Thank you for the recent tags...I wasn't really on the Internet this weekend, so I am going to answer a few tags first before I get to the nitty gritty:
Hope2Morrow Tagged me on this one:
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? Honey
3. Your hair? blondish
4. Your mother? compassionate
5. Your father? unrealistic
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? unsure
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? pregnancy
10. The room you're in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? miscarriage
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? retired
14. What you're not? bored
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. One of your wish list items? truck
17. Where you grew up? Kansas
18. The last thing you did? ate
19. What are you wearing? capris
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pet? dogs
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? Yeah
25. Your car? white
26. Something you are not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? friends
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today
River's Bend tagged me for this sort of random activity...here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about myself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.Here are 6 random things about myself:
1. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. At one point we had 22 cats living on our farm. This is no joke. Seriously...we were feeding all 22 of them. Thankfully they were all outdoor cats.
2. I can roller blade but I cannot roller skate. I tried to roller skate a couple of years ago with my niece and as soon as I stood up on them...I was on my butt (very embarrassed and in a lot of pain) However, strap me into some roller blades and away I go. (well I don't know so much anymore...but I USED to be REALLY good!)
3. I fell asleep at the wheel one night when I was on my way home during High School. It wasn't even that late, It was only like 8:30 pm. I never felt tired, I just remember waking up to grass whizzing by me as I was driving in the ditch. I over corrected, ended up on the other side of the highway and then over corrected again to the right side of the highway and ended up in the ditch. No damage to my car, and the only damaged I suffered was the fear of driving. My mom came to the accident sight as they towed my car out of the deep ravine I (we) landed in and she made me drive home!!!
4. I didn't learn how to swim under water until I was 20 years old. When I moved to AZ, my niece and nephew were in swim lessons and I would take them to their lesson and then take them to the pool afterwards. Well...I finally asked them (they were 7 and 8 at the time) if they would teach me what they were learning in swim lessons...and they did!!! So know I can successfully swim under water thanks to my loving niece and nephew!
5. I am horrible about putting my shoes away. I leave them all over the house. I leave them in the living room, in the entry, in the hallway, in the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the kitchen I leave them everywhere. I don't know why, I just kick my shoes off wherever I want and then I get too lazy to pick them up I guess. My husband HATES this about me. Out of all of my quirks...this is the one that bugs him the most...I just can't break it.
6. I'm PREGNANT!!! OMG...I tested on Saturday evening because AF hadn't shown and we were getting ready to go to a party. I wanted to be safe in case I decided to have a few drinks...so I tested and it was POSITIVE!!! I am so over the moon, it feels so surreal and I am still in total shock! Thank you all so much for all of your support and your love that has helped me get to this point. I am forever grateful to you! My first dr. appt. is on Monday so I will have more info (hopefully all good) then!
I am tagging: Bec @ Crazy Lady Ramblings, I believe in Miracles, Mama Wanna Be , The Weber Family, The Life of a Miracle Baby, and Serenity Now!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Friday, August 08, 2008
Rain, Cars and Football
It rained last night. And it was beautiful. I love the monsoon storms in Arizona, it doesn't rain often here, but when it does...look out! The storms come in quickly, full of power, full of lightning, it dumps the rain and then it is just calm and quiet.
I am kind of in a funk the last couple of days. Pace has been working a lot of hours the last couple of weeks. As in...working the day shift AND the night shift! So I kind of feel a little isolated from him right now. I am sure the stress of waiting for AF has something to do with it as well. I have been pretty proud of myself for not testing yet. I am a POASaholic...so this is taking much restraint and determination for me, but I DON'T want to go into work after another BFN. If AF hasn't shown up by Sunday morning, I will probably test.
I am not all that hopeful for this cycle with the screwy OPT and the lack of any symptoms whatsoever...but who knows. It is in God's hands and nothing I do about it at this point will do any good. I just need to have faith that He knows my plan.
I have decided to sell my car and get a truck. We need something that will haul all of our camping stuff and the quads up north when we want to go camping or riding and I am ready for a change. It is kind of bitter sweet though. As I was washing off my car so I could take pictures I started reminiscing about buying this car. It was seven years ago, I was single and buying my first car and I had two priorities. Two things that were a must when purchasing a car.
1. a CD player
2. backseat that would comfortably accommodate a car seat.
Yep...that's right. I wasn't dating anyone, I wasn't trying to conceive but my priorities were to be prepared to have children. It makes me sad to know that one of the main intentions was to put a baby in the car and that never happened (at least not my baby) only my mother in laws baby.
So...it is a little bitter sweet for me to get rid of my car. My first big purchase. My first big independent move as an adult. My first car.
I am so glad today is Friday! Work has been such a depressing place lately. Almost everyone I work with is a non-believer (or at least not active believers) and it makes me sad. When I come to work it is full of tension, full of anger and resentment. I remember when coming to work was the highlight of my day. It used to be fun, uplifting and pleasant. I used to feel good when I left, not stressed, drained and ultimately beat up. I can be so filled with the Holy Spirit on Sunday and by midday on Monday...I am zapped. Just drained. I need to find ways to fill myself during the week so I don't feel so defeated by the end of the week.
On a high note: FOOTBALL PRE-SEASON HAS STARTED!!! I am SO happy football season is here. It is my favorite sport and I was so excited to see football on my TV last night!!!
This weekend should be ok. We are going to a going away party for Pace's best friend on Saturday evening. He is getting ready to move to another state. Other than that, not really any other plans for the weekend except...HOPEFULLY getting a BFP on Sunday!
I am kind of in a funk the last couple of days. Pace has been working a lot of hours the last couple of weeks. As in...working the day shift AND the night shift! So I kind of feel a little isolated from him right now. I am sure the stress of waiting for AF has something to do with it as well. I have been pretty proud of myself for not testing yet. I am a POASaholic...so this is taking much restraint and determination for me, but I DON'T want to go into work after another BFN. If AF hasn't shown up by Sunday morning, I will probably test.
I am not all that hopeful for this cycle with the screwy OPT and the lack of any symptoms whatsoever...but who knows. It is in God's hands and nothing I do about it at this point will do any good. I just need to have faith that He knows my plan.
I have decided to sell my car and get a truck. We need something that will haul all of our camping stuff and the quads up north when we want to go camping or riding and I am ready for a change. It is kind of bitter sweet though. As I was washing off my car so I could take pictures I started reminiscing about buying this car. It was seven years ago, I was single and buying my first car and I had two priorities. Two things that were a must when purchasing a car.
1. a CD player
2. backseat that would comfortably accommodate a car seat.
Yep...that's right. I wasn't dating anyone, I wasn't trying to conceive but my priorities were to be prepared to have children. It makes me sad to know that one of the main intentions was to put a baby in the car and that never happened (at least not my baby) only my mother in laws baby.
So...it is a little bitter sweet for me to get rid of my car. My first big purchase. My first big independent move as an adult. My first car.
I am so glad today is Friday! Work has been such a depressing place lately. Almost everyone I work with is a non-believer (or at least not active believers) and it makes me sad. When I come to work it is full of tension, full of anger and resentment. I remember when coming to work was the highlight of my day. It used to be fun, uplifting and pleasant. I used to feel good when I left, not stressed, drained and ultimately beat up. I can be so filled with the Holy Spirit on Sunday and by midday on Monday...I am zapped. Just drained. I need to find ways to fill myself during the week so I don't feel so defeated by the end of the week.
On a high note: FOOTBALL PRE-SEASON HAS STARTED!!! I am SO happy football season is here. It is my favorite sport and I was so excited to see football on my TV last night!!!
This weekend should be ok. We are going to a going away party for Pace's best friend on Saturday evening. He is getting ready to move to another state. Other than that, not really any other plans for the weekend except...HOPEFULLY getting a BFP on Sunday!
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The summer is coming to a close
As I drove to work this morning...I saw school buses. Which means that summer is ending. It makes me a little happy because that means that the weather will cool down again (well, at least it will cool down in a couple of months) but it makes me a little sad too because it is another season change with no pregnancy...no baby.
I am trying to remain faithful and it has been very helpful for me recently because I found some fellow Infertile Christian bloggers. They have been a HUGE blessing for me and a major inspiration.
On Friday evening we had our "House of the Refining Fire" gathering. It was AWESOME!!! The Pastor from Africa was incredible. She was so passionate, so alive with the Lord and just saturated in the Holy Spirit! She prayed over me for my infertility and she said that God told her that by this time next year I would be holding a baby. So...if my math is correct, that means I should be pregnant in the next couple of months.
I am really trying to be faithful and just KNOW that it is TRUE and it will happen, but after 3 and a half years of waiting, I am not nearly as optimistic as I should be. So I pray in the morning that God will help me believe, that he will keep me encouraged and my heart light. I know that it is all in His timing...I just wish I knew His timing!
On Saturday I test drove a truck. My little Pon.tiac is finally about to kick the bucket and we need something big enough to haul our trailer with the quads on it. So...I test drove a Toy.ota Tu.ndra. I LOVED IT!!! It drove so easy and parked even easier! So now we are just trying to figure out how much (or how little) I can get for my little car and then go for it. Pace's truck will officially be paid off in a couple of days, so we can just swap his payment for a new one. Grrr I really wish we had the money to pay cash! (of course if we did have that kind of cash...we would probably hang on to it for IF treatments)
Cycle update: Still have no idea where I am in my cycle, however IF I ovulated this month, I would be 13DPO today. I am still trying to stick to the don't test, just wait for AF method this cycle. In order to get the most accurate test, you should use first morning urine and I can't handle testing before work, getting a BFN and then going to work again. Last month that really backfired on me, so I am going to try and avoid that this month. I woke up this morning and my bb's weren't nearly as sore, so I am not sure that is a good sign...but only God knows what he is doing with my body!
So...Seasons come and Seasons go. I sincerely hope that the Lord is bringing my Season of Infertility to a close.
I am trying to remain faithful and it has been very helpful for me recently because I found some fellow Infertile Christian bloggers. They have been a HUGE blessing for me and a major inspiration.
On Friday evening we had our "House of the Refining Fire" gathering. It was AWESOME!!! The Pastor from Africa was incredible. She was so passionate, so alive with the Lord and just saturated in the Holy Spirit! She prayed over me for my infertility and she said that God told her that by this time next year I would be holding a baby. So...if my math is correct, that means I should be pregnant in the next couple of months.
I am really trying to be faithful and just KNOW that it is TRUE and it will happen, but after 3 and a half years of waiting, I am not nearly as optimistic as I should be. So I pray in the morning that God will help me believe, that he will keep me encouraged and my heart light. I know that it is all in His timing...I just wish I knew His timing!
On Saturday I test drove a truck. My little Pon.tiac is finally about to kick the bucket and we need something big enough to haul our trailer with the quads on it. So...I test drove a Toy.ota Tu.ndra. I LOVED IT!!! It drove so easy and parked even easier! So now we are just trying to figure out how much (or how little) I can get for my little car and then go for it. Pace's truck will officially be paid off in a couple of days, so we can just swap his payment for a new one. Grrr I really wish we had the money to pay cash! (of course if we did have that kind of cash...we would probably hang on to it for IF treatments)
Cycle update: Still have no idea where I am in my cycle, however IF I ovulated this month, I would be 13DPO today. I am still trying to stick to the don't test, just wait for AF method this cycle. In order to get the most accurate test, you should use first morning urine and I can't handle testing before work, getting a BFN and then going to work again. Last month that really backfired on me, so I am going to try and avoid that this month. I woke up this morning and my bb's weren't nearly as sore, so I am not sure that is a good sign...but only God knows what he is doing with my body!
So...Seasons come and Seasons go. I sincerely hope that the Lord is bringing my Season of Infertility to a close.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Pressing In
I had an amazing weekend (I know I am kind of late to post about the weekend, but better late than never) Pace and I drove up North to Mayer, AZ. It is a tiny little town right off the highway, very quaint and peaceful.
We stayed in this little lodge with a King bed and a heart shaped jacuzzi tub in the living room right next to the fireplace. It had a screened in porch in the back that overlooked trees and a creek. It was so peaceful there and so romantic! We took the quads up there and rode out in the desert. It was beautiful. As soon as we got the quads unloaded, it started sprinkling and sprinkled for about an hour or two. It was amazing! It was so peaceful, the weather was beautiful and it was wonderful being there with my hubby.
This week has been so busy...Pace has been working 17 hour days (which means he is working at night) so it has been really hectic around my house. I hate being home alone especially at night. My dog is super protective of me when I am at the house alone, so every time a car drives by or he hears something he starts barking and freaks me out! I try to keep myself busy and stay awake as long as possible so that I can easily just fall asleep.
We are hosting an event at our house tomorrow evening. It is called "House of the Refining Fire." Pastor Irene from Uganda Africa is going to be in our house facilitating a praise and worship session and rockin the house! I am very excited.
The Christian people in Africa have a much stronger faith than the majority of Americans. They come to Pastor Irene BELIEVING that they are going to be healed, BELIEVING that they will encounter the Lord, BELIEVING that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior. They sing out loud, they dance, they cry, they totally devote their entire minds and bodies to praising the Lord. They are not embarrassed, they are not ashamed, they are not concerned about what they look like when they are praising the Lord, their only concern is that they are pressing in, they are actively searching for the Lord and EXPECTING His presence.
American Christians (most of us anyway) are too prideful. We are too concerned that the person next to us will think we are "radical", "crazy", "possessed", or "brain washed". We are not afraid to scream and yell and be crazy at a sporting event, but when it comes to our Lord...we are suddenly shy. We have no problem proudly plastering our homes, cars, and offices with our favorite sports team, favorite player, favorite singer, favorite dancer...however we are hesitant to hang a cross, wear a cross, wear religious clothing or anything related to Him.
So I am so excited to be able to personally experience the "fire" of the African Christian culture and be able to witness the miracles that faith can bring.
As for the infertility front...I have no idea where I am in my cycle. IF I ovulated last week...then I am currently 8DPO. But again, I don't know if I actually ovulated or not, so I am just going to try and NOT test and just wait for AF to show. I have been having sore bb's and some cramping today so maybe "she" is on her way.
We stayed in this little lodge with a King bed and a heart shaped jacuzzi tub in the living room right next to the fireplace. It had a screened in porch in the back that overlooked trees and a creek. It was so peaceful there and so romantic! We took the quads up there and rode out in the desert. It was beautiful. As soon as we got the quads unloaded, it started sprinkling and sprinkled for about an hour or two. It was amazing! It was so peaceful, the weather was beautiful and it was wonderful being there with my hubby.
This week has been so busy...Pace has been working 17 hour days (which means he is working at night) so it has been really hectic around my house. I hate being home alone especially at night. My dog is super protective of me when I am at the house alone, so every time a car drives by or he hears something he starts barking and freaks me out! I try to keep myself busy and stay awake as long as possible so that I can easily just fall asleep.
We are hosting an event at our house tomorrow evening. It is called "House of the Refining Fire." Pastor Irene from Uganda Africa is going to be in our house facilitating a praise and worship session and rockin the house! I am very excited.
The Christian people in Africa have a much stronger faith than the majority of Americans. They come to Pastor Irene BELIEVING that they are going to be healed, BELIEVING that they will encounter the Lord, BELIEVING that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior. They sing out loud, they dance, they cry, they totally devote their entire minds and bodies to praising the Lord. They are not embarrassed, they are not ashamed, they are not concerned about what they look like when they are praising the Lord, their only concern is that they are pressing in, they are actively searching for the Lord and EXPECTING His presence.
American Christians (most of us anyway) are too prideful. We are too concerned that the person next to us will think we are "radical", "crazy", "possessed", or "brain washed". We are not afraid to scream and yell and be crazy at a sporting event, but when it comes to our Lord...we are suddenly shy. We have no problem proudly plastering our homes, cars, and offices with our favorite sports team, favorite player, favorite singer, favorite dancer...however we are hesitant to hang a cross, wear a cross, wear religious clothing or anything related to Him.
So I am so excited to be able to personally experience the "fire" of the African Christian culture and be able to witness the miracles that faith can bring.
As for the infertility front...I have no idea where I am in my cycle. IF I ovulated last week...then I am currently 8DPO. But again, I don't know if I actually ovulated or not, so I am just going to try and NOT test and just wait for AF to show. I have been having sore bb's and some cramping today so maybe "she" is on her way.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Finally...the end of the week...
This has been a stressful week - ok it has been a stressful couple of weeks! I still am not sure if I ovulated or not. My test on Wednesday morning had two lines and the test line was almost as dark as the control, but not quite. All tests since then have been lighter and lighter.
So I think I may be 2DPO, but I am not really sure. This may be an anovulatory cycle.
I have no symptoms...none. Not even made up ones.
I don't have cramping, I don't have sore bb's, I am not tired, I have NO symptoms.
So, I am just waiting, I don't think I am even going to test this month. I think I am just going to wait until AF shows (since she has actually been showing up lately). I just don't have the energy to deal with another BFN. Not right now. And especially since my sister is pg now.
So I think I may be 2DPO, but I am not really sure. This may be an anovulatory cycle.
I have no symptoms...none. Not even made up ones.
I don't have cramping, I don't have sore bb's, I am not tired, I have NO symptoms.
So, I am just waiting, I don't think I am even going to test this month. I think I am just going to wait until AF shows (since she has actually been showing up lately). I just don't have the energy to deal with another BFN. Not right now. And especially since my sister is pg now.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Update on me...
Today is CD16 for me. I still haven't received a + ovulation yet, but that is ok cause last month I didn't "O" until CD22, so I am just patiently waiting. Well I am kind of being patient.
My ovaries are feeling a little swollen/ tender today. I am really tired and I think I am coming down with a cold. I am sure stress has nothing to do with it. Haha
Last week was a very difficult week for me. In my last blog I wrote that my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. I didn't write a whole lot about it at the time because I needed time to process it all first. I am not sure if any of my family members read my blog, and I want to be very careful to not offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. So if any of you reading this are family members, please know that I am so happy for her, but at the same time sad for myself. Trust me, I am really excited to have another niece or nephew and I am estatic for my sister, but at the same time...DAMN!
My sister had originally decided that she didn't want anymore kids. She has one boy and one girl and that was going to be the end for them. So, imagine my suprise when she called to tell me she was pg. I had absolutely no clue they were trying and to be honest...I would have appreciated the heads up. At least that way I could have prepared for the phone call. My sister's have no problem getting pg, so if she would have told me they were trying, at least I would have had a month or two to prepare. My other sister is trying right now as well. It is only a matter of time till I get that phone call too.
So now, all my family thinks that it would be so cool if all 3 of us were pg at the same time.
Well. I don't.
What if I don't get pg? Then Christmas time will be there and I will get to spend it with my two pregnant sisters. The same two sisters that already have 2 children (one sister was pg at my wedding, the other got pg a couple of months later). I get to see everyone's faces of pity and all of the akward conversation and questioning that I REALLY don't want to endure.
What if I do get pg? Then I have to share the glory (for lack of better words) with my two sisters. Don't get me wrong, if I do end up getting pg in the next couple of months...I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL...but at the same time, I kind of wanted my own time to be pg. Not time to share with my two sisters. I am being selfish...I know. But this is what IF has done to me. I can't help feeling this way. It would be like 3 sisters planning their wedding at the same time and getting married at the same time. The first pg for a woman should be a special time - her own time to enjoy and be doted upon. Especially after 3 and a half years of trying for that first pregnancy.
I don't know, I guess I am not handling it very well. I love my sisters and am close to them, but IF is definately effecting my relationship with them. I got to hear the all time favorite (once you start the adoption process, you will get pregnant) comment this week. My sister meant well, but that is one of the most insensitive comments one could make. It is almost as bad as "If you just relaxed, it would happen" or "My cousins sister in law had trouble and as soon as they quit trying, BOOM, she got pregnant". I could go on an on about this situation, but it really doesn't get my anywhere, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it.
My ovaries are feeling a little swollen/ tender today. I am really tired and I think I am coming down with a cold. I am sure stress has nothing to do with it. Haha
Last week was a very difficult week for me. In my last blog I wrote that my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. I didn't write a whole lot about it at the time because I needed time to process it all first. I am not sure if any of my family members read my blog, and I want to be very careful to not offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. So if any of you reading this are family members, please know that I am so happy for her, but at the same time sad for myself. Trust me, I am really excited to have another niece or nephew and I am estatic for my sister, but at the same time...DAMN!
My sister had originally decided that she didn't want anymore kids. She has one boy and one girl and that was going to be the end for them. So, imagine my suprise when she called to tell me she was pg. I had absolutely no clue they were trying and to be honest...I would have appreciated the heads up. At least that way I could have prepared for the phone call. My sister's have no problem getting pg, so if she would have told me they were trying, at least I would have had a month or two to prepare. My other sister is trying right now as well. It is only a matter of time till I get that phone call too.
So now, all my family thinks that it would be so cool if all 3 of us were pg at the same time.
Well. I don't.
What if I don't get pg? Then Christmas time will be there and I will get to spend it with my two pregnant sisters. The same two sisters that already have 2 children (one sister was pg at my wedding, the other got pg a couple of months later). I get to see everyone's faces of pity and all of the akward conversation and questioning that I REALLY don't want to endure.
What if I do get pg? Then I have to share the glory (for lack of better words) with my two sisters. Don't get me wrong, if I do end up getting pg in the next couple of months...I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL...but at the same time, I kind of wanted my own time to be pg. Not time to share with my two sisters. I am being selfish...I know. But this is what IF has done to me. I can't help feeling this way. It would be like 3 sisters planning their wedding at the same time and getting married at the same time. The first pg for a woman should be a special time - her own time to enjoy and be doted upon. Especially after 3 and a half years of trying for that first pregnancy.
I don't know, I guess I am not handling it very well. I love my sisters and am close to them, but IF is definately effecting my relationship with them. I got to hear the all time favorite (once you start the adoption process, you will get pregnant) comment this week. My sister meant well, but that is one of the most insensitive comments one could make. It is almost as bad as "If you just relaxed, it would happen" or "My cousins sister in law had trouble and as soon as they quit trying, BOOM, she got pregnant". I could go on an on about this situation, but it really doesn't get my anywhere, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
CD12 Update
I'm here...CD12. No "O" yet. Started the glorious monotony of peeing on sticks tonight.
My sister called yesterday to tell me that she is pg. I didn't even know she was trying. So I am a little shocked and a little confused but totally happy for her. A little jealous...but happy just the same.
I am going to be an aunt again!
My sister called yesterday to tell me that she is pg. I didn't even know she was trying. So I am a little shocked and a little confused but totally happy for her. A little jealous...but happy just the same.
I am going to be an aunt again!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Impossible to Please
I decided this morning as I was getting ready for work that I am impossible to please. (and my husband would probably agree)
Last cycle, I had quite a few of the common symptoms with Clo.mid. Being extremely tired, had sore, swollen ovaries, headaches, sore bb's, EXTREME mood swings, etc. So of course I was totally dreading having to take it again this month especially since I was doubling the dose.
I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. He answered. I have had almost zero symptoms. I am a little edgy and I was really tired on Friday and Saturday, however other than that...I have had no symptoms. Seriously...none. (I am sure I am jinxing myself right now, but I just had to share)
So now, I am questioning if the Clo.mid is working since I don't have any symptoms. I chose to not do u/s monitoring with Clo.mid for multiple reasons 1) cost 2) emotional stress 3) cost etc. So I was unhappy when I had symptoms because it made me feel like a zombie monster and now I am disappointed that I don't have symptoms cause it makes me feel like it isn't working. (You know, it is like the shampoo test...if it doesn't have lots of suds, then it isn't working).
I had a very relaxing weekend. I started a new book that my friend J bought me for my birthday. It is written by Stephenie Meyer and is titled "Twilight." It was an awesome book! It is like a 500 page book and I read it all between Saturday and Sunday. I highly recommend it, it is a fun, easy read that is so hard to put down!
I had a very nice anonymous comment from someone on my last post. To you, the anonymous blogger...I send my deepest thanks. It was very heartfelt and genuine and I really want to send you my thanks. I hope that you never have to go through what I and so many others are going through. Thank you for your kind words and support!
I have had a couple of people ask me what some of the terms I use in my blog mean, so I am going to list a few of them here:
DH - Dear Husband
BFP - Big Fat Positive! (haven't used this one yet...but hopefully soon!)
BFN - Big Fat Negative - used this way too often
IUI - Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
CD - Cycle Day (Day 1 is the first day of your period)
DPO - Days past ovulation (start counting the day after you get a + OPT
AF - Aunt Flow (period)
BB's - Breasts
IF - Infertility
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
OPT - Ovulation Prediction Test
OPK - Ovulation Prediction Kit
PG - pregnant or pregnancy
I can't think of any others...but if there is anything I write that you don't know or understand...don't hesitate to ask. I guess after 3 and a half years, I just rattle these things off and forget that not everyone speaks IF language. Sorry!
Last cycle, I had quite a few of the common symptoms with Clo.mid. Being extremely tired, had sore, swollen ovaries, headaches, sore bb's, EXTREME mood swings, etc. So of course I was totally dreading having to take it again this month especially since I was doubling the dose.
I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. He answered. I have had almost zero symptoms. I am a little edgy and I was really tired on Friday and Saturday, however other than that...I have had no symptoms. Seriously...none. (I am sure I am jinxing myself right now, but I just had to share)
So now, I am questioning if the Clo.mid is working since I don't have any symptoms. I chose to not do u/s monitoring with Clo.mid for multiple reasons 1) cost 2) emotional stress 3) cost etc. So I was unhappy when I had symptoms because it made me feel like a zombie monster and now I am disappointed that I don't have symptoms cause it makes me feel like it isn't working. (You know, it is like the shampoo test...if it doesn't have lots of suds, then it isn't working).
I had a very relaxing weekend. I started a new book that my friend J bought me for my birthday. It is written by Stephenie Meyer and is titled "Twilight." It was an awesome book! It is like a 500 page book and I read it all between Saturday and Sunday. I highly recommend it, it is a fun, easy read that is so hard to put down!
I had a very nice anonymous comment from someone on my last post. To you, the anonymous blogger...I send my deepest thanks. It was very heartfelt and genuine and I really want to send you my thanks. I hope that you never have to go through what I and so many others are going through. Thank you for your kind words and support!
I have had a couple of people ask me what some of the terms I use in my blog mean, so I am going to list a few of them here:
DH - Dear Husband
BFP - Big Fat Positive! (haven't used this one yet...but hopefully soon!)
BFN - Big Fat Negative - used this way too often
IUI - Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
CD - Cycle Day (Day 1 is the first day of your period)
DPO - Days past ovulation (start counting the day after you get a + OPT
AF - Aunt Flow (period)
BB's - Breasts
IF - Infertility
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
OPT - Ovulation Prediction Test
OPK - Ovulation Prediction Kit
PG - pregnant or pregnancy
I can't think of any others...but if there is anything I write that you don't know or understand...don't hesitate to ask. I guess after 3 and a half years, I just rattle these things off and forget that not everyone speaks IF language. Sorry!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Rockin and Rollin
I have had the most amazing week with my husband. Sometimes we just go through these spurts of not really enjoying each other's company. It's not that we don't love each other or anything, we just go through times where we don't really talk that much, and we don't spend a whole lot of time together. This week however, I feel so close to him.
Last night we sat outside on our porch watching the beautiful monsoon storms and talking and talking and talking. We were outside hanging out and visiting for three hours. We laughed, I cried, we laughed some more, it was awesome! Every night this week we have spent real quality time together. We swam together, went out for drinks...just really enjoyed each other.
I love him and have SO enjoyed spending this quality time with him. Tomorrow is our massage, dinner and a movie night. This is definately a great start to this cycle!
I started Clo.mid last night. 100mg. I have felt pretty good today, no side effects. So far...So good.
My weight has been bothering me again lately. I saw pictures my friend T took at my birthday party last weekend and also some other pics from a friend the other day and they just really bothered me. The last six months I have been really confident and felt really good about my weight loss. However, now I think I am over it. I need to lose more, I want to lose more. I just wish it was as easy to lose as it was to gain! Grrrrr
Last night we sat outside on our porch watching the beautiful monsoon storms and talking and talking and talking. We were outside hanging out and visiting for three hours. We laughed, I cried, we laughed some more, it was awesome! Every night this week we have spent real quality time together. We swam together, went out for drinks...just really enjoyed each other.
I love him and have SO enjoyed spending this quality time with him. Tomorrow is our massage, dinner and a movie night. This is definately a great start to this cycle!
I started Clo.mid last night. 100mg. I have felt pretty good today, no side effects. So far...So good.
My weight has been bothering me again lately. I saw pictures my friend T took at my birthday party last weekend and also some other pics from a friend the other day and they just really bothered me. The last six months I have been really confident and felt really good about my weight loss. However, now I think I am over it. I need to lose more, I want to lose more. I just wish it was as easy to lose as it was to gain! Grrrrr
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Wow Wow Wow
I logged on today and realized that
1. I have been a rotten blogging friend. I have not been good at keeping up with my fellow IF bloggers
2. I need to change my age in my description to "27"
3. The last post I posted was my 100th post.
So in honor of the three statements above...I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to be a better blogging friend which includes not leaving people out there hanging during my 2WW. I am going to change my age...reluctantly I will admit, but I will do it. And....HAPPY 100TH POST TO ME!!!
There, now I can move on to other business.
I am feeling much better today. Pace and I had a great visit last night about our future steps. We decided to give Clo.mid at least a couple more months...then we will go a couple of months with no treatment and then either begin pursuing adoption or go back to my RE.
Tonight though...we are going to crack a bottle of champagne and hang out in the pool. Just the two of us. I start Clo.mid tomorrow so I kind of want to just enjoy tonight.
For our aniversary (In February) I bought us a gift certificate for a relaxation couples massage. Well...I finally called today and scheduled it for this coming Saturday. We are going to do a nice couples massage and then do dinner and a movie. Just a romantic evening for the two of us. Yeah! I can't wait.
1. I have been a rotten blogging friend. I have not been good at keeping up with my fellow IF bloggers
2. I need to change my age in my description to "27"
3. The last post I posted was my 100th post.
So in honor of the three statements above...I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to be a better blogging friend which includes not leaving people out there hanging during my 2WW. I am going to change my age...reluctantly I will admit, but I will do it. And....HAPPY 100TH POST TO ME!!!
There, now I can move on to other business.
I am feeling much better today. Pace and I had a great visit last night about our future steps. We decided to give Clo.mid at least a couple more months...then we will go a couple of months with no treatment and then either begin pursuing adoption or go back to my RE.
Tonight though...we are going to crack a bottle of champagne and hang out in the pool. Just the two of us. I start Clo.mid tomorrow so I kind of want to just enjoy tonight.
For our aniversary (In February) I bought us a gift certificate for a relaxation couples massage. Well...I finally called today and scheduled it for this coming Saturday. We are going to do a nice couples massage and then do dinner and a movie. Just a romantic evening for the two of us. Yeah! I can't wait.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
So Sorry...
I am so sorry I have not updated. Seriously I thought I was going to have to check myself into a white padded rubber room. I am not sure if I can blame it on the Clo.mid or the overall hormone stuff or what, but I have been extremely emotional and moody. I can't wait to actually feel like myself again!
I tested on 12DPO cause I am a glutton for punishment. negative
I tested on 14 DPO. negative
I was devastated once again. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for this cycle...my period started on it's own, I ovulated...I really am grateful, but I just so wanted this to be the month for us!
On a positive note, my friend T came in from Texas on Friday. It was so good to see her! We caught up for a few hours and then the three of us (Pace, T and myself) went out to watch fireworks. We got back to the house kind of late, so we all crashed out.
Saturday was the day of my birthday party. It was so much fun! Not too many people came, but the ones that did had a great time. We rented a karaoke machine and it was a huge HIT! We swam for a while and then sang even longer. Many incriminating photos and videos were taken and fun was had by all.
On Sunday Pace, T, myself and a couple of friends went tubing down the Salt River. This is a huge thing to do here in AZ, however I am not a fan of wild water at all. I have heard some horror stories about the parties and the nudity and such and was actually pretty nervous about the whole event, but I went. I can now say that I am glad I went...but will never go again. It was ok, but it was really hot, there were WAY too many stupid drunk people and I smashed my arse into a huge rock in the rapids that has left a huge purpley, green bruise on my right butt cheek.
We got home from the river and I had to take my friend T back to her in-laws. It was so sad, I didn't want her to go. She and her hubby will be here in Oct. for her husband's R&R and I can't wait to see them again! I so wish they would hurry up and move here already. Hopefully once her hubby gets back from Iraq the will move here.
As soon as I got home from dropping T off...AF rang the doorbell. That's right folks...two months in a row she has come on her own. A fricken miracle!
I am currently on Day 3 and will start 100mg of Clo.mid in 2 days. I am NOT looking forward to another Clo.mid cycle and am not happy at all that I have to take it again. Pace said he has already rented the straight jacket and is ready...I wish I was as ready as he is.
Again, I really apologize for being MIA but I was totally obsessing and literally going crazy over the whole 2WW thing. I am really going to try not to do that this month. It so isn't worth it and I just miss feeling like myself again!
Thanks for those of you that checked up on me! You guys are the best and are totally the reason I had enough nerve to post a new blog today! I will fill you in on how 100 mg of Clo.mid treats me in a few days.
I tested on 12DPO cause I am a glutton for punishment. negative
I tested on 14 DPO. negative
I was devastated once again. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for this cycle...my period started on it's own, I ovulated...I really am grateful, but I just so wanted this to be the month for us!
On a positive note, my friend T came in from Texas on Friday. It was so good to see her! We caught up for a few hours and then the three of us (Pace, T and myself) went out to watch fireworks. We got back to the house kind of late, so we all crashed out.
Saturday was the day of my birthday party. It was so much fun! Not too many people came, but the ones that did had a great time. We rented a karaoke machine and it was a huge HIT! We swam for a while and then sang even longer. Many incriminating photos and videos were taken and fun was had by all.
On Sunday Pace, T, myself and a couple of friends went tubing down the Salt River. This is a huge thing to do here in AZ, however I am not a fan of wild water at all. I have heard some horror stories about the parties and the nudity and such and was actually pretty nervous about the whole event, but I went. I can now say that I am glad I went...but will never go again. It was ok, but it was really hot, there were WAY too many stupid drunk people and I smashed my arse into a huge rock in the rapids that has left a huge purpley, green bruise on my right butt cheek.
We got home from the river and I had to take my friend T back to her in-laws. It was so sad, I didn't want her to go. She and her hubby will be here in Oct. for her husband's R&R and I can't wait to see them again! I so wish they would hurry up and move here already. Hopefully once her hubby gets back from Iraq the will move here.
As soon as I got home from dropping T off...AF rang the doorbell. That's right folks...two months in a row she has come on her own. A fricken miracle!
I am currently on Day 3 and will start 100mg of Clo.mid in 2 days. I am NOT looking forward to another Clo.mid cycle and am not happy at all that I have to take it again. Pace said he has already rented the straight jacket and is ready...I wish I was as ready as he is.
Again, I really apologize for being MIA but I was totally obsessing and literally going crazy over the whole 2WW thing. I am really going to try not to do that this month. It so isn't worth it and I just miss feeling like myself again!
Thanks for those of you that checked up on me! You guys are the best and are totally the reason I had enough nerve to post a new blog today! I will fill you in on how 100 mg of Clo.mid treats me in a few days.
Friday, June 20, 2008
1 DPO
Yep...you read that right. I am officially 1 DPO. According to my dr. I was supposed to stop taking OPT's on Tuesday, but for some reason I just kept taking them. Last night, TOTALLY unexpectedly...TWO LINES SHOWED UP! And the test line was DARKER than the control line!
I was totally taken back. I was totally shaking! I showed Pace the test and then... for the first time we had to do some Baby Dancing on demand. LOL
I am so bummed that I now I have to wait 2 weeks to take a pg test and that the date I am supposed to test is 2 days before my birthday party. But...what are you going to do?
I am just so excited that my body FINALLY seems to be doing something right!
And...I couldn't ask for a better birthday present!
I was totally taken back. I was totally shaking! I showed Pace the test and then... for the first time we had to do some Baby Dancing on demand. LOL
I am so bummed that I now I have to wait 2 weeks to take a pg test and that the date I am supposed to test is 2 days before my birthday party. But...what are you going to do?
I am just so excited that my body FINALLY seems to be doing something right!
And...I couldn't ask for a better birthday present!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Clo.mid...you are a tricky drug!
OK...I know I haven't updated but to be honest I don't know what to say without sounding like a rambling idiot.
I finished my Clo.mid on June 6th. By that time I was VERY uncomfortable. My ovaries felt like they were going to explode any second and I was so tired I could barely function. I was emotional and overall just a mess. So, per my dr.'s orders I began taking OPK's on June 7th, the day after my last Clo.mid.
It was positive.
At first I got really excited...it had actually worked! and worked well! My ovaries were not near as swollen or uncomfortable, so it must be true! I was so excited!...then all the years of pessisimism (thank you infertility) kicked in and I started telling myself that there is no way it worked that fast and that well. Something must be wrong. So I got on Dr. Google and my fears were confirmed. "Clomid can cause false postives on OPK's if OPK is taken within a few days of the last dose of Clomid."
Well, my OPK was positive the day after my last Clomid. So...I HAVE NO IDEA! I continued taking OPK's and haven't gotten another positive yet. So it has been a week and a half of going back and forth...was it a true positive....or a false positive?
Did I really "O"?
It couldn't have worked...
yes it could have...
why couldn't it have worked?...
Because I have been trying for 3 and a half years damn it...that's why.
Psssst....it could have been a true positive...
Arghhhhhh
So...I have decided to treat that positive as a "true" positive AND continue taking OPK's just in case. So...if that was a true positive, I am officially 11DPO (days past ovulation).
I am REALLY trying not to "make up" symptoms, but my body is really tricky! I have had cramps the last couple of days, and am fighting a headache today (which I rarely get). So here I am looking into these symptoms when they probably aren't symptoms, thinking that maybe they are symptoms and I just can't wait for Saturday to be here so I can test.
But...
At the same time I don't want Saturday to come...ever. I am so scared to test. What if it is negative? I am not prepared to deal with another negative test. I am not prepared to tell my husband that another month has failed, I am not prepared to tell my friends and family that another cycle failed. I am not prepared to tell my husband that we will have to spend MORE money on IF.
I am just unprepared
and my head is splitting
and I am so nervous!
Please Lord, let this be the month, let this be the month that you bless us with a baby.
I finished my Clo.mid on June 6th. By that time I was VERY uncomfortable. My ovaries felt like they were going to explode any second and I was so tired I could barely function. I was emotional and overall just a mess. So, per my dr.'s orders I began taking OPK's on June 7th, the day after my last Clo.mid.
It was positive.
At first I got really excited...it had actually worked! and worked well! My ovaries were not near as swollen or uncomfortable, so it must be true! I was so excited!...then all the years of pessisimism (thank you infertility) kicked in and I started telling myself that there is no way it worked that fast and that well. Something must be wrong. So I got on Dr. Google and my fears were confirmed. "Clomid can cause false postives on OPK's if OPK is taken within a few days of the last dose of Clomid."
Well, my OPK was positive the day after my last Clomid. So...I HAVE NO IDEA! I continued taking OPK's and haven't gotten another positive yet. So it has been a week and a half of going back and forth...was it a true positive....or a false positive?
Did I really "O"?
It couldn't have worked...
yes it could have...
why couldn't it have worked?...
Because I have been trying for 3 and a half years damn it...that's why.
Psssst....it could have been a true positive...
Arghhhhhh
So...I have decided to treat that positive as a "true" positive AND continue taking OPK's just in case. So...if that was a true positive, I am officially 11DPO (days past ovulation).
I am REALLY trying not to "make up" symptoms, but my body is really tricky! I have had cramps the last couple of days, and am fighting a headache today (which I rarely get). So here I am looking into these symptoms when they probably aren't symptoms, thinking that maybe they are symptoms and I just can't wait for Saturday to be here so I can test.
But...
At the same time I don't want Saturday to come...ever. I am so scared to test. What if it is negative? I am not prepared to deal with another negative test. I am not prepared to tell my husband that another month has failed, I am not prepared to tell my friends and family that another cycle failed. I am not prepared to tell my husband that we will have to spend MORE money on IF.
I am just unprepared
and my head is splitting
and I am so nervous!
Please Lord, let this be the month, let this be the month that you bless us with a baby.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Day 4
So I am still exhausted. Seriously! Pace went out with some friends last night to watch the basketball game. I was supposed to go but my glands are so swollen (as are my ovaries) and I was just too tired. So I opted to stay home. So I went to the store, bought chocolate ice cream and two celebrity magazines and headed home.
I put on my pj's, curled up on the couch and didn't move the rest of the night.
Today I am still exhausted, I am looking forward to relaxing in my pool catching some rays this weekend. Not a care in the world.
Tonight is my last Clo.mid. Then it is time to start POAS (Peeing on a stick) to look for the big "O". Which reminds me that I need to go to the store to pick up some sticks for my O kit.
I am not being monitored by a dr. right now (as far as going in for ultrasounds) I was jut directed to take the pills and look for "O". Which is good since I have another $1500 to pay until my deductible is met and these dr. bills are KILLING me!
I put on my pj's, curled up on the couch and didn't move the rest of the night.
Today I am still exhausted, I am looking forward to relaxing in my pool catching some rays this weekend. Not a care in the world.
Tonight is my last Clo.mid. Then it is time to start POAS (Peeing on a stick) to look for the big "O". Which reminds me that I need to go to the store to pick up some sticks for my O kit.
I am not being monitored by a dr. right now (as far as going in for ultrasounds) I was jut directed to take the pills and look for "O". Which is good since I have another $1500 to pay until my deductible is met and these dr. bills are KILLING me!
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Holy Hormones!
Yeah, some of the symptoms have hit. The biggest one though is TIREDNESS! I just can't get enough sleep. I am exhausted morning, noon and night. I thought at the beginning of the week that I was just tired from the weekend, but it hasn't gotten any better. Only worse.
I don't remember tiredness being a side effect, but so far that is the main one I have had and for the time being I am going to blame it on the Clo.mid. I can feel my ovaries swelling, so the Clo.mid must be doing something down there.
I have only had one crying spell so far. I totally broke down last night when I came home and the house smelled like cigarette smoke. (I know, I know) Poor Pace, I am sure he is thinking that when I do get pg this is what he is going to have to deal with and may be having second thoughts. :-)
He was good though, I had to leave the house for a while to try and compose myself which backfired because it just made me cry more and made me more tired. When I got back home Pace just held me and let me cry which is exactly what I needed.
I am also still fighting strep throat. I was feeling really good for a couple of days, but then yesterday my left tonsil blew up and hurt like h-e-double hockey sticks. I am so tired of having a sore throat! I have a few more days on my antibiotics and if something doesn't change quickly...I will be back at the dr. Which I am sure will result in a tonsilectomy. Grrrrr
I don't remember tiredness being a side effect, but so far that is the main one I have had and for the time being I am going to blame it on the Clo.mid. I can feel my ovaries swelling, so the Clo.mid must be doing something down there.
I have only had one crying spell so far. I totally broke down last night when I came home and the house smelled like cigarette smoke. (I know, I know) Poor Pace, I am sure he is thinking that when I do get pg this is what he is going to have to deal with and may be having second thoughts. :-)
He was good though, I had to leave the house for a while to try and compose myself which backfired because it just made me cry more and made me more tired. When I got back home Pace just held me and let me cry which is exactly what I needed.
I am also still fighting strep throat. I was feeling really good for a couple of days, but then yesterday my left tonsil blew up and hurt like h-e-double hockey sticks. I am so tired of having a sore throat! I have a few more days on my antibiotics and if something doesn't change quickly...I will be back at the dr. Which I am sure will result in a tonsilectomy. Grrrrr
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
We Started!
So, I took my very first Clo.mid last night. I didn't sleep very well last night, but I don't think that was related to the Clo.mid, I think it was due to my crazy, hectic weekend.
Saturday morning Pace and I went to pick up the pavers for our backyard, fire pit project. We have excavated 100 square feet of our hard clay soil and have spread paver sand for the foundation of our fire pit. Granted, we didn't get any of the pavers laid, but at least they are at my house.
Then Pace and I started getting ready for the Kenny Chesney concert. And by getting ready I mean drinking and freshening up. (Don't worry my MIL drove us to the concert and picked us up) We had SO MUCH FUN! Oh my goodness, if you have any opportunity to go to this concert, YOU MUST! Keith Urban was my favorite, but Kenny was awesome as well, it was just such an awesome concert. It lasted 8 hours! It started at 3 and got over at like 11:30 pm! Fun was had by all and I will post pics when I get them downloaded.
Then on Sunday my MIL, little sister, Pace and I hung out by the pool almost all day. I think we were in the pool by 10:00 am and I didn't get out until 3:00 pm. Needless to say, I am a little burnt and EXHAUSTED! I had so much fun, but am just exhausted!
So, I feel really tired, but I think that is just from trying to recover from the weekend, not the Clo.mid. I am REALLY hoping that I continue to NOT have any symptoms from the Clo.mid as I am already a pretty emotional person...I DON'T need anything to magnetize that! LOL
Saturday morning Pace and I went to pick up the pavers for our backyard, fire pit project. We have excavated 100 square feet of our hard clay soil and have spread paver sand for the foundation of our fire pit. Granted, we didn't get any of the pavers laid, but at least they are at my house.
Then Pace and I started getting ready for the Kenny Chesney concert. And by getting ready I mean drinking and freshening up. (Don't worry my MIL drove us to the concert and picked us up) We had SO MUCH FUN! Oh my goodness, if you have any opportunity to go to this concert, YOU MUST! Keith Urban was my favorite, but Kenny was awesome as well, it was just such an awesome concert. It lasted 8 hours! It started at 3 and got over at like 11:30 pm! Fun was had by all and I will post pics when I get them downloaded.
Then on Sunday my MIL, little sister, Pace and I hung out by the pool almost all day. I think we were in the pool by 10:00 am and I didn't get out until 3:00 pm. Needless to say, I am a little burnt and EXHAUSTED! I had so much fun, but am just exhausted!
So, I feel really tired, but I think that is just from trying to recover from the weekend, not the Clo.mid. I am REALLY hoping that I continue to NOT have any symptoms from the Clo.mid as I am already a pretty emotional person...I DON'T need anything to magnetize that! LOL
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I'm Back
Ok...so I took a little blogging vacation. I had a very busy month, nothing really too new. I have strep throat again, not quite as bad as the last time, but still...I have it AGAIN. I see a tonsilectomy in my future.
Also...I started my period today. On my own. No Provera. For the first time in three and a half years...I actually cycled on my own. I don't know if I ovulated or not as I was not taking OV tests, but...I had a period nontheless.
WooHoo!
So...today is Day1 and as of right now, this very minute, we are going to do Clomid this month. But...considering recent history...I will not hold my breath.
Also...I started my period today. On my own. No Provera. For the first time in three and a half years...I actually cycled on my own. I don't know if I ovulated or not as I was not taking OV tests, but...I had a period nontheless.
WooHoo!
So...today is Day1 and as of right now, this very minute, we are going to do Clomid this month. But...considering recent history...I will not hold my breath.
Friday, May 02, 2008
I got thrown from the saddle, and broke my heart
OK, so there is A LOT for me to update you on just over the last week. So sit back, relax and enjoy my shitty week. This is by far the longest post I have ever written, but I needed to get all of this out.
Sunday: Pace and I had invited some friends, his mom and little sister (E) who is almost 3 to our house to swim and have a BBQ. Everything was going great, the weather was great, the pool temperature was great, it was a wonderfully relaxing Sunday afternoon. Now, we have a pool slide on our pool. It is absolutely hideous and we had plans to remove it, however this would require repairs to the pool decking etc. So we decided to keep it in until we had the money to do the necessary repairs. Here is a pic of our pool slide:
So we were all having a grand time sliding down the slide, we decided that it was so much fun that we were going to keep the slide. It is a BLAST!
Even E was going down the slide! She had two little arm floaties on and a ring floaty around her waste, so as soon as she hit the water she just bobbed up and down, her hair didn't even get wet. It was so much fun watching her excited face as she came down the slide. Then...tragedy struck. E fell off of the stairs to the pool slide. I had just gone down the slide and was at the opposite end of the pool getting ready to get out when I looked over just in time to see her fall. The worst part: She didn't scream. In fact she didn't move at all. She was unconscious. My MIL was right by her side as I ran into the house to have Pace call 911. Of course keep in mind that I had just jumped out of the pool, so I was soaking wet. Needless to say, as soon as I ran off the cool deck onto the concrete patio, my feet went out from under me and I smashed my head into the concrete. I was able to get up and scream to Pace to call 911. I got back over to where E was lying and she started whimpering a little and then eventually started crying. She sat up and grabbed onto her mom, but wouldn't open her eyes.
The EMT's got there, said that all of her vitals were good, but that they were very concerned with her head injuries and the fact that she still wasn't opening her eyes. They air lifted her to a hospital in Phx, so off to the hospital we go. They did a CAT scan and said that she did have some swelling on the brain, but no more than what they expected to see, however she did have a laceration on her liver from the fall. (I had never heard of this, but I googled it and sure enough, this is a very common injury in children that experience blunt force trauma). So they admitted her to ICU to stay overnight so that they could monitor her liver function. My MIL stayed with her at the hospital and Pace and I went home.
Monday: I went to work as usual. Of course I woke up with an awful headache and my body was extremely sore. My mind raced all day thinking of E. I watched her fall over and over and over in my head all day. But I hadn't cried. Which is very odd for me cause I cry at EVERYTHING! I cry at commercials for pete's sake! So I started to get down on myself a little wondering why I hadn't cried or really showed any emotion at all. (I convinced myself that it was because I had bashed my head and wasn't thinking straight) After work, I got to my car to go home and I just completely fell apart. I was a blubbering mess by the time I got home. I just couldn't keep myself together.
I got home and I gathered my composure so Pace and I could go to the hospital to see E. We got there around 5:00 pm almost exactly 24 hours since the accident. She looked so pitiful. She was hooked up to 5 different machines and had 10 cords coming out from all around her. She was still a little loopy from the morphine drip, but she immediately reached out to Pace and I. She didn't say much, she was really tired, she was just really fussy and kept crying for her mom. They had her on an all liquid diet so they could monitor her liver function and one of the first things she said to us was "I want Donalds" (McDonalds of course) That made us all smile and we knew that under the sleepy little girl was our little rambunctious E. I prayed over her and she napped a little bit and then Pace and I drove home in silence.
I got a text from my MIL about 2 hours after we got home stating that they had moved E out of ICU and they removed all of her tubes and wires. She was able to move into her own room and walk down the hall to see the fishies.
Tuesday: I woke up to the arrival of AF. I was still taking my Provera and was not expecting her for a couple of days, but here she was, coming whenever she darn well pleases as usual. I was ok with that because I had a dr. appt on Wednesday, so the earlier AF got here, the sooner we could start my first Clomid cycle. I started to get excited. The time had finally come and we were actually going to do this!
I headed to work and got a text from my MIL stating that they were finally feeding E food. She was eating a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast! Then about noon I got another text stating that they were on their way home. I was so grateful and relieved that she was finally able to leave the hospital. I left work a little early and Pace and I headed over to MIL's apartment to see E. It was GREAT to see her moving around like she was. She was still a little sleepy, but you could tell she was feeling MUCH better. They released her from the hospital on "restricted activity" as they wanted to make sure she didn't jump around, fall and hurt her liver again. This meant that E was not able to go to daycare as they couldn't take on the responsibility for her until she was on full medical release.
E remembers very little about the accident, but she was sure to tell us that she DID NOT want to go back to the hospital! LOL
My MIL is a single mother and there was no way she could afford to stay home with E for the rest of the week, so I offered to use a couple of my vacation days to stay home with E Thursday and Friday.
Wednesday: I got to work feeling better than I had all week, I could finally tell that E was going to be just fine and I relaxed a bit. I headed off to have my ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts before we started our first Clomid cycle. I enter the OB/GYN's office and...of course...the waiting room is full of pg women. Not just pg women...VERY pg women! A dear friend of mine recently sent me the book "Conquering Infertility" so I kept my head low and just read, trying to ignore the pregnancy talk going on around me.
Going to the dr. is always an experience, but I think when you are dealing with IF, dr. appts are even MORE interesting. First of all, when you go in for an external ultrasound, you have to go with a full bladder. So I arrived with a full bladder and then there I sat in the waiting room with a full bladder. And I sat, and I sat and I sat. Just when I thought I was going to have to strangle someone just out of pure discomfort, my name was called.
I laid there patiently as the tech pushed on my bladder, took pictures, pushed a little more and then finally told me she was done and I could go to the bathroom. All was great with my ultrasound, no large cysts, so they sent me back to the waiting room to wait to see the dr. About 5 minutes later a young nurse called me back, and walked me into the room to meet the dr. As she was taking my blood pressure, she complimented me on my shirt and asked me where I got it. "Target" I replied. To which she responded with a story about how before she had her son, she couldn't buy clothes at Target cause she was a size 1, and they didn't carry sizes that small. "Oh how difficult that must have been for you." was my response. She didn't catch onto my witty sarcasm, must be an age gap thing. Then she asked the question that made me want to poke her in the eyes even more. "So, do you have any kids?"
Here is where I should have said "Do you know how to read? Did you even LOOK at my chart before you called me back? What an insensitive question from the place that is treating my Infertility." But, I didn't. I just replied "No" and quickly realized it was going to take me a while to get used to this again. To get used to the questions, the dr, the whole scenario.
She replied back to me stating that "Kids are a handful" "A handful of what?" I asked. Blank stare was returned and she excited the room. I smiled to myself and thought. "You dumb little twit. You have no idea why I am here, you didn't take the time to look at my chart and I really don't give a rats ass about your expanding waistline OR your ill behaved child.
The dr. came in, gave me the all clear to start Clomid and went over the protocol with me again. The excitement inside me raised. We were back on track. We were back in the game. I was no longer sitting on the bench, I was back in the saddle. I left with a hope and excitement that I hadn't felt in a long time. I left with a smile.
I went back to work and later that afternoon, Pace calls me to tell me that his company had approached him with the possibility of working in Hawaii. This would be a great opportunity for him and would also be a great excuse to visit Hawaii. However, they wanted him to go in a week and a half (aka right after I am done taking Clomid, aka most fertile period, aka during the time when I should be ovulating!) I could hear the desire in Pace's voice. His department has been really slow, and this was not only an opportunity to make some money, but also to gain experience in his industry. I explained to him that if he went to Hawaii, we would have to cancel our cycle, we couldn't move forward and my dr. appt. this morning was a waste of time. He said he understood that, but this work opportunity doesn't come along every day. So I told him that he should go. It broke my heart to say this, I was dying inside, but I was stuck between being an infertile woman facing another Mother's Day who desperately wants a child of her own and being a supportive wife and supporting my husband's career.
I told him that this was going to be very difficult on me and I needed some time and space to once again grieve a cancelled cycle. The wind was stripped out my sails and I felt utterly defeated.
Thursday: I woke up feeling depressed. Not just sad and tired. Depressed. I went to meet my MIL and picked up E. We had a great day together, we played barbies, we colored, we played dress up we had so much fun just being girls. Then Pace came home and my hurt and anger returned ten fold. I was so mad! I knew that he was coming home with details on his Hawaii trip and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear them. After E and MIL left, he laid it on me.
He said that Hawaii wasn't ready yet, that it would be at least an extra week or two, if it even panned out that he would go. I was relieved, I was so excited! This meant that we could move forward and continue on. Then he kept talking. Instead of going to Hawaii, his work was sending him to California for the week. He was leaving Monday (like as in 4 days) and would be back on Friday. I just didn't have it in me to discuss this anymore. The emotional roller coaster was just too much so I went to bed.
Friday: When I got up this morning, I woke up with a little more clarity and so when I talked to Pace, I told him that if he was just going to be gone this week, then we could move forward with our Clomid cycle, he would be back in town right before I stopped taking the Clomid. We could make this work. His response " I think we should just hold off this month, cause I don't know if I will be in Cali just this week, or if it will be a multiple week thing." Devastation. Again.
So here I am, I was thrown from the saddle, had the most stressful week of my life and I feel so let down and dismissed. Infertility SUCKS and I HATE that this is happening to us. Everyday the bitterness grows and if I have to watch one more commercial where the adorable little girl is making breakfast in bed for her mommy and her daddy brings mommy this beautiful diamond necklace, I think I might rip the TV off of the wall and throw it in our pool.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Back in the saddle
So, it is time. I am getting back in the saddle for the long, sweaty, unpredictable ride of another medicated cycle.
I went to my new dr. yesterday. She was really great! I told her all about our history and our desire to conceive and the first thing she asked me was if I had ever taken Clo mid. To which I responded "no" and expressed my dissatisfaction with our RE that we were seeing last year.
So after much discussion, she and I decided that we were going to try Clo mid. I go back to her on April 30th for an ultrasound to be sure that I have no cysts, and then...away we go. Even though Pace and I have been TTC since we got married, for some reason when we are seeking medical help (seeing and RE, taking drugs, Clo mid, etc.) just seems to add so much more stress to the whole situation. Last month seemed to go so easily. It was a little rough for me at the very end, but all in all, it wasn't a bad cycle. Now every time I think about having an u/s, taking Clo mid, doing ovulation prediction kits, my stomach curls up into a little tiny ball, my big toe goes numb and my heart skips a beat.
The worst part about all of this is that I will have just finished my first round of Clo mid when Mother's Day will be descending upon me. The dreaded holiday that I don't know if I will every be able to love again. In fact, infertility has really taken the "sparkle" off of all holidays. So, I will probably be a psychotic maniac mess for mothers day - consider yourself warned!
Please pray that Clo mid works, they will only let us do 6 months of this treatment, and I don't know what the next step will be after this.
I want to thank all of my lovely friends on the TTC board that continue to encourage and support even when I go MIA for a while. You ladies are the best and one of the main reasons I have made it through the last 3 years! Muah!
I went to my new dr. yesterday. She was really great! I told her all about our history and our desire to conceive and the first thing she asked me was if I had ever taken Clo mid. To which I responded "no" and expressed my dissatisfaction with our RE that we were seeing last year.
So after much discussion, she and I decided that we were going to try Clo mid. I go back to her on April 30th for an ultrasound to be sure that I have no cysts, and then...away we go. Even though Pace and I have been TTC since we got married, for some reason when we are seeking medical help (seeing and RE, taking drugs, Clo mid, etc.) just seems to add so much more stress to the whole situation. Last month seemed to go so easily. It was a little rough for me at the very end, but all in all, it wasn't a bad cycle. Now every time I think about having an u/s, taking Clo mid, doing ovulation prediction kits, my stomach curls up into a little tiny ball, my big toe goes numb and my heart skips a beat.
The worst part about all of this is that I will have just finished my first round of Clo mid when Mother's Day will be descending upon me. The dreaded holiday that I don't know if I will every be able to love again. In fact, infertility has really taken the "sparkle" off of all holidays. So, I will probably be a psychotic maniac mess for mothers day - consider yourself warned!
Please pray that Clo mid works, they will only let us do 6 months of this treatment, and I don't know what the next step will be after this.
I want to thank all of my lovely friends on the TTC board that continue to encourage and support even when I go MIA for a while. You ladies are the best and one of the main reasons I have made it through the last 3 years! Muah!
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Leave the pieces
I heard this song this morning right after I woke up with cramps, realized that AF was here early this month and that once again, this month is a bust. So this song is my tribute to Infertility. It really hit home to me and rings true:
I guess my dr. appt. will have to be rescheduled now...just one more delay.
THE WRECKERS LYRICS
"Leave The Pieces"
You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round
You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown
[Chorus]
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on
Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
Leave the pieces when you go
Oh, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
Friday, April 04, 2008
Just when I started bragging...
I was doing SO good this month! I REALLY hadn't thought about being (or not being) pg that much. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry and bitter, I didn't do ANY ovulation prediction tests, and I haven't taken 1 pg test...I was really making progress.
And then...
I broke...
It kind of started with my FIL's comment last night, but then just a few minutes ago, I crumbled. I just found out that Pace's ex is pg with her 2nd. It's kind of a strange situation, but Pace and his brother were dating sisters, his brother has 2 daughters (our nieces) with one of them and the one that Pace dated is now married and a mom. I instantly felt SO angry and bitter. I like his ex. She is a very sweet girl and trust me it is nothing personal between me and her. However this huge flood of emotion came over me and I couldn't help but think "If Pace had stayed with her, he would be a daddy right now. He would have someone to carry on his name and he would be able to be the father he has always wanted to be."
Mass hysteria and utter chaos is going on in my mind right now and I just had to write this down because I am at work right now and if I didn't get it out somehow, I would end up a sobbing mess here at my desk and my boss would look at me like I am a freak (again).
And then...
I broke...
It kind of started with my FIL's comment last night, but then just a few minutes ago, I crumbled. I just found out that Pace's ex is pg with her 2nd. It's kind of a strange situation, but Pace and his brother were dating sisters, his brother has 2 daughters (our nieces) with one of them and the one that Pace dated is now married and a mom. I instantly felt SO angry and bitter. I like his ex. She is a very sweet girl and trust me it is nothing personal between me and her. However this huge flood of emotion came over me and I couldn't help but think "If Pace had stayed with her, he would be a daddy right now. He would have someone to carry on his name and he would be able to be the father he has always wanted to be."
Mass hysteria and utter chaos is going on in my mind right now and I just had to write this down because I am at work right now and if I didn't get it out somehow, I would end up a sobbing mess here at my desk and my boss would look at me like I am a freak (again).
I GOT A QUAD!!!!
Yep ladies and gentlemen...I am oficially a member of the ATV riders association. I figured since Pace had a quad, I needed one too so we could go out riding together. Mine is a used one and it needs a little bit of work (minor cosmetic stuff) but it is going to be so much fun! I can't wait to take it out riding!
My father in law and his new wife (they just got married yesterday) are going to come visit us this weekend. I am excited to meet his wife and also to see him, it has been almost 2 years since we have seen him. It will be nice to hear what he has to say about our house and the life that Pace and I are building together.
FIL asked the dreaded question last night. Pace had told him that I had a surprise to show him when he got to our house (meaning the quad) however my FIL asked if it was a grandbaby. It broke my heart to have to hear my husband tell his dad "no." It was the first time this cycle that I got really sad about being infertile. I am actually having a good month for once! But it just made me so damn mad! Why can't I give my husband a child and our parents a grandchild? It just isn't fair!
Here is the big news: Back in Dec. I called to make an appt. for my "well woman" check. The EARLIEST my OB/GYN could get me in was MAY 9th! I was shocked, but it actually worked out great because that would be the 6 month point of doing the M.etf.ormin and Pro.vera combo. I figured that if we weren't pg by May 9th, then I could talk to the dr. about Clomid. So, my dr. called yesterday to tell me that they needed to RESCHEDULE my appt. because the dr. was going to be at a conference on May 9th. I flipped! They wanted to push my appt. back to May 30th, but in order to get in that early, I would have to go with a different dr.
I was so frustrated I told her not to even bother, I would call someone else and I was just going to have to change dr. I told her that if their schedule was that full, maybe they should stop taking new patients. I have been going to them for 5 years, and this is how I get treated!!! Probably cause I can't get pg, so to them I am only a spread 'em once a year paycheck instead of an intense 9 mo. pg with multiple appts. and delivery paycheck. I feel like they have just left me in the dust. They were the ones I went to first, right off at the beginning of my IF. Over 3 years ago, they were the first ones that I opened up to about my desire to have a child and my inability to do so. They were so kind and compassionate back then, but now they couldn't care less about me.
However, I called a different OB/GYN, the lady on the phone was VERY nice, I told her my issue with my current dr. and she said that they rarely book out more than 2 weeks in advance. She said she could get me in on MONDAY!!!! Yes, Monday, like in just a few days. When I told her that I was battling IF, she said "Oh, well I will set you up with Dr. K, she is excellent and has lots of information and experience with IF." I instantly felt better! Hopefully this will be a change for the best and my new dr. will GET ME PREGNANT!!!!!!
My father in law and his new wife (they just got married yesterday) are going to come visit us this weekend. I am excited to meet his wife and also to see him, it has been almost 2 years since we have seen him. It will be nice to hear what he has to say about our house and the life that Pace and I are building together.
FIL asked the dreaded question last night. Pace had told him that I had a surprise to show him when he got to our house (meaning the quad) however my FIL asked if it was a grandbaby. It broke my heart to have to hear my husband tell his dad "no." It was the first time this cycle that I got really sad about being infertile. I am actually having a good month for once! But it just made me so damn mad! Why can't I give my husband a child and our parents a grandchild? It just isn't fair!
Here is the big news: Back in Dec. I called to make an appt. for my "well woman" check. The EARLIEST my OB/GYN could get me in was MAY 9th! I was shocked, but it actually worked out great because that would be the 6 month point of doing the M.etf.ormin and Pro.vera combo. I figured that if we weren't pg by May 9th, then I could talk to the dr. about Clomid. So, my dr. called yesterday to tell me that they needed to RESCHEDULE my appt. because the dr. was going to be at a conference on May 9th. I flipped! They wanted to push my appt. back to May 30th, but in order to get in that early, I would have to go with a different dr.
I was so frustrated I told her not to even bother, I would call someone else and I was just going to have to change dr. I told her that if their schedule was that full, maybe they should stop taking new patients. I have been going to them for 5 years, and this is how I get treated!!! Probably cause I can't get pg, so to them I am only a spread 'em once a year paycheck instead of an intense 9 mo. pg with multiple appts. and delivery paycheck. I feel like they have just left me in the dust. They were the ones I went to first, right off at the beginning of my IF. Over 3 years ago, they were the first ones that I opened up to about my desire to have a child and my inability to do so. They were so kind and compassionate back then, but now they couldn't care less about me.
However, I called a different OB/GYN, the lady on the phone was VERY nice, I told her my issue with my current dr. and she said that they rarely book out more than 2 weeks in advance. She said she could get me in on MONDAY!!!! Yes, Monday, like in just a few days. When I told her that I was battling IF, she said "Oh, well I will set you up with Dr. K, she is excellent and has lots of information and experience with IF." I instantly felt better! Hopefully this will be a change for the best and my new dr. will GET ME PREGNANT!!!!!!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Humbled
I am very humbled by the responses I got from my last blog. It continues to amaze me how I have found friendships in people I have never met. I thank each and every one of you for you continued support! It is so comforting to know that there are people out there who have/are experiencing the pain of infertility...and are surviving. I know some of you have beat IF and have become biological parents, and some of you have not, but no matter where we are in our IF journey, we will forever be sisters in the sisterhood of IF.
I pray for each and every one of you!
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you for being such great friends and supporters for me!
I pray for each and every one of you!
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you for being such great friends and supporters for me!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Hello again,
I am not sure if anyone still reads this thing, but it is therapy for me, so I will continue to write when I need/want.
Pace and I have been very busy. We are now business partners in a recreation vehicle rental business. We rent quads, rhino's, rv's, dirt bikes and eventually we will do jet skis and boats as well. It is just something fun to do on the side right now. A way to meet people that enjoy riding like we do and a way to pay for the quad we just bought. The last couple of weeks have been so great because the new business has kept me so busy, I haven't had time to think about being pg. (or NOT being pg).
Spring is definately here, it is warming up outside which means our pool is warming up too. I tried on a bathing suit last weekend that I wore 2 years ago (barely) and haven't been able to squeeze into since. IT FIT!!! I was so excited! I now don't feel like I have to wear a moomoo to the pool I am still overweight, but I have lost 35 pounds and have held it off for 3 months. Ideally, I would like to loose an additional 25 pounds, but I am just going to take it easy and enjoy the 35 I have lost thus far.
I am anxiously awaiting my dr. appt. in May. I will hopefully get some information on Clomid and the cost associated with doing a Clomid cycle. I have a very dear friend who was going to start taking Clomid this month, however she was unable to cause AF is MIA. (no unfortunately she is not pg) So, she can't be the Clomid guinea pig. I hope she can be the guinea pig, before I have to be the guinea pig cause honestly, Clomid scares the poop out of me. I have heard some horror stories.
Anywho...that is the update on us for anyone who still reads this.
I am not sure if anyone still reads this thing, but it is therapy for me, so I will continue to write when I need/want.
Pace and I have been very busy. We are now business partners in a recreation vehicle rental business. We rent quads, rhino's, rv's, dirt bikes and eventually we will do jet skis and boats as well. It is just something fun to do on the side right now. A way to meet people that enjoy riding like we do and a way to pay for the quad we just bought. The last couple of weeks have been so great because the new business has kept me so busy, I haven't had time to think about being pg. (or NOT being pg).
Spring is definately here, it is warming up outside which means our pool is warming up too. I tried on a bathing suit last weekend that I wore 2 years ago (barely) and haven't been able to squeeze into since. IT FIT!!! I was so excited! I now don't feel like I have to wear a moomoo to the pool I am still overweight, but I have lost 35 pounds and have held it off for 3 months. Ideally, I would like to loose an additional 25 pounds, but I am just going to take it easy and enjoy the 35 I have lost thus far.
I am anxiously awaiting my dr. appt. in May. I will hopefully get some information on Clomid and the cost associated with doing a Clomid cycle. I have a very dear friend who was going to start taking Clomid this month, however she was unable to cause AF is MIA. (no unfortunately she is not pg) So, she can't be the Clomid guinea pig. I hope she can be the guinea pig, before I have to be the guinea pig cause honestly, Clomid scares the poop out of me. I have heard some horror stories.
Anywho...that is the update on us for anyone who still reads this.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Not sure what to think
So I know I haven't blogged in a while. For multiple reasons.
Number one, I have been VERY busy. My parents were in town for a week which was wonderful! We were finally able to show off our house to them. I finally broke down and let Pace buy a quad. It is so much fun! Then Pace rolled the quad. No real damage to either of them, just a few scrapes and bruises.
Number Two: I have just been sad. I don't like to blog when I am sad because then I look back at what I wrote and think "God I sound like a pathetic whiny brat" so I refrain.
Last month (the 26th to be exact) marked 3 years of marriage and Trying To Conceive. A very bittersweet day for Pace and I. So, I have just been sad. I started taking Provera to bring on AF on our anniversary (ironic isn't it?).
This is nothing new for me, for the last 6 months I have taken Provera to bring on AF. Every month, I take it for 10 days and on day 11 AF is here in all of her glory. So imagine my surprise when I woke up on day 12 and AF still hadn't come. Of course my body goes into full "Hey lets trick her into thinking she is pregnant" mode. And mass chaos ensued. I became a manic, symptom seeking, moody, boob poking, frequently urinating idiot.
I still have no resolution. I have taken pg tests, all negative, but still no AF. I have no idea what my body is doing, but I figure either 1. I AM pregnant and it is just too early to tell via pg test. (After all my cycles are SO screwed up I have absolutely NO idea if/when I ovulate) or 2. Something else is wrong with my body and I am moving farther and farther away from actually conceiving.
*sigh*
Why can't my body just cooperate. Why do we have to play these silly little games? Am I pg or not? So silly! I have no idea what to think, but I have decided that maybe I should just give thinking up all together. That way, I won't over obsess, won't over analyze and make myself absolutely crazy.
And besides...men love women that don't think! It could be my own little anniversary present to Pace!
**Update** AF is here. This month is a bust and once again I have wasted 5 days of my life worrying and obsessing about this shit.
Number one, I have been VERY busy. My parents were in town for a week which was wonderful! We were finally able to show off our house to them. I finally broke down and let Pace buy a quad. It is so much fun! Then Pace rolled the quad. No real damage to either of them, just a few scrapes and bruises.
Number Two: I have just been sad. I don't like to blog when I am sad because then I look back at what I wrote and think "God I sound like a pathetic whiny brat" so I refrain.
Last month (the 26th to be exact) marked 3 years of marriage and Trying To Conceive. A very bittersweet day for Pace and I. So, I have just been sad. I started taking Provera to bring on AF on our anniversary (ironic isn't it?).
This is nothing new for me, for the last 6 months I have taken Provera to bring on AF. Every month, I take it for 10 days and on day 11 AF is here in all of her glory. So imagine my surprise when I woke up on day 12 and AF still hadn't come. Of course my body goes into full "Hey lets trick her into thinking she is pregnant" mode. And mass chaos ensued. I became a manic, symptom seeking, moody, boob poking, frequently urinating idiot.
I still have no resolution. I have taken pg tests, all negative, but still no AF. I have no idea what my body is doing, but I figure either 1. I AM pregnant and it is just too early to tell via pg test. (After all my cycles are SO screwed up I have absolutely NO idea if/when I ovulate) or 2. Something else is wrong with my body and I am moving farther and farther away from actually conceiving.
*sigh*
Why can't my body just cooperate. Why do we have to play these silly little games? Am I pg or not? So silly! I have no idea what to think, but I have decided that maybe I should just give thinking up all together. That way, I won't over obsess, won't over analyze and make myself absolutely crazy.
And besides...men love women that don't think! It could be my own little anniversary present to Pace!
**Update** AF is here. This month is a bust and once again I have wasted 5 days of my life worrying and obsessing about this shit.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Insanity...
My mother always told me that the definition of insanity is:
the act of doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.
This makes me think about my infertility. Every month we try for a baby. Every month I pee on a stick, I pop pills, I prop my hips, I hold my breath, I take my temp, I eat right, I exercise, I do all of these things in hopes for two lines. The same thing over and over again. But each month...I get the same thing. One line. No matter how many months I try...one line. I think I have oficially crossed over the threshold into insanity.
I actually had my hopes up last night. I was at my sisters and when I went to the bathroom...there was...pink. The very very lightest pink you ever saw ... and for a moment...I had hope...I thought to myself...implantation spotting! Implantation spotting! This could be it! Since I am still taking my Provera...I should NOT be having my period...so it just HAS to be implantation spotting.
I prayed my hardest, most enduring prayer and went to bed last night a little smug. I just KNEW that I was going to wake up in the morning, the spotting would be gone and I would start barfing my brains out and I would just start laughing and enjoy morning sickness.
However...
When I got up this morning, I saw red. Literally and Figuratively. There she was in all of her glory...Aunt Flow. I was ok at first, but then it hit me. I REALLY allowed myself to believe that there was a chance last night. I thought for a moment that maybe this was my shot. My time. I thought for an evening how nice it would be to not have to go through another season of Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day with nothing to show of our efforts to have a child for 3 years.
I thought for an evening that I had cheated the system, that I had gotten pg just under the wire of the dreaded 3 year mark. ... I thought.
Now I am just sad. I am angry at myself for even letting myself get my hopes up. After 35 months of trying to get pregnant and failing miserably... how could I let myself get all worked up over a little pink.
I am DEFINATELY losing my grasp at sanity.
the act of doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.
This makes me think about my infertility. Every month we try for a baby. Every month I pee on a stick, I pop pills, I prop my hips, I hold my breath, I take my temp, I eat right, I exercise, I do all of these things in hopes for two lines. The same thing over and over again. But each month...I get the same thing. One line. No matter how many months I try...one line. I think I have oficially crossed over the threshold into insanity.
I actually had my hopes up last night. I was at my sisters and when I went to the bathroom...there was...pink. The very very lightest pink you ever saw ... and for a moment...I had hope...I thought to myself...implantation spotting! Implantation spotting! This could be it! Since I am still taking my Provera...I should NOT be having my period...so it just HAS to be implantation spotting.
I prayed my hardest, most enduring prayer and went to bed last night a little smug. I just KNEW that I was going to wake up in the morning, the spotting would be gone and I would start barfing my brains out and I would just start laughing and enjoy morning sickness.
However...
When I got up this morning, I saw red. Literally and Figuratively. There she was in all of her glory...Aunt Flow. I was ok at first, but then it hit me. I REALLY allowed myself to believe that there was a chance last night. I thought for a moment that maybe this was my shot. My time. I thought for an evening how nice it would be to not have to go through another season of Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day with nothing to show of our efforts to have a child for 3 years.
I thought for an evening that I had cheated the system, that I had gotten pg just under the wire of the dreaded 3 year mark. ... I thought.
Now I am just sad. I am angry at myself for even letting myself get my hopes up. After 35 months of trying to get pregnant and failing miserably... how could I let myself get all worked up over a little pink.
I am DEFINATELY losing my grasp at sanity.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Road Blocks
I humbly start this by saying that I am not trying to throw a pity party for myself (I have learned to not like throwing parties...the clean up afterwards is just too time consuming) However, this blog is simply a reflection on life in general.
Road Blocks...we have all hit them at one time or another, most of us, multiple times in our lives. I find myself asking...maybe I need to find a different road, cause the road I have been on for the last 26.5 years has been riddled with road blocks. I constantly find myself looking for detours and I always have one foot on the brake just waiting for the next road block to be around the corner.
I had a good childhood. I have two loving parents and the most amazing group of brothers and sisters. Really on the dysfunction scale I think we rate pretty close to the "normal" family. We have had our battles with addiction, poverty, wealth, trust, health etc., but I think most of the stuff we have been through, has been pretty typical for a large family. I had a traumatic event happen to me at a young age. An event that caused me to grow up way too fast, caused me much pain, grief, and overall quality of life for many years. However...I overcame that. I am now a better, stronger person because of it. I persevered and I conquered my "childhood trama".
All the time I was going through that trauma in my life, I kept telling myself...this is it Nichole...this is your horrible thing that will happen to you. You will grow from it and in the end benefit from it in some way. You will get over it, have a story to tell and the rest of your life will not be as traumatic. That childhood trauma was my red card. My penalty. My big hurdle in life.
I was wrong.
In 26 days, Pace and I will have been trying to conceive our first child for 3 years. In that time, many of my friends have had "oops" pregnancies, have had their babies and many of them are pregnant with their second baby. Britney Spears has had 2 children in this time. My mother in law has had a child in this time. My sister who was not even trying has had a child and is now trying again in this time. Too many celebrities to count have had kids during this time (many of them unplanned) and I have had...none. I have not gotten pregnant once.
Some days I have so much faith that it will happen and I just tell myself to be patient and I pray for my baby.
Some days I have so little faith and I just pray that God would take away my desire to have children all together.
I know now that my childhood trauma was not my red card at all. Infertility is. By far this has cost me more spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially than my childhood trauma ever did and it almost makes my childhood trauma seem obsolete. Maybe that is the point. All pain heals with time, but the pain if infertility only gets stronger as time goes on.
My first wedding anniversary I was just starting to see doctors and the fear had just set in that we may not have a baby of our own. My second wedding anniversary I was in the midst of my first IUI cycle and I had so much hope for that treatment to work. As I near my third wedding anniversary, I just feel helpless. I feel that nothing I will or can do will ever make me have a baby. My hope is diminishing as my pain is increasing.
My period never came on it's own...I am still on the Provera. My weight loss is not coming as easy as it was and sticking to my diet is even harder. My bitterness is slowly creeping back in and my willingness to fight it is shrinking.
I feel like I need to get a break soon or I will hit my breaking point. It makes me wonder what my breaking point will be. Will I ever be able to get to the point where I don't care? Will I ever get to the point that I will be "ok" with never carrying my own child, or with never being able to look at my child and see Pace and I's resemblance? Will I ever be able to accept that as my fate and my destiny? And if so...how long will it take?
I read the bible verse "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." This verse makes me feel like a total Christian hypocrite. I don't feel this way right now. I do feel that the Lord is my shepherd, however there is something that I want...desperately and I don't feel like I am beside quite waters, I feel like I am standing on the edge of Niagra's Fall.
I know that I picked the road less traveled many years ago...now I know why that road is less traveled....to many Road Blocks.
Road Blocks...we have all hit them at one time or another, most of us, multiple times in our lives. I find myself asking...maybe I need to find a different road, cause the road I have been on for the last 26.5 years has been riddled with road blocks. I constantly find myself looking for detours and I always have one foot on the brake just waiting for the next road block to be around the corner.
I had a good childhood. I have two loving parents and the most amazing group of brothers and sisters. Really on the dysfunction scale I think we rate pretty close to the "normal" family. We have had our battles with addiction, poverty, wealth, trust, health etc., but I think most of the stuff we have been through, has been pretty typical for a large family. I had a traumatic event happen to me at a young age. An event that caused me to grow up way too fast, caused me much pain, grief, and overall quality of life for many years. However...I overcame that. I am now a better, stronger person because of it. I persevered and I conquered my "childhood trama".
All the time I was going through that trauma in my life, I kept telling myself...this is it Nichole...this is your horrible thing that will happen to you. You will grow from it and in the end benefit from it in some way. You will get over it, have a story to tell and the rest of your life will not be as traumatic. That childhood trauma was my red card. My penalty. My big hurdle in life.
I was wrong.
In 26 days, Pace and I will have been trying to conceive our first child for 3 years. In that time, many of my friends have had "oops" pregnancies, have had their babies and many of them are pregnant with their second baby. Britney Spears has had 2 children in this time. My mother in law has had a child in this time. My sister who was not even trying has had a child and is now trying again in this time. Too many celebrities to count have had kids during this time (many of them unplanned) and I have had...none. I have not gotten pregnant once.
Some days I have so much faith that it will happen and I just tell myself to be patient and I pray for my baby.
Some days I have so little faith and I just pray that God would take away my desire to have children all together.
I know now that my childhood trauma was not my red card at all. Infertility is. By far this has cost me more spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially than my childhood trauma ever did and it almost makes my childhood trauma seem obsolete. Maybe that is the point. All pain heals with time, but the pain if infertility only gets stronger as time goes on.
My first wedding anniversary I was just starting to see doctors and the fear had just set in that we may not have a baby of our own. My second wedding anniversary I was in the midst of my first IUI cycle and I had so much hope for that treatment to work. As I near my third wedding anniversary, I just feel helpless. I feel that nothing I will or can do will ever make me have a baby. My hope is diminishing as my pain is increasing.
My period never came on it's own...I am still on the Provera. My weight loss is not coming as easy as it was and sticking to my diet is even harder. My bitterness is slowly creeping back in and my willingness to fight it is shrinking.
I feel like I need to get a break soon or I will hit my breaking point. It makes me wonder what my breaking point will be. Will I ever be able to get to the point where I don't care? Will I ever get to the point that I will be "ok" with never carrying my own child, or with never being able to look at my child and see Pace and I's resemblance? Will I ever be able to accept that as my fate and my destiny? And if so...how long will it take?
I read the bible verse "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." This verse makes me feel like a total Christian hypocrite. I don't feel this way right now. I do feel that the Lord is my shepherd, however there is something that I want...desperately and I don't feel like I am beside quite waters, I feel like I am standing on the edge of Niagra's Fall.
I know that I picked the road less traveled many years ago...now I know why that road is less traveled....to many Road Blocks.
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