I haven't been around much lately ... I know. Honestly, I have kind of backed away from everything except for Farm.ville which I am horribly addicted to. Farm.ville is my safe zone. There are no pregnant ladies, no pregnant animals, etc. It is my safe zone.
I ventured out last night and started looking at some of my friends' pages on Face.book. Found out two more of my friends are pregnant, I have actually lost count at this point of how many pregnant people I know right now. Either they are pregnant or just recently had their baby.
My heart is heavy with all of the pregnancy announcements. Every time I log onto Blogger to catch up with all of you beautiful people, I see at least one. Which I am so happy and glad for you. Your successes used to bring me hope, but after 5 years...that hope is gone. Not sure it will ever return.
I have had a lot of internal struggles over the last couple of weeks and with the holidays coming up, a lot of in-law drama, so I have retreated. I have tried to stay in my safe zone.
Okay, so this post is turning out a little bleak which is not what I wanted, so I am going to leave you all with some things that I am not bitter about, in fact some things that I am very thankful for:
1. A loving, accepting and generous family
2. A husband that I consider my best friend. No one knows me like he does
3. Friends that bring so much joy and love to my life
4. My job. It may not be the "ideal" job, but I know that it is very fragile right now and could be taken away from me at any moment.
5. My fur babies. They make me feel special when I feel like a loser, they make me feel loved when I feel unlovable and they make me feel cared for when I feel no one cares.
6. My blogger and online support group friends. You all know the deep dark nasty side of me. The bitter, angry and pessimistic side of me that I try so hard to hide in real life. But for some reason, you still read my blogs, you still encourage me and you are still my friends.
Thank you!
Nichole
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Thanksgiving Anticipation
Thank you all SO much for your support and love! The more I think about the baby shower, the more excited I get. I know that it is going to be tough at times, I know there will be some tears along the way, but all in all I want to do this for my friend. For one day I want to be the supportive friend instead of the broken infertile woman.
I am so excited that my friend Jess (some of you may follow her blog) is starting the adoption process! They have sent in their application for the agency and I plan on learning as much as I possibly can from her along the way. Given the "free home study" we have, we will be on that road again very soon.
I am gearing up for Thanksgiving, I am VERY excited that we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner for some of our friends. I love cooking big meals and we love entertaining. I am just on pins and needles - VERY excited!
The countdown for me has begun...we are officially OFF the "on a break" train in less than 2 months. I am going to try and really enjoy the next couple of months and hope and pray that we are both ready to dive back in come January 1.
I am so excited that my friend Jess (some of you may follow her blog) is starting the adoption process! They have sent in their application for the agency and I plan on learning as much as I possibly can from her along the way. Given the "free home study" we have, we will be on that road again very soon.
I am gearing up for Thanksgiving, I am VERY excited that we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner for some of our friends. I love cooking big meals and we love entertaining. I am just on pins and needles - VERY excited!
The countdown for me has begun...we are officially OFF the "on a break" train in less than 2 months. I am going to try and really enjoy the next couple of months and hope and pray that we are both ready to dive back in come January 1.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Family Building Symposium
Wow - what a weekend! It was awesome! I will start with Saturday...
I went to the Family Building Symposium which was amazing. There weren't too many people there which was nice because the groups were smaller as a result. I got a lot of amazing information on adoption as well as some other treatment options. It definitely ruled out some treatments for me and I felt more comfortable with adoption at the end.
The most amazing part was the door prizes - they had two boxes in the front that you could put your raffle tickets into (each person got 1) you could choose the "Treatment" box or the "Adoption" box. There were 4 prizes for the treatment box, but only 1 for the adoption. I thought long and hard about which box I should put my ticket into and for some reason I chose the adoption. The odds were much worse in the adoption box, but for some reason I felt led to place my ticket in that box. Well ladies...guess what??? I WON!!!! Want to know the prize: A free adoption home study! That is a value of up to $1,600 and is also the first step in adopting. I was SO excited! It made me sad that Pace wasn't there to enjoy the moment with me, but I was so excited.
The symposium was a bit overwhelming and honestly at the end of the day I was exhausted and completely over-stimulated. I needed a break. So I went home cracked open a beer and invited my friends J&K over and we played Rock Ba.nd until WAY past my bedtime. We had so much fun and K&I were laughing so hard at one point we were both crying. It was a blast!
I got a phone call yesterday from a friend of my pregnant friend and she asked me if I wanted to help with a baby shower for my friend. At first my gut clenched tight and I started sweating a bit. Then she asked me if we could do it at my house and...I actually relaxed a little bit. If it is in my house then I have a little more control over the situation and I could step out (or away) when needed without feeling uncomfortable or out of place. So I guess I am now planning and hosting my very first baby shower. It will be in January, so I have a lot of time to prepare and get myself used to the idea.
I actually think it will be ok. Sure, some of it will probably be hard, but I will make it through. I need to start living and just dealing with the pain. I need to power through and become an active member of society again. I need a life. I want a life and I think if I can prove to myself that I am able to host a baby shower and survive...I will feel much better about myself and the entire situation as a whole.
What do you ladies think? Am I crazy???
I went to the Family Building Symposium which was amazing. There weren't too many people there which was nice because the groups were smaller as a result. I got a lot of amazing information on adoption as well as some other treatment options. It definitely ruled out some treatments for me and I felt more comfortable with adoption at the end.
The most amazing part was the door prizes - they had two boxes in the front that you could put your raffle tickets into (each person got 1) you could choose the "Treatment" box or the "Adoption" box. There were 4 prizes for the treatment box, but only 1 for the adoption. I thought long and hard about which box I should put my ticket into and for some reason I chose the adoption. The odds were much worse in the adoption box, but for some reason I felt led to place my ticket in that box. Well ladies...guess what??? I WON!!!! Want to know the prize: A free adoption home study! That is a value of up to $1,600 and is also the first step in adopting. I was SO excited! It made me sad that Pace wasn't there to enjoy the moment with me, but I was so excited.
The symposium was a bit overwhelming and honestly at the end of the day I was exhausted and completely over-stimulated. I needed a break. So I went home cracked open a beer and invited my friends J&K over and we played Rock Ba.nd until WAY past my bedtime. We had so much fun and K&I were laughing so hard at one point we were both crying. It was a blast!
I got a phone call yesterday from a friend of my pregnant friend and she asked me if I wanted to help with a baby shower for my friend. At first my gut clenched tight and I started sweating a bit. Then she asked me if we could do it at my house and...I actually relaxed a little bit. If it is in my house then I have a little more control over the situation and I could step out (or away) when needed without feeling uncomfortable or out of place. So I guess I am now planning and hosting my very first baby shower. It will be in January, so I have a lot of time to prepare and get myself used to the idea.
I actually think it will be ok. Sure, some of it will probably be hard, but I will make it through. I need to start living and just dealing with the pain. I need to power through and become an active member of society again. I need a life. I want a life and I think if I can prove to myself that I am able to host a baby shower and survive...I will feel much better about myself and the entire situation as a whole.
What do you ladies think? Am I crazy???
Friday, November 06, 2009
The weekend is here
The weekend is here, the Family Building Symposium is tomorrow and I am exhausted. P's little sister stayed with us all week (her parents were out of town) and at first it was awesome. I absolutely LOVE her and really Love her being at our house. This week however got me a little bit.
I found myself feeling more and more sad as the week went on - I was expecting the opposite.
I found myself needing a break from her and needing time away - I was expecting the opposite.
I found myself ready to take her home - I was definitely expecting the opposite.
It dawned on me yesterday why I was feeling this way. You see, as wonderful as it is to have her around and to just love on her it was just as painful for me every time she said " I want my mommy", "I miss my mommy", "My mommy washes my hair like this", "My mommy does this, and that."
It was a CONSTANT reminder of what I am not, what I may never be and what I so desperately want to be.
We went to On The Bo.rder last night for dinner and as the three of us sat at the table, the older couple next to us started talking to E. They were gushing over how beautiful she was and how much she looked just like her "mommy and daddy" yadda yadda. (We get this all the time when we are in public with her because she really does look like us and well damn it...we SHOULD have a child about her age). The couple asked E if she was an only child (to which E nodded yes LOL) that is when P spoke up and said "actually, she is my little sister, not my daughter" the look on the couple's face was pure astonishment and the tears flooded to my eyes. I wanted to crawl under the table. They didn't say another word to us (or E).
P is off on his dunes trip, so I am a bachelorette for the weekend. I am very disappointed that he is not going to the symposium with me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I hate that we aren't on the same page right now, I hate what this stupid IF crap is doing to my life.
Why couldn't I just be one of those people that don't want kids?
I found myself feeling more and more sad as the week went on - I was expecting the opposite.
I found myself needing a break from her and needing time away - I was expecting the opposite.
I found myself ready to take her home - I was definitely expecting the opposite.
It dawned on me yesterday why I was feeling this way. You see, as wonderful as it is to have her around and to just love on her it was just as painful for me every time she said " I want my mommy", "I miss my mommy", "My mommy washes my hair like this", "My mommy does this, and that."
It was a CONSTANT reminder of what I am not, what I may never be and what I so desperately want to be.
We went to On The Bo.rder last night for dinner and as the three of us sat at the table, the older couple next to us started talking to E. They were gushing over how beautiful she was and how much she looked just like her "mommy and daddy" yadda yadda. (We get this all the time when we are in public with her because she really does look like us and well damn it...we SHOULD have a child about her age). The couple asked E if she was an only child (to which E nodded yes LOL) that is when P spoke up and said "actually, she is my little sister, not my daughter" the look on the couple's face was pure astonishment and the tears flooded to my eyes. I wanted to crawl under the table. They didn't say another word to us (or E).
P is off on his dunes trip, so I am a bachelorette for the weekend. I am very disappointed that he is not going to the symposium with me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I hate that we aren't on the same page right now, I hate what this stupid IF crap is doing to my life.
Why couldn't I just be one of those people that don't want kids?
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Year...2010
So as you all know, we are currently on a break. I guess that's why I haven't blogged much. There really isn't anything going on in the TTC department. It has been total torture for me some days. It has been a blessing on others.
January 2010 we will be back in the game and as it gets closer, I feel the need to start preparing myself. I am not sure if we will go back to treatments or move forward with adoption, but either option we choose, there is a lot of preparation that needs to be done. Here is a "short" list of my recent ponderings.
Treatment
Start saving money
Start taking pre-natal vitamins again
Get serious about losing more weight
Start saving money
Get serious about my no/low carb/sugar diet
Find a new RE
Start saving money
Adoption
Start saving money
Research adoption agencies/attorneys
Start finding pictures for profile
Start saving money
Make some decisions on what we are open to
Get documents together
Start saving money
Do you see a common denominator? I sure do. Money.
The problem (other than not having the money)...beginning to prepare means "no longer on break" do Pace. You see, he asked for us to take the rest of the year off. No research, no treatments, no research, no anything fertility or family building related. I agreed to take a break, but I have no idea how to get through the next couple of months of our "break" without starting to prepare.
There is a family building symposium coming up on November 7th that is put on by Res.olve. It is a full day of family building information. There will be information on adoption and information on treatment. There will be adoption and fertility specialists. There will be success stories, birth moms the whole nine yards. I am SO EXCITED for it! It is like the Bridal Fair of infertility!
However, I will be going alone. Pace doesn't mind me going, but he isn't prepared to dive into it again. Although I understand where he is coming from, it makes me sad that he doesn't see this as an opportunity the same way I do. This is an opportunity to get many of the "things to do before TTC in 2010" crossed off the list.
I feel like I am in a very tough situation. A battle of sorts. Trying to be supportive of our decision to take a break, but also taking advantage of these amazing opportunities as they come. I don't want to cross "the line" of TTC/Not TTC but it is a really fine line to walk.
So that is where we are, I just wanted to check in, update you and let you know that I am still reading all of your blogs even though I haven't been writing a whole lot lately.
Much love!
January 2010 we will be back in the game and as it gets closer, I feel the need to start preparing myself. I am not sure if we will go back to treatments or move forward with adoption, but either option we choose, there is a lot of preparation that needs to be done. Here is a "short" list of my recent ponderings.
Treatment
Start saving money
Start taking pre-natal vitamins again
Get serious about losing more weight
Start saving money
Get serious about my no/low carb/sugar diet
Find a new RE
Start saving money
Adoption
Start saving money
Research adoption agencies/attorneys
Start finding pictures for profile
Start saving money
Make some decisions on what we are open to
Get documents together
Start saving money
Do you see a common denominator? I sure do. Money.
The problem (other than not having the money)...beginning to prepare means "no longer on break" do Pace. You see, he asked for us to take the rest of the year off. No research, no treatments, no research, no anything fertility or family building related. I agreed to take a break, but I have no idea how to get through the next couple of months of our "break" without starting to prepare.
There is a family building symposium coming up on November 7th that is put on by Res.olve. It is a full day of family building information. There will be information on adoption and information on treatment. There will be adoption and fertility specialists. There will be success stories, birth moms the whole nine yards. I am SO EXCITED for it! It is like the Bridal Fair of infertility!
However, I will be going alone. Pace doesn't mind me going, but he isn't prepared to dive into it again. Although I understand where he is coming from, it makes me sad that he doesn't see this as an opportunity the same way I do. This is an opportunity to get many of the "things to do before TTC in 2010" crossed off the list.
I feel like I am in a very tough situation. A battle of sorts. Trying to be supportive of our decision to take a break, but also taking advantage of these amazing opportunities as they come. I don't want to cross "the line" of TTC/Not TTC but it is a really fine line to walk.
So that is where we are, I just wanted to check in, update you and let you know that I am still reading all of your blogs even though I haven't been writing a whole lot lately.
Much love!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Stuck
I haven't been around much lately. I just feel stuck. Then I got sick and the fever kind of zapped my creative juices.
My friend had her baby on Friday. A beautiful, healthy baby girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.
My other friend sent me a text yesterday to let me know that they found out that their baby was a little girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.
I didn't go to any of my support group meetings this month. I feel stuck.
I have so much anger inside. Anger for a particular person that I know very well that has a beautiful little girl that she doesn't take care of. Well, she takes care of her, but doesn't really protect her (it's a long story) and I feel stuck.
I had a dream last night that Pace and I were getting ready to make love and then all of a sudden a picture flashed on the computer of one of my friends from college and she was about 8 months pregnant. I didn't even know she was pregnant, it totally ruined "the mood" and I broke down in tears...I feel stuck. (for the record, this was only a dream. As far as I know she is not pregnant)
I am sick with something similar to the swine flu (may be the swine flu, but they are only testing in extremely bad cases, so they are treating me for it). So I have literally been on the couch or in bed since Sunday. My only entertainment was a book that I finished yesterday morning and a magazine that Pace bought me last night, so I have turned to television. Ughhhh BAD IDEA! Have you every tried to watch daytime television? OMG! I would rather be at work. With the "Brin.ging Home Ba.by", "A Ba.by Story", "I Didn't Kn.ow", "Bi.rth Day", "Run.way Moms", "Del.iver Me", "Adop.tion Stories", you just can't catch a break and for me it is like a train wreck. I know I SHOULDN'T watch and I should change the channel...I just CAN'T and I feel stuck.
I want off this roller coaster. I just want to be a mom. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to hold my own child in my arms and feel complete.
My friend had her baby on Friday. A beautiful, healthy baby girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.
My other friend sent me a text yesterday to let me know that they found out that their baby was a little girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.
I didn't go to any of my support group meetings this month. I feel stuck.
I have so much anger inside. Anger for a particular person that I know very well that has a beautiful little girl that she doesn't take care of. Well, she takes care of her, but doesn't really protect her (it's a long story) and I feel stuck.
I had a dream last night that Pace and I were getting ready to make love and then all of a sudden a picture flashed on the computer of one of my friends from college and she was about 8 months pregnant. I didn't even know she was pregnant, it totally ruined "the mood" and I broke down in tears...I feel stuck. (for the record, this was only a dream. As far as I know she is not pregnant)
I am sick with something similar to the swine flu (may be the swine flu, but they are only testing in extremely bad cases, so they are treating me for it). So I have literally been on the couch or in bed since Sunday. My only entertainment was a book that I finished yesterday morning and a magazine that Pace bought me last night, so I have turned to television. Ughhhh BAD IDEA! Have you every tried to watch daytime television? OMG! I would rather be at work. With the "Brin.ging Home Ba.by", "A Ba.by Story", "I Didn't Kn.ow", "Bi.rth Day", "Run.way Moms", "Del.iver Me", "Adop.tion Stories", you just can't catch a break and for me it is like a train wreck. I know I SHOULDN'T watch and I should change the channel...I just CAN'T and I feel stuck.
I want off this roller coaster. I just want to be a mom. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to hold my own child in my arms and feel complete.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It's Howl-a-ween time!
Pace and I put up our Halloween decorations this weekend and I was also approached by a friend at church to help out with the annual Hallopalooza for our church this year.
All of this got me thinking, and actually made me kind of sad. No doubt about it, Halloween is a holiday for kids, and this time of year starts a very active season of children and family related holidays.
I told Pace last night that since we don't have a little one to dress up for Halloween, I was going to dress up the dogs. He wasn't thrilled, but I am pretty sure he was amused.
Here are a few ideas:
This would be for my little sugar, she is a very hyper-active mut. Looks like she is mixed with a wiener dog and chihuahua.
This would be for my bigger dog, Lucky. He thinks he is the biggest, baddest guard dog on the planet. He is also a mut. Kind of looks like Rhodesian Ridgeback and sharpei (not sure if that is spelled right)
Here is a pic of my furbabies:
I love these guys. They are my savior some days. They truly show me the meaning of unconditional love.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Pregnancy Announcements
This year has been full of them. I am once again in the phase where it seems like almost everyone I know is pregnant. I actually have a "fall" and a "spring" phase for whatever reason, so here I am. I have given a lot of thought to pregnancy announcements over the last couple of weeks and would like to share some of them with you.
Pregnancy announcement #1: Via myspace. This was a person that I used to be related to via marriage and who knows about our struggles.
Pregnancy announcement #2: In private on our way to dinner with some girlfriends, my friend told me she was expecting.
Pregnancy announcement #3: At a party in front of all our friends, my friend tells me that she is pregnant. She and her husband know everything about our infertility and we considered them some of our closest, best friends
Pregnancy announcement #4: Via an email, my cousin announced her pregnancy to the family
Pregnancy announcement #5: Via the news. Haha - don't let your mind jump to conclusions. It is actually the weather lady on the news that I watch EVERY morning while getting ready for work. (ok, so I don't KNOW her and she certainly doesn't KNOW me, but it is a pregnancy that I am faced with every day) LOL
Pregnancy announcement #6: Via text message. A friend and sort of relative announced that she and her husband are expecting
All of these announcements have occurred between February '09 and today. All of them were announced in different ways and each made me feel like I was punched in the stomach.
I don't know what the best way of announcing a pregnancy to an infertile woman is, but I can tell you the one that destroyed me the most was the one that was announced in public at a party. That was by far the hardest announcement to go through. Especially when both of them knew how badly we want a child of our own. It was down right cruel.
Anyone care to share a pregnancy announcement? Good or Bad? Leave a comment I would love to hear of your experiences!
Pregnancy announcement #1: Via myspace. This was a person that I used to be related to via marriage and who knows about our struggles.
Pregnancy announcement #2: In private on our way to dinner with some girlfriends, my friend told me she was expecting.
Pregnancy announcement #3: At a party in front of all our friends, my friend tells me that she is pregnant. She and her husband know everything about our infertility and we considered them some of our closest, best friends
Pregnancy announcement #4: Via an email, my cousin announced her pregnancy to the family
Pregnancy announcement #5: Via the news. Haha - don't let your mind jump to conclusions. It is actually the weather lady on the news that I watch EVERY morning while getting ready for work. (ok, so I don't KNOW her and she certainly doesn't KNOW me, but it is a pregnancy that I am faced with every day) LOL
Pregnancy announcement #6: Via text message. A friend and sort of relative announced that she and her husband are expecting
All of these announcements have occurred between February '09 and today. All of them were announced in different ways and each made me feel like I was punched in the stomach.
I don't know what the best way of announcing a pregnancy to an infertile woman is, but I can tell you the one that destroyed me the most was the one that was announced in public at a party. That was by far the hardest announcement to go through. Especially when both of them knew how badly we want a child of our own. It was down right cruel.
Anyone care to share a pregnancy announcement? Good or Bad? Leave a comment I would love to hear of your experiences!
Friday, October 02, 2009
AWARDS!!!
award! I have always imagined myself as a little "Over the Top" so why would my blog be any different!
Ok so I have to answer the below questions with only ONE word answer:-
1. Where is your cell phone?DESK
2. Your hair? STRAIGHT
3. Your mother? COURAGEOUS
4. Your father? STRONG
4. Your father? STRONG
5. Your favorite food? SUSHI
6. Your dream last night? YAMS
7. Your favorite drink? COFFEE
8. Your dream/goal? SERENITY
9. What room are you in? OFFICE
10. Your hobby? BLOGGING
11. Your fear? CHILDLESSNESS
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? KINDERGARTEN
11. Your fear? CHILDLESSNESS
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? KINDERGARTEN
13. Where were you last night? HOME
14. Something that you aren’t? SERENE
15. Muffins? NO
16. Wish list item? CHILDREN
14. Something that you aren’t? SERENE
15. Muffins? NO
16. Wish list item? CHILDREN
17. Where did you grow up? KANSAS
18. Last thing you did? READ
19. What are you wearing? SHORTS
19. What are you wearing? SHORTS
20. Your TV? OFF
21. Your pets? DOGS
22. Friends? GREAT
23. Your life? BLECH
24. Your mood? DISCOURAGED
25. Missing someone? YES
26. Vehicle? TRUCK
27. Something you’re not wearing? SOCKS
28. Your favorite store? MARSHALLS
28. Your favorite store? MARSHALLS
29. Your favorite colour? GREEN
30. When was the last time you laughed? YESTERDAY
31. Last time you cried? TODAY
32. Your best friend? UNDECIDED
33. One place that I go to over and over? WORK
34. One person who emails me regularly? DEBI
35. Favorite place to eat? OREGANOS
I'm passing this award onto: Anyone who is reading this because let's be honest...opening up about our infertility, sex life, bodies, health, relationships, grief, miscarriages, treatments etc. on the Internet makes us ALL a little "Over the Top"!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Painted Fingernails
The famous saying goes "it's the little things in life that count". Nothing could be more true for me right now. I went shopping last night and decided I needed to get some new fingernail polish. I didn't want to go with the traditional red or pink, however I couldn't go all the way to the black, green or midnight blue, so I settled with purple. A nice hue of lavender.
Let me recap. My mom's fingernails are like concrete blocks. They are almost in destructive. They grow beautifully, stay strong and require very little maintenance. My nails on the other hand are weak, brittle, flaky and a total mess most of the time. Even prenatal vitamins don't help. For me there is nothing that makes me feel more feminine (other than a new haircut) than nice, long, painted nails. I wore fake ones for a long time, but they just destroyed my real nails and end up looking like crap eventually anyway. So I have been sporting my short, stubby naked nails for the last couple of months.
Every time I looked down at my naked nails, I thought my hands looked fat and stubby, they didn't look feminine at all to me. I eventually just tried to stop looking at my nails because it made me feel frumpy, dumpy and bloated.
So last night I make it home with my new purple fingernail polish and decide to put in on. I started with one hand only so I could confirm that I liked the color and then a few minutes before I went to bed, I painted the other hand and did a second coat.
Then...I woke up this morning. As I was doing my hair and my make-up I caught the shiny purple color reflecting back in the mirror at me and I smiled. I looked down at my hands and my fingers looked longer and skinnier somehow, they looked feminine and I smiled. The purple hue made the diamonds in my wedding ring glisten as if it were brand new and I smiled.
I left for work this morning with a peace that the day was going to be ok, I was going to be ok and that this may actually be a good day. All because of my painted fingernails.
Sometimes, It really is the small things in life that count.
Let me recap. My mom's fingernails are like concrete blocks. They are almost in destructive. They grow beautifully, stay strong and require very little maintenance. My nails on the other hand are weak, brittle, flaky and a total mess most of the time. Even prenatal vitamins don't help. For me there is nothing that makes me feel more feminine (other than a new haircut) than nice, long, painted nails. I wore fake ones for a long time, but they just destroyed my real nails and end up looking like crap eventually anyway. So I have been sporting my short, stubby naked nails for the last couple of months.
Every time I looked down at my naked nails, I thought my hands looked fat and stubby, they didn't look feminine at all to me. I eventually just tried to stop looking at my nails because it made me feel frumpy, dumpy and bloated.
So last night I make it home with my new purple fingernail polish and decide to put in on. I started with one hand only so I could confirm that I liked the color and then a few minutes before I went to bed, I painted the other hand and did a second coat.
Then...I woke up this morning. As I was doing my hair and my make-up I caught the shiny purple color reflecting back in the mirror at me and I smiled. I looked down at my hands and my fingers looked longer and skinnier somehow, they looked feminine and I smiled. The purple hue made the diamonds in my wedding ring glisten as if it were brand new and I smiled.
I left for work this morning with a peace that the day was going to be ok, I was going to be ok and that this may actually be a good day. All because of my painted fingernails.
Sometimes, It really is the small things in life that count.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
A shift
I had a pretty good weekend, nothing really major, hung out with some friends, helped my friends with their horses, played Rock.Band and of course watched football!
On Sunday Pace and I participated in a research study on the emotional and relational effects of infertility on individuals. This consisted of a woman coming to our house and interviewing each of us separately. The questions were pretty basic:
While you were going through treatment, do you think your emotional needs were met by your Dr/RE as well as your physical?
How has infertility affected your friendships/family relationships?
How has infertility changed you?
How has infertility changed your spouse?
It was actually very interesting and it was the most I had thought about and talked about our infertility since we decided to take a break. I did my interview first, and then it was Pace's turn. After we both did our interviews, the facilitator handed us an envelope with some cash in it to compensate us for our time. We tried to refuse, but when she told us it was the University's money and not hers, we decided to take it. LOL
When she left, Pace looked at me, handed me the envelope and said. "Let's start that baby fund." I literally broke down in tears and jumped in his arms. We are going to set up a separate account for treatment/adoption (whichever route we decide to go) so that friends and family can donate as well instead of purchasing Christmas/birthday gifts for us. I am SO excited ladies. It may be a very small step, but at least I know that he hasn't given up. That we WILL return to our quest to find a family, it is just a matter of when.
I am so excited that fall is here, the weather is starting to change, it is still dark out when I wake up in the morning now. I LOVE FALL!!! We don't get to see many seasons here in Arizona, so fall is a BIG thing for us! Plus it means that the dreadful heat is almost over!
This weekend I am attending an Christian women's conference with a friend of mine. I am very excited, I haven't attended one of these things for a very long time and I NEED TO BE FED! I have been starving myself long enough. I am so excited to experience the fellowship and GREAT music!
On Sunday Pace and I participated in a research study on the emotional and relational effects of infertility on individuals. This consisted of a woman coming to our house and interviewing each of us separately. The questions were pretty basic:
While you were going through treatment, do you think your emotional needs were met by your Dr/RE as well as your physical?
How has infertility affected your friendships/family relationships?
How has infertility changed you?
How has infertility changed your spouse?
It was actually very interesting and it was the most I had thought about and talked about our infertility since we decided to take a break. I did my interview first, and then it was Pace's turn. After we both did our interviews, the facilitator handed us an envelope with some cash in it to compensate us for our time. We tried to refuse, but when she told us it was the University's money and not hers, we decided to take it. LOL
When she left, Pace looked at me, handed me the envelope and said. "Let's start that baby fund." I literally broke down in tears and jumped in his arms. We are going to set up a separate account for treatment/adoption (whichever route we decide to go) so that friends and family can donate as well instead of purchasing Christmas/birthday gifts for us. I am SO excited ladies. It may be a very small step, but at least I know that he hasn't given up. That we WILL return to our quest to find a family, it is just a matter of when.
I am so excited that fall is here, the weather is starting to change, it is still dark out when I wake up in the morning now. I LOVE FALL!!! We don't get to see many seasons here in Arizona, so fall is a BIG thing for us! Plus it means that the dreadful heat is almost over!
This weekend I am attending an Christian women's conference with a friend of mine. I am very excited, I haven't attended one of these things for a very long time and I NEED TO BE FED! I have been starving myself long enough. I am so excited to experience the fellowship and GREAT music!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Mind/Body Connection
I went to the professionally led support group last Wednesday. It was AMAZING! The facilitator really knows her stuff and man there wasn't a dry eye in the room!
Her main focus is mind/body connection and really paying attention to what your body is telling you. She talked about psychosomatic tendencies and how these symptoms aren't just "made up" they are real. Your emotional state makes a HUGE difference on your physical state. No she was NOT saying JUST RELAX AND IT WILL HAPPEN, she was talking about being more in tune with your emotions so that your energies and blood flow can regain harmony, thus making your body physically healthier.
It made so much sense and it made me think about my appointment next week to start anti.depressants. Maybe I should give this mind/body thing a shot first. It totally makes sense, it won't be easy, but I am not one to look for the easy way out of things.
She took us through a guided meditation which TOTALLY relaxed me. I couldn't believe how incredibly at peace I felt. After meditating she asked us to really pay attention to our bodies for a moment and search for that place where we keep all of our emotions/pain/turmoil hidden in our bodies. She told us how important it is to let those emotions out and that keeping them stuffed inside only causes more stress, trouble and disease. She also emphasized how important it is to be honest with how you are feeling to friends and family. When you receive yet another pregnancy announcement, tell that person. "I really am happy for you and I wish I could express that to you right now, but I am going to need time. You see, I am really hurting right now and although this is a wondrous occasion for you, please understand that it is really difficult for me."
When the facilitator first said this, my initial reaction was "yeah right" I could NEVER tell my friends or family that. For multiple reasons.
1. I don't want to show the emotions to people because that leaves me vulnerable and at risk of being hurt by a stupid "be thankful for what you have, maybe you should just relax, why don't you just adopt.etc." kind of comment.
2. Who the hell am I to rain on my friend/family's parade when they are announcing something so joyous ?
3. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me when it comes to fertility/children stuff.
That is when I realized...
1. If I am unable to show my friends my emotions and leave myself vulnerable to them and trust them, then what kind of friendships do I really have? Sure, I may get hurt, but that happens anyway, if I am engaging in an honest, open friendship with them, then I should find it easier to correct them and explain to them how much those "comments" really hurt.
2. Am I doing more damage by stuffing my emotions inside, putting on a fake smile and pretending to be happy for my friends rather than just being open and honest with them about how I am feeling? I think so. I had to take a step back and ask myself if I had a friend that was hurting, would I want her to stuff those feelings inside, put on a fake smile and then fall apart alone, behind the scenes? Absolutely NOT! I would want her to lean on me for support, so why do I think that my friends don't want to do the same for me?
3. I think people walk on eggshells around me now. So if I want different results, maybe I should try something new! If I am honest with people about how I am feeling, don't you think they would be less likely to be uneasy around me because they know I would be open and honest with them? They would not have to fear the "unknown" because there wouldn't be any "unknown".
It is a lot to take in, but very exhilarating as well. I had the baby shower for my dear friend last Saturday and I couldn't bring myself to go. Then she sent me an email stating that she was going to have a sleep-over with a couple of girlfriends and she wanted me to be there. I responded to her email and told her that as much as I wanted to be able to be there for her, I just couldn't right now. I was having a tough time and it would be much harder on me to be there, than for me not to be there. Guess what...Not only did she completely understand, she thanked me for being honest with her. Huh...how many other people out there have I underestimated and just assumed they would be uncomfortable talking about my infertility, when in all reality, they wanted to be there as a support.
Food for thought!
Her main focus is mind/body connection and really paying attention to what your body is telling you. She talked about psychosomatic tendencies and how these symptoms aren't just "made up" they are real. Your emotional state makes a HUGE difference on your physical state. No she was NOT saying JUST RELAX AND IT WILL HAPPEN, she was talking about being more in tune with your emotions so that your energies and blood flow can regain harmony, thus making your body physically healthier.
It made so much sense and it made me think about my appointment next week to start anti.depressants. Maybe I should give this mind/body thing a shot first. It totally makes sense, it won't be easy, but I am not one to look for the easy way out of things.
She took us through a guided meditation which TOTALLY relaxed me. I couldn't believe how incredibly at peace I felt. After meditating she asked us to really pay attention to our bodies for a moment and search for that place where we keep all of our emotions/pain/turmoil hidden in our bodies. She told us how important it is to let those emotions out and that keeping them stuffed inside only causes more stress, trouble and disease. She also emphasized how important it is to be honest with how you are feeling to friends and family. When you receive yet another pregnancy announcement, tell that person. "I really am happy for you and I wish I could express that to you right now, but I am going to need time. You see, I am really hurting right now and although this is a wondrous occasion for you, please understand that it is really difficult for me."
When the facilitator first said this, my initial reaction was "yeah right" I could NEVER tell my friends or family that. For multiple reasons.
1. I don't want to show the emotions to people because that leaves me vulnerable and at risk of being hurt by a stupid "be thankful for what you have, maybe you should just relax, why don't you just adopt.etc." kind of comment.
2. Who the hell am I to rain on my friend/family's parade when they are announcing something so joyous ?
3. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me when it comes to fertility/children stuff.
That is when I realized...
1. If I am unable to show my friends my emotions and leave myself vulnerable to them and trust them, then what kind of friendships do I really have? Sure, I may get hurt, but that happens anyway, if I am engaging in an honest, open friendship with them, then I should find it easier to correct them and explain to them how much those "comments" really hurt.
2. Am I doing more damage by stuffing my emotions inside, putting on a fake smile and pretending to be happy for my friends rather than just being open and honest with them about how I am feeling? I think so. I had to take a step back and ask myself if I had a friend that was hurting, would I want her to stuff those feelings inside, put on a fake smile and then fall apart alone, behind the scenes? Absolutely NOT! I would want her to lean on me for support, so why do I think that my friends don't want to do the same for me?
3. I think people walk on eggshells around me now. So if I want different results, maybe I should try something new! If I am honest with people about how I am feeling, don't you think they would be less likely to be uneasy around me because they know I would be open and honest with them? They would not have to fear the "unknown" because there wouldn't be any "unknown".
It is a lot to take in, but very exhilarating as well. I had the baby shower for my dear friend last Saturday and I couldn't bring myself to go. Then she sent me an email stating that she was going to have a sleep-over with a couple of girlfriends and she wanted me to be there. I responded to her email and told her that as much as I wanted to be able to be there for her, I just couldn't right now. I was having a tough time and it would be much harder on me to be there, than for me not to be there. Guess what...Not only did she completely understand, she thanked me for being honest with her. Huh...how many other people out there have I underestimated and just assumed they would be uncomfortable talking about my infertility, when in all reality, they wanted to be there as a support.
Food for thought!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Darn Infertility
Thank you all for your input on the questions of my last blog. I have done a lot of thinking over the last week and I think it is time for me to sort some things out.
I have a history of depression, but the last time I was medicated for it was 9 years ago. I think it is time again. I just need something to help me take the edge off and get my positive thinking back. I am tired of being sad and gloomy, I want to be my fun, crazy self again. (ok - I am still crazy, but not in the fun, happy sort of way, more like the manic, psychotic sort of way now) LOL
I am going to talk to my brother (our financial advisor and banker) about setting up a separate savings account for adoption. I know that we are not prepared to take that step "yet", but when we are prepared, I would like to have the money in place to do so. I can't stomach the thought of being emotionally and psychologically ready to move forward and then having to wait another 6 months to save up money. I am also thinking of getting a part time job (something I can do on the weekends or a couple evenings a week) to get a jump start to my adoption fund.
I am going to my first professionally-led infertility support group through RES.OLVE tonight. I am a regular member of the pee-led one, but think it is time to "step up the game" and I just want to see what a professional has to say. I will definitely update you all on how this goes.
I am feeling a lot of anger, a lot of bitterness and sadness still. I didn't go to my friends baby shower last weekend. I just couldn't do it (plus we had Pace's little sister all weekend). I am just not in a good place right now.
I have a question for you all on adoption. Whether you have gone through the home-study process or not, you can either give your opinion or your experience.
I was wondering what/if any repercussions I could expect if I am on anti.depressants while going through the adoption process. Obviously, if going on anti.depressants is going to hinder our ability to adopt in anyway, I will not do it. Do you all have any insight on this? By the way - I know it may disqualify us from international adoption (especially China) but we are looking at doing domestic infant adoption.
Thank you all! I hope you all are doing well
I have a history of depression, but the last time I was medicated for it was 9 years ago. I think it is time again. I just need something to help me take the edge off and get my positive thinking back. I am tired of being sad and gloomy, I want to be my fun, crazy self again. (ok - I am still crazy, but not in the fun, happy sort of way, more like the manic, psychotic sort of way now) LOL
I am going to talk to my brother (our financial advisor and banker) about setting up a separate savings account for adoption. I know that we are not prepared to take that step "yet", but when we are prepared, I would like to have the money in place to do so. I can't stomach the thought of being emotionally and psychologically ready to move forward and then having to wait another 6 months to save up money. I am also thinking of getting a part time job (something I can do on the weekends or a couple evenings a week) to get a jump start to my adoption fund.
I am going to my first professionally-led infertility support group through RES.OLVE tonight. I am a regular member of the pee-led one, but think it is time to "step up the game" and I just want to see what a professional has to say. I will definitely update you all on how this goes.
I am feeling a lot of anger, a lot of bitterness and sadness still. I didn't go to my friends baby shower last weekend. I just couldn't do it (plus we had Pace's little sister all weekend). I am just not in a good place right now.
I have a question for you all on adoption. Whether you have gone through the home-study process or not, you can either give your opinion or your experience.
I was wondering what/if any repercussions I could expect if I am on anti.depressants while going through the adoption process. Obviously, if going on anti.depressants is going to hinder our ability to adopt in anyway, I will not do it. Do you all have any insight on this? By the way - I know it may disqualify us from international adoption (especially China) but we are looking at doing domestic infant adoption.
Thank you all! I hope you all are doing well
Friday, September 18, 2009
Support systems and friendships
I felt so much better after blogging the other day. I just needed to get some of that stuff off my chest and it reminded me so well why I started Blogging in the first place.
Sometimes you just can't talk to people about this infertility stuff. When I try talking to my girlfriends about infertility, they usually feel uncomfortable or they start asking 100 questions and the entire conversation ends up me educating them on infertility which isn't what I need sometimes. I am very grateful they want to learn and become familiar, but just once I would like to curl up in a friends arms and just cry and scream and yell about how unfair this is and how much this hurts. I just want her to hold my head, hand me a tissue and say "I know sweetie."
Don't get me wrong, I have WONDERFUL friends, I just don't know how to reach out to them when it comes to infertility. When the Dr. found my cyst a couple of months ago, I tried. It failed miserably. It was so uncomfortable talking to my friend, I wanted her to put her arm around me and comfort me like I did for her when her Grandpa passed away. I wanted her to let me cry on her shoulder, but sadly I guess our friendship just isn't that way. Now she is pregnant, so she is busy and I feel like it is SO awkward for her to be around me now, so she pretty much avoids me. (They got pregnant their first month of "not preventing)
I just wish I knew how to open up to others. I used to pour my heart out to Pace all the time and cry in his arms, but I realize now that I was making it so much harder for him. It broke his heart to see me so upset and so angry, I totally relied on him alone when we lost the baby and he is traumatized still to this day. He is terrified of trying again because he doesn't want to see me hurting like that ever again.
So - I am interested - do you ladies have friends that you can call and cry to? What kind of in-person (not over the Internet) support system do you have? If you have a girlfriend that you an cry to, how did you get to that point, or has your friendship always allowed for that?
Sometimes you just can't talk to people about this infertility stuff. When I try talking to my girlfriends about infertility, they usually feel uncomfortable or they start asking 100 questions and the entire conversation ends up me educating them on infertility which isn't what I need sometimes. I am very grateful they want to learn and become familiar, but just once I would like to curl up in a friends arms and just cry and scream and yell about how unfair this is and how much this hurts. I just want her to hold my head, hand me a tissue and say "I know sweetie."
Don't get me wrong, I have WONDERFUL friends, I just don't know how to reach out to them when it comes to infertility. When the Dr. found my cyst a couple of months ago, I tried. It failed miserably. It was so uncomfortable talking to my friend, I wanted her to put her arm around me and comfort me like I did for her when her Grandpa passed away. I wanted her to let me cry on her shoulder, but sadly I guess our friendship just isn't that way. Now she is pregnant, so she is busy and I feel like it is SO awkward for her to be around me now, so she pretty much avoids me. (They got pregnant their first month of "not preventing)
I just wish I knew how to open up to others. I used to pour my heart out to Pace all the time and cry in his arms, but I realize now that I was making it so much harder for him. It broke his heart to see me so upset and so angry, I totally relied on him alone when we lost the baby and he is traumatized still to this day. He is terrified of trying again because he doesn't want to see me hurting like that ever again.
So - I am interested - do you ladies have friends that you can call and cry to? What kind of in-person (not over the Internet) support system do you have? If you have a girlfriend that you an cry to, how did you get to that point, or has your friendship always allowed for that?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
S.T.R.U.G.G.L.I.N.G.
I am struggling friends. As I have previously mentioned, work is VERY stressful right now. Some days I just wish they would shut the damn doors so I could just move on. I hate this limbo crap of not knowing what the hell my future looks like. I guess after infertility I should be used to this feeling but darn it, I'm not.
My friend and co-worker that has breast cancer did NOT get laid off. Thank Goodness! They did cut her pay pretty dramatically, but she still has a job.
I attended the monthly infertility support group meeting last week and it made me realize how bitter I still am. Here we are on a break that I DON'T WANT TO TAKE. I am taking it because my husband needed it, I probably needed it too, but I didn't WANT it. For the first time in years I have no idea where I am at in my cycle, I have no idea if I ovulated, I am clueless. AND I HATE IT. I haven't done any research, I have been very bad at blogging, I have just kind of become a hermit. I just feel lost. My husband said that he wanted his wife back...well... I am NEVER going to be the person I was 5 years ago. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on, spit on, shredded to pieces and then stuffed back in this broken, malfunctioning body of mine. I will never be the same goo-goo ga-ga-ooooh- I- am- SO- in- love- nothing- can- ever- go- wrong- in- my- life- naive person again. No break will EVER make that pain go away. I can't just flip the switch from "actively TTC" to "On a break" and act like nothing is wrong.
I have two very close friends that are pregnant right now. One is having a baby shower this weekend. I have no idea if I will be able to go. Thankfully she is a dear and totally understands and supports me being there....or not. My other friend however, I am not so sure she will be as understanding.
I think that being on a break is driving me more insane than actively TTC did. I feel helpless, hopeless, distant, lost. I am tired of standing still. I have been standing still for over a year and I don't want to do it anymore. I need to move forward.
So I am taking small steps to move forward. I have told my husband what I plan on doing, but the steps are small enough that it appears to not be upsetting the "we are on a break" cart.
Step One: I have Nat.ive Amer.ican blood in me and recently my friend on FB adopted a Nat.ive Amer.ican baby within days of getting certified because she has her "Ind.ian card" (that's what my mom calls it). Nat.ive Amer.icans will only adopt out to other NA. (it is some triballaw) That leaves a market open to me that may not be open to others and I expect to take full advantage of that. So, I am going to contact my mom and start figuring out how I can get my "Ind.ian card" That way if we do end up adopting, I will already have that in place. If we don't end up adopting, there are other benefits I could utilize from having that card.
Step Two: I have been brainstorming fundraising ideas for adoption. I am going to talk to my brother (who is an investment broker and handles all our money) about setting up a separate, private account for donations and fundraising. I need to put on my big girl panties and stop being scared to ask for financial help because...we need it. If I don't ask, we will never have children.
So, that is me right now, I am bitter, angry, tired and overall in a Bad mood (if you have seen 40 year old virgin, you know how that quote is supposed to go - I love that quote!)
I guess sometimes we are ok, and others we are not. Right now I am not.
My friend and co-worker that has breast cancer did NOT get laid off. Thank Goodness! They did cut her pay pretty dramatically, but she still has a job.
I attended the monthly infertility support group meeting last week and it made me realize how bitter I still am. Here we are on a break that I DON'T WANT TO TAKE. I am taking it because my husband needed it, I probably needed it too, but I didn't WANT it. For the first time in years I have no idea where I am at in my cycle, I have no idea if I ovulated, I am clueless. AND I HATE IT. I haven't done any research, I have been very bad at blogging, I have just kind of become a hermit. I just feel lost. My husband said that he wanted his wife back...well... I am NEVER going to be the person I was 5 years ago. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on, spit on, shredded to pieces and then stuffed back in this broken, malfunctioning body of mine. I will never be the same goo-goo ga-ga-ooooh- I- am- SO- in- love- nothing- can- ever- go- wrong- in- my- life- naive person again. No break will EVER make that pain go away. I can't just flip the switch from "actively TTC" to "On a break" and act like nothing is wrong.
I have two very close friends that are pregnant right now. One is having a baby shower this weekend. I have no idea if I will be able to go. Thankfully she is a dear and totally understands and supports me being there....or not. My other friend however, I am not so sure she will be as understanding.
I think that being on a break is driving me more insane than actively TTC did. I feel helpless, hopeless, distant, lost. I am tired of standing still. I have been standing still for over a year and I don't want to do it anymore. I need to move forward.
So I am taking small steps to move forward. I have told my husband what I plan on doing, but the steps are small enough that it appears to not be upsetting the "we are on a break" cart.
Step One: I have Nat.ive Amer.ican blood in me and recently my friend on FB adopted a Nat.ive Amer.ican baby within days of getting certified because she has her "Ind.ian card" (that's what my mom calls it). Nat.ive Amer.icans will only adopt out to other NA. (it is some triballaw) That leaves a market open to me that may not be open to others and I expect to take full advantage of that. So, I am going to contact my mom and start figuring out how I can get my "Ind.ian card" That way if we do end up adopting, I will already have that in place. If we don't end up adopting, there are other benefits I could utilize from having that card.
Step Two: I have been brainstorming fundraising ideas for adoption. I am going to talk to my brother (who is an investment broker and handles all our money) about setting up a separate, private account for donations and fundraising. I need to put on my big girl panties and stop being scared to ask for financial help because...we need it. If I don't ask, we will never have children.
So, that is me right now, I am bitter, angry, tired and overall in a Bad mood (if you have seen 40 year old virgin, you know how that quote is supposed to go - I love that quote!)
I guess sometimes we are ok, and others we are not. Right now I am not.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
*Updated* Dana? Two Live Crew?
Hey Dana - emails from people are coming in through comments on this blog - not sure if you have seen them. I haven't gotten an email from you yet for the invite, so I just wanted to make sure you knew that the emails are coming in!
Hey hon - I wasn't sure how else to communicate with you as your blog appears to be "invite only" now. I tried to comment today, but something happened and my computer totally freaked out, so I was trying to log on again, but couldn't access your blog.
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your little one. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow - I will be thinking of you!
Nichole
Hey hon - I wasn't sure how else to communicate with you as your blog appears to be "invite only" now. I tried to comment today, but something happened and my computer totally freaked out, so I was trying to log on again, but couldn't access your blog.
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your little one. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow - I will be thinking of you!
Nichole
Not in Kansas anymore (cont.)
Ok...so where did I leave off.
Pace and I headed home fairly early Friday night. Everyone was getting pretty drunk and silly, so it was time to go. :-)
We woke up Saturday morning to the most beautiful fog. You could hardly see anything. It was AWESOME! We enjoyed a nice breakfast with my parents and began to plan our day. Do you remember the Chicken Enchilada Delight I was jonesing for before I left? 
I GOT IT!!!
I GOT IT!!! It was AWESOME! Even better than I remember because I was able to share it with Pace and my parents. After we had lunch, we went back to the farm and my dad had to go get the "Bad Boy" out of the garage. My parents have A LOT of grass to mow, so my dad recently got this awesome 72 inch blade riding lawn mower. He was just like a little boy at Christmas time! Pace of course had been eyeing the weed eater in the garage since we had arrived, so he took my dad mowing as an opportunity to get in and get dirty on the farm.
I went out and worked a little in my mom's flower beds picking weeds and trimming the bushes getting them ready for the winter. It was so nice. That is until Pace's allergies kicked in. LOL We all got dirty and spent some time enjoying the beautiful weather and each other's company. After the lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled (or cut down with the weed eater), and the wasp nests were destroyed (my mom is horribly allergic) we hit the showers to prepare for the dinner and dance for the reunion.
We got there just in time for dinner and I was very dissappointed to see that not many had changed since High School. The clicks were all the same and very few had changed or matured since we graduated. I hung out and caught up with those that I wanted and then after one adorable dance
We headed off to our friend James' house for a drink and some nice conversation.
Sunday morning my parents were kind enough to let us sluff church so we could catch up on some much needed ZZZZZZ's. After traveling for a day and staying up until 2 am two nights in a row...we were really in need of some good sleep. Mom and dad took us to breakfast and then back to the farm we went.
Pace couldn't wait to get out in the pasture and help my brother chop down some big, beautiful, but bothersome trees. So off they went on the bobcat with a chainsaw in hand. While they boys played with their toys I helped my mom make her famous fried chicken, mashed potatoes and chicken gravy. One of my all time favorite meals that my mom makes. Nobody makes chicken gravy like she does!
It was very bittersweet as our trip was coming to an end. I knew I wasn't ready to go home. After all of the pressure and stress I had been dealing with in AZ, it was so comforting to have my mom hold me, hug me and just love on me. I miss them so much. They aren't getting any younger and having to leave them was so difficult.
Here we are back in AZ, back in the heat, back to work and muddling our way through this short week and looking forward to the weekend. My nephew just started playing football, so we are headed off to see his game tomorrow night. I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON! Woo Hoo!
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Not in Kansas anymore
I had such a wonderful time in KS. I was NOT ready to come home. I wanted to blog while at my parent's house because I didn't want to miss anything, but I just couldn't find the time so I will do my best to relive the trip for you!
We headed to the airport Thursday morning with VERY little time to spare. I like to have plenty of time when I get to the airport because you never know how long everything is going to take. Well, we were arriving at the airport with about an hour until our plane left. We still had to park the car, take the shuttle to the airport, check our bags, go through security and get to our gate. Needless to say, I was a little STRESSED! However, we got on the plane in just enough time and off we went.
We arrived in beautiful Denver a few hours later and got our rental car. Pace surprised me by renting the new Cam.aro. He said I needed to arrive to my reunion in style. LOL We started to drive to my parents and I felt instantly relaxed. The beautiful sunflower fields, the clouds and the rain. I felt like I was home. The drive went smoothly. We saw some crazy big birds, I have no idea what they were and a beautiful deer on the side of the road. We drove through some rain and I just couldn't wait to get home.
We arrived in the evening and were greeted in the driveway by the family dog, Bo. He is a beautiful golden retriever that has really helped my parents deal with "empty nest" syndrome. Seeing my mom and dad come out of the house to greet us was awesome! I miss them so much. We spent the evening visiting and made some plans to do some touring on Friday.
When we went up to bed, the windows were open and a wonderful cool breeze was blowing through the bedroom. I feel asleep to the cool night air and the sound of locusts buzzing in the trees. I was home.
Friday morning we loaded up in the car and headed out. We drove by some new land that my parents bought, a new wind farm that is going up by my parents house, and to Greensburg KS. If you don't know about Greensburg, it is a small town in KS that was almost completely wiped out by a huge tornado two years ago. They are rebuilding it now and are building it back "green". There is a show on Green TV all about rebuilding the town. My parents also drove us out to the new lake that they are building and also the new casino. This little town really is growing up! LOL
Friday evening was the first evening of planned activities for the reunion. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to throw up. We got to the bar and started mingling. The first hour was kind of rough, especially on Pace. He obviously didn't know anyone and I felt pretty bad. So, he called our friend James (James and I went to high school together, he lived in AZ for a little while where he met Pace and we all became very good friends) "Hi James"! (he reads my blogs too) :-)
For the rest of the night I think Pace and James were the life of the party. Everyone thought they were so funny and for the majority of the evening, I forgot about how awkward it was to be around all of these people from high school. As far as my classmates go, very few of them have changed. The clicks were all the same, it really felt like I was still in high school. Overall I am glad I went, but I enjoyed my time with my parents much more than the reunion itself.
This is getting way long, so I will write more about the weekend later!
We headed to the airport Thursday morning with VERY little time to spare. I like to have plenty of time when I get to the airport because you never know how long everything is going to take. Well, we were arriving at the airport with about an hour until our plane left. We still had to park the car, take the shuttle to the airport, check our bags, go through security and get to our gate. Needless to say, I was a little STRESSED! However, we got on the plane in just enough time and off we went.
We arrived in beautiful Denver a few hours later and got our rental car. Pace surprised me by renting the new Cam.aro. He said I needed to arrive to my reunion in style. LOL We started to drive to my parents and I felt instantly relaxed. The beautiful sunflower fields, the clouds and the rain. I felt like I was home. The drive went smoothly. We saw some crazy big birds, I have no idea what they were and a beautiful deer on the side of the road. We drove through some rain and I just couldn't wait to get home.
We arrived in the evening and were greeted in the driveway by the family dog, Bo. He is a beautiful golden retriever that has really helped my parents deal with "empty nest" syndrome. Seeing my mom and dad come out of the house to greet us was awesome! I miss them so much. We spent the evening visiting and made some plans to do some touring on Friday.
When we went up to bed, the windows were open and a wonderful cool breeze was blowing through the bedroom. I feel asleep to the cool night air and the sound of locusts buzzing in the trees. I was home.
Friday morning we loaded up in the car and headed out. We drove by some new land that my parents bought, a new wind farm that is going up by my parents house, and to Greensburg KS. If you don't know about Greensburg, it is a small town in KS that was almost completely wiped out by a huge tornado two years ago. They are rebuilding it now and are building it back "green". There is a show on Green TV all about rebuilding the town. My parents also drove us out to the new lake that they are building and also the new casino. This little town really is growing up! LOL
Friday evening was the first evening of planned activities for the reunion. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to throw up. We got to the bar and started mingling. The first hour was kind of rough, especially on Pace. He obviously didn't know anyone and I felt pretty bad. So, he called our friend James (James and I went to high school together, he lived in AZ for a little while where he met Pace and we all became very good friends) "Hi James"! (he reads my blogs too) :-)
For the rest of the night I think Pace and James were the life of the party. Everyone thought they were so funny and for the majority of the evening, I forgot about how awkward it was to be around all of these people from high school. As far as my classmates go, very few of them have changed. The clicks were all the same, it really felt like I was still in high school. Overall I am glad I went, but I enjoyed my time with my parents much more than the reunion itself.
This is getting way long, so I will write more about the weekend later!
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Totally out of it
So... I have been a bad blogger and an even worse commenter. To be honest...life really sucks right now.
The company I have worked at for almost 9 years is folding. It is only a matter of time (like within a few months). They have laid off nearly half of the employees today, more to come this week and the rest of us are just waiting around to show up to work to find locked doors. It is awful. My dear sweet friend who just had surgery last week due to breast cancer is quite possibly going to be one of the employees to be laid off this week. I am just absolutely sick to my stomach. I can't imagine working without her. She was hired as my assistant to help with the daily office responsibilities and there is NO WAY I can do it all without her. Her husband was laid off 6 months ago, hasn't been able to find any work, she was just diagnosed with breast cancer last month, and now this.
I am so stressed, sad and just overall disgusted at the poor decisions the owners have made over the last 2 years (new owners came in 2 years ago) that has brought the company to where they are now.
I am so excited to leave on Thursday and just get away from all of the stress and frustration even if it is only for 5 days. It will be 5 days of spending life in a much more relaxed, slow pace out on the farm with my parents. MUCH NEEDED!
TTC hasn't even been an option lately. I haven't been keeping track of what day I am on, haven't been taking OPT, haven't even given it a second thought (to my husbands pleasure).
I am so sorry I have been a bad blogger. So many things are going on right now, I just haven't had the time or the energy to get online.
That is all for now. I probably won't write again until I get home from my 10 year reunion. I hope you all have a wonderful and safe Labor Day and thank you for continuing to read my blog even though I don't update you all as often as I should!
Big Hugs!
The company I have worked at for almost 9 years is folding. It is only a matter of time (like within a few months). They have laid off nearly half of the employees today, more to come this week and the rest of us are just waiting around to show up to work to find locked doors. It is awful. My dear sweet friend who just had surgery last week due to breast cancer is quite possibly going to be one of the employees to be laid off this week. I am just absolutely sick to my stomach. I can't imagine working without her. She was hired as my assistant to help with the daily office responsibilities and there is NO WAY I can do it all without her. Her husband was laid off 6 months ago, hasn't been able to find any work, she was just diagnosed with breast cancer last month, and now this.
I am so stressed, sad and just overall disgusted at the poor decisions the owners have made over the last 2 years (new owners came in 2 years ago) that has brought the company to where they are now.
I am so excited to leave on Thursday and just get away from all of the stress and frustration even if it is only for 5 days. It will be 5 days of spending life in a much more relaxed, slow pace out on the farm with my parents. MUCH NEEDED!
TTC hasn't even been an option lately. I haven't been keeping track of what day I am on, haven't been taking OPT, haven't even given it a second thought (to my husbands pleasure).
I am so sorry I have been a bad blogger. So many things are going on right now, I just haven't had the time or the energy to get online.
That is all for now. I probably won't write again until I get home from my 10 year reunion. I hope you all have a wonderful and safe Labor Day and thank you for continuing to read my blog even though I don't update you all as often as I should!
Big Hugs!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I'm still here!
I know I have been pretty quiet lately. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and actually my life has just been really crazy.
I want to start by asking you all to please go over and visit Teri. She has had a very hard week and could really use your support
My work is moving to a different location and as the office manager, it has been my responsibility to pack up the entire office and get everything prepared for the move. By the time I get home at night, I am exhausted.
Nothing is really new for us on the fertility front. Actually we haven't even discussed it. It has been kind of nice, but difficult at the same time if that makes any sense. I really don't know how I feel about any of this stuff. I guess that means that I really needed this break after all.
We are going back home for my 10 year reunion next week. I am very excited to go see all of my old high school friends. Since I moved out of state, I haven't really stayed in touch with many of them, so this should be a very exciting trip. Plus I get to see my parents. This will be our first trip with just the two of us and our parents. Usually the whole family is there, so it will be nice to have some alone time with them. I should have LOTS of good stories after that trip! LOL
Pace teased that we should have shirts made that say "No...we don't have kids...don't ask" for the first night of the reunion. I thought that was not only very funny...but a darn good idea as well!
How did all of you handle your reunions and all of the "how many kids do you have" questions?... I would be very interested!
I want to start by asking you all to please go over and visit Teri. She has had a very hard week and could really use your support
My work is moving to a different location and as the office manager, it has been my responsibility to pack up the entire office and get everything prepared for the move. By the time I get home at night, I am exhausted.
Nothing is really new for us on the fertility front. Actually we haven't even discussed it. It has been kind of nice, but difficult at the same time if that makes any sense. I really don't know how I feel about any of this stuff. I guess that means that I really needed this break after all.
We are going back home for my 10 year reunion next week. I am very excited to go see all of my old high school friends. Since I moved out of state, I haven't really stayed in touch with many of them, so this should be a very exciting trip. Plus I get to see my parents. This will be our first trip with just the two of us and our parents. Usually the whole family is there, so it will be nice to have some alone time with them. I should have LOTS of good stories after that trip! LOL
Pace teased that we should have shirts made that say "No...we don't have kids...don't ask" for the first night of the reunion. I thought that was not only very funny...but a darn good idea as well!
How did all of you handle your reunions and all of the "how many kids do you have" questions?... I would be very interested!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
A lot can happen in a year (The finale)
I woke up in the morning and saw red. I had been told my my dr. that everything was fine and I shouldn't worry unless I saw red. I was so upset the night before because no one from my dr. office called me back with my BETA results. I called and no one would give me the results. I got really worked up and cried myself to sleep. Then I wake up to red.
I got dressed and went to work freaking out the whole way. I settle in to work and try to get my mind off of everything. As soon as my dr. office opens, I call the triage nurse. Right before that the cramps started kicking in. They were HORRIBLE. They were worse than I have ever experienced before. They took my breath away. The triage nurse told me to get to the hospital as soon as I could. I called Pace, but where he was working, he didn't have reception. I tried to get a hold of him for about a half hour bawling the whole time. Crying because I was scared, crying because I was in pain and crying because I felt like my world was crashing around me.
I finally got a hold of Pace, he told me to go home and he would pick me up and take me to the ER. By the time I got home I was bleeding very heavy. I knew.
When we arrived at the hospital, the ER nurse that was checking me in was about 8 months pregnant. Ouch.
They take a bunch of blood, and finally call me back for an ultrasound. By this time I am bleeding everywhere. The tech starts her scan and I just lie there and cry. I knew.
After the ultrasound I am taken back to a bed in the ER and was told the dr. would be back to see me shortly. We waited for 45 minutes and I knew.
I just wanted to leave. I needed to get out of that damn hospital. I needed to curl up in bed in my husbands arms and cry. I needed to get away from people. I needed to be alone.
The Dr. finally came back and confirmed that my uterus was empty. I already knew. We were discharged and on our way home. I sent a text to my friends and family. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone near me. The text said "We lost the baby. Please understand that I need time with my husband right now and won't be available this weekend." Tumbling, Crashing,
I don't remember a lot about the days after that. I remember the flowers being delivered to my house, I remember the phone ringing but me not answering, I remember collapsing on my kitchen floor and not ever wanting to get up. I remember lying in bed with my husband and crying out asking "why"?
A year later, I find myself still asking why and while I was at church today I realized that it is time to stop asking. I need to let it go. Although I will probably never know the reason for my precious baby being sent to heaven far too early, I know that there is a reason. That wound in my heart will never completely heal, but I need to stop asking why.
My precious baby, mommy and daddy miss you so much. I think of you every day and wish that I could have seen your smiling face, watched you learn to roll over, clap your hands, crawl, and all of the other things that I have missed out on this last year. I cherish the small amount of time that you were here on earth with us, but I know you are in heaven with my precious Lord looking over me and your daddy. One day we will be able to see you face to face and hold you in our arms, but until then, know that you were loved long before you were placed in my belly and will be loved to the end of eternity.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy
I got dressed and went to work freaking out the whole way. I settle in to work and try to get my mind off of everything. As soon as my dr. office opens, I call the triage nurse. Right before that the cramps started kicking in. They were HORRIBLE. They were worse than I have ever experienced before. They took my breath away. The triage nurse told me to get to the hospital as soon as I could. I called Pace, but where he was working, he didn't have reception. I tried to get a hold of him for about a half hour bawling the whole time. Crying because I was scared, crying because I was in pain and crying because I felt like my world was crashing around me.
I finally got a hold of Pace, he told me to go home and he would pick me up and take me to the ER. By the time I got home I was bleeding very heavy. I knew.
When we arrived at the hospital, the ER nurse that was checking me in was about 8 months pregnant. Ouch.
They take a bunch of blood, and finally call me back for an ultrasound. By this time I am bleeding everywhere. The tech starts her scan and I just lie there and cry. I knew.
After the ultrasound I am taken back to a bed in the ER and was told the dr. would be back to see me shortly. We waited for 45 minutes and I knew.
I just wanted to leave. I needed to get out of that damn hospital. I needed to curl up in bed in my husbands arms and cry. I needed to get away from people. I needed to be alone.
The Dr. finally came back and confirmed that my uterus was empty. I already knew. We were discharged and on our way home. I sent a text to my friends and family. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone near me. The text said "We lost the baby. Please understand that I need time with my husband right now and won't be available this weekend." Tumbling, Crashing,
I don't remember a lot about the days after that. I remember the flowers being delivered to my house, I remember the phone ringing but me not answering, I remember collapsing on my kitchen floor and not ever wanting to get up. I remember lying in bed with my husband and crying out asking "why"?
A year later, I find myself still asking why and while I was at church today I realized that it is time to stop asking. I need to let it go. Although I will probably never know the reason for my precious baby being sent to heaven far too early, I know that there is a reason. That wound in my heart will never completely heal, but I need to stop asking why.
My precious baby, mommy and daddy miss you so much. I think of you every day and wish that I could have seen your smiling face, watched you learn to roll over, clap your hands, crawl, and all of the other things that I have missed out on this last year. I cherish the small amount of time that you were here on earth with us, but I know you are in heaven with my precious Lord looking over me and your daddy. One day we will be able to see you face to face and hold you in our arms, but until then, know that you were loved long before you were placed in my belly and will be loved to the end of eternity.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A lot can happen in a year (part 2)
A year ago today I was probably happier than I have ever been. We had told pretty much everyone. All of our friends knew, my co-workers knew, some of Pace's co-workers knew. Not that I look back on that I think "How frickin stupid can you be? Why in the hell would you do that to yourself?" Of course...I had no idea what the next couple of days were going to bring.
Lots of my friends had called me immediately after taking an HPT to tell me that they were pg, and their pregnancies turned out just fine. They have wonderful little toddlers right now. However...it didn't work out that way for me.
It was a year ago today that I first started spotting. It was very faint, very brown, but it was there. I was told by my dr. and my sisters (both of which were pregnant at the time) that brown spotting was very normal and not to worry.
How could I not worry? I have been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years, this is my first EVER BFP, and you want me to not worry about spotting? Well...I am worried and until I am examined by a dr. and told that everything is fine...I will continue to worry.
I cried in Pace's arms, so worried that we were going to lose this baby. We have been devastated so many times over the last three and a half years, but nothing compared to the devastation that was yet to come.
Why did we tell so many people?
Lots of my friends had called me immediately after taking an HPT to tell me that they were pg, and their pregnancies turned out just fine. They have wonderful little toddlers right now. However...it didn't work out that way for me.
It was a year ago today that I first started spotting. It was very faint, very brown, but it was there. I was told by my dr. and my sisters (both of which were pregnant at the time) that brown spotting was very normal and not to worry.
How could I not worry? I have been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years, this is my first EVER BFP, and you want me to not worry about spotting? Well...I am worried and until I am examined by a dr. and told that everything is fine...I will continue to worry.
I cried in Pace's arms, so worried that we were going to lose this baby. We have been devastated so many times over the last three and a half years, but nothing compared to the devastation that was yet to come.
Why did we tell so many people?
Sunday, August 09, 2009
A lot can happen in a year
So, a year ago this very night, I was the happiest woman on the earth, lying in bed next to my husband with his hand expectantly resting on my belly. We were on top of the world. We saw our very first BFP!
For once in a very long time, all was right with the world. Our dreams were coming true and I felt such an inner peace and calm. It was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I felt whole, I felt complete, I was happy.
One year ago today we were getting ready to go to a friends going away party. We had done a Clo.mid cycle, but I refused to test and was just waiting for AF to show. (This is the one and only time I have ever NOT tested 10 times during the 2ww) I knew I would want to have a few drinks at the party, so I decided I would go ahead and test just in case. I had a digital test (which I hate cause when they are negative, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach) so I took it and within seconds the most amazing work popped up on the screen "pregnant". I couldn't believe it! Could this really be? I yelled for Pace and when he entered the bedroom, I showed him the test. He looked at me and said "Are you kidding?" I was crying, he picked me up in his arms and we cried and we laughed and we cried some more.
After a few minutes I ran to the phone and called my mom. My two sisters were both pregnant at the time, so I called my mom and asked her if she would mind having another pregnant woman at Christmas. It was the phone call I had always dreamed of. I was finally going to give my parents a grandchild. It was finally my turn. My mom screamed, we cried, we laughed and so the night went. We had originally told ourselves that if we got pregnant, we weren't going to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks along. Well...after almost 4 years of trying, we broke that agreement immediately. We called all of our family, told all of our friends, we practically shouted it from the rooftops.
We were on cloud nine. We were on top of the world. We were madly, deeply and completely in love with the little life that was growing inside me.
A lot can happen in a year
For once in a very long time, all was right with the world. Our dreams were coming true and I felt such an inner peace and calm. It was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I felt whole, I felt complete, I was happy.
One year ago today we were getting ready to go to a friends going away party. We had done a Clo.mid cycle, but I refused to test and was just waiting for AF to show. (This is the one and only time I have ever NOT tested 10 times during the 2ww) I knew I would want to have a few drinks at the party, so I decided I would go ahead and test just in case. I had a digital test (which I hate cause when they are negative, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach) so I took it and within seconds the most amazing work popped up on the screen "pregnant". I couldn't believe it! Could this really be? I yelled for Pace and when he entered the bedroom, I showed him the test. He looked at me and said "Are you kidding?" I was crying, he picked me up in his arms and we cried and we laughed and we cried some more.
After a few minutes I ran to the phone and called my mom. My two sisters were both pregnant at the time, so I called my mom and asked her if she would mind having another pregnant woman at Christmas. It was the phone call I had always dreamed of. I was finally going to give my parents a grandchild. It was finally my turn. My mom screamed, we cried, we laughed and so the night went. We had originally told ourselves that if we got pregnant, we weren't going to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks along. Well...after almost 4 years of trying, we broke that agreement immediately. We called all of our family, told all of our friends, we practically shouted it from the rooftops.
We were on cloud nine. We were on top of the world. We were madly, deeply and completely in love with the little life that was growing inside me.
A lot can happen in a year
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Untitled
What a week this has been. I will start off with the good news because, it is short and sweet and the rest of this blog will probably be negative Nelly, so it is good to start on a positive note.
My pathology report came back A-ok. I didn't really get information on what exactly it was or what caused it, or what the recurrence rate is all I needed to know yesterday is that it is benign. I will have additional information after my post-op appointment tomorrow, but I am just so grateful, it wasn't anything serious.
I have no idea where our TTC future is going to lead. I will consult with our RE tomorrow to see what his opinion is (I am already pretty sure I know what he is going to say, but I will ask anyway). I am all ready to jump into treatment again (providing that we can afford it). The last year has been a total waste of time infertility wise. Last August was my miscarriage (God I can't believe it's been a year) we have done one Clo.mid cycle since then which is when we found my little alien. That is 11 months of waiting...not really TTC, not doing anything out of the ordinary to try and get pregnant. I am tired of waiting.
Pace on the other hand isn't. He is not ready to move forward, he isn't sure that he wants to do treatments anymore. Throughout the last four and a half years we have pretty much been on at least close to the same page. Now we are in completely different books.
At one point I was ready to give up on treatments and just move forward with adoption. I needed results, I want to be a mommy and obviously that wasn't happening for us physically. However the financial aspect of adoption and all of the political red tape really scared me off. We just don't have that kind of money. We don't have money for IVF either, so if the RE tells us that is where we need to be...we will decline. We will move on and it will be over. On the flip side if he thinks we could try again with a few IUI's - I am all for that!
I am just so damn frustrated. I want to be sympathetic with Pace's feelings and decisions and I am grateful that he felt he could be honest with me about his feelings, but at the same time I am frustrated that once again this is being put on hold. After the miscarriage we were on hold while my body healed, then I had surgery in January, I was told to wait 3 months before doing Clo.mid again - on hold. Did one cycle of Clo.mid and then on hold again while we tried to figure out what the alien creature was doing. On hold while my body heals after surgery and now on hold because we aren't on the same page.
Since January I have had six pregnancy announcements (3 within the last 2 weeks alone) and I am just so exhausted. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate the entire situation, I hate the feelings, I hate how people feel they have to tip-toe around us, I hate the treatment, I hate what this is doing to my marriage, I hate what this is doing to me.
My pathology report came back A-ok. I didn't really get information on what exactly it was or what caused it, or what the recurrence rate is all I needed to know yesterday is that it is benign. I will have additional information after my post-op appointment tomorrow, but I am just so grateful, it wasn't anything serious.
I have no idea where our TTC future is going to lead. I will consult with our RE tomorrow to see what his opinion is (I am already pretty sure I know what he is going to say, but I will ask anyway). I am all ready to jump into treatment again (providing that we can afford it). The last year has been a total waste of time infertility wise. Last August was my miscarriage (God I can't believe it's been a year) we have done one Clo.mid cycle since then which is when we found my little alien. That is 11 months of waiting...not really TTC, not doing anything out of the ordinary to try and get pregnant. I am tired of waiting.
Pace on the other hand isn't. He is not ready to move forward, he isn't sure that he wants to do treatments anymore. Throughout the last four and a half years we have pretty much been on at least close to the same page. Now we are in completely different books.
At one point I was ready to give up on treatments and just move forward with adoption. I needed results, I want to be a mommy and obviously that wasn't happening for us physically. However the financial aspect of adoption and all of the political red tape really scared me off. We just don't have that kind of money. We don't have money for IVF either, so if the RE tells us that is where we need to be...we will decline. We will move on and it will be over. On the flip side if he thinks we could try again with a few IUI's - I am all for that!
I am just so damn frustrated. I want to be sympathetic with Pace's feelings and decisions and I am grateful that he felt he could be honest with me about his feelings, but at the same time I am frustrated that once again this is being put on hold. After the miscarriage we were on hold while my body healed, then I had surgery in January, I was told to wait 3 months before doing Clo.mid again - on hold. Did one cycle of Clo.mid and then on hold again while we tried to figure out what the alien creature was doing. On hold while my body heals after surgery and now on hold because we aren't on the same page.
Since January I have had six pregnancy announcements (3 within the last 2 weeks alone) and I am just so exhausted. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate the entire situation, I hate the feelings, I hate how people feel they have to tip-toe around us, I hate the treatment, I hate what this is doing to my marriage, I hate what this is doing to me.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Second surgery of the year...done
What a day yesterday! It started with Pace waking up at 4:30 to make me breakfast since I couldn't eat or drink anything after 5:30 am - what a guy! After that we both got ready for work and headed in for our half days. Then we headed for the surgery center. When we first walked in I was NOT impressed. It was a very small, VERY crowded waiting room and the staff didn't seem very professional. I felt so bad having to leave Pace out in that tiny room during my surgery. After just a few minutes the nurse called me back. They were WONDERFUL! I felt like I was surrounded by a bunch of moms. They were all very nurturing, understanding and just fantastic.
The anestesiologist (I have no idea how to spell that and apparently spell check doesn't either) was hysterical! All of that combined really put me at ease. they had a really hard time getting my IV in again but they finally got it on the third stick (two on the right arm and then finally one on the left). I was able to walk into the OR myself which was different than my last lap. It was neat being able to hear the witty banter of the nurses, doctors and such. I finally got my cocktail and was knocked out immediately.
The surgery went very well. They were able to remove the entire mass with minimal trauma to the ovary. They also checked my tubes and looked for more endo, but all was clear! That is great news. I should have the pathology results next week, and my post-op appt. with the RE is next Wednesday, so we should know more after that.
So far I have felt really good. Of course I am sore, but I remember being MUCH more uncomfortable with the last lap, and I have two extra incisions this time. Personally I think my RE was just more gentle and knew what he was doing more than the GYN that did my lap. I was MISERABLE last time. I took one pain pill last night before bed because I was scared I would wake up in a lot of pain, but I still feel pretty good.
Pace had to work today, so my sweet friend "T" took the day off to come hang out with me. It will be so nice to spend the day with her. She is wonderful!
I was witness to another pregnancy announcement yesterday. At work. In front of everyone, my boss shared that his daughter (who is my age) is expecting. They just got married last December, weren't trying, don't have jobs etc. It was VERY uncomfortable for me and I just had to fight back my tears. I was already kind of nervous about my surgery, and then for that to be thrown in the mix was just really hard.
I am trying to stay faithful Lord, but after four and a half years, one miscarriage, two surgeries I am getting tired. Pace and I are no longer on the same page as far as future TTC and I feel defeated. Please show me the way and I will follow. I'm just exhausted.
Thank you all for your love, kind words and support. It literally brings tears to my eyes and humbleness to my heart to know that all of you are here with me, supporting me and encouraging me. You all are wonderful and I have no idea where I would be without you. MUAH!
The anestesiologist (I have no idea how to spell that and apparently spell check doesn't either) was hysterical! All of that combined really put me at ease. they had a really hard time getting my IV in again but they finally got it on the third stick (two on the right arm and then finally one on the left). I was able to walk into the OR myself which was different than my last lap. It was neat being able to hear the witty banter of the nurses, doctors and such. I finally got my cocktail and was knocked out immediately.
The surgery went very well. They were able to remove the entire mass with minimal trauma to the ovary. They also checked my tubes and looked for more endo, but all was clear! That is great news. I should have the pathology results next week, and my post-op appt. with the RE is next Wednesday, so we should know more after that.
So far I have felt really good. Of course I am sore, but I remember being MUCH more uncomfortable with the last lap, and I have two extra incisions this time. Personally I think my RE was just more gentle and knew what he was doing more than the GYN that did my lap. I was MISERABLE last time. I took one pain pill last night before bed because I was scared I would wake up in a lot of pain, but I still feel pretty good.
Pace had to work today, so my sweet friend "T" took the day off to come hang out with me. It will be so nice to spend the day with her. She is wonderful!
I was witness to another pregnancy announcement yesterday. At work. In front of everyone, my boss shared that his daughter (who is my age) is expecting. They just got married last December, weren't trying, don't have jobs etc. It was VERY uncomfortable for me and I just had to fight back my tears. I was already kind of nervous about my surgery, and then for that to be thrown in the mix was just really hard.
I am trying to stay faithful Lord, but after four and a half years, one miscarriage, two surgeries I am getting tired. Pace and I are no longer on the same page as far as future TTC and I feel defeated. Please show me the way and I will follow. I'm just exhausted.
Thank you all for your love, kind words and support. It literally brings tears to my eyes and humbleness to my heart to know that all of you are here with me, supporting me and encouraging me. You all are wonderful and I have no idea where I would be without you. MUAH!
Monday, July 27, 2009
2 days to go
Well ladies and gentlemen, two days until my surgery. The nerves are starting to set in a little bit. I try to keep them at bay by telling myself that I have done this before and I can do it again. The pain will go away, the wound will heal and the world will keep spinning. What freaks me out the most is that I don't know what this thing is, how it is attached to my ovary and what this "thing" could mean for our TTC future. I am trying to just stay calm and remind myself that God will get me through this and that I am not going through this alone.
Pace, me and my friend "T" headed up North this weekend to enjoy the beautiful cool mountain weather. I had such a blast and definitely decided that our next camping trip would definitely be two nights instead of just one. It was so great to just get away with my friend and my husband and relax.
Nothing really else going on, just waiting to get the surgery over with and go from there. I hope that the surgery goes smoothly, that they don't have to remove any of my ovary, and that I heal quickly!
Thank you all for your kind words, prayers and encouragement. August is going to be a rough month for me and it would be so much more difficult without each of you!
Pace, me and my friend "T" headed up North this weekend to enjoy the beautiful cool mountain weather. I had such a blast and definitely decided that our next camping trip would definitely be two nights instead of just one. It was so great to just get away with my friend and my husband and relax.
Nothing really else going on, just waiting to get the surgery over with and go from there. I hope that the surgery goes smoothly, that they don't have to remove any of my ovary, and that I heal quickly!
Thank you all for your kind words, prayers and encouragement. August is going to be a rough month for me and it would be so much more difficult without each of you!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Coming up for air
I finally have a minute to blog and update you all. Not really a whole lot going on right now fertility wise - just trying to wait until my surgery. I just want it to be over with. I want to know what the heck this thing is inside of me attaching itself to my ovary.
I have been crampy the last couple of days and was hoping that AF was on her way, but no cigar. I have been having some sharp pains in my left ovary today and I hope that is not related to the "ovarian mass". I just want it gone and I want the pathology report back ASAP. It is going to be so hard to wait until August 5th to get the results back.
I have been swamped at work this week which has made the days fly by which is a good thing. I haven't had time to write on my blog, but I have been reading all of yours out there. Jess - I really hate that I can't comment on your blog, but I am so proud of you for passing your first exam!
I had another pregnancy announcement on Sunday. I was a little upset because she is a very close friend of mine, knows all about our IF, but she and DH still told us about their pregnancy in the middle of a BBQ with about 20 of our other friends. We were the last people they told (which is why they told us at the BBQ because they didn't want us to hear it from anyone else at the BBQ) It sucked because we were the last ones to know and I thought (or I guess I hoped) that they would be comfortable enough to tell us before the felt that they had to in order to prevent us from finding out from someone else.
I feel pretty defeated with another pregnancy, another impending baby shower, surgery coming up, financial constraints preventing us from fertility treatments and adoption right now and some other stuff going on that I can't share on the Internet. Just kind of stressed and defeated and just waiting for this surgery to be over so I can try to regain some hope again.
I have been crampy the last couple of days and was hoping that AF was on her way, but no cigar. I have been having some sharp pains in my left ovary today and I hope that is not related to the "ovarian mass". I just want it gone and I want the pathology report back ASAP. It is going to be so hard to wait until August 5th to get the results back.
I have been swamped at work this week which has made the days fly by which is a good thing. I haven't had time to write on my blog, but I have been reading all of yours out there. Jess - I really hate that I can't comment on your blog, but I am so proud of you for passing your first exam!
I had another pregnancy announcement on Sunday. I was a little upset because she is a very close friend of mine, knows all about our IF, but she and DH still told us about their pregnancy in the middle of a BBQ with about 20 of our other friends. We were the last people they told (which is why they told us at the BBQ because they didn't want us to hear it from anyone else at the BBQ) It sucked because we were the last ones to know and I thought (or I guess I hoped) that they would be comfortable enough to tell us before the felt that they had to in order to prevent us from finding out from someone else.
I feel pretty defeated with another pregnancy, another impending baby shower, surgery coming up, financial constraints preventing us from fertility treatments and adoption right now and some other stuff going on that I can't share on the Internet. Just kind of stressed and defeated and just waiting for this surgery to be over so I can try to regain some hope again.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wow - what a weekend! *updated with pics!*
So my big party was Saturday and let me tell you...we had SO much fun! Yes it was hot, but it was fun anyway. We got up early on Saturday and my friend "T" came over to help get everything together, we decorated, went shopping and started on the infamous fruit bouqets. They didn't quite turn out the way I expected, but they were a hit anyway. We laughed, listened to music and totally worked our butts off getting everything ready.
Pace bought me this AWESOME digital camera for my birthday, I also got a super cute purse and wallet (which I have wanted for a long time, but I am too cheap to buy it for myself), I got some new Bett.y Bo.op pj's, some gift cards, and this super duper cool laundry sorter.
The story behind the laundry sorter: Pace is a very clean guy, he likes things tidy, in their place. I am more of a "live.in.your.house.the.way.you.want.during.the.week.and.then.clean.it.up.on.the.weekend" kind of girl (which has the tendency to drive Pace crazy.) So the laundry sorter is really more practical for him, but is going to be a HUGE saving for me too! It will help me keep the laundry neat and tidy which will appease my husband which will make me a very happy camper!
Sunday morning we got up and went to my favorite breakfast place (which stunk because the service was THE WORST and the food was less than spectacular). When we got home from breakfast, it was Work, Work, Work. My friend "K" did a HUGE amount of cleaning up during the party which totally saved my life, however there was plenty for us to do on Sunday as well. I am still cleaning up sticky mango juice from my floor. LOL
The weekend was great - there are some people out there that I wish could have been there, but circumstances, distance or some other cosmic event prevented that and it is ok, because I was thinking of you!
Pace and two of his friends worked diligently in the backyard to get everything set up outside. Poor guys it was so hot!
We had a daiquiri machine running and T and I created our very own Pineapple-Coconut-Mango daiquiri mix. I was kind of nervous because I had never made anything like that and I wasn't sure what I was going to taste like, however it was GREAT! It was a huge hit and we ended up having to go back to the store for more later in the night.
People started arriving around 3:30, my friend "B" brought the coolest beach themed birthday cake Because it was so hot, most people ate first and then jumped right in the pool. We had a volleyball net set up, so everyone was playing volleyball. I think at one point we had 15 people in the pool! LOL After it cooled down a bit, we started playing horseshoes and if people needed to cool down further, they went inside for a cold drink and some pinball. I think overall everyone had a great time! I think we were in bed by around midnight (yes, I think that means I am getting old) but we were pooped!
Pace bought me this AWESOME digital camera for my birthday, I also got a super cute purse and wallet (which I have wanted for a long time, but I am too cheap to buy it for myself), I got some new Bett.y Bo.op pj's, some gift cards, and this super duper cool laundry sorter.
The story behind the laundry sorter: Pace is a very clean guy, he likes things tidy, in their place. I am more of a "live.in.your.house.the.way.you.want.during.the.week.and.then.clean.it.up.on.the.weekend" kind of girl (which has the tendency to drive Pace crazy.) So the laundry sorter is really more practical for him, but is going to be a HUGE saving for me too! It will help me keep the laundry neat and tidy which will appease my husband which will make me a very happy camper!
Sunday morning we got up and went to my favorite breakfast place (which stunk because the service was THE WORST and the food was less than spectacular). When we got home from breakfast, it was Work, Work, Work. My friend "K" did a HUGE amount of cleaning up during the party which totally saved my life, however there was plenty for us to do on Sunday as well. I am still cleaning up sticky mango juice from my floor. LOL
The weekend was great - there are some people out there that I wish could have been there, but circumstances, distance or some other cosmic event prevented that and it is ok, because I was thinking of you!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Here we go again
I had my follow up with Dr. Awesome yesterday. I just LOVE that place. I was in the office, had my u/s, did my follow up with the dr., then with the nurse, checked out all in 24 minutes! If I had been at my Ob/Gyn's office I would have still been sitting in the waiting room!
Anywho... my A.M.H tests came back at a 4 which the nurse seemed to be happy with. After doing a little bit of googling, I am not sure what to think, on most of the sites I found that is outside the normal range, actually on the high side. However, Dr. Awesome seemed very optimistic.
My little alien creature has grown. It is now almost 2cm (was 1.1 cm 3 weeks ago) so it has to come out. They still have no idea what it is, but it is definitely a solid mass. He said that it is not considered a cyst at this point, but a mass instead. (Cyst sounds less scary to me) I have surgery scheduled for July 29th, they will go in laparascopically (I have no idea if that is spelled right) and remove the mass and then send it to pathology to figure out what the heck it is. Until then...we are on a break.
I am freaking out a little about how the frick we are going to pay for all of this, we haven't gotten the bill for the A.M.H test yet, so I am terrified to see what that will come back as and we are still paying off our portion of our miscarriage and my surgery in January. Just adding another bill to the mix. Grrrrr
After my party this weekend we are really going to tighten up our belts and start saving our money for adoption and paying off our current bills.
Have any of you had the A.M.H test? If so, I would love to know how much it was and also your opinion on my level.
I will not be posting over the weekend, but will catch up with you all on Monday!
Anywho... my A.M.H tests came back at a 4 which the nurse seemed to be happy with. After doing a little bit of googling, I am not sure what to think, on most of the sites I found that is outside the normal range, actually on the high side. However, Dr. Awesome seemed very optimistic.
My little alien creature has grown. It is now almost 2cm (was 1.1 cm 3 weeks ago) so it has to come out. They still have no idea what it is, but it is definitely a solid mass. He said that it is not considered a cyst at this point, but a mass instead. (Cyst sounds less scary to me) I have surgery scheduled for July 29th, they will go in laparascopically (I have no idea if that is spelled right) and remove the mass and then send it to pathology to figure out what the heck it is. Until then...we are on a break.
I am freaking out a little about how the frick we are going to pay for all of this, we haven't gotten the bill for the A.M.H test yet, so I am terrified to see what that will come back as and we are still paying off our portion of our miscarriage and my surgery in January. Just adding another bill to the mix. Grrrrr
After my party this weekend we are really going to tighten up our belts and start saving our money for adoption and paying off our current bills.
Have any of you had the A.M.H test? If so, I would love to know how much it was and also your opinion on my level.
I will not be posting over the weekend, but will catch up with you all on Monday!
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Whew...need to get caught up!
I haven't written a lot lately because it has just been crazy around our home. Wednesday was my birthday (which I previously posted about) Thursday was back to work as usual. Pace and I both had Friday off so we got up, did some chores and then invited some friends and family over to swim and hang out. That is when the weekend got really interesting.
I had just gotten out of the pool and was visiting with my MIL when I heard someone at the door. One of my friends went inside to answer it, so I just stayed outside and visited. I heard someone coming out through the back door and turned to see who it was and to my surprise, it was my dear friends Jared and Tiffany from Hawaii! Jared is stationed in Hawaii right now with the Army and they TOTALLY surprised me with a visit. It was so amazing. I was shaking and crying, this was just by far the most amazing birthday EVER!
So the rest of the weekend consisted of finishing our fire pit seating, installing the horseshoe pits, mowing the yard, finishing our tiki bar (I'll explain later) swimming, hosting bbq's, attending bbq's and just having a darn nice time with friends. It really was just a super weekend.
This Saturday we are having a Luau themed birthday party for me. I am so excited, the party really has turned into more of a Luau than a "birthday party" which is fine by me. Pace and I have really put a lot of work into this party and we will be so happy when we are finally able to enjoy the party with our friends!
For the party, we used palm trimmings to form our very own tiki cover which will cover the tiki bar. We have a margarita machine (which I will make my favorite mango Daiquiris in) tons of decorations, horseshoe pits, ping pong, badminton, swimming, Wii, pinball...NO ONE should be bored, and if they are...it's their own fault!
We are just going to do sub sandwiches, chips and dip and cool decorative fruit bowls. (Well, I think they are going to be cool, they look really cool in my head...we will see how they turn out) LOL I know, I know...we should be roasting a pig or something but it is projected to be 114 here on Saturday and I want Pace to be able to enjoy the party instead of worrying about cooking and such. So I am very excited for the party!!! I will post pictures of it next week!
On the infertility front...I have really put it out of my mind (as much as possible) for now. I have preoccupied myself with the party and am totally ok with that. I have my follow up appt. with the RE today, I had actually forgotten about it until yesterday (that is such an awesome feeling!). So today I will find out what that pesky cyst is doing and also find out what my ovarian reserve level is at. Kind of scary, but it will be nice to have some answers.
Love to you all - I hope you all had a fantastic fourth of July and hopefully I can upload some pics very soon!
I had just gotten out of the pool and was visiting with my MIL when I heard someone at the door. One of my friends went inside to answer it, so I just stayed outside and visited. I heard someone coming out through the back door and turned to see who it was and to my surprise, it was my dear friends Jared and Tiffany from Hawaii! Jared is stationed in Hawaii right now with the Army and they TOTALLY surprised me with a visit. It was so amazing. I was shaking and crying, this was just by far the most amazing birthday EVER!
So the rest of the weekend consisted of finishing our fire pit seating, installing the horseshoe pits, mowing the yard, finishing our tiki bar (I'll explain later) swimming, hosting bbq's, attending bbq's and just having a darn nice time with friends. It really was just a super weekend.
This Saturday we are having a Luau themed birthday party for me. I am so excited, the party really has turned into more of a Luau than a "birthday party" which is fine by me. Pace and I have really put a lot of work into this party and we will be so happy when we are finally able to enjoy the party with our friends!
For the party, we used palm trimmings to form our very own tiki cover which will cover the tiki bar. We have a margarita machine (which I will make my favorite mango Daiquiris in) tons of decorations, horseshoe pits, ping pong, badminton, swimming, Wii, pinball...NO ONE should be bored, and if they are...it's their own fault!
We are just going to do sub sandwiches, chips and dip and cool decorative fruit bowls. (Well, I think they are going to be cool, they look really cool in my head...we will see how they turn out) LOL I know, I know...we should be roasting a pig or something but it is projected to be 114 here on Saturday and I want Pace to be able to enjoy the party instead of worrying about cooking and such. So I am very excited for the party!!! I will post pictures of it next week!
On the infertility front...I have really put it out of my mind (as much as possible) for now. I have preoccupied myself with the party and am totally ok with that. I have my follow up appt. with the RE today, I had actually forgotten about it until yesterday (that is such an awesome feeling!). So today I will find out what that pesky cyst is doing and also find out what my ovarian reserve level is at. Kind of scary, but it will be nice to have some answers.
Love to you all - I hope you all had a fantastic fourth of July and hopefully I can upload some pics very soon!
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