2009 In Review

January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.

February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.

March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.

April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.

May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.

June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.

July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!

August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.

September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.

October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.

November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.

December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!

*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.

2009... you will NOT be missed!**UPDATED**

What a very Merry Christmas! I haven't really had time to blog recently, so I apologize for my absence. I had a wonderful Christmas with Pace, E and my MIL. Pace and I went to church on Wednesday night (thought there would be less of a crowd, and less babies)...it was AWESOME! One of the most moving and memorable Christmas services I have ever attended. It was so good Pace went again on Christmas eve with his mom.

My MIL and E spent the night with us Christmas eve, we set out cookies and egg nog for Santa, and read all about the birth of Jesus before bed. It was great knowing that E is now old enough to know the real reason for the season! Friday morning we woke up and watched E tear through all of the goodies that Santa left her. Then we made the traditional family breakfast and exchanged gifts. It really was a wonderful day with great friends, family and awesome food!

I have a little bit of news to share and I am VERY cautiously optimistic...

I work with this woman who has a grandson that is my age. His gf is currently pregnant with #2 and they are considering adoption. The economy has really taken a toll on them and they are finding it difficult to make ends meet. How selfless to consider this option, I really just can't get over how much I admire a birthparent's sacrific of giving their child a better chance. My co-worker mailed her grandson a letter telling him all about Pace and I and included our Christmas letter we sent out which does indicate that we are looking to adopt in 2010. My co-worker called me on Christmas Eve to tell me that she had sent them the letter and would call as soon as she heard something from them...she called this morning. She said she didn't want to discuss anything while I was at work and to call her when I was on my way home. Eeeeek

I called my sisters and my mom on Christmas Eve and asked for them to be praying for this couple. Even if they decide not to allow us to adopt their baby, they need prayers. They are struggling right now and facing difficult times. So to all of you that are of the praying type. I ask that you pray for them as well. Pray that the Lord may lead them in the right direction, that He may carry their struggles and their burdens and that they may know Him!

Pace and I are off to the sand dunes again this year for New Years. I am super excited. My co-worker (same one listed above) let us borrow their tent trailer, so it will be nice to have our own place to stay. We won't have to share, it will just be our little home. It's going to be awesome to have some alone time with Pace. Please pray for a SAFE TRIP!!!

I will try to get on and update as soon as I talk to my co-worker. What a wonderful way to start out 2010 THAT would be!!!!

**UPDATE** My co-worker spoke to her grandson and they already went through an adoption agency and have matched with a couple. She is due in a month or so and the adoptive couple they chose have been really great to them. I am really happy for the adoptive couple that will have their dreams come true very soon! Although this situation didn't work out, it did at least instill a little bit of hope again in my heart - a feeling I haven't had for a while. Thank you for all of the well-wishes.

Emily - Know that I am ALWAYS praying for you guys! I love you!

Christmas is A' comin

Christmas is up on us and it has not been without any drama! The last couple of weeks have been the most stressful -not TTC related- weeks that I have had in a long time.

I was all geared up for Christmas when it was Thanksgiving, but as the stress increased and the time till Christmas decreased, I found myself more of a scrooge than an elf. In an attempt to counteract that...I have prepared myself for the Great 2009 Bake-Off. Every year Pace and I spend a day in the kitchen baking up a whirlwind of cookies and treats, packing them up and delivering them to friends and family. Tomorrow shall be that day for me.

This year we get to provide "Santa" for Pace's little sister, E. Santa is going to bring her a bike with training wheels this year and probably a baby doll as well. I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees what Santa has brought her.

I am feeling very homesick this Christmas. We get together with my family every other year for Christmas and this year happens to be the "off" year. This is the year to spend with the in-laws. Pace and I will be hosting dinner for my MIL and our friends K (the one that I wrote about here) and her husband.

I really miss my family though. With everything going on, I would just love to be at home in the safety of the rustic old farmhouse I grew up in and just relax. I would love to go out and wander the fields that I grew up in for hours without every crossing the same path twice. It is so quiet there, so little drama, such an easier way of life....

I'll be home for Christmas...if only in my dreams!!!

Merry Freakin Christmas

So - would you all like to know what I got for Christmas from my company?

A 20% pay cut effective next week and a 2 week furlough in which they want me to drive 25 miles one way to work and back everyday for half the pay...nice...

I would have preferred a turkey or ham...

Ladies...you never fail me

Anytime I need to be lifted up...you all are there and I can't tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of your comments!

I took a little time for myself last night and that really helped. My dear friend "K" is probably one of the funniest people I know. We have only been friends for a little less than a year, but we feel like we have known each other for years. The best part about her, she makes me laugh. No matter how crappy I may be feeling, she always makes me laugh. She lifts me up and shows me that the least I can do for myself is enjoy a good laugh when life is pooping on me.

So last night we went to a paddle auction for Prin.cess House. It was a lot of fun. K and I were the youngest there, but we both won some stuff and laughed until we cried. One thing you have to know about K is that she and her husband have no children. They have not tried to have kids and don't plan on trying in the near future. She has had some issues and isn't even sure if she will be able to have kids a this point. So they have one dog and two horses that are their "children".

So, at the auction the funniest/most awkward/most exhilarating moment came when they started handing out random tickets. So the lady would say, if you are wearing red...you get 2 tickets, if you have a dog...you get 3 tickets and so on. Then...the inevitable came: If you have sons...give yourself one ticket for each - this is where it got interesting - here is how the dialogue went

Lady: If you have sons, give yourself 1 ticket for each
K: What about male pets?
Lady: Sorry, no pets...we will do pets later
K: Well what about those of us that can't have kids
Lady: *silence*
K: My pets are my children, I think they should count
Lady: sorry, we will do pets later

Lady: Ok, I love my son, but daughters are sweeter, so give yourself 3 tickets for each daughter you have (all the fertiles in the room squeal with delight and are overjoyed at their overabundance of children)
K: Do you have tickets for infertiles?
Lady: *silence* awkward look in our direction
K: What about those who can't have children?
Lady: *silence* even more awkward looks
(meanwhile I am almost peeing my pants because K is totally making this woman and other women in the room totally uncomfortable and I am LOVING THIS!)
K: I think those of us without children should get 10 tickets
Lady: *silence* Okay moving on...our next item.....

I almost had to be excused. I can't explain why I got such pleasure in the public exposure of my infertility, I guess it was very freeing to have someone just lay it out there instead of playing into the taboo of "we can't talk about it, it's uncomfortable" It helped me get through the uncomfortableness of not having kids, and I got a good laugh about it.

Then I get home and hopped on Face.book (of course to farm my Farm.ville farm because that is my reprieve) and I had a message from a woman I met at the infertility support group meeting and have kept in contact with her since. She sent me a message to let me know that she had some leftover meds and she wanted to donate them to me so if we decide to proceed with treatment next year, I will already have the meds. YAY!!!!! I love free meds!

I have had no bites on the job market, but I am going to really hit it hard this weekend and send out as many resumes as I can. There still has been no "official" announcement from the owners of my company, so I have no freaking clue what is really going on.

Lord, I know you have a plan for me, and I know you are testing me right now, not to make me stress, and worry but to teach me to have faith in you and to believe that you will take care of me because that is what you have promised. Lord, you are testing me in all of my weakest areas and I am trying so hard to "let go and let God" but it is very difficult for me. Please be patient with me and show me the way you want me to walk. I am lost Lord and I need your lighthouse to direct my way. Please allow me to see the lighthouse soon as I am tired Lord. So tired. Amen

A very low post

My blogger friends, I need to be lifted up today. I am struggling, I am stressed and I am hurting.

This time, only a small amount of that is related to IF. To break it all down in a very short but sweet way, I am losing my job. The company that I work for is going out of business. There is an 85% chance my company will not survive the next 3 months. I have worked for this company for 9 years. These people are my family, they are my friends. This job has meant financial security for us while Pace is building his career and that is all being stripped away from us.

Right when we were ready to jump back in the treatment or adoption wagon. So that is now put on hold which devastates me. I have always been a firm believer that you can't put stuff off because you never know what the future will bring. So now after an over 6 month break of TTC, we are ready to start trying again and now we have no money or financial security to do it.

I am sad, but really just kind of numb. I thought that winning the home study was a sign of what 2010 was going to bring. Now, I am not so sure. I am trying to not be all doom and gloom, I am looking for work, I am sending out my resume in hopes of finding something as good if not better. However, I am a realist and I know what the job market is here.

On top of all of that my mother in law has fallen on some very hard times right now and Pace is the only relation she has near her, so we are preparing ourselves for having to take some financial responsibility over her and her 4 year old daughter. (like them possibly having to move in with us) They have lived with us before and all I can say is it was very difficult.

All of these things have been very tough on our marriage, finances, TTC, family issues I just feel incredibly down right now. I try to be a good person, I try to be a good friend, daughter, wife and sister, so I don't understand why God continues to test me. Over and over and over again I feel like a crash test dummy that continues to be put in the car and slammed into a brick wall.

I just need a break. I want to run home to my mom and dad and have them tell me that everything is going to be ok. I want to stay with them for a while and just feel the comfort and security of being home.

Happy Thanksgiving friends

I haven't been around much lately ... I know. Honestly, I have kind of backed away from everything except for Farm.ville which I am horribly addicted to. Farm.ville is my safe zone. There are no pregnant ladies, no pregnant animals, etc. It is my safe zone.

I ventured out last night and started looking at some of my friends' pages on Face.book. Found out two more of my friends are pregnant, I have actually lost count at this point of how many pregnant people I know right now. Either they are pregnant or just recently had their baby.

My heart is heavy with all of the pregnancy announcements. Every time I log onto Blogger to catch up with all of you beautiful people, I see at least one. Which I am so happy and glad for you. Your successes used to bring me hope, but after 5 years...that hope is gone. Not sure it will ever return.

I have had a lot of internal struggles over the last couple of weeks and with the holidays coming up, a lot of in-law drama, so I have retreated. I have tried to stay in my safe zone.

Okay, so this post is turning out a little bleak which is not what I wanted, so I am going to leave you all with some things that I am not bitter about, in fact some things that I am very thankful for:

1. A loving, accepting and generous family
2. A husband that I consider my best friend. No one knows me like he does
3. Friends that bring so much joy and love to my life
4. My job. It may not be the "ideal" job, but I know that it is very fragile right now and could be taken away from me at any moment.
5. My fur babies. They make me feel special when I feel like a loser, they make me feel loved when I feel unlovable and they make me feel cared for when I feel no one cares.
6. My blogger and online support group friends. You all know the deep dark nasty side of me. The bitter, angry and pessimistic side of me that I try so hard to hide in real life. But for some reason, you still read my blogs, you still encourage me and you are still my friends.

Thank you!

Nichole

Thanksgiving Anticipation

Thank you all SO much for your support and love! The more I think about the baby shower, the more excited I get. I know that it is going to be tough at times, I know there will be some tears along the way, but all in all I want to do this for my friend. For one day I want to be the supportive friend instead of the broken infertile woman.

I am so excited that my friend Jess (some of you may follow her blog) is starting the adoption process! They have sent in their application for the agency and I plan on learning as much as I possibly can from her along the way. Given the "free home study" we have, we will be on that road again very soon.

I am gearing up for Thanksgiving, I am VERY excited that we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner for some of our friends. I love cooking big meals and we love entertaining. I am just on pins and needles - VERY excited!

The countdown for me has begun...we are officially OFF the "on a break" train in less than 2 months. I am going to try and really enjoy the next couple of months and hope and pray that we are both ready to dive back in come January 1.

Family Building Symposium

Wow - what a weekend! It was awesome! I will start with Saturday...

I went to the Family Building Symposium which was amazing. There weren't too many people there which was nice because the groups were smaller as a result. I got a lot of amazing information on adoption as well as some other treatment options. It definitely ruled out some treatments for me and I felt more comfortable with adoption at the end.

The most amazing part was the door prizes - they had two boxes in the front that you could put your raffle tickets into (each person got 1) you could choose the "Treatment" box or the "Adoption" box. There were 4 prizes for the treatment box, but only 1 for the adoption. I thought long and hard about which box I should put my ticket into and for some reason I chose the adoption. The odds were much worse in the adoption box, but for some reason I felt led to place my ticket in that box. Well ladies...guess what??? I WON!!!! Want to know the prize: A free adoption home study! That is a value of up to $1,600 and is also the first step in adopting. I was SO excited! It made me sad that Pace wasn't there to enjoy the moment with me, but I was so excited.

The symposium was a bit overwhelming and honestly at the end of the day I was exhausted and completely over-stimulated. I needed a break. So I went home cracked open a beer and invited my friends J&K over and we played Rock Ba.nd until WAY past my bedtime. We had so much fun and K&I were laughing so hard at one point we were both crying. It was a blast!

I got a phone call yesterday from a friend of my pregnant friend and she asked me if I wanted to help with a baby shower for my friend. At first my gut clenched tight and I started sweating a bit. Then she asked me if we could do it at my house and...I actually relaxed a little bit. If it is in my house then I have a little more control over the situation and I could step out (or away) when needed without feeling uncomfortable or out of place. So I guess I am now planning and hosting my very first baby shower. It will be in January, so I have a lot of time to prepare and get myself used to the idea.

I actually think it will be ok. Sure, some of it will probably be hard, but I will make it through. I need to start living and just dealing with the pain. I need to power through and become an active member of society again. I need a life. I want a life and I think if I can prove to myself that I am able to host a baby shower and survive...I will feel much better about myself and the entire situation as a whole.

What do you ladies think? Am I crazy???

The weekend is here

The weekend is here, the Family Building Symposium is tomorrow and I am exhausted. P's little sister stayed with us all week (her parents were out of town) and at first it was awesome. I absolutely LOVE her and really Love her being at our house. This week however got me a little bit.

I found myself feeling more and more sad as the week went on - I was expecting the opposite.

I found myself needing a break from her and needing time away - I was expecting the opposite.

I found myself ready to take her home - I was definitely expecting the opposite.

It dawned on me yesterday why I was feeling this way. You see, as wonderful as it is to have her around and to just love on her it was just as painful for me every time she said " I want my mommy", "I miss my mommy", "My mommy washes my hair like this", "My mommy does this, and that."

It was a CONSTANT reminder of what I am not, what I may never be and what I so desperately want to be.

We went to On The Bo.rder last night for dinner and as the three of us sat at the table, the older couple next to us started talking to E. They were gushing over how beautiful she was and how much she looked just like her "mommy and daddy" yadda yadda. (We get this all the time when we are in public with her because she really does look like us and well damn it...we SHOULD have a child about her age). The couple asked E if she was an only child (to which E nodded yes LOL) that is when P spoke up and said "actually, she is my little sister, not my daughter" the look on the couple's face was pure astonishment and the tears flooded to my eyes. I wanted to crawl under the table. They didn't say another word to us (or E).

P is off on his dunes trip, so I am a bachelorette for the weekend. I am very disappointed that he is not going to the symposium with me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I hate that we aren't on the same page right now, I hate what this stupid IF crap is doing to my life.

Why couldn't I just be one of those people that don't want kids?

The Year...2010

So as you all know, we are currently on a break. I guess that's why I haven't blogged much. There really isn't anything going on in the TTC department. It has been total torture for me some days. It has been a blessing on others.

January 2010 we will be back in the game and as it gets closer, I feel the need to start preparing myself. I am not sure if we will go back to treatments or move forward with adoption, but either option we choose, there is a lot of preparation that needs to be done. Here is a "short" list of my recent ponderings.

Treatment
Start saving money
Start taking pre-natal vitamins again
Get serious about losing more weight
Start saving money
Get serious about my no/low carb/sugar diet
Find a new RE
Start saving money

Adoption
Start saving money
Research adoption agencies/attorneys
Start finding pictures for profile
Start saving money
Make some decisions on what we are open to
Get documents together
Start saving money

Do you see a common denominator? I sure do. Money.

The problem (other than not having the money)...beginning to prepare means "no longer on break" do Pace. You see, he asked for us to take the rest of the year off. No research, no treatments, no research, no anything fertility or family building related. I agreed to take a break, but I have no idea how to get through the next couple of months of our "break" without starting to prepare.

There is a family building symposium coming up on November 7th that is put on by Res.olve. It is a full day of family building information. There will be information on adoption and information on treatment. There will be adoption and fertility specialists. There will be success stories, birth moms the whole nine yards. I am SO EXCITED for it! It is like the Bridal Fair of infertility!

However, I will be going alone. Pace doesn't mind me going, but he isn't prepared to dive into it again. Although I understand where he is coming from, it makes me sad that he doesn't see this as an opportunity the same way I do. This is an opportunity to get many of the "things to do before TTC in 2010" crossed off the list.

I feel like I am in a very tough situation. A battle of sorts. Trying to be supportive of our decision to take a break, but also taking advantage of these amazing opportunities as they come. I don't want to cross "the line" of TTC/Not TTC but it is a really fine line to walk.

So that is where we are, I just wanted to check in, update you and let you know that I am still reading all of your blogs even though I haven't been writing a whole lot lately.

Much love!

Stuck

I haven't been around much lately. I just feel stuck. Then I got sick and the fever kind of zapped my creative juices.

My friend had her baby on Friday. A beautiful, healthy baby girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.

My other friend sent me a text yesterday to let me know that they found out that their baby was a little girl. I am happy for her, but I feel...stuck.

I didn't go to any of my support group meetings this month. I feel stuck.

I have so much anger inside. Anger for a particular person that I know very well that has a beautiful little girl that she doesn't take care of. Well, she takes care of her, but doesn't really protect her (it's a long story) and I feel stuck.

I had a dream last night that Pace and I were getting ready to make love and then all of a sudden a picture flashed on the computer of one of my friends from college and she was about 8 months pregnant. I didn't even know she was pregnant, it totally ruined "the mood" and I broke down in tears...I feel stuck. (for the record, this was only a dream. As far as I know she is not pregnant)

I am sick with something similar to the swine flu (may be the swine flu, but they are only testing in extremely bad cases, so they are treating me for it). So I have literally been on the couch or in bed since Sunday. My only entertainment was a book that I finished yesterday morning and a magazine that Pace bought me last night, so I have turned to television. Ughhhh BAD IDEA! Have you every tried to watch daytime television? OMG! I would rather be at work. With the "Brin.ging Home Ba.by", "A Ba.by Story", "I Didn't Kn.ow", "Bi.rth Day", "Run.way Moms", "Del.iver Me", "Adop.tion Stories", you just can't catch a break and for me it is like a train wreck. I know I SHOULDN'T watch and I should change the channel...I just CAN'T and I feel stuck.

I want off this roller coaster. I just want to be a mom. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to hold my own child in my arms and feel complete.

It's Howl-a-ween time!

Pace and I put up our Halloween decorations this weekend and I was also approached by a friend at church to help out with the annual Hallopalooza for our church this year.

All of this got me thinking, and actually made me kind of sad. No doubt about it, Halloween is a holiday for kids, and this time of year starts a very active season of children and family related holidays.

I told Pace last night that since we don't have a little one to dress up for Halloween, I was going to dress up the dogs. He wasn't thrilled, but I am pretty sure he was amused.

Here are a few ideas:

This would be for my little sugar, she is a very hyper-active mut. Looks like she is mixed with a wiener dog and chihuahua.

This would be for my bigger dog, Lucky. He thinks he is the biggest, baddest guard dog on the planet. He is also a mut. Kind of looks like Rhodesian Ridgeback and sharpei (not sure if that is spelled right)

Here is a pic of my furbabies:

I love these guys. They are my savior some days. They truly show me the meaning of unconditional love.

Pregnancy Announcements

This year has been full of them. I am once again in the phase where it seems like almost everyone I know is pregnant. I actually have a "fall" and a "spring" phase for whatever reason, so here I am. I have given a lot of thought to pregnancy announcements over the last couple of weeks and would like to share some of them with you.

Pregnancy announcement #1: Via myspace. This was a person that I used to be related to via marriage and who knows about our struggles.

Pregnancy announcement #2: In private on our way to dinner with some girlfriends, my friend told me she was expecting.

Pregnancy announcement #3: At a party in front of all our friends, my friend tells me that she is pregnant. She and her husband know everything about our infertility and we considered them some of our closest, best friends

Pregnancy announcement #4: Via an email, my cousin announced her pregnancy to the family

Pregnancy announcement #5: Via the news. Haha - don't let your mind jump to conclusions. It is actually the weather lady on the news that I watch EVERY morning while getting ready for work. (ok, so I don't KNOW her and she certainly doesn't KNOW me, but it is a pregnancy that I am faced with every day) LOL

Pregnancy announcement #6: Via text message. A friend and sort of relative announced that she and her husband are expecting

All of these announcements have occurred between February '09 and today. All of them were announced in different ways and each made me feel like I was punched in the stomach.

I don't know what the best way of announcing a pregnancy to an infertile woman is, but I can tell you the one that destroyed me the most was the one that was announced in public at a party. That was by far the hardest announcement to go through. Especially when both of them knew how badly we want a child of our own. It was down right cruel.

Anyone care to share a pregnancy announcement? Good or Bad? Leave a comment I would love to hear of your experiences!

AWARDS!!!

Thank you Jess and "The Unproductive One" for nominating me for the

award! I have always imagined myself as a little "Over the Top" so why would my blog be any different!

Ok so I have to answer the below questions with only ONE word answer:-

1. Where is your cell phone?DESK

2. Your hair? STRAIGHT

3. Your mother? COURAGEOUS
4. Your father? STRONG

5. Your favorite food? SUSHI

6. Your dream last night? YAMS

7. Your favorite drink? COFFEE

8. Your dream/goal? SERENITY

9. What room are you in? OFFICE

10. Your hobby? BLOGGING
11. Your fear? CHILDLESSNESS
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? KINDERGARTEN

13. Where were you last night? HOME
14. Something that you aren’t? SERENE
15. Muffins? NO
16. Wish list item? CHILDREN

17. Where did you grow up? KANSAS

18. Last thing you did? READ
19. What are you wearing? SHORTS

20. Your TV? OFF

21. Your pets? DOGS

22. Friends? GREAT

23. Your life? BLECH

24. Your mood? DISCOURAGED

25. Missing someone? YES

26. Vehicle? TRUCK

27. Something you’re not wearing? SOCKS
28. Your favorite store? MARSHALLS

29. Your favorite colour? GREEN

30. When was the last time you laughed? YESTERDAY

31. Last time you cried? TODAY

32. Your best friend? UNDECIDED

33. One place that I go to over and over? WORK

34. One person who emails me regularly? DEBI

35. Favorite place to eat? OREGANOS

I'm passing this award onto: Anyone who is reading this because let's be honest...opening up about our infertility, sex life, bodies, health, relationships, grief, miscarriages, treatments etc. on the Internet makes us ALL a little "Over the Top"!

Painted Fingernails

The famous saying goes "it's the little things in life that count". Nothing could be more true for me right now. I went shopping last night and decided I needed to get some new fingernail polish. I didn't want to go with the traditional red or pink, however I couldn't go all the way to the black, green or midnight blue, so I settled with purple. A nice hue of lavender.

Let me recap. My mom's fingernails are like concrete blocks. They are almost in destructive. They grow beautifully, stay strong and require very little maintenance. My nails on the other hand are weak, brittle, flaky and a total mess most of the time. Even prenatal vitamins don't help. For me there is nothing that makes me feel more feminine (other than a new haircut) than nice, long, painted nails. I wore fake ones for a long time, but they just destroyed my real nails and end up looking like crap eventually anyway. So I have been sporting my short, stubby naked nails for the last couple of months.

Every time I looked down at my naked nails, I thought my hands looked fat and stubby, they didn't look feminine at all to me. I eventually just tried to stop looking at my nails because it made me feel frumpy, dumpy and bloated.

So last night I make it home with my new purple fingernail polish and decide to put in on. I started with one hand only so I could confirm that I liked the color and then a few minutes before I went to bed, I painted the other hand and did a second coat.

Then...I woke up this morning. As I was doing my hair and my make-up I caught the shiny purple color reflecting back in the mirror at me and I smiled. I looked down at my hands and my fingers looked longer and skinnier somehow, they looked feminine and I smiled. The purple hue made the diamonds in my wedding ring glisten as if it were brand new and I smiled.

I left for work this morning with a peace that the day was going to be ok, I was going to be ok and that this may actually be a good day. All because of my painted fingernails.

Sometimes, It really is the small things in life that count.

A shift

I had a pretty good weekend, nothing really major, hung out with some friends, helped my friends with their horses, played Rock.Band and of course watched football!

On Sunday Pace and I participated in a research study on the emotional and relational effects of infertility on individuals. This consisted of a woman coming to our house and interviewing each of us separately. The questions were pretty basic:

While you were going through treatment, do you think your emotional needs were met by your Dr/RE as well as your physical?
How has infertility affected your friendships/family relationships?
How has infertility changed you?
How has infertility changed your spouse?

It was actually very interesting and it was the most I had thought about and talked about our infertility since we decided to take a break. I did my interview first, and then it was Pace's turn. After we both did our interviews, the facilitator handed us an envelope with some cash in it to compensate us for our time. We tried to refuse, but when she told us it was the University's money and not hers, we decided to take it. LOL

When she left, Pace looked at me, handed me the envelope and said. "Let's start that baby fund." I literally broke down in tears and jumped in his arms. We are going to set up a separate account for treatment/adoption (whichever route we decide to go) so that friends and family can donate as well instead of purchasing Christmas/birthday gifts for us. I am SO excited ladies. It may be a very small step, but at least I know that he hasn't given up. That we WILL return to our quest to find a family, it is just a matter of when.

I am so excited that fall is here, the weather is starting to change, it is still dark out when I wake up in the morning now. I LOVE FALL!!! We don't get to see many seasons here in Arizona, so fall is a BIG thing for us! Plus it means that the dreadful heat is almost over!

This weekend I am attending an Christian women's conference with a friend of mine. I am very excited, I haven't attended one of these things for a very long time and I NEED TO BE FED! I have been starving myself long enough. I am so excited to experience the fellowship and GREAT music!

Mind/Body Connection

I went to the professionally led support group last Wednesday. It was AMAZING! The facilitator really knows her stuff and man there wasn't a dry eye in the room!

Her main focus is mind/body connection and really paying attention to what your body is telling you. She talked about psychosomatic tendencies and how these symptoms aren't just "made up" they are real. Your emotional state makes a HUGE difference on your physical state. No she was NOT saying JUST RELAX AND IT WILL HAPPEN, she was talking about being more in tune with your emotions so that your energies and blood flow can regain harmony, thus making your body physically healthier.

It made so much sense and it made me think about my appointment next week to start anti.depressants. Maybe I should give this mind/body thing a shot first. It totally makes sense, it won't be easy, but I am not one to look for the easy way out of things.

She took us through a guided meditation which TOTALLY relaxed me. I couldn't believe how incredibly at peace I felt. After meditating she asked us to really pay attention to our bodies for a moment and search for that place where we keep all of our emotions/pain/turmoil hidden in our bodies. She told us how important it is to let those emotions out and that keeping them stuffed inside only causes more stress, trouble and disease. She also emphasized how important it is to be honest with how you are feeling to friends and family. When you receive yet another pregnancy announcement, tell that person. "I really am happy for you and I wish I could express that to you right now, but I am going to need time. You see, I am really hurting right now and although this is a wondrous occasion for you, please understand that it is really difficult for me."

When the facilitator first said this, my initial reaction was "yeah right" I could NEVER tell my friends or family that. For multiple reasons.
1. I don't want to show the emotions to people because that leaves me vulnerable and at risk of being hurt by a stupid "be thankful for what you have, maybe you should just relax, why don't you just adopt.etc." kind of comment.
2. Who the hell am I to rain on my friend/family's parade when they are announcing something so joyous ?
3. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me when it comes to fertility/children stuff.

That is when I realized...
1. If I am unable to show my friends my emotions and leave myself vulnerable to them and trust them, then what kind of friendships do I really have? Sure, I may get hurt, but that happens anyway, if I am engaging in an honest, open friendship with them, then I should find it easier to correct them and explain to them how much those "comments" really hurt.
2. Am I doing more damage by stuffing my emotions inside, putting on a fake smile and pretending to be happy for my friends rather than just being open and honest with them about how I am feeling? I think so. I had to take a step back and ask myself if I had a friend that was hurting, would I want her to stuff those feelings inside, put on a fake smile and then fall apart alone, behind the scenes? Absolutely NOT! I would want her to lean on me for support, so why do I think that my friends don't want to do the same for me?
3. I think people walk on eggshells around me now. So if I want different results, maybe I should try something new! If I am honest with people about how I am feeling, don't you think they would be less likely to be uneasy around me because they know I would be open and honest with them? They would not have to fear the "unknown" because there wouldn't be any "unknown".

It is a lot to take in, but very exhilarating as well. I had the baby shower for my dear friend last Saturday and I couldn't bring myself to go. Then she sent me an email stating that she was going to have a sleep-over with a couple of girlfriends and she wanted me to be there. I responded to her email and told her that as much as I wanted to be able to be there for her, I just couldn't right now. I was having a tough time and it would be much harder on me to be there, than for me not to be there. Guess what...Not only did she completely understand, she thanked me for being honest with her. Huh...how many other people out there have I underestimated and just assumed they would be uncomfortable talking about my infertility, when in all reality, they wanted to be there as a support.

Food for thought!

Darn Infertility

Thank you all for your input on the questions of my last blog. I have done a lot of thinking over the last week and I think it is time for me to sort some things out.

I have a history of depression, but the last time I was medicated for it was 9 years ago. I think it is time again. I just need something to help me take the edge off and get my positive thinking back. I am tired of being sad and gloomy, I want to be my fun, crazy self again. (ok - I am still crazy, but not in the fun, happy sort of way, more like the manic, psychotic sort of way now) LOL

I am going to talk to my brother (our financial advisor and banker) about setting up a separate savings account for adoption. I know that we are not prepared to take that step "yet", but when we are prepared, I would like to have the money in place to do so. I can't stomach the thought of being emotionally and psychologically ready to move forward and then having to wait another 6 months to save up money. I am also thinking of getting a part time job (something I can do on the weekends or a couple evenings a week) to get a jump start to my adoption fund.

I am going to my first professionally-led infertility support group through RES.OLVE tonight. I am a regular member of the pee-led one, but think it is time to "step up the game" and I just want to see what a professional has to say. I will definitely update you all on how this goes.

I am feeling a lot of anger, a lot of bitterness and sadness still. I didn't go to my friends baby shower last weekend. I just couldn't do it (plus we had Pace's little sister all weekend). I am just not in a good place right now.

I have a question for you all on adoption. Whether you have gone through the home-study process or not, you can either give your opinion or your experience.

I was wondering what/if any repercussions I could expect if I am on anti.depressants while going through the adoption process. Obviously, if going on anti.depressants is going to hinder our ability to adopt in anyway, I will not do it. Do you all have any insight on this? By the way - I know it may disqualify us from international adoption (especially China) but we are looking at doing domestic infant adoption.

Thank you all! I hope you all are doing well

Support systems and friendships

I felt so much better after blogging the other day. I just needed to get some of that stuff off my chest and it reminded me so well why I started Blogging in the first place.

Sometimes you just can't talk to people about this infertility stuff. When I try talking to my girlfriends about infertility, they usually feel uncomfortable or they start asking 100 questions and the entire conversation ends up me educating them on infertility which isn't what I need sometimes. I am very grateful they want to learn and become familiar, but just once I would like to curl up in a friends arms and just cry and scream and yell about how unfair this is and how much this hurts. I just want her to hold my head, hand me a tissue and say "I know sweetie."

Don't get me wrong, I have WONDERFUL friends, I just don't know how to reach out to them when it comes to infertility. When the Dr. found my cyst a couple of months ago, I tried. It failed miserably. It was so uncomfortable talking to my friend, I wanted her to put her arm around me and comfort me like I did for her when her Grandpa passed away. I wanted her to let me cry on her shoulder, but sadly I guess our friendship just isn't that way. Now she is pregnant, so she is busy and I feel like it is SO awkward for her to be around me now, so she pretty much avoids me. (They got pregnant their first month of "not preventing)

I just wish I knew how to open up to others. I used to pour my heart out to Pace all the time and cry in his arms, but I realize now that I was making it so much harder for him. It broke his heart to see me so upset and so angry, I totally relied on him alone when we lost the baby and he is traumatized still to this day. He is terrified of trying again because he doesn't want to see me hurting like that ever again.

So - I am interested - do you ladies have friends that you can call and cry to? What kind of in-person (not over the Internet) support system do you have? If you have a girlfriend that you an cry to, how did you get to that point, or has your friendship always allowed for that?

S.T.R.U.G.G.L.I.N.G.

I am struggling friends. As I have previously mentioned, work is VERY stressful right now. Some days I just wish they would shut the damn doors so I could just move on. I hate this limbo crap of not knowing what the hell my future looks like. I guess after infertility I should be used to this feeling but darn it, I'm not.

My friend and co-worker that has breast cancer did NOT get laid off. Thank Goodness! They did cut her pay pretty dramatically, but she still has a job.

I attended the monthly infertility support group meeting last week and it made me realize how bitter I still am. Here we are on a break that I DON'T WANT TO TAKE. I am taking it because my husband needed it, I probably needed it too, but I didn't WANT it. For the first time in years I have no idea where I am at in my cycle, I have no idea if I ovulated, I am clueless. AND I HATE IT. I haven't done any research, I have been very bad at blogging, I have just kind of become a hermit. I just feel lost. My husband said that he wanted his wife back...well... I am NEVER going to be the person I was 5 years ago. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on, spit on, shredded to pieces and then stuffed back in this broken, malfunctioning body of mine. I will never be the same goo-goo ga-ga-ooooh- I- am- SO- in- love- nothing- can- ever- go- wrong- in- my- life- naive person again. No break will EVER make that pain go away. I can't just flip the switch from "actively TTC" to "On a break" and act like nothing is wrong.

I have two very close friends that are pregnant right now. One is having a baby shower this weekend. I have no idea if I will be able to go. Thankfully she is a dear and totally understands and supports me being there....or not. My other friend however, I am not so sure she will be as understanding.

I think that being on a break is driving me more insane than actively TTC did. I feel helpless, hopeless, distant, lost. I am tired of standing still. I have been standing still for over a year and I don't want to do it anymore. I need to move forward.

So I am taking small steps to move forward. I have told my husband what I plan on doing, but the steps are small enough that it appears to not be upsetting the "we are on a break" cart.

Step One: I have Nat.ive Amer.ican blood in me and recently my friend on FB adopted a Nat.ive Amer.ican baby within days of getting certified because she has her "Ind.ian card" (that's what my mom calls it). Nat.ive Amer.icans will only adopt out to other NA. (it is some triballaw) That leaves a market open to me that may not be open to others and I expect to take full advantage of that. So, I am going to contact my mom and start figuring out how I can get my "Ind.ian card" That way if we do end up adopting, I will already have that in place. If we don't end up adopting, there are other benefits I could utilize from having that card.

Step Two: I have been brainstorming fundraising ideas for adoption. I am going to talk to my brother (who is an investment broker and handles all our money) about setting up a separate, private account for donations and fundraising. I need to put on my big girl panties and stop being scared to ask for financial help because...we need it. If I don't ask, we will never have children.

So, that is me right now, I am bitter, angry, tired and overall in a Bad mood (if you have seen 40 year old virgin, you know how that quote is supposed to go - I love that quote!)

I guess sometimes we are ok, and others we are not. Right now I am not.

*Updated* Dana? Two Live Crew?

Hey Dana - emails from people are coming in through comments on this blog - not sure if you have seen them. I haven't gotten an email from you yet for the invite, so I just wanted to make sure you knew that the emails are coming in!

Hey hon - I wasn't sure how else to communicate with you as your blog appears to be "invite only" now. I tried to comment today, but something happened and my computer totally freaked out, so I was trying to log on again, but couldn't access your blog.

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your little one. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow - I will be thinking of you!

Nichole

Not in Kansas anymore (cont.)

Ok...so where did I leave off.

Pace and I headed home fairly early Friday night. Everyone was getting pretty drunk and silly, so it was time to go. :-)

We woke up Saturday morning to the most beautiful fog. You could hardly see anything. It was AWESOME! We enjoyed a nice breakfast with my parents and began to plan our day. Do you remember the Chicken Enchilada Delight I was jonesing for before I left? I GOT IT!!!

It was AWESOME! Even better than I remember because I was able to share it with Pace and my parents. After we had lunch, we went back to the farm and my dad had to go get the "Bad Boy" out of the garage. My parents have A LOT of grass to mow, so my dad recently got this awesome 72 inch blade riding lawn mower. He was just like a little boy at Christmas time! Pace of course had been eyeing the weed eater in the garage since we had arrived, so he took my dad mowing as an opportunity to get in and get dirty on the farm.

I went out and worked a little in my mom's flower beds picking weeds and trimming the bushes getting them ready for the winter. It was so nice. That is until Pace's allergies kicked in. LOL We all got dirty and spent some time enjoying the beautiful weather and each other's company. After the lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled (or cut down with the weed eater), and the wasp nests were destroyed (my mom is horribly allergic) we hit the showers to prepare for the dinner and dance for the reunion.

We got there just in time for dinner and I was very dissappointed to see that not many had changed since High School. The clicks were all the same and very few had changed or matured since we graduated. I hung out and caught up with those that I wanted and then after one adorable dance

We headed off to our friend James' house for a drink and some nice conversation.

Sunday morning my parents were kind enough to let us sluff church so we could catch up on some much needed ZZZZZZ's. After traveling for a day and staying up until 2 am two nights in a row...we were really in need of some good sleep. Mom and dad took us to breakfast and then back to the farm we went.

Pace couldn't wait to get out in the pasture and help my brother chop down some big, beautiful, but bothersome trees. So off they went on the bobcat with a chainsaw in hand. While they boys played with their toys I helped my mom make her famous fried chicken, mashed potatoes and chicken gravy. One of my all time favorite meals that my mom makes. Nobody makes chicken gravy like she does!

It was very bittersweet as our trip was coming to an end. I knew I wasn't ready to go home. After all of the pressure and stress I had been dealing with in AZ, it was so comforting to have my mom hold me, hug me and just love on me. I miss them so much. They aren't getting any younger and having to leave them was so difficult.

Here we are back in AZ, back in the heat, back to work and muddling our way through this short week and looking forward to the weekend. My nephew just started playing football, so we are headed off to see his game tomorrow night. I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON! Woo Hoo!

Not in Kansas anymore

I had such a wonderful time in KS. I was NOT ready to come home. I wanted to blog while at my parent's house because I didn't want to miss anything, but I just couldn't find the time so I will do my best to relive the trip for you!

We headed to the airport Thursday morning with VERY little time to spare. I like to have plenty of time when I get to the airport because you never know how long everything is going to take. Well, we were arriving at the airport with about an hour until our plane left. We still had to park the car, take the shuttle to the airport, check our bags, go through security and get to our gate. Needless to say, I was a little STRESSED! However, we got on the plane in just enough time and off we went.

We arrived in beautiful Denver a few hours later and got our rental car. Pace surprised me by renting the new Cam.aro. He said I needed to arrive to my reunion in style. LOL We started to drive to my parents and I felt instantly relaxed. The beautiful sunflower fields, the clouds and the rain. I felt like I was home. The drive went smoothly. We saw some crazy big birds, I have no idea what they were and a beautiful deer on the side of the road. We drove through some rain and I just couldn't wait to get home.

We arrived in the evening and were greeted in the driveway by the family dog, Bo. He is a beautiful golden retriever that has really helped my parents deal with "empty nest" syndrome. Seeing my mom and dad come out of the house to greet us was awesome! I miss them so much. We spent the evening visiting and made some plans to do some touring on Friday.

When we went up to bed, the windows were open and a wonderful cool breeze was blowing through the bedroom. I feel asleep to the cool night air and the sound of locusts buzzing in the trees. I was home.

Friday morning we loaded up in the car and headed out. We drove by some new land that my parents bought, a new wind farm that is going up by my parents house, and to Greensburg KS. If you don't know about Greensburg, it is a small town in KS that was almost completely wiped out by a huge tornado two years ago. They are rebuilding it now and are building it back "green". There is a show on Green TV all about rebuilding the town. My parents also drove us out to the new lake that they are building and also the new casino. This little town really is growing up! LOL

Friday evening was the first evening of planned activities for the reunion. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to throw up. We got to the bar and started mingling. The first hour was kind of rough, especially on Pace. He obviously didn't know anyone and I felt pretty bad. So, he called our friend James (James and I went to high school together, he lived in AZ for a little while where he met Pace and we all became very good friends) "Hi James"! (he reads my blogs too) :-)

For the rest of the night I think Pace and James were the life of the party. Everyone thought they were so funny and for the majority of the evening, I forgot about how awkward it was to be around all of these people from high school. As far as my classmates go, very few of them have changed. The clicks were all the same, it really felt like I was still in high school. Overall I am glad I went, but I enjoyed my time with my parents much more than the reunion itself.

This is getting way long, so I will write more about the weekend later!

Totally out of it

So... I have been a bad blogger and an even worse commenter. To be honest...life really sucks right now.

The company I have worked at for almost 9 years is folding. It is only a matter of time (like within a few months). They have laid off nearly half of the employees today, more to come this week and the rest of us are just waiting around to show up to work to find locked doors. It is awful. My dear sweet friend who just had surgery last week due to breast cancer is quite possibly going to be one of the employees to be laid off this week. I am just absolutely sick to my stomach. I can't imagine working without her. She was hired as my assistant to help with the daily office responsibilities and there is NO WAY I can do it all without her. Her husband was laid off 6 months ago, hasn't been able to find any work, she was just diagnosed with breast cancer last month, and now this.

I am so stressed, sad and just overall disgusted at the poor decisions the owners have made over the last 2 years (new owners came in 2 years ago) that has brought the company to where they are now.

I am so excited to leave on Thursday and just get away from all of the stress and frustration even if it is only for 5 days. It will be 5 days of spending life in a much more relaxed, slow pace out on the farm with my parents. MUCH NEEDED!

TTC hasn't even been an option lately. I haven't been keeping track of what day I am on, haven't been taking OPT, haven't even given it a second thought (to my husbands pleasure).

I am so sorry I have been a bad blogger. So many things are going on right now, I just haven't had the time or the energy to get online.

That is all for now. I probably won't write again until I get home from my 10 year reunion. I hope you all have a wonderful and safe Labor Day and thank you for continuing to read my blog even though I don't update you all as often as I should!

Big Hugs!

I'm still here!

I know I have been pretty quiet lately. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and actually my life has just been really crazy.

I want to start by asking you all to please go over and visit Teri. She has had a very hard week and could really use your support

My work is moving to a different location and as the office manager, it has been my responsibility to pack up the entire office and get everything prepared for the move. By the time I get home at night, I am exhausted.

Nothing is really new for us on the fertility front. Actually we haven't even discussed it. It has been kind of nice, but difficult at the same time if that makes any sense. I really don't know how I feel about any of this stuff. I guess that means that I really needed this break after all.

We are going back home for my 10 year reunion next week. I am very excited to go see all of my old high school friends. Since I moved out of state, I haven't really stayed in touch with many of them, so this should be a very exciting trip. Plus I get to see my parents. This will be our first trip with just the two of us and our parents. Usually the whole family is there, so it will be nice to have some alone time with them. I should have LOTS of good stories after that trip! LOL

Pace teased that we should have shirts made that say "No...we don't have kids...don't ask" for the first night of the reunion. I thought that was not only very funny...but a darn good idea as well!

How did all of you handle your reunions and all of the "how many kids do you have" questions?... I would be very interested!

A lot can happen in a year (The finale)

I woke up in the morning and saw red. I had been told my my dr. that everything was fine and I shouldn't worry unless I saw red. I was so upset the night before because no one from my dr. office called me back with my BETA results. I called and no one would give me the results. I got really worked up and cried myself to sleep. Then I wake up to red.

I got dressed and went to work freaking out the whole way. I settle in to work and try to get my mind off of everything. As soon as my dr. office opens, I call the triage nurse. Right before that the cramps started kicking in. They were HORRIBLE. They were worse than I have ever experienced before. They took my breath away. The triage nurse told me to get to the hospital as soon as I could. I called Pace, but where he was working, he didn't have reception. I tried to get a hold of him for about a half hour bawling the whole time. Crying because I was scared, crying because I was in pain and crying because I felt like my world was crashing around me.

I finally got a hold of Pace, he told me to go home and he would pick me up and take me to the ER. By the time I got home I was bleeding very heavy. I knew.

When we arrived at the hospital, the ER nurse that was checking me in was about 8 months pregnant. Ouch.

They take a bunch of blood, and finally call me back for an ultrasound. By this time I am bleeding everywhere. The tech starts her scan and I just lie there and cry. I knew.

After the ultrasound I am taken back to a bed in the ER and was told the dr. would be back to see me shortly. We waited for 45 minutes and I knew.

I just wanted to leave. I needed to get out of that damn hospital. I needed to curl up in bed in my husbands arms and cry. I needed to get away from people. I needed to be alone.

The Dr. finally came back and confirmed that my uterus was empty. I already knew. We were discharged and on our way home. I sent a text to my friends and family. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone near me. The text said "We lost the baby. Please understand that I need time with my husband right now and won't be available this weekend." Tumbling, Crashing,

I don't remember a lot about the days after that. I remember the flowers being delivered to my house, I remember the phone ringing but me not answering, I remember collapsing on my kitchen floor and not ever wanting to get up. I remember lying in bed with my husband and crying out asking "why"?

A year later, I find myself still asking why and while I was at church today I realized that it is time to stop asking. I need to let it go. Although I will probably never know the reason for my precious baby being sent to heaven far too early, I know that there is a reason. That wound in my heart will never completely heal, but I need to stop asking why.

My precious baby, mommy and daddy miss you so much. I think of you every day and wish that I could have seen your smiling face, watched you learn to roll over, clap your hands, crawl, and all of the other things that I have missed out on this last year. I cherish the small amount of time that you were here on earth with us, but I know you are in heaven with my precious Lord looking over me and your daddy. One day we will be able to see you face to face and hold you in our arms, but until then, know that you were loved long before you were placed in my belly and will be loved to the end of eternity.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy

A lot can happen in a year (part 2)

A year ago today I was probably happier than I have ever been. We had told pretty much everyone. All of our friends knew, my co-workers knew, some of Pace's co-workers knew. Not that I look back on that I think "How frickin stupid can you be? Why in the hell would you do that to yourself?" Of course...I had no idea what the next couple of days were going to bring.

Lots of my friends had called me immediately after taking an HPT to tell me that they were pg, and their pregnancies turned out just fine. They have wonderful little toddlers right now. However...it didn't work out that way for me.

It was a year ago today that I first started spotting. It was very faint, very brown, but it was there. I was told by my dr. and my sisters (both of which were pregnant at the time) that brown spotting was very normal and not to worry.

How could I not worry? I have been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years, this is my first EVER BFP, and you want me to not worry about spotting? Well...I am worried and until I am examined by a dr. and told that everything is fine...I will continue to worry.

I cried in Pace's arms, so worried that we were going to lose this baby. We have been devastated so many times over the last three and a half years, but nothing compared to the devastation that was yet to come.

Why did we tell so many people?

A lot can happen in a year

So, a year ago this very night, I was the happiest woman on the earth, lying in bed next to my husband with his hand expectantly resting on my belly. We were on top of the world. We saw our very first BFP!

For once in a very long time, all was right with the world. Our dreams were coming true and I felt such an inner peace and calm. It was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I felt whole, I felt complete, I was happy.

One year ago today we were getting ready to go to a friends going away party. We had done a Clo.mid cycle, but I refused to test and was just waiting for AF to show. (This is the one and only time I have ever NOT tested 10 times during the 2ww) I knew I would want to have a few drinks at the party, so I decided I would go ahead and test just in case. I had a digital test (which I hate cause when they are negative, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach) so I took it and within seconds the most amazing work popped up on the screen "pregnant". I couldn't believe it! Could this really be? I yelled for Pace and when he entered the bedroom, I showed him the test. He looked at me and said "Are you kidding?" I was crying, he picked me up in his arms and we cried and we laughed and we cried some more.

After a few minutes I ran to the phone and called my mom. My two sisters were both pregnant at the time, so I called my mom and asked her if she would mind having another pregnant woman at Christmas. It was the phone call I had always dreamed of. I was finally going to give my parents a grandchild. It was finally my turn. My mom screamed, we cried, we laughed and so the night went. We had originally told ourselves that if we got pregnant, we weren't going to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks along. Well...after almost 4 years of trying, we broke that agreement immediately. We called all of our family, told all of our friends, we practically shouted it from the rooftops.

We were on cloud nine. We were on top of the world. We were madly, deeply and completely in love with the little life that was growing inside me.

A lot can happen in a year

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What a week this has been. I will start off with the good news because, it is short and sweet and the rest of this blog will probably be negative Nelly, so it is good to start on a positive note.

My pathology report came back A-ok. I didn't really get information on what exactly it was or what caused it, or what the recurrence rate is all I needed to know yesterday is that it is benign. I will have additional information after my post-op appointment tomorrow, but I am just so grateful, it wasn't anything serious.

I have no idea where our TTC future is going to lead. I will consult with our RE tomorrow to see what his opinion is (I am already pretty sure I know what he is going to say, but I will ask anyway). I am all ready to jump into treatment again (providing that we can afford it). The last year has been a total waste of time infertility wise. Last August was my miscarriage (God I can't believe it's been a year) we have done one Clo.mid cycle since then which is when we found my little alien. That is 11 months of waiting...not really TTC, not doing anything out of the ordinary to try and get pregnant. I am tired of waiting.

Pace on the other hand isn't. He is not ready to move forward, he isn't sure that he wants to do treatments anymore. Throughout the last four and a half years we have pretty much been on at least close to the same page. Now we are in completely different books.

At one point I was ready to give up on treatments and just move forward with adoption. I needed results, I want to be a mommy and obviously that wasn't happening for us physically. However the financial aspect of adoption and all of the political red tape really scared me off. We just don't have that kind of money. We don't have money for IVF either, so if the RE tells us that is where we need to be...we will decline. We will move on and it will be over. On the flip side if he thinks we could try again with a few IUI's - I am all for that!

I am just so damn frustrated. I want to be sympathetic with Pace's feelings and decisions and I am grateful that he felt he could be honest with me about his feelings, but at the same time I am frustrated that once again this is being put on hold. After the miscarriage we were on hold while my body healed, then I had surgery in January, I was told to wait 3 months before doing Clo.mid again - on hold. Did one cycle of Clo.mid and then on hold again while we tried to figure out what the alien creature was doing. On hold while my body heals after surgery and now on hold because we aren't on the same page.

Since January I have had six pregnancy announcements (3 within the last 2 weeks alone) and I am just so exhausted. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate the entire situation, I hate the feelings, I hate how people feel they have to tip-toe around us, I hate the treatment, I hate what this is doing to my marriage, I hate what this is doing to me.