I had a fabulous weekend! It started out Friday night with a Rock Band concert in my living room with our best friends and Pace and I starring! It was a blast! We had Pace's little sister all weekend so she got to play with our friend's son and they are just so cute together! It kind of made me sad because I so wish that we had a child to play with their son, since we have been friends we have dreamed of our kids growing up together - we better hurry up and get pregnant, cause their son (and Pace's sister) are growing too fast!
Saturday afternoon Pace and I went tattoo shopping. (Well, more like tattoo shop/artist shopping I already know what tattoo I want done) It was quite an experience. I have never been in a tattoo shop, so it really was interesting. We went to 3 different shops and had 3 very different experiences.
The first one was a really nice shop however the guy that worked there was not so nice. He was obviously high on something and was very vulgar. He asked Pace if he really thought it was a good idea to have that tattooed on my back cause it might spoil it for him during sex. *nice*
The second one was an "ok" shop. The inside was really small, it was clean but they were playing heavy death metal music that gave me a headache instantly. The tattoo artist I talked to however was VERY nice and seemed like he really wanted to do my tattoo. I wasn't sure I would be able to sit and listen to that music for 2+ hours though.
The third shop was perfect. It was clean, VERY professional, pornography free and everyone was so nice there. This is the same one that my husband's best friend recommended, so ... I took the plunge. I put the deposit down and am scheduled to go in on Friday evening. I will post pictures of it when it is done.
Saturday night we went over to our friend's house and planned our joint anniversary trip. They also got married in February so we decided to rent a cabin for the weekend up North in AZ and celebrate our anniversaries together. The have sleds, so we are going to head up to the mountains and have a play weekend in the snow. I am so excited we have reserved the most beautiful cabin and we are just going to have the best time!
My sister is at the dr. right now. She still hasn't gone into labor and she is hopeful that the dr. will induce her on Wednesday if she hasn't gone already. I am getting really excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl. My parents leave on Thursday to spend a week with her.
Sunday Pace went riding with a group of like 15 guys ( a combination of quads and dirt bikes) of course it was raining here so he came home covered in mud but with the hugest smile on his face. He totally reminded me of a little boy playing in the mud and stuffing frogs in his pockets. He was in heaven. He was nice enough to wash my truck since it was covered in mud, but he didn't get the trailer and his quad done, so I think I will wash the trailer and quad tonight as a surprise for him.
Sunday night we went to my sisters house and played Wii - it was SO MUCH FUN!!!! They have Wii fit and a couple of other games and I just had a blast. I am sore this morning from the Wii fit (that doesn't really say much I am REALLY out of shape) I definitely want to get one now!
I FINALLY ovulated on Saturday! I am not holding out a lot of hope since it is SO late in my cycle to be ovulating, but at least I ovulated. I think either way I will be ok this cycle, if it is negative I will just focus on the next month and know that we are that much closer to being pregnant now than we were a year ago...or four years ago for that matter.
I thank God for that!
I appreciate everyones support in regards to the "anonymous" blogger that I posted about previously. I actually know this person and I used to consider her a friend. We had a falling out and instead of letting us both go our own ways she continues to try and hurt me anyway she can. I'm not letting her get to me though - actually the more she tries to hurt me the more I am sad for her. I just wanted to let you all know that it wasn't some stranger from cyber space, it was someone who I considered close to me. Someone that I trusted in my home, in my life and I invited her to read my blog. I know that by blogging about something so personal, we are all kind of opening ourselves up to people like her and so I want to thank you all for your support and for going out on a limb with me so that I can read your stories and be comforted in the fact that I am not alone.
*HUGS*
Monday, February 09, 2009
Friday, February 06, 2009
Whew...what a week!
It really has been a crazy week! My best friend's grandpa passed away the morning of the Super Bowl. They were hosting the Super Bowl party, so Pace and I went over to their house to clean up and get things set up while they were with their family. I really enjoy spending time with them and their families. We are like members of their family and I feel so welcome over there.
I still haven't ovulated and I think I am going to stop testing after today. After all, I am on CD26 and so far nothing. I am not going to let that get me down though. I have almost lost all of the 10 pounds I gained after my miscarriage, I am doing really well on my diet and I feel good.
My sister is 1.5 cm dilated, and if she hasn't gone into labor before, they may try and induce her on Tuesday of next week. My parents are flying out next week so that they can help her out with her older kids and so they can see the new baby. I am excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl! Hopefully by this time next week, we will have a new baby in the family!
I am really looking forward to this weekend. My little sister-in-law is going to come over tonight and spend the weekend with Pace and I. I love her so much and am so excited to see her! She called last night to wish Pace a happy birthday and it was just adorable!!! She was just so sweet. She loves her big brother! Plus...I am going to find my tattoo artist this weekend! I have made the decision that to commemorate our 4 years TTC and our angel baby, I am going to get a tattoo. I already know what the tattoo is going to be, but I want to make sure I find the right artist, so that is what I will be doing this weekend!
I know I haven't been that good about blogging, or commenting for that matter, I have just had a lot on my mind and I need to process it before I blog about it, but I wanted to write an update and also send a message out to my not-so anonymous...anonymous commenter:
To the "anonymous" person that sent a comment saying "wah wah wah it's always poor me" your damn right it is. This is my blog and if you don't like what I have to say then STOP READING MY BLOG! I know who you are (you aren't very good at being anonymous) and I feel sorry for you that you have nothing better to do than continue reading my blog and post nasty comments. Grow UP!!!! I have enough going on in my life right now and I am not going to put up with your immaturity. Leave me alone and please...just forget we ever met!
I still haven't ovulated and I think I am going to stop testing after today. After all, I am on CD26 and so far nothing. I am not going to let that get me down though. I have almost lost all of the 10 pounds I gained after my miscarriage, I am doing really well on my diet and I feel good.
My sister is 1.5 cm dilated, and if she hasn't gone into labor before, they may try and induce her on Tuesday of next week. My parents are flying out next week so that they can help her out with her older kids and so they can see the new baby. I am excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl! Hopefully by this time next week, we will have a new baby in the family!
I am really looking forward to this weekend. My little sister-in-law is going to come over tonight and spend the weekend with Pace and I. I love her so much and am so excited to see her! She called last night to wish Pace a happy birthday and it was just adorable!!! She was just so sweet. She loves her big brother! Plus...I am going to find my tattoo artist this weekend! I have made the decision that to commemorate our 4 years TTC and our angel baby, I am going to get a tattoo. I already know what the tattoo is going to be, but I want to make sure I find the right artist, so that is what I will be doing this weekend!
I know I haven't been that good about blogging, or commenting for that matter, I have just had a lot on my mind and I need to process it before I blog about it, but I wanted to write an update and also send a message out to my not-so anonymous...anonymous commenter:
To the "anonymous" person that sent a comment saying "wah wah wah it's always poor me" your damn right it is. This is my blog and if you don't like what I have to say then STOP READING MY BLOG! I know who you are (you aren't very good at being anonymous) and I feel sorry for you that you have nothing better to do than continue reading my blog and post nasty comments. Grow UP!!!! I have enough going on in my life right now and I am not going to put up with your immaturity. Leave me alone and please...just forget we ever met!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Seriously...think before you speak
I just got back from dinner and drinks with some friends and I am so upset. We aren't real close with these people, but we have known them for years and they are one of the few couples we know that don't have kids. The last time we saw them was August 9th, 2008. You ask...how do you remember the exact date?
That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.
About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.
She replies "You guys just need to relax"
I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."
She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."
I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"
At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."
At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).
I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.
People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.
I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.
That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.
About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.
She replies "You guys just need to relax"
I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."
She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."
I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"
At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."
At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).
I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.
People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.
I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Here We Go Again
The title of this post has many meanings.
I had my post-op appt. today. It went fairly well. He said that I had "medium" endometriosis but that everything else looks great. I asked him about doing clo.mid again and he said he wanted us to wait 3 months and if we haven't conceived by then, he wanted me to try the Clo.mid. I giggled. I told him that we have been trying for 4 years, and that if I magically get pregnant in the next 3 months WITHOUT treatment...I would kiss the ground he walks on. And I will...Mark my word.
So we are trying "naturally" for the next 3 months, although none of this really feels natural. All the looking for symptoms, counting the days, temperature taking, baby aspirin, Met.formin, thyroid meds, prenatal vitamins, preseed, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests...feels VERY unnatural.
Pace and I had dinner with friends last Friday. They have two adorable sons 7 and 5. Both of her boys were "oops" pregnancies and now...you guessed it. They are trying again. It scares me to my core getting that call from her. How will she tell me? Will she be scared to tell me? Will she tell me at all? I am so tired of this IF crap interrupting my relationships!
Then, I get an email from my sister yesterday. She is 1.5 cm dilated and is looking to have my niece or nephew next week. My parents will be flying out to her house next week so that they can help when the baby is born. I am so happy to have another niece or nephew, but it also reminds me that I should be giving birth in 3 months. The 3 months that I have to wait to see if I can conceive on my own should be the last 3 months of my pregnancy. It just isn't fair.
I am trying to keep my head up and look straight ahead, but the next 3 months are going to be very difficult my friends. Very difficult. Many of my friends are looking to add their 2nd or 3rd child right now, my two sisters and going to be giving birth in the next 2 months and my due date...oh...that dreaded day.
Yep...here we go again. The hurry up and wait game. Someone please wake me up when the next 3 months are over or I am kno.cked up.
I had my post-op appt. today. It went fairly well. He said that I had "medium" endometriosis but that everything else looks great. I asked him about doing clo.mid again and he said he wanted us to wait 3 months and if we haven't conceived by then, he wanted me to try the Clo.mid. I giggled. I told him that we have been trying for 4 years, and that if I magically get pregnant in the next 3 months WITHOUT treatment...I would kiss the ground he walks on. And I will...Mark my word.
So we are trying "naturally" for the next 3 months, although none of this really feels natural. All the looking for symptoms, counting the days, temperature taking, baby aspirin, Met.formin, thyroid meds, prenatal vitamins, preseed, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests...feels VERY unnatural.
Pace and I had dinner with friends last Friday. They have two adorable sons 7 and 5. Both of her boys were "oops" pregnancies and now...you guessed it. They are trying again. It scares me to my core getting that call from her. How will she tell me? Will she be scared to tell me? Will she tell me at all? I am so tired of this IF crap interrupting my relationships!
Then, I get an email from my sister yesterday. She is 1.5 cm dilated and is looking to have my niece or nephew next week. My parents will be flying out to her house next week so that they can help when the baby is born. I am so happy to have another niece or nephew, but it also reminds me that I should be giving birth in 3 months. The 3 months that I have to wait to see if I can conceive on my own should be the last 3 months of my pregnancy. It just isn't fair.
I am trying to keep my head up and look straight ahead, but the next 3 months are going to be very difficult my friends. Very difficult. Many of my friends are looking to add their 2nd or 3rd child right now, my two sisters and going to be giving birth in the next 2 months and my due date...oh...that dreaded day.
Yep...here we go again. The hurry up and wait game. Someone please wake me up when the next 3 months are over or I am kno.cked up.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
New Perspective
Good Afternoon my blogger buddies - Over the last 4 years (3 years 11 months and one day to be exact) my husband and I have faced some debilitating challenges. As our 4 year wedding anniversary approaches (a month away) I have been doing a lot of thinking about our marriage and everything we have endured over the last 4 years.
I have found a whole new respect and love for my husband.
He constantly holds me up and holds me together.
He makes me laugh - not just chuckle but shoot liquids out of my nose, tears running down my face laugh
I can tell him anything. Trust me after 4 years of infertility - he knows WAY more about my anatomy than any husband should find sexy
He makes me feel beautiful - like I am the only woman on the planet (unless a photo of Julia Roberts is near)
He is patient with me - he lets me have my bad times, my sad times and my totally goofy times
He is a great friend. To everyone, not just me. Last week he went out on a limb for a friend (a limb that most people would never go out on). I was so angry at him at the time, but then I realized what a selfless act it was and how amazingly large my husbands heart is.
He stands up for me. I know that when people treat me crappy, he has my back. He is my protector.
He is a busy body - which is a good thing because if it weren't for him, I would probably spend 95% of my home life in front of the TV. (I really don't like this quality in myself, but I find it so hard to get motivated after I park on the couch)
He knows me and he loves me anyway - what more could a girl ask for?
We have been through more in the last 4 years than most people go through in 10 years of marriage, but I wouldn't trade it for anything because it has taught me a new love for myself and a new love for my husband. I so wish we still had our little baby in my belly to share, but I know that the Lord has a plan. It certainly isn't MY plan - but it is a plan non-the-less and He hasn't steered me wrong yet.
I love you Mr. Clinger!
I have found a whole new respect and love for my husband.
He constantly holds me up and holds me together.
He makes me laugh - not just chuckle but shoot liquids out of my nose, tears running down my face laugh
I can tell him anything. Trust me after 4 years of infertility - he knows WAY more about my anatomy than any husband should find sexy
He makes me feel beautiful - like I am the only woman on the planet (unless a photo of Julia Roberts is near)
He is patient with me - he lets me have my bad times, my sad times and my totally goofy times
He is a great friend. To everyone, not just me. Last week he went out on a limb for a friend (a limb that most people would never go out on). I was so angry at him at the time, but then I realized what a selfless act it was and how amazingly large my husbands heart is.
He stands up for me. I know that when people treat me crappy, he has my back. He is my protector.
He is a busy body - which is a good thing because if it weren't for him, I would probably spend 95% of my home life in front of the TV. (I really don't like this quality in myself, but I find it so hard to get motivated after I park on the couch)
He knows me and he loves me anyway - what more could a girl ask for?
We have been through more in the last 4 years than most people go through in 10 years of marriage, but I wouldn't trade it for anything because it has taught me a new love for myself and a new love for my husband. I so wish we still had our little baby in my belly to share, but I know that the Lord has a plan. It certainly isn't MY plan - but it is a plan non-the-less and He hasn't steered me wrong yet.
I love you Mr. Clinger!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
On to Bigger and Better Things
Sorry all for the last outburst. I needed to cut some ties, and unfortunately it had to be here, but it is done, the chapter is closed and I can move on to bigger and better things.
I have a cold now. Dang! I was really looking forward to feeling 100% by now, but now I have been down and out for over a week and it is getting really old! (My husband would agree) LOL
Other than the cold, I am doing pretty good, I have had some insomnia issues since Sunday night ( I have NO idea where those issues came from) I have never had a sleeping problem like this before, but I am managing in spite of the insomnia and the cold.
My follow up appt. with my dr. is on the 29th. I am so excited to get in there and get some answers! I am really hoping that I don't "O" until after the appt. cause we are on restriction until after my post-op appt. But...I have never been afraid of breaking or bending the rules!
I talked to my sister yesterday (she is due in March). We had our normal great conversation and I love her dearly, but she has this foot-in-mouth syndrome that she just can't seem to break. We were talking about her 2 girls and she was telling me how much fun they were and here is how the conversation went:
She: "We just have so much fun together, I can't imagine my life without the girls. Ya know? I don't know what I would do with my life if I didn't have the girls. I mean, life would just be so boring without kids!"
Me: **crickets chirping...awkward silence**(If I were talking to anyone else I would have said "Yeah, my life is the definition of boring, or Yeah, well us boring people manage somehow, or I'm glad I don't have to define my entire life around kids or something smart like that, but I love my sister...)
She: This is the point where she realized that she probably should have thought that out before it came out of her mouth..."Which you WILL get to experience some day...I just know it"
Me: "Yeah...I hope sooner than later."
She: :...Well...I just got home, so I should let you go. I love you! Talk to you soon!"
Me: "I love you too! Bye"
Poor thing - I know she doesn't realize it until it's too late...it's already out there and then it is almost as if I can hear her say "Shit...did I just say that?"
I love her. She means well and she is one of the few people I know in real life that actually feels comfortable talking about my infertility, so I just chuckle and will use those little slips to tease the daylights out of her when I have kids.
I am really looking forward to the weekend. We have a couple of birthday parties to go to on Saturday and then I am probably going to spend some girl time with my niece and a couple of my girlfriends on Sunday morning. My niece is getting to that age where I want to introduce her to my friends and hang out, she is 14, full of attitude, and I just adore her! She reminds me so much of myself at her age...my poor sister! LOL
I have a cold now. Dang! I was really looking forward to feeling 100% by now, but now I have been down and out for over a week and it is getting really old! (My husband would agree) LOL
Other than the cold, I am doing pretty good, I have had some insomnia issues since Sunday night ( I have NO idea where those issues came from) I have never had a sleeping problem like this before, but I am managing in spite of the insomnia and the cold.
My follow up appt. with my dr. is on the 29th. I am so excited to get in there and get some answers! I am really hoping that I don't "O" until after the appt. cause we are on restriction until after my post-op appt. But...I have never been afraid of breaking or bending the rules!
I talked to my sister yesterday (she is due in March). We had our normal great conversation and I love her dearly, but she has this foot-in-mouth syndrome that she just can't seem to break. We were talking about her 2 girls and she was telling me how much fun they were and here is how the conversation went:
She: "We just have so much fun together, I can't imagine my life without the girls. Ya know? I don't know what I would do with my life if I didn't have the girls. I mean, life would just be so boring without kids!"
Me: **crickets chirping...awkward silence**(If I were talking to anyone else I would have said "Yeah, my life is the definition of boring, or Yeah, well us boring people manage somehow, or I'm glad I don't have to define my entire life around kids or something smart like that, but I love my sister...)
She: This is the point where she realized that she probably should have thought that out before it came out of her mouth..."Which you WILL get to experience some day...I just know it"
Me: "Yeah...I hope sooner than later."
She: :...Well...I just got home, so I should let you go. I love you! Talk to you soon!"
Me: "I love you too! Bye"
Poor thing - I know she doesn't realize it until it's too late...it's already out there and then it is almost as if I can hear her say "Shit...did I just say that?"
I love her. She means well and she is one of the few people I know in real life that actually feels comfortable talking about my infertility, so I just chuckle and will use those little slips to tease the daylights out of her when I have kids.
I am really looking forward to the weekend. We have a couple of birthday parties to go to on Saturday and then I am probably going to spend some girl time with my niece and a couple of my girlfriends on Sunday morning. My niece is getting to that age where I want to introduce her to my friends and hang out, she is 14, full of attitude, and I just adore her! She reminds me so much of myself at her age...my poor sister! LOL
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Public Service Announcement
I just wanted to write a quick blurb to let you all know that I am not going to make my blog private. There are too many people I have met because the "fell" onto my blog, and I don't want to miss out on those opportunities.
However, if you do read my blog and you feel the need to make me feel bad about things that I write, I simply ask that you QUIT READING MY BLOG! I chose to start this blog because I need a place where I can vent, share my life and keep friends and family updated on my life.
I did not start writing so that my friends in real life can read what I write, then totally read into what I actually said and make me feel like a piece of crap because they TOTALLY misunderstood what I said.
I am being very picky about who I allow to be my friend this year and if you are my friend in real life and can't communicate (that means TALK to me not text or blast me on your blog) with me then I don't need you. Please stop reading my blog and don't ever call or text me again. You can be assured that I will not be reading your blog so feel free to blast me on your blog as much as you would like. I won't even know it.
Thank you
However, if you do read my blog and you feel the need to make me feel bad about things that I write, I simply ask that you QUIT READING MY BLOG! I chose to start this blog because I need a place where I can vent, share my life and keep friends and family updated on my life.
I did not start writing so that my friends in real life can read what I write, then totally read into what I actually said and make me feel like a piece of crap because they TOTALLY misunderstood what I said.
I am being very picky about who I allow to be my friend this year and if you are my friend in real life and can't communicate (that means TALK to me not text or blast me on your blog) with me then I don't need you. Please stop reading my blog and don't ever call or text me again. You can be assured that I will not be reading your blog so feel free to blast me on your blog as much as you would like. I won't even know it.
Thank you
Monday, January 19, 2009
GO CARDINALS!!!
I am SO excited that the Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl!!!! Pace and I spent yesterday surrounded by our close friends and family. We had a great time, ate way too much food and yelled a little too much, but we had a great time!
We have made the decision to move forward with Clo.mid after this next cycle. I am on restriction from BD'ing (baby dancing) until my post-op appt. So this month we will be trying naturally and then we will move to Clo.mid next month. I started taking OPK's today, so we will see what this month turns out like.
I really have a lot more hope now. I'm not really sure why. Endo wasn't the reason we weren't getting pregnant, it may have contributed to the miscarriage, but I don't believe it was the reason we weren't getting pg. However, I feel like we are starting with a clean slate, a fresh new start. I am excited again, I am happy again, I am hopeful and it just feels so dang good!
I am back at work today. I feel exhausted. I haven't taken any pain meds since Saturday and overall I am feeling pretty good. I just feel really tired. I guess after laying around for 3 and a half days straight, you get kind of tired when you are actually being partially active.
Thank you all for your well wishes, your nice thoughts and kind words. You all are the best!
We have made the decision to move forward with Clo.mid after this next cycle. I am on restriction from BD'ing (baby dancing) until my post-op appt. So this month we will be trying naturally and then we will move to Clo.mid next month. I started taking OPK's today, so we will see what this month turns out like.
I really have a lot more hope now. I'm not really sure why. Endo wasn't the reason we weren't getting pregnant, it may have contributed to the miscarriage, but I don't believe it was the reason we weren't getting pg. However, I feel like we are starting with a clean slate, a fresh new start. I am excited again, I am happy again, I am hopeful and it just feels so dang good!
I am back at work today. I feel exhausted. I haven't taken any pain meds since Saturday and overall I am feeling pretty good. I just feel really tired. I guess after laying around for 3 and a half days straight, you get kind of tired when you are actually being partially active.
Thank you all for your well wishes, your nice thoughts and kind words. You all are the best!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
2 is the magic number
I'm home. I'm sore, I feel like I have been hit by a truck, but I am home and well.
The surgery went well. Suprisingly enough I wasn't even nervous. Given my recent history of anxiety attacks, I was a little nervous of how I would do, but my blood pressure was 111 over 72 right before surgery. Not bad.
They found endometriosis, but were able to remove it all. I don't know yet how bad it was or what it was attached to, I will find out in 2 weeks at my post-op appt. The dr. did tell Pace that we really need to try and get pg within the next 6 months due to the endo. If only it were that easy.
I did really well the first day...then I woke up this morning. I have never taken pain pills, so I was a little freaked out to take them. So I started out small...big mistake. I finally got desperate enough to take 2 today (which was the recommended amount) and that is definately the magic number!
I will write more later, but I wanted to just let you all out there know how it went. Sorry I don't have a lot of details, but I will know much more after my appt. in a couple of weeks.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, kind words, prayers and good wishes. I actually feel hopeful again and as soon as I heal I am ready to jump right back in to agressive TTC.
Much love!
Nichole
The surgery went well. Suprisingly enough I wasn't even nervous. Given my recent history of anxiety attacks, I was a little nervous of how I would do, but my blood pressure was 111 over 72 right before surgery. Not bad.
They found endometriosis, but were able to remove it all. I don't know yet how bad it was or what it was attached to, I will find out in 2 weeks at my post-op appt. The dr. did tell Pace that we really need to try and get pg within the next 6 months due to the endo. If only it were that easy.
I did really well the first day...then I woke up this morning. I have never taken pain pills, so I was a little freaked out to take them. So I started out small...big mistake. I finally got desperate enough to take 2 today (which was the recommended amount) and that is definately the magic number!
I will write more later, but I wanted to just let you all out there know how it went. Sorry I don't have a lot of details, but I will know much more after my appt. in a couple of weeks.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, kind words, prayers and good wishes. I actually feel hopeful again and as soon as I heal I am ready to jump right back in to agressive TTC.
Much love!
Nichole
Monday, January 12, 2009
Starting To Freak
My lab work is done, I have given my medical history and I 32 hours away from my surgery. I know that it is a minor, routine surgery, but I am still freaking a little. I am freaking about being put under, about doing/saying something stupid while under anesthesia, about what they will find. I am just a freak.
I have had a rough couple of days. My great Aunt passed away. I was supposed to sing at her funeral, but the funeral is tomorrow...in KS. No way I could go and be back for my surgery. So my sister flew home and is going to be singing with my mom. I am sad that I can't be there, but I need to do this and I can't put it off.
A very dear family friend of Pace's passed away this weekend. The poor man had been battling cancer for a few years now. It was awful what he had to go through and I am so thankful his pain is over.
I had a fantastic weekend with my husband. We played Playstation 3, we wrestled, tickled, laughed, watched lots of football and just enjoyed each other. I love it when we enjoy each other like that.
Here are a few pics from our New Years trip. I will update you all on my surgery as quickly as I can. 
Monday, January 05, 2009
Hello 2009
We are back and we all came back in one piece! We had an absolutely amazing time! I was a little scared of the riding just because it was my first time and well...I can be a chicken sh!t at times, but I was riding with great drivers and after I got over my initial fear it was all good.
It was so nice being around good friends. Friends that love you when you stink, love you when you are covered in sand, love you when you are too scared too go riding, love you when you are crying and love you when you are having anxiety attacks. It is such a great feeling to have friends that I can be myself around and that love me for who I am.
We saw some amazing rides out there. I can not believe how much money people put into sand rails and such. Going to the dunes was probably the second best vacation Pace and I have ever been on together. He was like a kid in a candy store and we have decided that I definitely need a quad of my own before we go back. We have decided we are going to work really hard at getting all of our debts (the truck and the quad) paid off so we can look into a toy hauler and another quad by the end of next year.
I took a pregnancy test Saturday, it was negative. Of course it was right? Aunt Flow hasn't come to visit yet, but I am definitely starting to have the symptoms. Yesterday morning I woke up very weepy. I was so emotional I think the last time I felt like that was my last cycle on Clo.mid.
I decided to keep myself busy and one of the chores I took on was to clean out and re-organize my office. BAD IDEA!!! I stumbled across my medical reports, bills, sympathy cards etc, from when I had my miscarriage and I just lost it. I was a complete wreck after that.
My sister called me a few hours later (the one that is about 4 weeks farther along than I should be). I really enjoy talking to her, but yesterday I probably just should have ignored her call. We were talking, I was telling her about our trip, she was telling me how great it was to get back to church etc. Then she said, "All of the people in our Sunday school class were asking about you." (She has told them about our infertility/miscarriage and has had them on the prayer team for us) She continued, " I told them that you were the bravest, strongest woman I have ever met." When most people hear something said like that about them, they would be touched, but for me it was like a slap in the face. I don't feel strong or brave, I feel alone and forgotten, not strong and brave. I don't want to be strong or brave, I just want this to be over. I either want to know that I will have biological children one day, or I want to know that it will never happen. The "not knowing" part is just killing me. I was polite and told her "Thank you" and then she had to go cause she had to tend to the kids.
After crying for a couple hours I felt a little better and was able to calm down enough to watch M.amma M.ia! with Pace. (Actually he slept while I watched it LOL) I really enjoyed it, it was a little slow, but a very cute story altogether.
So I am back at work today, feeling very drained, still emotionally raw and overall just exhausted. So far in 2009 I have
Does anyone know how to make a blog private or block certain people from reading it? I am considering this as I think the time has come that I monitor who reads my blog.
I really hope everyone had a great New Year! I am hopeful that 2009 will be the year that all of our dreams come true! Much love to all of my blogger buddies - thank you for being there for me, for loving me in all of my craziness and for giving me some hope when I feel that there is none left.
In closing I would like to add that I have had some amazing comments left on my last couple of blogs and I truly appreciate them! Some of you have left some amazingly inspiring messages that I have really taken to heart. I would like to send a shout out to Jessika that commented on my last blog. I would love to chat sometime if you want to email me your info! I am sorry that you are on this journey too, but glad that I can be of some help to you!
It was so nice being around good friends. Friends that love you when you stink, love you when you are covered in sand, love you when you are too scared too go riding, love you when you are crying and love you when you are having anxiety attacks. It is such a great feeling to have friends that I can be myself around and that love me for who I am.
We saw some amazing rides out there. I can not believe how much money people put into sand rails and such. Going to the dunes was probably the second best vacation Pace and I have ever been on together. He was like a kid in a candy store and we have decided that I definitely need a quad of my own before we go back. We have decided we are going to work really hard at getting all of our debts (the truck and the quad) paid off so we can look into a toy hauler and another quad by the end of next year.
I took a pregnancy test Saturday, it was negative. Of course it was right? Aunt Flow hasn't come to visit yet, but I am definitely starting to have the symptoms. Yesterday morning I woke up very weepy. I was so emotional I think the last time I felt like that was my last cycle on Clo.mid.
I decided to keep myself busy and one of the chores I took on was to clean out and re-organize my office. BAD IDEA!!! I stumbled across my medical reports, bills, sympathy cards etc, from when I had my miscarriage and I just lost it. I was a complete wreck after that.
My sister called me a few hours later (the one that is about 4 weeks farther along than I should be). I really enjoy talking to her, but yesterday I probably just should have ignored her call. We were talking, I was telling her about our trip, she was telling me how great it was to get back to church etc. Then she said, "All of the people in our Sunday school class were asking about you." (She has told them about our infertility/miscarriage and has had them on the prayer team for us) She continued, " I told them that you were the bravest, strongest woman I have ever met." When most people hear something said like that about them, they would be touched, but for me it was like a slap in the face. I don't feel strong or brave, I feel alone and forgotten, not strong and brave. I don't want to be strong or brave, I just want this to be over. I either want to know that I will have biological children one day, or I want to know that it will never happen. The "not knowing" part is just killing me. I was polite and told her "Thank you" and then she had to go cause she had to tend to the kids.
After crying for a couple hours I felt a little better and was able to calm down enough to watch M.amma M.ia! with Pace. (Actually he slept while I watched it LOL) I really enjoyed it, it was a little slow, but a very cute story altogether.
So I am back at work today, feeling very drained, still emotionally raw and overall just exhausted. So far in 2009 I have
- Had an anxiety attack in front of all of my closest friends (embarrassing!!!)
- Gotten a negative pregnancy test
- Been extremely emotional and weepy
- Had a great vacation
Does anyone know how to make a blog private or block certain people from reading it? I am considering this as I think the time has come that I monitor who reads my blog.
I really hope everyone had a great New Year! I am hopeful that 2009 will be the year that all of our dreams come true! Much love to all of my blogger buddies - thank you for being there for me, for loving me in all of my craziness and for giving me some hope when I feel that there is none left.
In closing I would like to add that I have had some amazing comments left on my last couple of blogs and I truly appreciate them! Some of you have left some amazingly inspiring messages that I have really taken to heart. I would like to send a shout out to Jessika that commented on my last blog. I would love to chat sometime if you want to email me your info! I am sorry that you are on this journey too, but glad that I can be of some help to you!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
For those of you that aren't familiar, the Im.perial S.and D.unes in CA is a huge gathering place for the new year. Everyone brings out their quads, S.and R.ails, Buggies, d.irt b.ikes and more toys to enjoy endless amounts of sand, drinking and fun.
This is where we are headed today.
We have the trailer loaded up, the toys ready to go and all of the wood cut for the fire. As soon as I get off work we are heading out. I will be out there with a few of my best girlfriends, so I am really looking to spending some time with them!
I am praying for a very safe trip as I know too many people who have gotten hurt out there, but we will be as safe as we can and have a great time. I won't have internet access again until Saturday...so until then HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This is where we are headed today.
We have the trailer loaded up, the toys ready to go and all of the wood cut for the fire. As soon as I get off work we are heading out. I will be out there with a few of my best girlfriends, so I am really looking to spending some time with them!
I am praying for a very safe trip as I know too many people who have gotten hurt out there, but we will be as safe as we can and have a great time. I won't have internet access again until Saturday...so until then HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Survived Christmas
I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write about...so here goes.
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
Friday, December 19, 2008
I heard you that time!
I have been doing a lot of soul searching and praying about this trip back home to KS. Basically, I am most worried about me ending up spending the entire time throwing myself a pity party and being jealous of my two pregnant sisters.
This was the daily scripture that was delivered to my email box this morning. Seriously...I couldn't make this up!
A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT
Ummmmm....I think God is trying to tell me something. So I am printing that out and using it as my strength this next week.
Thank you God for speaking to me in a way I can comprehend...to the point, and right in my face. LOL Now if you could please just help me find that peaceful heart. I think it is buried under the disappointment, fear, frustration, anger, bitterness and sadness.
Thank you
Amen
This was the daily scripture that was delivered to my email box this morning. Seriously...I couldn't make this up!
A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT
Ummmmm....I think God is trying to tell me something. So I am printing that out and using it as my strength this next week.
Thank you God for speaking to me in a way I can comprehend...to the point, and right in my face. LOL Now if you could please just help me find that peaceful heart. I think it is buried under the disappointment, fear, frustration, anger, bitterness and sadness.
Thank you
Amen
Thursday, December 18, 2008
S - Day...January 14th
The scheduling lady called me today and my surgery is officially set for January 14th at 10:00 am. I was a little peeved that it was on a MONDAY... now that means I have to take off at least 2 days of work, possibly even 3. That does not really make me very happy because my company is in the process of a huge change over and I really can't afford to miss work in January, but I don't want to put it off either.
I talked to my boss...which was a little awkward, but I told him what was going on, what the surgery was for etc., and asked him if he would prefer that I wait till February with everything that is going on here. He said "absolutely not...go get it taken care of, don't put it off."
So January 14th is the day. I am really nervous and a little scared, but I am just hoping and praying for a quick recovery with as little down time as possible.
My insurance is covering it, so the only thing I will have to pay is my 20% since I have already met my deductible (thanks to my miscarriage in August).
Since I haven't "O'd" yet, it looks like we are on a forced break until February. Yippie-Ki-Yi-Freakin-Yay. That is going to be fun conversation with my two pregnant sisters over Christmas.
Sigh...Please God give me the strength and peace to be around my sisters and not feel jealous, angry, cheated or forgotten. Please be especially close to me this next week, remind me that you know the best plan and route for my life and that I need to trust in you and only you. Please help me remember to let go of the things I can't change and to enjoy the time I have with my family.
God I hope I can pull this off.
I talked to my boss...which was a little awkward, but I told him what was going on, what the surgery was for etc., and asked him if he would prefer that I wait till February with everything that is going on here. He said "absolutely not...go get it taken care of, don't put it off."
So January 14th is the day. I am really nervous and a little scared, but I am just hoping and praying for a quick recovery with as little down time as possible.
My insurance is covering it, so the only thing I will have to pay is my 20% since I have already met my deductible (thanks to my miscarriage in August).
Since I haven't "O'd" yet, it looks like we are on a forced break until February. Yippie-Ki-Yi-Freakin-Yay. That is going to be fun conversation with my two pregnant sisters over Christmas.
Sigh...Please God give me the strength and peace to be around my sisters and not feel jealous, angry, cheated or forgotten. Please be especially close to me this next week, remind me that you know the best plan and route for my life and that I need to trust in you and only you. Please help me remember to let go of the things I can't change and to enjoy the time I have with my family.
God I hope I can pull this off.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Consult
I met with Dr. P today. Meeting with him was nice, but once again, the office staff was less than desirable. I had to wait an hour and fifteen minutes to be seen...HELLO???? Did I NOT make an appointment?
Anywho...he agrees that my symptoms are basically screaming endo. So, he has agreed to do the laparoscopy as well as a hysteroscopy. He wants to make sure I don't also have scarring inside the uterus etc, so that is the reason for both procedures. I am scared and excited. Honestly, I just don't want to be in pain anymore.
I did my Christmas baking yesterday and then went over to my sisters (the only one that isn't pregnant) to put up their Christmas tree and we also decorated the outside. They are so busy and they have been riddled with illnesses, injuries and car accidents over the last 2 weeks, so they haven't had the chance to decorate. We thought it would be a nice gesture and also fun to help them do that...and it was!
The weather looks a little hairy for driving to KS this weekend. Three different storm systems are coming through bringing lots of rain here and snow North of us along our path to KS. Hopefully the precipitation will either be minimal or will melt by the time we hit the road Saturday morning. My sister was talking about possibly not being able to make it home for Christmas and that made me sad. I know that being home with my two VERY pregnant sisters is going to be so hard, and I know that there will be plenty of tears shed, but the thought of going any longer without seeing my family made me very sad. So, now I am looking forward to it, I am going into it knowing that there will be challenges, and there will be some awkward moments, but I will get through them and I will have a good time in spite of myself!
I am stilling waiting to "O" doesn't look like it is going to happen this month. All well...maybe that is better, at least I don't have to worry about my Christmas being ruined by another BFN. This Christmas I won't have to worry about it - I can just relax and wait for AF. (if she comes).
Anywho...he agrees that my symptoms are basically screaming endo. So, he has agreed to do the laparoscopy as well as a hysteroscopy. He wants to make sure I don't also have scarring inside the uterus etc, so that is the reason for both procedures. I am scared and excited. Honestly, I just don't want to be in pain anymore.
I did my Christmas baking yesterday and then went over to my sisters (the only one that isn't pregnant) to put up their Christmas tree and we also decorated the outside. They are so busy and they have been riddled with illnesses, injuries and car accidents over the last 2 weeks, so they haven't had the chance to decorate. We thought it would be a nice gesture and also fun to help them do that...and it was!
The weather looks a little hairy for driving to KS this weekend. Three different storm systems are coming through bringing lots of rain here and snow North of us along our path to KS. Hopefully the precipitation will either be minimal or will melt by the time we hit the road Saturday morning. My sister was talking about possibly not being able to make it home for Christmas and that made me sad. I know that being home with my two VERY pregnant sisters is going to be so hard, and I know that there will be plenty of tears shed, but the thought of going any longer without seeing my family made me very sad. So, now I am looking forward to it, I am going into it knowing that there will be challenges, and there will be some awkward moments, but I will get through them and I will have a good time in spite of myself!
I am stilling waiting to "O" doesn't look like it is going to happen this month. All well...maybe that is better, at least I don't have to worry about my Christmas being ruined by another BFN. This Christmas I won't have to worry about it - I can just relax and wait for AF. (if she comes).
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Alter Egos
My Friend Emily posted this and I thought it was cute...and not quite as heavy as my last post. I am working on another post, but so many thoughts are running through my mind right now, I need to wait to put them all together in a logical manner. Here is a fun light hearted one, hope you enjoy!
1. My rock star name: *Kujo Tundra*{First pet and current car}
2. My gangsta name: *Whatchamacallit no bake*{Favorite candy bar and favorite cookie}
3. My detective name: *Green cat*{Favorite color and favorite animal}
4. My Star Wars name: *Clini of Metformin *{First three letters of last name and first two letters of first name then the word "of" then a medication you are on}
5. My superhero name: *The Red Tea*{2nd favorite color and favorite drink with "The" in front}
6. My Nascar name: *Josephine Nadene*{First names of your grandmothers}
7. My "lover" name: *Curious Shock Tarts *{Name of your favorite perfume/cologne and your favorite candy}
8. Witness-protection name: *Ellen Raymond*{Mother's and father's middle names}
Haha...my favorite is Clini of Metformin. It's hilarious! Thanks for posting this Emily...it was nice to do something fun and uplifting!
Hope you all are doing well - I am just waiting to "O" again. Have my consult on Monday with the surgeon. Good Times.
1. My rock star name: *Kujo Tundra*{First pet and current car}
2. My gangsta name: *Whatchamacallit no bake*{Favorite candy bar and favorite cookie}
3. My detective name: *Green cat*{Favorite color and favorite animal}
4. My Star Wars name: *Clini of Metformin *{First three letters of last name and first two letters of first name then the word "of" then a medication you are on}
5. My superhero name: *The Red Tea*{2nd favorite color and favorite drink with "The" in front}
6. My Nascar name: *Josephine Nadene*{First names of your grandmothers}
7. My "lover" name: *Curious Shock Tarts *{Name of your favorite perfume/cologne and your favorite candy}
8. Witness-protection name: *Ellen Raymond*{Mother's and father's middle names}
Haha...my favorite is Clini of Metformin. It's hilarious! Thanks for posting this Emily...it was nice to do something fun and uplifting!
Hope you all are doing well - I am just waiting to "O" again. Have my consult on Monday with the surgeon. Good Times.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Greetings Earthlings
Pace and I just got home from a night out with friends. We don't go out often anymore, so tonight was a special treat. At least I thought it was going to be.
I have realized that I am not the person my husband fell in love with 6 years ago. OK...I have known for a while that he did not bargain for the whole infertility thing, but tonight I realized that it is way more than that.
I am depressed.
I get that some people have never experienced depression. I have. I have dealt with it since I was a teenager. I have been medicated for it in the past, and have thought about seeing a therapist recently, but to be honest. I don't want to.
It's not that I don't want to feel better, it's about squeezing one more damn dr. visit into my life and swallowing one more damn pill every day. I just don't think I can take it.
I have tried to fake happy, I have tried to pretend that all is hunky dorie and that life goes on blah blah blah, but for someone that is experiencing depression...it doesn't. I have anxiety attacks, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am sad that I don't have a close girlfriend, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be close to me. I feel so isolated and alone even with all of the wonderful friends I have in real life as well as in cyberspace.
Pace has never experienced depression. I try to explain to him how I feel, how I feel so inadequate, how I feel fat and broken, how sensitive I am to EVERYTHING, how much I miss the baby that should still be in my belly right now. I try to explain to him how sad I am and how terrified I am to go home this year for Christmas and see my two VERY pregnant sisters. But he doesn't get it.
He has never experienced depression. He can roll with the punches and put on a happy face...always. He doesn't fight back tears when someone announces that they are pregnant, he doesn't feel like vomiting when he sees a pregnant woman, he doesn't look at my belly every day and think...she should be 21 weeks along right now. He doesn't think about those things....I do.
It is difficult for me to talk to him about how I am feeling because his answer is always "try being more optimistic." Think happy thoughts. Do you know how much I wish I COULD think happy thoughts?
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are far worse things that could be happening in my life right now, and I know that I am very blessed to have what I have, but I just feel so distant from everyone else. I feel like I am from some foreign planet, I have landed here on Earth and am trying to fit in the best way I can without anyone noticing me.
I am not doing a very good job. I wish I could go back 6 years to my partying days when Pace and I's relationship was fresh and new. WhenI wanted to party and I laughed, and was happy, and wanted to meet new people, and we had SO much fun together and we lived life to its fullest. That is the person he feel in love with...and here he is 6 years later...with me, a totally different...me.
I have realized that I am not the person my husband fell in love with 6 years ago. OK...I have known for a while that he did not bargain for the whole infertility thing, but tonight I realized that it is way more than that.
I am depressed.
I get that some people have never experienced depression. I have. I have dealt with it since I was a teenager. I have been medicated for it in the past, and have thought about seeing a therapist recently, but to be honest. I don't want to.
It's not that I don't want to feel better, it's about squeezing one more damn dr. visit into my life and swallowing one more damn pill every day. I just don't think I can take it.
I have tried to fake happy, I have tried to pretend that all is hunky dorie and that life goes on blah blah blah, but for someone that is experiencing depression...it doesn't. I have anxiety attacks, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am sad that I don't have a close girlfriend, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be close to me. I feel so isolated and alone even with all of the wonderful friends I have in real life as well as in cyberspace.
Pace has never experienced depression. I try to explain to him how I feel, how I feel so inadequate, how I feel fat and broken, how sensitive I am to EVERYTHING, how much I miss the baby that should still be in my belly right now. I try to explain to him how sad I am and how terrified I am to go home this year for Christmas and see my two VERY pregnant sisters. But he doesn't get it.
He has never experienced depression. He can roll with the punches and put on a happy face...always. He doesn't fight back tears when someone announces that they are pregnant, he doesn't feel like vomiting when he sees a pregnant woman, he doesn't look at my belly every day and think...she should be 21 weeks along right now. He doesn't think about those things....I do.
It is difficult for me to talk to him about how I am feeling because his answer is always "try being more optimistic." Think happy thoughts. Do you know how much I wish I COULD think happy thoughts?
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are far worse things that could be happening in my life right now, and I know that I am very blessed to have what I have, but I just feel so distant from everyone else. I feel like I am from some foreign planet, I have landed here on Earth and am trying to fit in the best way I can without anyone noticing me.
I am not doing a very good job. I wish I could go back 6 years to my partying days when Pace and I's relationship was fresh and new. WhenI wanted to party and I laughed, and was happy, and wanted to meet new people, and we had SO much fun together and we lived life to its fullest. That is the person he feel in love with...and here he is 6 years later...with me, a totally different...me.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
The talks
The talk with Pace - went very well. Of course it did, he was amazingly supportive and I think it really got to him a little bit. I guess no one likes the idea of someone they love having to have surgery. We are both tired. We have decided to start requesting information packets from adoption agencies and at least start the paperwork. We are going to take our time on this though because 1. we don't have the money for adoption and 2. it feels like I am giving up on my body - and I am not ready to do that.
The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.
When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my chart...you would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.
This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.
So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.
The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?
The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.
When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my chart...you would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.
This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.
So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.
The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?
Monday, December 01, 2008
I'm pulling the trigger...
For the last 6 months or so, I have been experiencing very common symptoms of endometriosis. I am not going to go into details on exactly what those symptoms are because some of you I know in real life and even after all of this infertility crap, I still have a little bit of pride left.
However, lets just say that it has been very painful and to be honest quite scary.
I haven't told anyone about my suspicions. I haven't even talked to Pace about this because I am tired of talking about how screwed up my body is. I am tired of talking about dr. appts and treatments and taking medicines. I am tired of it all.
After a very intensely painful day yesterday and a few google searches, I pulled the trigger. I scheduled an appt. with my dr. tomorrow to have a consult and possibly schedule a laprascopic surgery to look for (and if found remove) endometriosis.
For those of you who do not know what endo is, basically it is endometrial tissue (the tissue that is supposed to be on the INSIDE of your uterus and is shed monthly if conception does not occur) that somehow escapes and floats out into (most commonly) the abdomen. This tissue can affect the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, bladder and bowels. It binds organs together which you can imagine can be pretty painful. The most discomfort is typically during menstration.
The best way to diagnose endo is to have laparascopic surgery where they enter your abdomen via a small incision near the belly button. They put in a laparascope to look around for any endo and if found can take samples for a biopsy.
Fun fun. Honestly, I am terrified. I am terrified that they will find something else wrong with me. Now that I seem to have my PCOS under control (as much as possible anyway) there is something else. I will be even more broken, I will be even more defected and feel like even less of a woman. More treatments, more money, more explanations and more feelings of failure.
I am telling Pace about it all tonight and...yes...I am terrified. I am terrified that one day he will wake up and see me the way I see myself. A broken body, with a shattered spirit and now with a broken heart.
However, lets just say that it has been very painful and to be honest quite scary.
I haven't told anyone about my suspicions. I haven't even talked to Pace about this because I am tired of talking about how screwed up my body is. I am tired of talking about dr. appts and treatments and taking medicines. I am tired of it all.
After a very intensely painful day yesterday and a few google searches, I pulled the trigger. I scheduled an appt. with my dr. tomorrow to have a consult and possibly schedule a laprascopic surgery to look for (and if found remove) endometriosis.
For those of you who do not know what endo is, basically it is endometrial tissue (the tissue that is supposed to be on the INSIDE of your uterus and is shed monthly if conception does not occur) that somehow escapes and floats out into (most commonly) the abdomen. This tissue can affect the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, bladder and bowels. It binds organs together which you can imagine can be pretty painful. The most discomfort is typically during menstration.
The best way to diagnose endo is to have laparascopic surgery where they enter your abdomen via a small incision near the belly button. They put in a laparascope to look around for any endo and if found can take samples for a biopsy.
Fun fun. Honestly, I am terrified. I am terrified that they will find something else wrong with me. Now that I seem to have my PCOS under control (as much as possible anyway) there is something else. I will be even more broken, I will be even more defected and feel like even less of a woman. More treatments, more money, more explanations and more feelings of failure.
I am telling Pace about it all tonight and...yes...I am terrified. I am terrified that one day he will wake up and see me the way I see myself. A broken body, with a shattered spirit and now with a broken heart.
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