My husband is the BOMB DIGGITY!

So, yesterday was my birthday. I knew Pace was taking me to my favorite sushi place for dinner, but I thought that was all we had planned. BOY WAS I WRONG - here goes my story from last night.

4:30 I get home to an empty house, call Pace he says he is on his way home and would be there shortly

4:45 Pace gets home, I change quickly into something comfy so I can gorge myself on sushi. I go to walk out to the truck to find this outside my house

OK - don't get too excited, it was rented, not purchased, but I don't care it is a freakin awesome car! I cry, I scream, I jump up and down like an idiot, I have never been in a corvette, especially not a hot red one like this!

5:00 we start heading towards dinner, we take the long way so we can spend as much time in the car as possible

6:00 Finish up dinner. It was AWESOME! I crave my favorite sushi from this place, so now that craving has been satisfied...for now. Pace tells me we have to go to Fed.Ex to pick something up and then we have an appointment at 7:30.

6:10 Heading towad Fed.Ex, he won't tell me what the appointment is, so I just sit back and enjoy the sick ride in the sick car!

6:30 Got Fed.Ex package, Pace tells me to open it. It is two tickets to last nights showing of the Broadway musical "Wick.ed"!!! Oh my gosh, the tears again, I was so excited. I couldn't wait!

7:30 Show starts and I cry. I cry because I am so over the moon happy. My husband really went out of his way to make this birthday special and I love him so much for that.

11:00 Hit the bar for a quick nightcap (I know it was a Wed. night and I am usually well into a deep REM by this time at night, but come on! I have a freakin Corv.ette to drive around - there is no time to sleep!)

I felt like a princess the entire night and I didn't think about infertility or adoption once. (Ok - that's not entirely true, I did catch myself thinking "man if we had kids we would never be able to have a cute little two seater sports care like this - I think I could get used to this.") I had an entire night of doing things that pregnant women can't do - shouldn't do at least (sorry for those of you that are pregnant) and for the first time in a long time instead of being pouty and sulky about it.

I ENJOYED EVERY FREAKING MOMENT OF IT!

Thank you husband for the best birthday I could have ever imagined and thank you God for bringing such a special man into my life. - you rock too!

It is what it is...

My husband says that all the time and honestly sometimes it really irritates the crap out of me. It seems like a scapegoat, a cop-out, but this morning as I was getting ready for work, I was struck with an entirely different perspective.

Today I am 28 years old. All 3 of my sisters had their first babies when they were 27, and if it weren't for my miscarriage, I would have followed suit. But today changed that. Now I am 28, I have crossed the threshold that I had placed on myself, the time table I had set for having our first child (actually I was hoping to be working on #2 for my 27th). When I had this realization this morning, the first thing that came to me was "It is what it is." There isn't a darn thing I can do about it now.

I can be sad, I can be upset and declare to everyone how stinking unfair this is, but it wouldn't change anything.
I can lock myself in my room tonight and sulk that I don't have a baby to hold or a little voice to say "Happy Birthday Mommy" but it wouldn't change anything.
I can cry and scream, be angry and bitter but it wouldn't change anything.

It is what it is.

And I'm ok with that for today. Today is my birthday and infertility is not going to take another wonderful birthday away from me.

I am so blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing husband who loves me when I can't love myself. I have two wonderful fur babies that drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time I am just crazy in love with them. I have great friends that support us, enjoy spending time with us and would do anything for us. I have a beautiful home that Pace and I have decorated, designed and worked on together. I have a job. Pace has a job. I have a wonderful life. Yes, the Infertility portion of it totally sucks, but it is what it is. I can't do anything more to change it at this point in time, so for once I am just going to allow it to be.

I am going to go have oodles and oodles of sushi tonight and enjoy every last bite!

Thank you all for your love and your support. You all have cheered me on when I was high and when I was low. I know the low will come again, but for now I am going to fight it off and enjoy the things that I have been blessed with over the years that have been taken for granted.

God Bless!

God bless you dear Sarah

Please give some love to my friend Jess. Her brother's girlfriend went into premature labor last week. She was 20 weeks along. The Dr's rushed her into surgery and did a cerclage. However, she got an infection and they had to take it out yesterday.

Dear Sarah was born yesterday weighing very little and only lived about 5 minutes.

She is now a beautiful angel singing with the Angel Chorus and hanging out with her 4 baby cousins.

Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers as yet another baby in the family made it to heaven way too soon.

Adoption Orientation

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet cause I don't think I have really processed it enough to REALLY write about it.

The orientation was very interesting, very thorough and VERY HARD. I wasn't expecting the emotions surrounding adoption to hit me like they did. There is so much to consider, plan and decide up on when looking into adoption and I am not sure I am ready for that right now.

Like I said, I need time to process, so I am going to close here, just wanted to keep you update.

Very Difficult Father's Day

This year was particularly hard. Knowing that if we had not lost our baby, Pace would have been able to wake up to his beautiful son/daughter cooing and loving him instead of me making coffee and doing dishes.

It isn't fair and I am not sure I have ever felt more guilty and sad that I can not and may not ever be able to give my husband a biological child. Obviously I know in my mind that it is not my fault, I am not infertile on purpose and I certainly didn't ask for this, but my heart is taking much longer to convince. I thought I was totally over the biological connection thing and for the most part I think I am, but it hurts non-the-less and I am not sure I will ever be completely and totally over the fact that my children don't have his beautiful blue eyes, my skin and his cute little tushy.

This is going to be a rough week. Starting out with a strenuous Father's Day, 2 adoption orientations, Pace working late a few nights and his little sister's birthday party on Saturday (she will be 4). It is going to be a very emotional week.

My pregnant friend came over last Thursday for a visit. The last time I saw her was when she told me she was pregnant (about 5 months ago). It was ok, it was great seeing her, I really missed her but at the same time it was very hard. It was hard to hear her complain about being pregnant (not about being pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy, but just how uncomfortable pregnancy is). I simply replied "It will be worth it in the end." I didn't know what else to say. I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, she was trying to keep our friendship as "normal" as possible in this very uncomfortable time. I made her a baby blanket and gave it to her when she came over, she said that I should have waited for the baby shower to which I replied, "I wanted to give it to you now because I don't know if I will be able to attend the shower." She didn't press it or ask any additional questions and I love her for that.

Back from the RE

I have to start off by saying it was SO NICE being back with the RE. They have so much more professionalism, compassion and knowledge than my OB/GYN!

So here is how it went - the cyst is still there, however these are the EXACT words out of my RE's mouth when he saw it. "Ummm...I don't know what to say...I have no idea what that is. It is definitely a "complex" cyst, but I have never seen anything like it." Grrrr

Seriously...that is how my body works. I can't get the "normal" stuff, I have to be a Dr. House episode every time! So he wants me to come back in 3 weeks and check it again to see if it has grown or changed at all (it is 1cm right now). He said that he is pretty sure it is not a Der.moid cyst, but he wasn't sure what it was...maybe blood?

Now here is the thing that surprised me the most. I asked him about my fertility and if we were to resume IF treatments, where he would have me start. I was totally expecting him to say IVF because he is very much a "do whatever it takes and lets start now" kind of guy. After 3 IUI's he was talking IVF and I know women who have done 8, 9, 10 IUI's before moving on. Anyway...he said he wasn't going to speculate anything until he checks my ovarian reserve. He said that my PCOS, Insulin Resistance, Ann.ovulation, Poor stimulation, miscarriage, endo.metriosis and now cysts has him very concerned about my ovarian reserve and does not want to waste time or money on anything else until that is evaluated.

Holy crap! I am only 28 (in a few weeks) can we really be talking about ovarian reserve and menopause right now? I am not going to freak out until we get the results back (July 9th) but dang...I really wasn't prepared for him to say that.

The good news is that they do Embryo Adoption / Transfers there, so we will talk more about that when I see him on the 9th. Of course that is if DH is on board with it. He is not so sure about it right now. I just want to do the research and then talk to the RE and see if he thinks my body can carry a pregnancy. Then we will go from there.

That's all for now!

The world is a spinnin...

Wow - I feel like I am stuck in a whirl wind right now. So many things are happening, so many new things, new ideas and new people in our life!

Pace and I attended our first adoption support group meeting on Monday and instantly fell in love. It was such an uplifting group. We walked out of there with more excitement and hope than we have had in almost a year. We are ready to move forward - genetic similarities no longer matter. We just want to be parents.

We are attending two orientation meetings with local agencies next week. I will call one "CC" and the other "CFC". I spoke to a woman from CFC last week briefly on the phone and told her I would be in contact with her after we attended the orientation. Her name sounded really familiar, but I just brushed it off. Her name came up in the adoption support group meeting as well and again I was struck with how familiar her name sounded. Yesterday it dawned on me. I logged onto my Face.book acct. and there she was. A girl that my sister went to high school with that lives in the Phx valley now. We have been friends on Face.book for a while, but I had no idea she worked at CFC because I know her by her maiden name...not her married name. I immediately shot her an email and we both laughed at how small the world really is. We both grew up in KS, so the fact that we are both here, that we are looking to adopt and she works for one of the adoption agencies we are considering...VERY small world. Not only does she work for CFC...she is the supervisor of the adoption department! Ha!!!

I had a very dear online friend (and fellow blogger) email me yesterday and offered up an option to me that I had never considered. Embryo Adoption. I just assumed that EA would be WAY more expensive than IVF or traditional adoption which meant that it was out of the question for us. However after doing some research, it appears that isn't the case. I talked to Pace about it last night and we are both on the fence. Although I would love the opportunity to be pregnant, I am terrified of it not working or miscarrying again. We just want to be parents. So...we are going to talk to our RE about it tomorrow when I go see him. I just want to know his opinion on how he feels my body will react to a pregnancy. I think I know what he is going to say, but I am going to wait and see.

It really seems that now that we have let go of the "genetic relation" part of starting our family, the options are really endless. This has put a whole new wind in our sails and new hope in our heart.

For right now we are going to continue to do our research and start the home study process. We are meeting with the pastor that married Pace and I on Thursday as he and his wife are infertile and adopted two little girls a little over a year ago. They are going to share their story and just be an additional support system for us as we transition into this new path to parenthood.

Thankfully my family seems to be very excited and "on board" with the whole adoption thing. Even the EA. I was a little concerned since the majority of my family is Cath.olic, but they were very excited and amazed that EA was even an option medically. My mom immediately started doing research on EA, she found a video on it and is sending it to me. I know that my family just wants us to be parents, but I know my mom really wants me to be able to experience pregnancy too. So we will see which path the Lord walks us down.

Just wanted to keep you all updated!

Ups and Downs

I have had writers block the last little while. I have had much to write about, I thought about writing, but just couldn't. I am having good days and bad days with the adoption stuff. After attending our RE.SOLVE support group meeting last Wednesday, I wasn't sure I wanted to pursue adoption right now. I listened to the women in the group talking about IVF, IUI, egg donor cycles and it made me want to try more.

Then I woke up and realized that I just can't right now. We are ready to be parents now. We already know that adoption will take a year or two to be finalized, and we need to start moving on it now. It doesn't mean I have to give up on fertility treatments forever. We will wait to see what the RE says on Thursday, but we need to move forward. I feel like we have been treading water for 4.5 years and now I am ready to swim.

We are scheduled to attend an adoption support group meeting tonight, we have meetings with two different agencies next week and Pace is looking into what/if any adoption assistance his company offers. (mine offers none, they don't even have paid maternity leave). I am just blown away with how expensive adoption is. I don't know how we are going to come up with the money, but we will do it. Somehow. If I have to sponsor bake sales and yard sales, I will do it!

So, I have my ups and downs. I am occupying my mind elsewhere. I have read one and a half books in the last week, Pace and I are very busy getting ready for the luau we are hosting next month, adoption research, I am in the process of making my friend a baby blanket (she just found out she is having a girl) and overall just enjoying the break from ovulation tests, clo.mid and ultrasounds.

I am so grateful for my friends, my online friends, and my in real life friends. They have been so supportive and loving. I am going to move forward and not look back, I am going to lace up my hiking boots and climb the mountain. I am not going to let this break me, but make me stronger.

God bless you all and thank you for allowing me to be me!

Changing Tides

After I left the Dr. office from my last ultrasound, something inside of me changed. I have given up hope. I am not going to allow myself to have false hope anymore.

We are researching adoption. This is a huge step for us and we are going to take it VERY slowly. At this point we are not completely giving up hope of having biological children, but we are definitely not putting all of our eggs (pun intended) in that basket. We will see what the RE has to say on the 18th and go from there.

I don't feel IVF is for us, at least not at this point. If I am going to spend that kind of money, I would rather spend it on adoption. This is just OUR perspective. Maybe someday if we live in a state with insurance coverage or we win the lottery or something, we would do IVF, but just not right now.

We have our first adoption orientation meeting on June 23rd and plan on attending many more. We are scared, a bit sad and definitely overwhelmed, but we are coming to terms with the cards we were dealt. I am not sure I can handle another "surprise" surgery, another miscarriage, another failed cycle, emotionally I just don't think I can bear it. We have been trying for almost four and a half years and we are no closer today to having a biological child than we were four and a half years ago. We are ok with waiting another two or three years as we go through the adoption process, but I am not sure we could wait another two or three years of fertility treatment.

Again, we are going to wait and see what the RE says before we completely give up on fertility treatments, but for the time being, our focus is going to be on getting my body healthy again and pursuing adoption.

It's almost Friday!

My appointment with the RE is set for June 18th. I have cancelled my follow up appt. with my ob/gyn for the time being as I do not want to move forward with my ob/gyn.

I have given up on this cycle. Today is CD27 and no ovulation. I'm done. I am having a birthday bash in July so I am just going to focus on that and focus on keeping myself healthy mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally.

I feel like I am just really being tested and I need to stay focused. I become easily distracted and get into this self-pity mode. I hate that mode. (my husband hates it even more) LOL

It has been pretty cool because recently when we do something or see a couple with kids we laugh and say "See...if we had kids we couldn't do X" or "Man...look at them, all tied down with their kids." We both know it is a bunch of BS, but it helps us feel better for the moment.

By the way...my birthday bash is going to be a luau, so if you have any fun (inexpensive) ideas...I am open to any suggestions. It isn't going to be a huge bash, just a few close friends and even fewer family LOL I haven't decided yet if we are going to do adults only. I am sure that would probably upset a few of my friends, and then my little sister-in-law wouldn't be there, but to be honest, I really don't want to be around kids in any fashion at all right now. (Of course that could and probably will change)

That is all I have for now.

Hi Mr. RE....remember me?

We had a long nice relaxing weekend. Most of it spent floating in the pool soaking up the rays! I still have not detected ovulation, but am not giving up hope.

I got a call back from our RE this morning. He is very interested in seeing us and offering a second opinion and said that insurance may even cover it because this visit is not "fertility" related. I looked at the preferred providers list for our insurance and sure enough...he was there, so that is even better news.

I have decided to wait and see what the RE says about this "der.moid cyst" We are going to continue trying to get pregnant and if it happens, we will deal with the cyst. I did a lot of research on this cyst over the weekend, and it should not affect our fertility (providing it doesn't get bigger) and can be removed at a later date. The NP I saw on Friday basically made me feel like I had to bring all TTC efforts to a screeching halt and rush into the OR to get it removed. Not so it seems.

My RE is going to call me back this afternoon to schedule something after they call my insurance and verify if there will or won't be coverage. So for now we are staying the course, trying to keep our chins up and waiting for our second opinion. I feel a certain calm and relief knowing that I will be seeing RE again. At least I know we will be with someone that knows what the heck they are doing!

In addition, I am changing GYN's. I have been toying with this for almost a year, and it is time. I know it is frustrating and draining to change Dr.'s especially when your file is as big as mine, but it has to be done. I can't go to that Dr. anymore feeling like a total piece of meat and having to tell them what kind of medical care I need.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers - Misfit - thank you for sharing your der.moid cyst experience as well. I guess they aren't as rare as I thought! Just one more boulder to climb over...need to tighten up my hiking shoes.

If it's not one thing...it's another

Apparently tender ovaries aren't always a good thing. Every time I felt my ovaries getting tender during a Clo.mid cycle, it was always reassuring to me. It meant that they were doing something.

Well...that isn't always the case.

I went to the Dr. on Friday for my Day21 check. The ultrasound showed a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. This isn't the type of cyst that goes away on its own. The kind that requires us to take a month off of fertility treatments...nope. This cyst requires surgery. (Just a warning...don't goo.gle Der.moid cyst - the pictures are disgusting) I keep referring to it as my alien.

I am disappointed beyond belief, however we are getting a second opinion. We have decided to fork out the money to our previous RE and have him do an ultrasound. For one, I think my GYN is a crackpot. Note to self: find a new one. Second of all, I trust my RE and I would like to have an ultrasound done where I can ask questions during the u/s and get some answers! So my RE is supposed to call on Monday to set up an appt.

Also, my GYN said that they did not see any follicles on my u/s. First of all, the u/s tech did an external u/s to begin with. I am not a Dr. but I am pretty sure you have to have an internal u/s to look for follicles don't you? She ended up doing an internal u/s as well because she could not find my left ovary. It was at this time I started to get really excited because I saw on the screen 3 or 4 big black holes on each ovary. However, she didn't measure them. When we were doing artificial insemination and I had follicle checks, that is exactly what they looked like. Big black holes. So here I am thinking that we have a good chance this month. When I saw the NP - she said they really didn't see any follicles. WHAT? How can that be? Again, I am not a Dr., but I am PRETTY sure I know what I saw. So...a second opinion it is. I am not going to sign a consent for another surgery until I have someone who knows what the heck they are doing give me their opinion.

So I am feeling a little defeated, but we are going to continue doing OPK's (haven't ovulated yet) and see what this month will bring. So far 2009 is not turning out much better than 2008.

I was so hopeful

Update and prayer request

Hello all, I need to start out with a prayer request. My nephew's step-brother was accidentally shot and killed this weekend. I don't have a whole lot of details yet, but he was 12 years old and the entire family is in shock right now. I know my nephews are trying to be strong, but this is tearing them a part. Their little brother is no gone. Please pray for them to grieve, and when they are ready find peace and know that their brother is in a much better place now.

As for me - Pace and I went to the beach for Memorial Day. It was a wonderful trip. Just he and I. We didn't visit any friends, we didn't' call anyone, we just went out there and really enjoyed each others company. We had a fantastic time and I came back so relaxed and refreshed. I am still waiting to "o" I go in on Friday for a Prog.esterone check and internal u/s to see what we are working with. Hopefully it is good news!

Please pray for my nephews and their family. My heart is just breaking for them!

Thank you all!

Well Said My Friend!

I read a post this morning that rang SO true to me. I just had to immediately get on and write. If you would like to read the post that inspired this one, please click here. I have had comments (on line and in person) from people that question why we haven't done IVF yet, I mean you have been trying for over 4 years...what are you waiting for?

It seems that some people in the IF community compare notes and try to "one-up" the next IF couple. For example, some people judge the "level of infertility" on what treatments people have gone through. Due to the fact that Pace and I have never done IVF, some people do not consider us as infertile as the couple that has been trying for 2 years and have done 2 IVF's.

Others judge the "level of infertility" on time. We have been trying for 4+ years, so does that make us more infertile than those who have only been trying for 2? NO

Well here is what I have to say to that: Everyone has there own level of infertility pain. It doesn't matter where we are in the journey, we are infertile, no level of treatment or time makes us more or less infertile than the other. There are many people out there who have done IVF that aren't IF. So what does that mean? Why do so many have this sense of being the "top infertile dog?" It really upsets me. I am glad that Pace and I are taking our time and going through each step possible (even though we are taking different steps than many other people would choose) because that is the best route for us. We aren't doing IVF and we have multiple reasons why. This is a personal decision that does not have any bearing on "how" infertile we are.

Still being at the "Clo.mid" level (even after 3 failed IUI's and over 4 years of trying) doesn't make us any less infertile, it doesn't make us any more infertile and it certainly does not mean that we want a baby any less than those going through IVF or other more invasive treatments.

I need a new attitude (as sung by Patti LaBelle)

I'm not really sure where to begin this post. I have been pondering this post for the last week, it has changed directions many times. I decided to hold off on posting because I was under the influence of Clo.mid which is dangerous and frightening. LOL

It was an extremely rough week. No part of my life went untested. I was exhausted, cranky, emotional, frustrated, and overall just felt like crap. I have devoted myself to two more Clo.mid cycles and after that, NEVER again. I can't handle the side effects. I just can't bear it any more. I will HAPPILY go back to injections for a couple of reasons. 1. I had virtually NO side effects 2. It gave Pace something to do in this process (he didn't really LIKE sticking me with needles - but he was really good at it!)

We went to our monthly Res.olve meeting and I was hit in the face with a truth that I was really trying to hide. I need to give myself a break. Not a physical break, we have been on a forced break since December (due to endo and surgery) I need to give myself a mental break. I need to minimize my blogging (don't worry...I am not leaving you) I realized last Wednesday that I check/read/update my blog at least 10 times a day. 10 TIMES!!! That is a bit compulsive and totally obsessive don't you think.

Not only do I have this blog, I have an infertility chat board, I am a part of another infertility chat board on Face.book, I get daily Christian infertility support emails, I am starting an infertility support group at my church, I follow 36 infertility blogs, I attend monthly infertility support group meetings, and I own probably 15 infertility related books. Needless to say...I need to give myself a break. I have been eating, breathing, sleeping infertility for far too long and it has not only taken a toll on me, but also my marriage.

I need a vacation (not necessarily having to leave and go on a trip, I just need a vacation for my brain). So I will be pulling back from blogging a bit (and by pulling back I mean limiting myself to checking my blog roll only 2 times a day) LOL. I just need to refocus. My pity party has lasted long enough - I need a break, my husband needs a break and our marriage needs a break.

I spent about an hour yesterday looking at pictures of the last 7 years Pace and I have been together. I miss those days. There were so many smiles, laughs, goofy moments...I sat back and wondered how long it had been since we shared moments like that. It has been far too long.

The pressure of infertility has weighed on us so heavily I feel like we have kind of lost ourselves. We put on our "happy" faces at work and then we both come home and crumble because we don't have to put on happy faces at home, at home we can be real. Work is our escape, but as soon as we walk into the doors at our house, we are reminded of our infertility, the stress, the loss, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow. We are mourning when we are home. Mourning is ok, it can be healthy, but it can also be a rut that you never get out of. We can still be ourselves, we can still talk about infertility, we can still do all of those things, but we also need to have fun. We need to enjoy our time together, love each other, support each other and be each other's best friends again.

We tried to watch Mar.ley and Me last night. I was warned by my friend Jess about the miscarriage scene, but I didn't realize that the large majority of the movie was about them starting a family, having kid #1, accidentally getting pregnant again, having kid #2 and struggling to manage it all. We stopped the movie. Neither one of us could handle watching any more of it. I am sure it is a wonderful movie, the author of the book is amazing, but neither one of us are in a space to handle it.

So that is where I am. I am done with Clo.mid, waiting to "O" and struggling to find a new outlook on life, marriage, family and infertility.

I just need to vent...

Fair warning: this is probably the Clo.mid speaking, but here goes anyway.

I have been very open about our IF, treatments, miscarriage etc. (Some days I am thankful for that, some days I want to kick myself for that). Today is one of the days I want to kick myself. My co-worker, I will call her"J" came up to me this morning and said "Oh, I talked to my DIL last night, I thought they had decided to give up on the baby thing, but apparently her GYN put her on a high protein diet, lots of vitamins and told her it is only a matter of time, her Dr. said she may even have twins!"

For the record, I don't think her DIL has been trying for very long. They are getting married in the fall, she is 38 he is 41. They each have children from previous marriages.
J goes on to say that they don't have to go to a fertility Dr. because DIL ovulates and SIL "shoots thousands of sperm" All of this is fine and dandy...I am ok with this conversation, it is a little odd to be having this conversation in front of my entire office, but again, I chose to be open about this...so whatever.

Then she said something that makes my blood pressure sky rocket (even when I am not hopped up on Clo.mid) she said "Nichole you are lucky you are so young...you have plenty of time." My response to her was this "Well, I was young over 4 years ago when we first started trying too, but so far my age hasn't done anything for me. Every month that goes on, every year that we are still trying I am getting older and my chances are becoming smaller and smaller. Just because I am younger than your DIL, does not make this journey or conceiving any easier for me." I got up from my desk and went into the bathroom to gather my composure.

I hate it when people say that "Oh, your young yadda yadda yadda" I know that age may be on my side right now, but it seems that is the only thing on my side, which doesn't help.

Please keep your unsolicited assvice to yourself. Especially when I am hopped up on Clo.mid (for the record and J's defense, I haven't told anyone except my cyber friends and one IRL friend that I am on Clo.mid - I am done with being open right now) it can be a very dangerous place.

On a lighter note: My mom sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers yesterday. I should have known that she didn't forget me! I cried, and cried and cried. I love that woman. She has been an amazing support - I only wish she lived closer. I would love to crawl up on her lap and have her rock me in her chair right now! (ok - I realize I am to big for this and would probably crush my mom, but a girl can have dreams)

The Marriage Made in Heaven

I would like to introduce you all to a couple that I have known for a while. Well I have known the two individuals separately, but never knew they were married. Now I know that they are most definitely married and are probably the best couple I have ever met.

First you have Murphy. He is a very sarcastic fellow with a strange sense of humor. He really tends to make people mad and actually he isn't liked by very many people.

Then you have Flo - She is pretty snarky, she makes un-announced appearances in people's lives, she causes pain and suffering. She typically comes around when people don't want her to, occasionally she doesn't come around at all leaving people wondering what they did to upset her. They are both very high maintenance, however they are the best couple I have ever met.

Murphy Law and Aunt Flo - you two are peas in a pod, you work together to tear people apart.

You see, after all of the stress and tears and anger of having to wait another month, take Es.trace and have to wait another month (did I mention we had to wait another month) Aunt Flo made an appearance. Apparently Aunt Flow and Murphy Law got together and decided they need to mess with me. Boy did they. I was so upset, so sad, so angry and then She came. On her own with no warning. She was here.

So that my friends is the greatest couple I have ever known - they are indeed a match made in heaven.

So today is CD3 - time to start Clo.mid - I most definitely will be a monster for the rest of the week and probably a week or two to follow - just so you know! - you have been warned.

My M-Day was actually ok. I was a little upset I didn't get flowers from my mom this year. She sent me flowers last year which meant so much to me, but this year I got nothing. Pace bought me a dozen roses - they were BEAUTIFUL! He also bought me a card and on the front of the envelope he wrote "Mommy To An Angel" I love him - he is AMAZING!

Stuck with a Capital "S"

Short and sweet cause I am tired and upset and thinking this is NOT a great way to start M-Day weekend.

Talked to Dr. Monotone's nurse (she was actually nice), I have a script for Est.race and Pro.vera waiting for me at the front desk. Here's the catch - I have to take the Est.race for 25 days...that means we are being set back yet another f'ing month.

I am really looking forward to sitting by the pool and drinking fruity alcoholic drinks tomorrow!

So much for 2009 being a fantastic year

I hate being stuck. This is now month 4 of being stuck and I am not liking it one bit.

Viva la pool and fruity drinks!

CD Freakin 72

That's right folks - still no AF. I took the dreaded Pro.vera - turned into a total monster, and still haven't seen AF. I know that it can take up to a week, but I am just sick of waiting and all other times I have taken Pro.vera, AF has happily showed up within a day or two. If she doesn't show by this time next week, I am supposed to call my Dr. and then have to go on Est.rogen supplements and then Pro.vera again to try to bring her on. Damn it! Why is this happening?

I should have my baby in my arms right now and should be getting ready to celebrate my first M Day with my beautiful alive baby.

Instead, it is just a VERY painful reminder that my baby isn't here. My baby is somewhere in heaven, but most definitely not here. Not even close to being in my arms. Instead of having a child that can send my mom something on M Day, I am forced to acknowledge that once again, a M Day is coming and going with no living children.

I am so tired of waiting. I was doing ok for a while, I think I had actually convinced myself for a little bit that we should just try living childless for a while. Well Baby Fever is back and has hit me with a vengence. Along with that has come the anger, resentment, sadness, bitterness and despair.

This will by far be the most difficult M Day yet.

Sh.ane Co. - I am appalled

I don't know if any of you have heard the most recent Mo.ther's Day ad from the Sh.ane Co. Every time I hear it, I want to chuck my radio right out the darn door. I am just blown away by the misconceptions, and blatant stereotyping that is in this ad.
If you haven't heard it, the intro goes like this:

"What do your wife and your mother have in common, other than you? ...Children of course."

There are many things that upset me about this ad but the one thing that stands out the most are the words "of course" So this morning after hearing this ad once again on my way to work, I decided to write Mr. Shane an email - here it is:

Mr. Shane - I live in the Phoenix area and am quite familiar with all of the advertising your company does here. I was absolutely appalled when I heard the most recent Mother's Day ad it starts out "What do your wife and mother have in common other than you? Children of course."

Well guess what, there are women out there that are unable to give their husband's children and as if Mother's Day wasn't hard enough for these women, an ad like that just puts fuel on the fire. What about the couples that choose not to have children? Where do they fit into your advertising campaign? Is a wife less important or significant because she is not a mother? Does that make her less of a wife?

I understand that you can not cover all demographics in your advertising; however I think it is extremely brazen for you to assume that being a wife means being a mom. That is often not the case. The words "of course" at the end of the advertising statement make it sound like a no brainer and that obviously if you are a wife, then you are a mom.
Well Tom, for me and millions of other couples in your marketing demographic, that is not true. It is a painful, agonizing struggle to start a family and the stereotypes in your advertising make it that much more difficult.

I am extremely disappointed in this ad and the blatant untruths in it.

Sincerely,
Nichole

It probably won't do any good, it may not even be read, but it made me feel a little better.

I am laying it out there...

First of all, I wanted to update you all and tell you that I had "the" talk about my sister trip with my mom the other night. It was AMAZING and for the first time, I really opened up to her about the emotional side of all of this crap. She was so much more understanding and compassionate than I ever could have asked for. It was such a great conversation and I realized how much I have allowed myself to suffer in silence, when I should have been calling my mom and crying on her shoulder begging for words of encouragement.

Then...I had the first conversation with one of my sisters about the infamous "sister trip" I told her I wouldn't be making it for the sister trip this year. I told her we would be knee deep in fertility treatments and I really needed to focus on that. I also told her that it would be very difficult for me to be around her new baby as well as my other sisters new baby (5 weeks and 10 weeks old respectively). I told her that I was still just too raw. There was a pause on the other end and then she said "I totally understand, I am so sorry, I didn't even think about that."
Enter sigh of relief here
I need to talk to my other two sisters, but for now, I think they won't be bothering me about the sister trip anymore.

There has been something that has been plaguing my mind the last week or two and I am just going to lay it out there and hope that everyone that reads it understands and doesn't take this the wrong way:

Is it just me or are a much higher rate of my fellow infertile bloggers getting pregnant?

It seems like every day there is a new pregnancy announcement on my blog roll which is WONDERFUL! That is absolutely amazing - and Bec - I hope to see yours tomorrow.

I just want a piece of that pie too - whatever all my blogsters are doing out there it seems to be working. Pass some of it over here ok? I'm not sure I can stomach another holiday season without a baby in my belly.

A plan...of sorts

The appointment went as I imagined.

We will call my Gyn...Dr. Monotone, because he has absolutely no bedside manner and well...speaks in monotone. Thankfully I was not forced to sit in the waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women (the last time Dr. Monotone made me sit out there for an hour and a half - TORTURE!) Oh...and the nurses there - I like to call them Ms. Illiterate because apparently they can't read medical charts OR body language. Not just one or two of them...I have not found ONE nurse there I like!

So Ms. illiterate calls me back, does the normal blood pressure stuff (which by the way was 118/80) :-) and then started asking me a series of questions...but not really questions. She didn't ask me "When was the first day of your last period?" She would say "So the first day of your last period was...*akward silence*" I finally realized she was waiting for me to fill in the blanks. I don't like to play fill in the blanks, if you want to know something I want you to ask me. Ask me correctly.

So I grit my teeth, fill in the blanks for her and then she tells me that Dr. Monotone will be in shortly. 35 minutes later (thank goodness I stopped and bought a trashy celebrity magazine on my way so I didn't have to read one of their pg magazines) Dr. Monotone came in. He reviewed my fill in the blank answers and then asked a few of his own. Then he asked me what I wanted to do from here...and I told him.

"I want a prescription for Pro.vera so that I can bring on AF, I want a prescription for 100mg of Clo.mid. I want to come in on/around Day 21 of my cycle so you can check my Progest.erone. If you can confirm that I ovulated and my progest.erone is low like I suspect it will be given recent history, I want to be put on progest.erone supplements. As soon as I get a positive HPT I want to come in the same day for a progest.erone check and a Quantitative BETA. I want to adjust my progest.erone if needed and do a repeat BETA 48 hours later. - repeat as necessary"

"Well," he says, "sounds like you know where you want to go from here."

"Yep." I replied.

I went further and showed him my lab results from my appointment with Dr. Hormone yesterday. and he actually seemed a little peeved (why is it that Dr.'s think that patients should only be seeing one Dr. not multiple? Are they afraid that the other Dr. won't agree with their diagnosis or treatment? Well, that is one of the reasons I work with two Dr.'s. I always have a second opinion at my fingertips)

He asked me "So are you going through these steps with Dr. Hormone or did you want us to monitor you."

I reply. "I wold love to have Dr. Hormone monitor my cycles, however insurance doesn't cover him and their office is far away, so I would like to have you monitor them."

He seemed semi-content with that so he ordered up a pg test (I think that was his way of getting me back for two-timing him with Dr. Hormone.) of course it was negative and Ms. Illiterate made sure to tell me that...quite frankly - apparently that is one thing she can read...pee sticks.

I got my prescriptions and marched out the door feeling proud of myself, I got to my truck, called Pace...and then fell apart. We are right back where we were a year ago. A freaking year ago! I am so damn scared of getting pregnant and miscarrying again - I know that will be my final straw.

So there ya have it - Take 4. Pro.vera, Clo.mid, Progest.erone blah, blah, blah

One down ... One to go

I had my appt. with my hormone dr. today.

Here is the report:
Estrogen: 36
FSH: 6.6
Testosterone: 143
TSH (thyroid): 1.10

So this means that my estrogen totally SUCKS ASS and my testosterone is way too high.

He couldn't really give me an explanation for my missing menses, but he was very kind, compassionate and understanding. I really LOVE this doctor. He was of the opinion that Clo.mid was the best bet for us as a "next step" and also said that I need to make sure the Gyn was monitoring my Progesterone very closely so I don't miscarry again. He said that if my Gyn didn't want to monitor my progesterone, he would do it for me. LOVE HIM!

Next up ... GYN tomorrow. Yeah!

Two Faced

So after my last post I decided that it is due time that I stop being 2 different people. My blogger friends know me. They know the raw, angry, bitter, jealous me. They know my deep hurts, they know my struggles, they know it all. For better or worse - you all know me better than probably anyone in real life.

I decided that it just isn't fair. It isn't fair to my husband, it isn't fair to my IRL friends and it certainly isn't fair to myself. The fact is, I need people IRL to love me, accept me for who I am and support me through my dark moments and through the good ones too. They need to see the paint that infertility has caused, they need to see how this has changed me from the person I once was to the person I am today.

Being 2 different people certainly isn't fair to my IRL friends, it makes it harder for them to know what I need. It makes it harder for them because they don't really know me. They don't know how it makes me cringe when they talk about their pregnant friends, they don't know how much it hurts me to hear how their morning sickness is kicking their ass, they don't know that saying "maybe you should relax, what about donor egg, have you thought about using a surrogate?" absolutely makes me want to wretch - after I punch a wall. They don't know this because I have never told them. I always just stuff my feelings down, smile and nod, put on a good show and wait until later when I am by myself to fall apart. Or I wait till I can get to my computer so I can pour my heart out to you all.

It most definitely isn't fair to Pace. In the beginning, I was very candid about my feelings. He knew that having a baby consumed my thoughts 24/7 - I had no problem telling him that. He knew that all of my Internet time was spent researching and educating myself. I cried to him, I screamed, I punched things and he supported me. Then time marched on.

After my miscarriage last August, Pace saw me at my worst. He saw the raw me, crumpled up, broken, unable to eat, unwilling to get out of bed, angry, pitiful, desolate, cold, lost me. I didn't have the energy to put on a show, I couldn't pretend I was ok for anyone else. I just was.

Since then I have become more censored. After four years of this shit, I know Pace is tired of seeing me cry, he is tired of seeing me hurt, he is tired of the anger, jealousy and fear. I know he loves me dearly and he is just such a wonderful man, but he knows that we need a life outside of IF too. So I try to put on a happy face. He deserves to have the woman he married back. The fun girl, the partier, the spontaneous woman he fell in love with. I just can't be that person right now. Maybe someday, but not right now.

However, in the meantime - he deserves to at least have his wife. I have become so secluded from him, from everyone. It is my defense mechanism, it is my survival technique - it is crap. It is lonely, it is depressing and it is doing absolutely no good.

So I'm going to try my damnedest to just be honest, be true to who I am and be candid. I didn't realize how bad I was until my dear friend pointed out to me today that she wants to be here for me, but I push her away. She doesn't know how to be my friend because I don't allow her (or anyone) to see the real me. How dreadfully unfair.

So first off, I think I am going to talk to my mom and get her advice on the "sister trip" Honestly, it pisses me off that my sisters haven't thought "hmmmmm it might be hard for Nichole to be around us and our newborn babies, especially since if her baby hadn't died, she would have a newborn too - maybe we should leave the kids elsewhere." It really pisses me off that I have to be the one to say "ummmm no thanks." My mom knows all of us so well, I know she knows that I have been hiding, but then again, she knows that is how I usually deal with things. I just need her advice - I hope she understands, I hope the conversation goes well, I am always nervous talking to my mom about this stuff - I never know what her reaction will be.

Whew....that was a long one

INFERTILITY SUCKS!

Shopping...

Before I share my thoughts on shopping, I wanted to update on the Walk of Hope from Sunday. Unfortunately we did not win the IVF. In fact we didn't win anything. I was/am very dissppointed and frustrated. I knew that "free" was the only way we were probably ever going to do IVF, so I really had my hopes up - stupid me!

There were a lot of kids at the Walk. I knew that there would be people there that were "resolved" (they already have their kids) but I really had no idea how many kids would really be there. It was tough and awkward and just plain difficult. I did get some good information on adoption there as well as some "naturopathic" treatments that seem interesting.

Ever since Sunday I have been in a total funk. I know part of it has to do with the fact that I caught a cold, or horrible allergies, or laryngitis, or something like that. But the main part of it is I just feel stuck. I am currently on CD58 - yep you read that right 5.8. I am just so damn frustrated. My cycles were "average" for the last year up until my surgery in January and now they are all screwed up again. I feel like I am right back to square one and I could just f'ing scream! I have 2 dr. appt.s next week so we can try to figure out what is going on, but I am not getting my hopes up for any answers. It seems no one has the answer, no one knows what to do for me, and the treatments that may work...we absolutely can not afford.

I digress...back to the title of my blog. This was a total revelation for me last night.

I was sitting on the couch and Pace was next to me on the laptop doing some online (window shopping) It hit me how different we really are. When I am on the computer, I am shopping the following:
Pregnancy tests
Ovulation tests
Infertility books
Infertility blogs
Infertility chat rooms
Infertility doctors
Accupuncturists
Infertility support groups
Infertility success stories
Miscarriage information
PCOS information
Endometriosis information
Clo.mid research
Adoption agencies
Adoption success stories
and the list goes on and on and on...

However, when Pace shops...he shops
Wheels for the trucks
Qua.ds
Dirt Bikes
Headlights for the trucks
Winches (not of the lady type, but of the pull Jee.ps out of the mud with his Toy.ota type)
House projects
Toy Haul.ers
RV's
Swimming pool accessories
Big Scre.en TV's

Do you see what is happening here? Do you see the difference? I know that MOST husbands shop and dream of this stuff, but sometiems I wish he would just goo.gle Infertility or just do some research on his own. I have felt very distant from him lately and I think most of it is me, my feelings are hurt, my feelings are tired and my feelings are just so sick of feeling.

I started reading a book last night that was written by a fellow blogger and was given to me by makingmemom (THANK YOU - I LOVE IT!) In this book she gives pointers to "friends of infertiles" one of her pieces of advice is to "do research on your friends diagnosis (or lack thereof) educate yourself on their disease so when they need to talk to you, you have a basic understanding of what they are saying." When I first read it, I thought, "wow, I wouldn't expect my friends to educate themselves on infertility, I think that is kind of an arrogant thing to say" however, this morning it struck me. When my friend was diagnosed with a neurological disease the first thing I did was jump on Web.MD and do research to educate myself. When my neice was born with downs syndrome, I did research, when my nephew had knee surgery, I did research, when my friend went in to have the lap band procedure done, I did research. I did the research because I love these people and I want to know what they are going through - why wouldn't I expect people to do the same for me?

Which brings me back to Pace. I know that I have diarrahea of the mouth when it comes to IF, and he knows a lot about it because I talk about it so damn much, but it would absolutely mean the world to me if one day he came home and said "Honey, I was doing some research and found this dr/treatment/prayer/adoption agency that I think we should look into."

Just once... I don't expect him to jump on the IF bandwagon because honestly, I have set up permanent residency and there just isn't room for both of us.

Not only do I want this from my husband, but I want this from my close friends and family as well. I don't want them to be scared to talk to me, to ask me questions, or even offer suggestions (real suggestions not like - have more faith or relax or crap like that) but real suggestions like, hey I came across this Dr.'s information and they specialize in IF - just thought you may be interested or something like that.

I know that right now being my husband and being my friend isn't easy. I am not that pleasant to be around, I am not that affectionate, I am not that happy, I am very sensitive, and overall just kind of a crap person right now, but I know this will pass and I will break through and get back to the happier Nichole. I just need friends and family to hold out until then.

Walk of Hope

By dear blogsters (blog sisters) :-)

Pace and I are walking in the Walk of Hope tomorrow. This is an annual local event that is put on by RE.SOLVE. This will be our first year walking and they have some pretty amazing "door prizes" The main prize - A FREE IVF!

I am really trying not to put too much hope into winning this prize, and there are certainly other women out there that could probably use it better, but it is a little exciting to know that IF we win this prize...we may actually have a shot.

Please be praying for us if you are of the praying type tomorrow - not to win the IVF, but to find peace among fellow infertiles, to be able to use our journey to encourage and strengthen others and to find hope from those who are "resolved."

Tomorrow is going to be an emotional day, but I am so looking forward to it. I am so excited to meet other women in my community that have the same heartache and pain that I do. And honestly...I am REALLY hoping that Pace will meet a really cool guy or two that he would want to hang out with. It would be nice to have more IRL IF friends.

Have a great weekend blogsters...I will update you all either tomorrow or Monday on how the walk went and hopefully with some pics!

Our Easter Sunday

I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for all of your supportive words over the last couple of days - not only regarding the SIL situation, but also for the tough day we were facing. A few of you expressed concern that I would begin censoring myself because of the situation with SIL and I can assure you I will not. What I will do however, is consider my words more carefully and make sure that what I am trying to say is what I am actually writing.

Pace and I went to church Saturday night instead of going on Sunday which was perfect. There were almost NO children there and it was just an amazing service.

Sunday morning we woke up, had breakfast and put on our hiking clothes. We filled up our camel packs, laced up our tennis shoes, threw on some sunscreen and away we went. The mountain we ended up hiking is actually like 15 minutes away from our house and the views were AMAZING! The desert is in bloom right now and I was able to get some amazing pictures while we were out there.

This is the first time Pace and I have been hiking together, so we weren't sure where the trail we were on was going to take us. We knew it would eventually take us to the top, but we had no idea how we would get to the top, or how long it would take...but we followed. Kind of like the trail of infertility we are on - we know that eventually we will be "resolved" however we have no idea how we are going to get resolved or how long it will take, we just have to keep walking.

We received a wonderful gift from Sarah's Laughter a few months ago. It is a butterfly bag for those mourning the loss of a child. Inside this bag there were 3 white balloons and a packet of Forget-Me-Not flower seeds. We divided the seeds up between the three balloons and had them filled with helium before our hike.

Here is Pace and I at the beginning of our hike

The first picture I took while I was on our hike was of this amazing saguaro cactus. These are everywhere in Southern AZ, but this one in particular caught my eye. The view looking up into the clouds was just amazing.

Who would have thought that these prickly buggers could produce such pretty flowers?

This will be our final destination - this was taken right before the hike got kind of steep.

Pace getting ready to release the balloons from the top of our hike.

Floating towards the heavens - I love you Baby Becker - I miss you dearly and wish so badly I could have had you in my arms for Easter. Mommy and Daddy love you so much and will never forget you - you will always be our first love!

The view on the way back down the mountain

Do you know one of my favorite things about this hike. No kids...No pregnant women. I think I have finally found a place where I can go to get away and I mean really get away. I found such peace emotionally, spiritually and physically being out in this beautiful state that I live in enjoying my wonderful husband and everything that my eyes can take in.

Pace and I decided that this would be our Easter tradition...balloons and all. Whether we end up ever having children or not, this will be our day to celebrate our angel baby and no one can take that from us!

Being Convicted

My fellow bloggers, I need to apologize. I need to apologize to not only all of you, but especially my Ex-sister-in-law and myself as well.

My ex-SIL read my previous blog. I had no idea she read my blog in the first place, but that isn't the point. The point is, it was shallow and unfair of me to describe her in the way I did. I hurt her feelings, made her very upset and rightfully so. I love to write, this blog has given me the opportunity to vent my frustrations to people that "get it" and I cherish that. However, I never meant to hurt anyone and I deeply regret not having the ability to write my last post more eloquently.


Yes, this blog is a place for me to vent, but I did not create this blog to hurt others. I should have been more mindful about what I was writing, who was going to read it and how it was going to be interpreted.

I am not perfect. I am having a very rough time just making it by day to day right now, but that gives me no write to judge someone else. Just as my ex-SIL has never and will never walk in my shoes, I have never and will never walk in hers.

I don't think of myself as a judgemental person, I guess we all are to some degree, but typically I really try not to. The whole IF thing has really put a bitterness in my heart that I never experienced before.

I am thankful I wrote the last blog, I am even more thankful that my ex-SIL read it and called me out on it - and man did she call me out. She let me have it, but I upset her and she had every right to be angry. I am thankful for all of this because it convicted me. It showed me a side of me that I didn't really know I had and a side of me that I DEFINITELY need to work on.

imarriedmrewing - thank you for your comment. I appreciate your honesty, your story, your understanding and most of all the truth. I also appreciate the grace with which you wrote. You made it very clear to me where I had gone wrong without being hurtful.

I am a Christian, but I am even more of a sinner. I have a lot of work to do and this experience has definitely brought that to my attention front and center.

Ex-SIL - I am very sorry for hurting you and upsetting you. You were right - you have never done anything to me and I had no right to write what I wrote about you. You have pretty much raised your son alone with no help from anyone and that takes a strength and determination that not everyone has. I do wish you a very healthy pregnancy, I would never wish any pregnant woman harm. Not you or anyone else. Thank you for your honesty last night even though I feel it was a little harsh, but I thank you non-the-less.

I humbly ask for forgiveness from all of you.
Nichole

I DID IT!

**Edited because my previous post was hurtful and frankly pretty jerky - here is what it should have said.

Tuesday afternoon I found out that my ex-SIL is pregnant. I was DEVASTATED! I was angry, sad, bitter and pissed!

I found out she was pregnant via My.space. She had just taken 2 HPT and posted that she was pg w/ #2 with pictures of the HPT's. Although it would have been nice to hear directly from her that she was pregnant before I was blasted with it on My.space, I also understand her excitement. She is very excited about being pregnant and her My.space is covered in stuff baby and pregnancy related. Totally fine for her - very hurtful to me.

Well, last night was our RE.SOLVE support group meeting and I came to the realization that I really need to be more straightforward to my friends and family about my feelings and emotions. The only people that truly know the emotions of my infertility battle are all of you, one of my co-workers and my husband. After 4 years, I think it is time to break the silence and put my feelings first for once.

So I deleted her. It was my first step in saying "I COME FIRST" from now on. I will no longer put my feelings on the backboard and be a doormat. I will not listen to my pregnant friend CONSTANTLY talk about how sick she feels and how she had no idea how they are going to afford to have this baby. I will be supportive, but she needs to be sensitive to the fact that I would give ANYTHING to feel that crappy.

I sent my SIL a message explaining that I am happy for her and wish her nothing but a wonderful, healthy 9 month pregnancy, but that I had to delete her because it was too hard for me to constantly see pg pictures, posts etc. I am not sure she will understand, she probably won't, but that is ok. I COME FIRST.

Now if I can just figure out how to tell my three sisters that I will not be making it to the sister's trip in June. That is going to be a tough one. (Just so you know, it is not just a trip for the sisters, it is a trip with sister 1, her teenage daughter, sister 2, her 7 year old, 5 year old and 2 month old, sister 3, her 6 year old, her 4 year old, and her one month old...see WHY I can't make the trip now...sigh)

**update: I just got a text back from my ex-SIL It said "I'm sorry nichole:( and I do totally understand. I feel really bad"
Looks like honesty really is the best policy in this case. Thank you God!

Easter Sunday

I grew up in a large Cath.olic family. Ea.ster was always a BIG deal! New dresses, freshly curled hair, new shoes, colored eggs, new little baskets, chocolate coming out of our ears, 4 days straight of church it was a BIG deal!


Ea.ster is still a big deal to me, but for much different reasons. The story of Ea.ster is amazing, I love the story. It is a story of new hope, new life and eternal salvation. It is a refreshing story and a great reminder of what our Lord did for us. This year however, is a little different for me.


Ea.ster's in the past have been filled with egg coloring, big elaborate meals, family and friends and of course children (obviously not my own). As a little girl I used to take my basket full of colored eggs to church with me and in the middle of the service, the priest would have all of us youngsters come to the front of the church to have our eggs blessed. It was the adults favorite part of the mass because they could "ooh" and "aaah" over the cute little boys all dressed up in their little ties and slacks and the little girls in their ruffles and lace.


A couple of years ago Pace and I hosted an Ea.ster egg hunt and dinner at our house for our friends and family. It was really a lot of fun. It was so cute to see the kids look for the eggs and then we had a contest to see who could roll down the hill in the park the fastest. This year however, is a little different for me.


Pace and I have received many invitations for Ea.ster this year. We were invited to spend it with our friends and their family. We love them and their family! We are part of the family, we always feel so welcome and just love love love them!


I am sure my MIL expects us to do something for them for Ea.ster. All of our previous Ea.ster's have included Pace's little sister, so why should this year be any different? Of course if we planned something, my MIL would find something to be mad at us for and then not show up, or show up 2 hours late. I swear she does that just to pi$$ me off!


We always have an open invitation to go to my sister's house. This is guaranteed to be a good time, my nieces and nephews are in High School now so they are "cool" to hang out with (if you can put up with their teenager attitudes long enough) and my BIL is a lot of fun. The food is always amazing at their house and again, we feel so welcome there. No doubt we would enjoy ourselves there every year. This year however, is a little different for me.


You see, my due date was April 12th, 2009. Ea.ster Sunday of all days of the year was my due date. The date that I should be bringing our beautiful little miracle into the world. So this year I don't think I want to be around anyone on Ea.ster Sunday. My friends and family will have to understand that for once, Pace and I are going to be selfish. We are going to do what WE want to do that day and that will not include any friends or any family. Pace and I talked about it the other night and decided that we were going to do the following on Easter Sunday:


1. Sleep in


2. Talk the dogs for a morning walk


3. Make a nice big breakfast


4. Relax


5. Fill our balloons with the "forget-me-not" flower seeds we got from Sarah's Laughter (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) and have them filled with helium


6. Pack a picnic lunch


7. Go to a nice park or hiking spot somewhere (there are many to choose from)


8. Have our picnic


9. Say a prayer for our angel baby and release our balloons with the seeds in them


10. Dream of where all of the flower seeds are being spread, just like the love we have for our baby, being spread all over the state!


11. Return home and do whatever we want for the remainder of the day.


I am not sure how our friends and family are going to react to this act of self-preservation and frankly they are just going to have to deal with it. This is going to be one of the hardest days of 2009 for me yet and I am not going to push my feelings aside, stuff them down and pretend that everything is ok for the sake of others. Nope - not this year. This year is different for me.

Back with a plan

Well friends, I am back. I am still a little uncertain of our future, but I am back. Pace and I had a nice long talk over the weekend about where we are and where we will go from here. I have really been thinking about just quiting it all to be honest with you. I am tired of the Dr. appointments, I am tired of peeing on things, I am tired of getting crushed every month, I am tired of feeling depressed and most of all I am tired of missing out on life.

Our talk was so amazing. He is really starting to "get it". We are on the same page, which is WONDERFUL! I just can't believe how much closer we are to each other now than we were even a year ago. I think our angel baby has a lot to do with that!

So Pace and I both shared our current feelings and thoughts on our infertility path, and we came to an agreement. So now we have a plan. A plan that is always subject to change of course, but a plan non-the-less. I have a Dr. appt. this month (although Dr. P pretty much told me that I would be pg, so I wouldn't need the appt. HA!). At this appt. I am going to tell the Dr. which route we are going to take. I am currently waiting on AF to show her ugly face, and as soon as she does, I am starting Clo.mid. If AF shows before my Dr. appt, I will tell my Dr. at that time that I am on Clo.mid and he can like it or lump it.

We will do 3 months of Clo.mid if my mental stability can take it. After that, we are going to be done for a while. I will take a leave of absence and try to save money for IUI's again. I don't know how long my leave will be, but we will just take as long as we need to I guess.

Ever since our first RE.SO.LVE meeting last month, I have really been thinking about our options. I have really been considering just living childless. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me too, but I am just done with all the heartache. I don't think I could be childless forever, but maybe 5 or 10 years, and then we could adopt. In the meantime we could save up money for adoption, and spend a lot of money on ourselves. Let's face it, infertility and children are expensive! Maybe I will just supplement my grief of not having a child into some major retail therapy - that would be my way of "sticking it to the man" LOL

So here i sit on CD37 waiting for AF to start so I can move forward and get the show on the road!