recommended, so ... I took the plunge. I put the deposit down and am scheduled to go in on Friday evening. I will post pictures of it when it is done.
Saturday night we went over to our friend's house and planned our joint anniversary trip. They also got married in February so we decided to rent a cabin for the weekend up North in AZ and celebrate our anniversaries together. The have sleds, so we are going to head up to the mountains and have a play weekend in the snow. I am so excited we have reserved the most beautiful cabin and we are just going to have the best time!
My sister is at the dr. right now. She still hasn't gone into labor and she is hopeful that the dr. will induce her on Wednesday if she hasn't gone already. I am getting really excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl. My parents leave on Thursday to spend a week with her.
Sunday Pace went riding with a group of like 15 guys ( a combination of quads and dirt bikes) of course it was raining here so he came home covered in mud but with the hugest smile on his face. He totally reminded me of a little boy playing in the mud and stuffing frogs in his pockets. He was in heaven. He was nice enough to wash my truck since it was covered in mud, but he didn't get the trailer and his quad done, so I think I will wash the trailer and quad tonight as a surprise for him.
Sunday night we went to my sisters house and played Wii - it was SO MUCH FUN!!!! They have Wii fit and a couple of other games and I just had a blast. I am sore this morning from the Wii fit (that doesn't really say much I am REALLY out of shape) I definitely want to get one now!
I FINALLY ovulated on Saturday! I am not holding out a lot of hope since it is SO late in my cycle to be ovulating, but at least I ovulated. I think either way I will be ok this cycle, if it is negative I will just focus on the next month and know that we are that much closer to being pregnant now than we were a year ago...or four years ago for that matter.
I thank God for that!
I appreciate everyones support in regards to the "anonymous" blogger that I posted about previously. I actually know this person and I used to consider her a friend. We had a falling out and instead of letting us both go our own ways she continues to try and hurt me anyway she can. I'm not letting her get to me though - actually the more she tries to hurt me the more I am sad for her. I just wanted to let you all know that it wasn't some stranger from cyber space, it was someone who I considered close to me. Someone that I trusted in my home, in my life and I invited her to read my blog. I know that by blogging about something so personal, we are all kind of opening ourselves up to people like her and so I want to thank you all for your support and for going out on a limb with me so that I can read your stories and be comforted in the fact that I am not alone.
*HUGS*
Saturday afternoon Pace and I went tattoo shopping. (Well, more like tattoo shop/artist shopping I already know what tattoo I want done) It was quite an experience. I have never been in a tattoo shop, so it really was interesting. We went to 3 different shops and had 3 very different experiences.
The first one was a really nice shop however the guy that worked there was not so nice. He was obviously high on something and was very vulgar. He asked Pace if he really thought it was a good idea to have that tattooed on my back cause it might spoil it for him during sex. *nice*
The second one was an "ok" shop. The inside was really small, it was clean but they were playing heavy death metal music that gave me a headache instantly. The tattoo artist I talked to however was VERY nice and seemed like he really wanted to do my tattoo. I wasn't sure I would be able to sit and listen to that music for 2+ hours though.
The third shop was perfect. It was clean, VERY professional, pornography free and everyone was so nice there. This is the same one that my husband's best friend recommended, so ... I took the plunge. I put the deposit down and am scheduled to go in on Friday evening. I will post pictures of it when it is done.
Saturday night we went over to our friend's house and planned our joint anniversary trip. They also got married in February so we decided to rent a cabin for the weekend up North in AZ and celebrate our anniversaries together. The have sleds, so we are going to head up to the mountains and have a play weekend in the snow. I am so excited we have reserved the most beautiful cabin and we are just going to have the best time!
My sister is at the dr. right now. She still hasn't gone into labor and she is hopeful that the dr. will induce her on Wednesday if she hasn't gone already. I am getting really excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl. My parents leave on Thursday to spend a week with her.
Sunday Pace went riding with a group of like 15 guys ( a combination of quads and dirt bikes) of course it was raining here so he came home covered in mud but with the hugest smile on his face. He totally reminded me of a little boy playing in the mud and stuffing frogs in his pockets. He was in heaven. He was nice enough to wash my truck since it was covered in mud, but he didn't get the trailer and his quad done, so I think I will wash the trailer and quad tonight as a surprise for him.
Sunday night we went to my sisters house and played Wii - it was SO MUCH FUN!!!! They have Wii fit and a couple of other games and I just had a blast. I am sore this morning from the Wii fit (that doesn't really say much I am REALLY out of shape) I definitely want to get one now!
I FINALLY ovulated on Saturday! I am not holding out a lot of hope since it is SO late in my cycle to be ovulating, but at least I ovulated. I think either way I will be ok this cycle, if it is negative I will just focus on the next month and know that we are that much closer to being pregnant now than we were a year ago...or four years ago for that matter.
I thank God for that!
I appreciate everyones support in regards to the "anonymous" blogger that I posted about previously. I actually know this person and I used to consider her a friend. We had a falling out and instead of letting us both go our own ways she continues to try and hurt me anyway she can. I'm not letting her get to me though - actually the more she tries to hurt me the more I am sad for her. I just wanted to let you all know that it wasn't some stranger from cyber space, it was someone who I considered close to me. Someone that I trusted in my home, in my life and I invited her to read my blog. I know that by blogging about something so personal, we are all kind of opening ourselves up to people like her and so I want to thank you all for your support and for going out on a limb with me so that I can read your stories and be comforted in the fact that I am not alone.
*HUGS*
Friday, February 06, 2009
Whew...what a week!
It really has been a crazy week! My best friend's grandpa passed away the morning of the Super Bowl. They were hosting the Super Bowl party, so Pace and I went over to their house to clean up and get things set up while they were with their family. I really enjoy spending time with them and their families. We are like members of their family and I feel so welcome over there.
I still haven't ovulated and I think I am going to stop testing after today. After all, I am on CD26 and so far nothing. I am not going to let that get me down though. I have almost lost all of the 10 pounds I gained after my miscarriage, I am doing really well on my diet and I feel good.
My sister is 1.5 cm dilated, and if she hasn't gone into labor before, they may try and induce her on Tuesday of next week. My parents are flying out next week so that they can help her out with her older kids and so they can see the new baby. I am excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl! Hopefully by this time next week, we will have a new baby in the family!
I am really looking forward to this weekend. My little sister-in-law is going to come over tonight and spend the weekend with Pace and I. I love her so much and am so excited to see her! She called last night to wish Pace a happy birthday and it was just adorable!!! She was just so sweet. She loves her big brother! Plus...I am going to find my tattoo artist this weekend! I have made the decision that to commemorate our 4 years TTC and our angel baby, I am going to get a tattoo. I already know what the tattoo is going to be, but I want to make sure I find the right artist, so that is what I will be doing this weekend!
I know I haven't been that good about blogging, or commenting for that matter, I have just had a lot on my mind and I need to process it before I blog about it, but I wanted to write an update and also send a message out to my not-so anonymous...anonymous commenter:
To the "anonymous" person that sent a comment saying "wah wah wah it's always poor me" your damn right it is. This is my blog and if you don't like what I have to say then STOP READING MY BLOG! I know who you are (you aren't very good at being anonymous) and I feel sorry for you that you have nothing better to do than continue reading my blog and post nasty comments. Grow UP!!!! I have enough going on in my life right now and I am not going to put up with your immaturity. Leave me alone and please...just forget we ever met!
I still haven't ovulated and I think I am going to stop testing after today. After all, I am on CD26 and so far nothing. I am not going to let that get me down though. I have almost lost all of the 10 pounds I gained after my miscarriage, I am doing really well on my diet and I feel good.
My sister is 1.5 cm dilated, and if she hasn't gone into labor before, they may try and induce her on Tuesday of next week. My parents are flying out next week so that they can help her out with her older kids and so they can see the new baby. I am excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl! Hopefully by this time next week, we will have a new baby in the family!
I am really looking forward to this weekend. My little sister-in-law is going to come over tonight and spend the weekend with Pace and I. I love her so much and am so excited to see her! She called last night to wish Pace a happy birthday and it was just adorable!!! She was just so sweet. She loves her big brother! Plus...I am going to find my tattoo artist this weekend! I have made the decision that to commemorate our 4 years TTC and our angel baby, I am going to get a tattoo. I already know what the tattoo is going to be, but I want to make sure I find the right artist, so that is what I will be doing this weekend!
I know I haven't been that good about blogging, or commenting for that matter, I have just had a lot on my mind and I need to process it before I blog about it, but I wanted to write an update and also send a message out to my not-so anonymous...anonymous commenter:
To the "anonymous" person that sent a comment saying "wah wah wah it's always poor me" your damn right it is. This is my blog and if you don't like what I have to say then STOP READING MY BLOG! I know who you are (you aren't very good at being anonymous) and I feel sorry for you that you have nothing better to do than continue reading my blog and post nasty comments. Grow UP!!!! I have enough going on in my life right now and I am not going to put up with your immaturity. Leave me alone and please...just forget we ever met!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Seriously...think before you speak
I just got back from dinner and drinks with some friends and I am so upset. We aren't real close with these people, but we have known them for years and they are one of the few couples we know that don't have kids. The last time we saw them was August 9th, 2008. You ask...how do you remember the exact date?
That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.
About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.
She replies "You guys just need to relax"
I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."
She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."
I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"
At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."
At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).
I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.
People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.
I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.
That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.
About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.
She replies "You guys just need to relax"
I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."
She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."
I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"
At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."
At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).
I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.
People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.
I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Here We Go Again
The title of this post has many meanings.
I had my post-op appt. today. It went fairly well. He said that I had "medium" endometriosis but that everything else looks great. I asked him about doing clo.mid again and he said he wanted us to wait 3 months and if we haven't conceived by then, he wanted me to try the Clo.mid. I giggled. I told him that we have been trying for 4 years, and that if I magically get pregnant in the next 3 months WITHOUT treatment...I would kiss the ground he walks on. And I will...Mark my word.
So we are trying "naturally" for the next 3 months, although none of this really feels natural. All the looking for symptoms, counting the days, temperature taking, baby aspirin, Met.formin, thyroid meds, prenatal vitamins, preseed, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests...feels VERY unnatural.
Pace and I had dinner with friends last Friday. They have two adorable sons 7 and 5. Both of her boys were "oops" pregnancies and now...you guessed it. They are trying again. It scares me to my core getting that call from her. How will she tell me? Will she be scared to tell me? Will she tell me at all? I am so tired of this IF crap interrupting my relationships!
Then, I get an email from my sister yesterday. She is 1.5 cm dilated and is looking to have my niece or nephew next week. My parents will be flying out to her house next week so that they can help when the baby is born. I am so happy to have another niece or nephew, but it also reminds me that I should be giving birth in 3 months. The 3 months that I have to wait to see if I can conceive on my own should be the last 3 months of my pregnancy. It just isn't fair.
I am trying to keep my head up and look straight ahead, but the next 3 months are going to be very difficult my friends. Very difficult. Many of my friends are looking to add their 2nd or 3rd child right now, my two sisters and going to be giving birth in the next 2 months and my due date...oh...that dreaded day.
Yep...here we go again. The hurry up and wait game. Someone please wake me up when the next 3 months are over or I am kno.cked up.
I had my post-op appt. today. It went fairly well. He said that I had "medium" endometriosis but that everything else looks great. I asked him about doing clo.mid again and he said he wanted us to wait 3 months and if we haven't conceived by then, he wanted me to try the Clo.mid. I giggled. I told him that we have been trying for 4 years, and that if I magically get pregnant in the next 3 months WITHOUT treatment...I would kiss the ground he walks on. And I will...Mark my word.
So we are trying "naturally" for the next 3 months, although none of this really feels natural. All the looking for symptoms, counting the days, temperature taking, baby aspirin, Met.formin, thyroid meds, prenatal vitamins, preseed, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests...feels VERY unnatural.
Pace and I had dinner with friends last Friday. They have two adorable sons 7 and 5. Both of her boys were "oops" pregnancies and now...you guessed it. They are trying again. It scares me to my core getting that call from her. How will she tell me? Will she be scared to tell me? Will she tell me at all? I am so tired of this IF crap interrupting my relationships!
Then, I get an email from my sister yesterday. She is 1.5 cm dilated and is looking to have my niece or nephew next week. My parents will be flying out to her house next week so that they can help when the baby is born. I am so happy to have another niece or nephew, but it also reminds me that I should be giving birth in 3 months. The 3 months that I have to wait to see if I can conceive on my own should be the last 3 months of my pregnancy. It just isn't fair.
I am trying to keep my head up and look straight ahead, but the next 3 months are going to be very difficult my friends. Very difficult. Many of my friends are looking to add their 2nd or 3rd child right now, my two sisters and going to be giving birth in the next 2 months and my due date...oh...that dreaded day.
Yep...here we go again. The hurry up and wait game. Someone please wake me up when the next 3 months are over or I am kno.cked up.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
New Perspective
Good Afternoon my blogger buddies - Over the last 4 years (3 years 11 months and one day to be exact) my husband and I have faced some debilitating challenges. As our 4 year wedding anniversary approaches (a month away) I have been doing a lot of thinking about our marriage and everything we have endured over the last 4 years.
I have found a whole new respect and love for my husband.
He constantly holds me up and holds me together.
He makes me laugh - not just chuckle but shoot liquids out of my nose, tears running down my face laugh
I can tell him anything. Trust me after 4 years of infertility - he knows WAY more about my anatomy than any husband should find sexy
He makes me feel beautiful - like I am the only woman on the planet (unless a photo of Julia Roberts is near)
He is patient with me - he lets me have my bad times, my sad times and my totally goofy times
He is a great friend. To everyone, not just me. Last week he went out on a limb for a friend (a limb that most people would never go out on). I was so angry at him at the time, but then I realized what a selfless act it was and how amazingly large my husbands heart is.
He stands up for me. I know that when people treat me crappy, he has my back. He is my protector.
He is a busy body - which is a good thing because if it weren't for him, I would probably spend 95% of my home life in front of the TV. (I really don't like this quality in myself, but I find it so hard to get motivated after I park on the couch)
He knows me and he loves me anyway - what more could a girl ask for?
We have been through more in the last 4 years than most people go through in 10 years of marriage, but I wouldn't trade it for anything because it has taught me a new love for myself and a new love for my husband. I so wish we still had our little baby in my belly to share, but I know that the Lord has a plan. It certainly isn't MY plan - but it is a plan non-the-less and He hasn't steered me wrong yet.
I love you Mr. Clinger!
I have found a whole new respect and love for my husband.
He constantly holds me up and holds me together.
He makes me laugh - not just chuckle but shoot liquids out of my nose, tears running down my face laugh
I can tell him anything. Trust me after 4 years of infertility - he knows WAY more about my anatomy than any husband should find sexy
He makes me feel beautiful - like I am the only woman on the planet (unless a photo of Julia Roberts is near)
He is patient with me - he lets me have my bad times, my sad times and my totally goofy times
He is a great friend. To everyone, not just me. Last week he went out on a limb for a friend (a limb that most people would never go out on). I was so angry at him at the time, but then I realized what a selfless act it was and how amazingly large my husbands heart is.
He stands up for me. I know that when people treat me crappy, he has my back. He is my protector.
He is a busy body - which is a good thing because if it weren't for him, I would probably spend 95% of my home life in front of the TV. (I really don't like this quality in myself, but I find it so hard to get motivated after I park on the couch)
He knows me and he loves me anyway - what more could a girl ask for?
We have been through more in the last 4 years than most people go through in 10 years of marriage, but I wouldn't trade it for anything because it has taught me a new love for myself and a new love for my husband. I so wish we still had our little baby in my belly to share, but I know that the Lord has a plan. It certainly isn't MY plan - but it is a plan non-the-less and He hasn't steered me wrong yet.
I love you Mr. Clinger!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
On to Bigger and Better Things
Sorry all for the last outburst. I needed to cut some ties, and unfortunately it had to be here, but it is done, the chapter is closed and I can move on to bigger and better things.
I have a cold now. Dang! I was really looking forward to feeling 100% by now, but now I have been down and out for over a week and it is getting really old! (My husband would agree) LOL
Other than the cold, I am doing pretty good, I have had some insomnia issues since Sunday night ( I have NO idea where those issues came from) I have never had a sleeping problem like this before, but I am managing in spite of the insomnia and the cold.
My follow up appt. with my dr. is on the 29th. I am so excited to get in there and get some answers! I am really hoping that I don't "O" until after the appt. cause we are on restriction until after my post-op appt. But...I have never been afraid of breaking or bending the rules!
I talked to my sister yesterday (she is due in March). We had our normal great conversation and I love her dearly, but she has this foot-in-mouth syndrome that she just can't seem to break. We were talking about her 2 girls and she was telling me how much fun they were and here is how the conversation went:
She: "We just have so much fun together, I can't imagine my life without the girls. Ya know? I don't know what I would do with my life if I didn't have the girls. I mean, life would just be so boring without kids!"
Me: **crickets chirping...awkward silence**(If I were talking to anyone else I would have said "Yeah, my life is the definition of boring, or Yeah, well us boring people manage somehow, or I'm glad I don't have to define my entire life around kids or something smart like that, but I love my sister...)
She: This is the point where she realized that she probably should have thought that out before it came out of her mouth..."Which you WILL get to experience some day...I just know it"
Me: "Yeah...I hope sooner than later."
She: :...Well...I just got home, so I should let you go. I love you! Talk to you soon!"
Me: "I love you too! Bye"
Poor thing - I know she doesn't realize it until it's too late...it's already out there and then it is almost as if I can hear her say "Shit...did I just say that?"
I love her. She means well and she is one of the few people I know in real life that actually feels comfortable talking about my infertility, so I just chuckle and will use those little slips to tease the daylights out of her when I have kids.
I am really looking forward to the weekend. We have a couple of birthday parties to go to on Saturday and then I am probably going to spend some girl time with my niece and a couple of my girlfriends on Sunday morning. My niece is getting to that age where I want to introduce her to my friends and hang out, she is 14, full of attitude, and I just adore her! She reminds me so much of myself at her age...my poor sister! LOL
I have a cold now. Dang! I was really looking forward to feeling 100% by now, but now I have been down and out for over a week and it is getting really old! (My husband would agree) LOL
Other than the cold, I am doing pretty good, I have had some insomnia issues since Sunday night ( I have NO idea where those issues came from) I have never had a sleeping problem like this before, but I am managing in spite of the insomnia and the cold.
My follow up appt. with my dr. is on the 29th. I am so excited to get in there and get some answers! I am really hoping that I don't "O" until after the appt. cause we are on restriction until after my post-op appt. But...I have never been afraid of breaking or bending the rules!
I talked to my sister yesterday (she is due in March). We had our normal great conversation and I love her dearly, but she has this foot-in-mouth syndrome that she just can't seem to break. We were talking about her 2 girls and she was telling me how much fun they were and here is how the conversation went:
She: "We just have so much fun together, I can't imagine my life without the girls. Ya know? I don't know what I would do with my life if I didn't have the girls. I mean, life would just be so boring without kids!"
Me: **crickets chirping...awkward silence**(If I were talking to anyone else I would have said "Yeah, my life is the definition of boring, or Yeah, well us boring people manage somehow, or I'm glad I don't have to define my entire life around kids or something smart like that, but I love my sister...)
She: This is the point where she realized that she probably should have thought that out before it came out of her mouth..."Which you WILL get to experience some day...I just know it"
Me: "Yeah...I hope sooner than later."
She: :...Well...I just got home, so I should let you go. I love you! Talk to you soon!"
Me: "I love you too! Bye"
Poor thing - I know she doesn't realize it until it's too late...it's already out there and then it is almost as if I can hear her say "Shit...did I just say that?"
I love her. She means well and she is one of the few people I know in real life that actually feels comfortable talking about my infertility, so I just chuckle and will use those little slips to tease the daylights out of her when I have kids.
I am really looking forward to the weekend. We have a couple of birthday parties to go to on Saturday and then I am probably going to spend some girl time with my niece and a couple of my girlfriends on Sunday morning. My niece is getting to that age where I want to introduce her to my friends and hang out, she is 14, full of attitude, and I just adore her! She reminds me so much of myself at her age...my poor sister! LOL
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Public Service Announcement
I just wanted to write a quick blurb to let you all know that I am not going to make my blog private. There are too many people I have met because the "fell" onto my blog, and I don't want to miss out on those opportunities.
However, if you do read my blog and you feel the need to make me feel bad about things that I write, I simply ask that you QUIT READING MY BLOG! I chose to start this blog because I need a place where I can vent, share my life and keep friends and family updated on my life.
I did not start writing so that my friends in real life can read what I write, then totally read into what I actually said and make me feel like a piece of crap because they TOTALLY misunderstood what I said.
I am being very picky about who I allow to be my friend this year and if you are my friend in real life and can't communicate (that means TALK to me not text or blast me on your blog) with me then I don't need you. Please stop reading my blog and don't ever call or text me again. You can be assured that I will not be reading your blog so feel free to blast me on your blog as much as you would like. I won't even know it.
Thank you
However, if you do read my blog and you feel the need to make me feel bad about things that I write, I simply ask that you QUIT READING MY BLOG! I chose to start this blog because I need a place where I can vent, share my life and keep friends and family updated on my life.
I did not start writing so that my friends in real life can read what I write, then totally read into what I actually said and make me feel like a piece of crap because they TOTALLY misunderstood what I said.
I am being very picky about who I allow to be my friend this year and if you are my friend in real life and can't communicate (that means TALK to me not text or blast me on your blog) with me then I don't need you. Please stop reading my blog and don't ever call or text me again. You can be assured that I will not be reading your blog so feel free to blast me on your blog as much as you would like. I won't even know it.
Thank you
Monday, January 19, 2009
GO CARDINALS!!!
I am SO excited that the Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl!!!! Pace and I spent yesterday surrounded by our close friends and family. We had a great time, ate way too much food and yelled a little too much, but we had a great time!
We have made the decision to move forward with Clo.mid after this next cycle. I am on restriction from BD'ing (baby dancing) until my post-op appt. So this month we will be trying naturally and then we will move to Clo.mid next month. I started taking OPK's today, so we will see what this month turns out like.
I really have a lot more hope now. I'm not really sure why. Endo wasn't the reason we weren't getting pregnant, it may have contributed to the miscarriage, but I don't believe it was the reason we weren't getting pg. However, I feel like we are starting with a clean slate, a fresh new start. I am excited again, I am happy again, I am hopeful and it just feels so dang good!
I am back at work today. I feel exhausted. I haven't taken any pain meds since Saturday and overall I am feeling pretty good. I just feel really tired. I guess after laying around for 3 and a half days straight, you get kind of tired when you are actually being partially active.
Thank you all for your well wishes, your nice thoughts and kind words. You all are the best!
We have made the decision to move forward with Clo.mid after this next cycle. I am on restriction from BD'ing (baby dancing) until my post-op appt. So this month we will be trying naturally and then we will move to Clo.mid next month. I started taking OPK's today, so we will see what this month turns out like.
I really have a lot more hope now. I'm not really sure why. Endo wasn't the reason we weren't getting pregnant, it may have contributed to the miscarriage, but I don't believe it was the reason we weren't getting pg. However, I feel like we are starting with a clean slate, a fresh new start. I am excited again, I am happy again, I am hopeful and it just feels so dang good!
I am back at work today. I feel exhausted. I haven't taken any pain meds since Saturday and overall I am feeling pretty good. I just feel really tired. I guess after laying around for 3 and a half days straight, you get kind of tired when you are actually being partially active.
Thank you all for your well wishes, your nice thoughts and kind words. You all are the best!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
2 is the magic number
I'm home. I'm sore, I feel like I have been hit by a truck, but I am home and well.
The surgery went well. Suprisingly enough I wasn't even nervous. Given my recent history of anxiety attacks, I was a little nervous of how I would do, but my blood pressure was 111 over 72 right before surgery. Not bad.
They found endometriosis, but were able to remove it all. I don't know yet how bad it was or what it was attached to, I will find out in 2 weeks at my post-op appt. The dr. did tell Pace that we really need to try and get pg within the next 6 months due to the endo. If only it were that easy.
I did really well the first day...then I woke up this morning. I have never taken pain pills, so I was a little freaked out to take them. So I started out small...big mistake. I finally got desperate enough to take 2 today (which was the recommended amount) and that is definately the magic number!
I will write more later, but I wanted to just let you all out there know how it went. Sorry I don't have a lot of details, but I will know much more after my appt. in a couple of weeks.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, kind words, prayers and good wishes. I actually feel hopeful again and as soon as I heal I am ready to jump right back in to agressive TTC.
Much love!
Nichole
The surgery went well. Suprisingly enough I wasn't even nervous. Given my recent history of anxiety attacks, I was a little nervous of how I would do, but my blood pressure was 111 over 72 right before surgery. Not bad.
They found endometriosis, but were able to remove it all. I don't know yet how bad it was or what it was attached to, I will find out in 2 weeks at my post-op appt. The dr. did tell Pace that we really need to try and get pg within the next 6 months due to the endo. If only it were that easy.
I did really well the first day...then I woke up this morning. I have never taken pain pills, so I was a little freaked out to take them. So I started out small...big mistake. I finally got desperate enough to take 2 today (which was the recommended amount) and that is definately the magic number!
I will write more later, but I wanted to just let you all out there know how it went. Sorry I don't have a lot of details, but I will know much more after my appt. in a couple of weeks.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, kind words, prayers and good wishes. I actually feel hopeful again and as soon as I heal I am ready to jump right back in to agressive TTC.
Much love!
Nichole
Monday, January 12, 2009
Starting To Freak
My lab work is done, I have given my medical history and I 32 hours away from my surgery. I know that it is a minor, routine surgery, but I am still freaking a little. I am freaking about being put under, about doing/saying something stupid while under anesthesia, about what they will find. I am just a freak.
I have had a rough couple of days. My great Aunt passed away. I was supposed to sing at her funeral, but the funeral is tomorrow...in KS. No way I could go and be back for my surgery. So my sister flew home and is going to be singing with my mom. I am sad that I can't be there, but I need to do this and I can't put it off.
A very dear family friend of Pace's passed away this weekend. The poor man had been battling cancer for a few years now. It was awful what he had to go through and I am so thankful his pain is over.
I had a fantastic weekend with my husband. We played Playstation 3, we wrestled, tickled, laughed, watched lots of football and just enjoyed each other. I love it when we enjoy each other like that.
Here are a few pics from our New Years trip. I will update you all on my surgery as quickly as I can. 
Monday, January 05, 2009
Hello 2009
We are back and we all came back in one piece! We had an absolutely amazing time! I was a little scared of the riding just because it was my first time and well...I can be a chicken sh!t at times, but I was riding with great drivers and after I got over my initial fear it was all good.
It was so nice being around good friends. Friends that love you when you stink, love you when you are covered in sand, love you when you are too scared too go riding, love you when you are crying and love you when you are having anxiety attacks. It is such a great feeling to have friends that I can be myself around and that love me for who I am.
We saw some amazing rides out there. I can not believe how much money people put into sand rails and such. Going to the dunes was probably the second best vacation Pace and I have ever been on together. He was like a kid in a candy store and we have decided that I definitely need a quad of my own before we go back. We have decided we are going to work really hard at getting all of our debts (the truck and the quad) paid off so we can look into a toy hauler and another quad by the end of next year.
I took a pregnancy test Saturday, it was negative. Of course it was right? Aunt Flow hasn't come to visit yet, but I am definitely starting to have the symptoms. Yesterday morning I woke up very weepy. I was so emotional I think the last time I felt like that was my last cycle on Clo.mid.
I decided to keep myself busy and one of the chores I took on was to clean out and re-organize my office. BAD IDEA!!! I stumbled across my medical reports, bills, sympathy cards etc, from when I had my miscarriage and I just lost it. I was a complete wreck after that.
My sister called me a few hours later (the one that is about 4 weeks farther along than I should be). I really enjoy talking to her, but yesterday I probably just should have ignored her call. We were talking, I was telling her about our trip, she was telling me how great it was to get back to church etc. Then she said, "All of the people in our Sunday school class were asking about you." (She has told them about our infertility/miscarriage and has had them on the prayer team for us) She continued, " I told them that you were the bravest, strongest woman I have ever met." When most people hear something said like that about them, they would be touched, but for me it was like a slap in the face. I don't feel strong or brave, I feel alone and forgotten, not strong and brave. I don't want to be strong or brave, I just want this to be over. I either want to know that I will have biological children one day, or I want to know that it will never happen. The "not knowing" part is just killing me. I was polite and told her "Thank you" and then she had to go cause she had to tend to the kids.
After crying for a couple hours I felt a little better and was able to calm down enough to watch M.amma M.ia! with Pace. (Actually he slept while I watched it LOL) I really enjoyed it, it was a little slow, but a very cute story altogether.
So I am back at work today, feeling very drained, still emotionally raw and overall just exhausted. So far in 2009 I have
Does anyone know how to make a blog private or block certain people from reading it? I am considering this as I think the time has come that I monitor who reads my blog.
I really hope everyone had a great New Year! I am hopeful that 2009 will be the year that all of our dreams come true! Much love to all of my blogger buddies - thank you for being there for me, for loving me in all of my craziness and for giving me some hope when I feel that there is none left.
In closing I would like to add that I have had some amazing comments left on my last couple of blogs and I truly appreciate them! Some of you have left some amazingly inspiring messages that I have really taken to heart. I would like to send a shout out to Jessika that commented on my last blog. I would love to chat sometime if you want to email me your info! I am sorry that you are on this journey too, but glad that I can be of some help to you!
It was so nice being around good friends. Friends that love you when you stink, love you when you are covered in sand, love you when you are too scared too go riding, love you when you are crying and love you when you are having anxiety attacks. It is such a great feeling to have friends that I can be myself around and that love me for who I am.
We saw some amazing rides out there. I can not believe how much money people put into sand rails and such. Going to the dunes was probably the second best vacation Pace and I have ever been on together. He was like a kid in a candy store and we have decided that I definitely need a quad of my own before we go back. We have decided we are going to work really hard at getting all of our debts (the truck and the quad) paid off so we can look into a toy hauler and another quad by the end of next year.
I took a pregnancy test Saturday, it was negative. Of course it was right? Aunt Flow hasn't come to visit yet, but I am definitely starting to have the symptoms. Yesterday morning I woke up very weepy. I was so emotional I think the last time I felt like that was my last cycle on Clo.mid.
I decided to keep myself busy and one of the chores I took on was to clean out and re-organize my office. BAD IDEA!!! I stumbled across my medical reports, bills, sympathy cards etc, from when I had my miscarriage and I just lost it. I was a complete wreck after that.
My sister called me a few hours later (the one that is about 4 weeks farther along than I should be). I really enjoy talking to her, but yesterday I probably just should have ignored her call. We were talking, I was telling her about our trip, she was telling me how great it was to get back to church etc. Then she said, "All of the people in our Sunday school class were asking about you." (She has told them about our infertility/miscarriage and has had them on the prayer team for us) She continued, " I told them that you were the bravest, strongest woman I have ever met." When most people hear something said like that about them, they would be touched, but for me it was like a slap in the face. I don't feel strong or brave, I feel alone and forgotten, not strong and brave. I don't want to be strong or brave, I just want this to be over. I either want to know that I will have biological children one day, or I want to know that it will never happen. The "not knowing" part is just killing me. I was polite and told her "Thank you" and then she had to go cause she had to tend to the kids.
After crying for a couple hours I felt a little better and was able to calm down enough to watch M.amma M.ia! with Pace. (Actually he slept while I watched it LOL) I really enjoyed it, it was a little slow, but a very cute story altogether.
So I am back at work today, feeling very drained, still emotionally raw and overall just exhausted. So far in 2009 I have
- Had an anxiety attack in front of all of my closest friends (embarrassing!!!)
- Gotten a negative pregnancy test
- Been extremely emotional and weepy
- Had a great vacation
Does anyone know how to make a blog private or block certain people from reading it? I am considering this as I think the time has come that I monitor who reads my blog.
I really hope everyone had a great New Year! I am hopeful that 2009 will be the year that all of our dreams come true! Much love to all of my blogger buddies - thank you for being there for me, for loving me in all of my craziness and for giving me some hope when I feel that there is none left.
In closing I would like to add that I have had some amazing comments left on my last couple of blogs and I truly appreciate them! Some of you have left some amazingly inspiring messages that I have really taken to heart. I would like to send a shout out to Jessika that commented on my last blog. I would love to chat sometime if you want to email me your info! I am sorry that you are on this journey too, but glad that I can be of some help to you!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
For those of you that aren't familiar, the Im.perial S.and D.unes in CA is a huge gathering place for the new year. Everyone brings out their quads, S.and R.ails, Buggies, d.irt b.ikes and more toys to enjoy endless amounts of sand, drinking and fun.
This is where we are headed today.
We have the trailer loaded up, the toys ready to go and all of the wood cut for the fire. As soon as I get off work we are heading out. I will be out there with a few of my best girlfriends, so I am really looking to spending some time with them!
I am praying for a very safe trip as I know too many people who have gotten hurt out there, but we will be as safe as we can and have a great time. I won't have internet access again until Saturday...so until then HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This is where we are headed today.
We have the trailer loaded up, the toys ready to go and all of the wood cut for the fire. As soon as I get off work we are heading out. I will be out there with a few of my best girlfriends, so I am really looking to spending some time with them!
I am praying for a very safe trip as I know too many people who have gotten hurt out there, but we will be as safe as we can and have a great time. I won't have internet access again until Saturday...so until then HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Survived Christmas
I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write about...so here goes.
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
Friday, December 19, 2008
I heard you that time!
I have been doing a lot of soul searching and praying about this trip back home to KS. Basically, I am most worried about me ending up spending the entire time throwing myself a pity party and being jealous of my two pregnant sisters.
This was the daily scripture that was delivered to my email box this morning. Seriously...I couldn't make this up!
A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT
Ummmmm....I think God is trying to tell me something. So I am printing that out and using it as my strength this next week.
Thank you God for speaking to me in a way I can comprehend...to the point, and right in my face. LOL Now if you could please just help me find that peaceful heart. I think it is buried under the disappointment, fear, frustration, anger, bitterness and sadness.
Thank you
Amen
This was the daily scripture that was delivered to my email box this morning. Seriously...I couldn't make this up!
A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT
Ummmmm....I think God is trying to tell me something. So I am printing that out and using it as my strength this next week.
Thank you God for speaking to me in a way I can comprehend...to the point, and right in my face. LOL Now if you could please just help me find that peaceful heart. I think it is buried under the disappointment, fear, frustration, anger, bitterness and sadness.
Thank you
Amen
Thursday, December 18, 2008
S - Day...January 14th
The scheduling lady called me today and my surgery is officially set for January 14th at 10:00 am. I was a little peeved that it was on a MONDAY... now that means I have to take off at least 2 days of work, possibly even 3. That does not really make me very happy because my company is in the process of a huge change over and I really can't afford to miss work in January, but I don't want to put it off either.
I talked to my boss...which was a little awkward, but I told him what was going on, what the surgery was for etc., and asked him if he would prefer that I wait till February with everything that is going on here. He said "absolutely not...go get it taken care of, don't put it off."
So January 14th is the day. I am really nervous and a little scared, but I am just hoping and praying for a quick recovery with as little down time as possible.
My insurance is covering it, so the only thing I will have to pay is my 20% since I have already met my deductible (thanks to my miscarriage in August).
Since I haven't "O'd" yet, it looks like we are on a forced break until February. Yippie-Ki-Yi-Freakin-Yay. That is going to be fun conversation with my two pregnant sisters over Christmas.
Sigh...Please God give me the strength and peace to be around my sisters and not feel jealous, angry, cheated or forgotten. Please be especially close to me this next week, remind me that you know the best plan and route for my life and that I need to trust in you and only you. Please help me remember to let go of the things I can't change and to enjoy the time I have with my family.
God I hope I can pull this off.
I talked to my boss...which was a little awkward, but I told him what was going on, what the surgery was for etc., and asked him if he would prefer that I wait till February with everything that is going on here. He said "absolutely not...go get it taken care of, don't put it off."
So January 14th is the day. I am really nervous and a little scared, but I am just hoping and praying for a quick recovery with as little down time as possible.
My insurance is covering it, so the only thing I will have to pay is my 20% since I have already met my deductible (thanks to my miscarriage in August).
Since I haven't "O'd" yet, it looks like we are on a forced break until February. Yippie-Ki-Yi-Freakin-Yay. That is going to be fun conversation with my two pregnant sisters over Christmas.
Sigh...Please God give me the strength and peace to be around my sisters and not feel jealous, angry, cheated or forgotten. Please be especially close to me this next week, remind me that you know the best plan and route for my life and that I need to trust in you and only you. Please help me remember to let go of the things I can't change and to enjoy the time I have with my family.
God I hope I can pull this off.
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